"Guinea Pigs," Scenes 7 through 11

Then we get a bunch of scenes that were nearly all replaced by the time of filming,  They go back and forth between the sleep lab and the nutrition lab.  Here's Scene 7:

AFTER NINE HOURS OF NO SLEEP THEY LOOK A LITTLE HAGGARD.  GUY ONE HAS A CAN OF FILM IN HIS HAND.

GUY ONE

How about 'Psycho'?

LAVERNE

Not again.  Seeing Janet Leigh stabbed three times is enough.

GUY ONE

What else is there?

LAVERNE

We can play 'Power'.

GUY ONE

What's that?

LAVERNE

(READING; SHOWING THEM GAME) The game of international diplomacy.  Each one of us gets a country and you try to destroy everybody else.

GUY ONE

Can you be any country?

LAVERNE

Yeah.  Except Switzerland.

GUY ONE

(SITS ON FLOOR WITH LAVERNE)  Okay, I'll be Italy.  (HE TAKES A MONOPOLY TYPE PIECE SHAPED LIKE A COUNTRY).

LAVERNE

Who wants to be Poland?

ANOTHER GUY RAISES HIS HAND.  HE REACHES OVER TO GET IT FROM LAVERNE AND ACCIDENTALLY TOUCHES HER WITH HIS WIRE.

LAVERNE (CONT'D)

Watch your wire.  Watch your wire.  Andorra.

ANOTHER GUY RAISES HIS HAND.

LAVERNE (CONT'D)

And I'll be Russia.  Here are your armies  (GIVES PIECES) and your navies.  No navy for you, Andorra.

GUY ONE

It looks awfully complicated.

LAVERNE

Nah, it's easy.  Here are the rules.  (TAKES OUT A PIECE OF PAPER).  I'll read 'em through once and then we'll play.  (SHE UNFOLDS THE RULES, WHICH NOW STRETCH OUT ABOUT TWO FEET)  "The object of the game is to attain the complete military enslavement of Western Europe.  Each player..."

Scene 8 is shorter:

SEVERAL HOURS HAVE PASSED AND PEOPLE ARE GETTING IRRITABLE.  THE BUM IS ASLEEP ON THE COUCH.

HAROLD

(SEEING BUM) Look at this guy, would you?  Contemptible.  (HE HOLDS UP A PIECE OF BARK).  He needs this bark more than I do.

HAROLD BEGINS CHEWING BARK LOUDLY.

SHIRLEY

Harold.  You're beginning to get on my nerves.

HE CONTINUES EATING BARK.  A VOICE OF DR. HORTON COMES LOUDLY OVER THE INTERCOM.

DR. HORTON (OVER LOUD SPEAKER)

Hello, participants.  This is Dr. Horton.  Your first formal meal is about to be served.  Eat slowly, chew thoroughly.  We're watching you.  Bon Appetite [sic].

Scene 9 continues Scene 7, after presumably a short time skip:

LAVERNE

(STILL READING) "... but if a winter port is under combined attack by naval and military forces, the player must either surrender his army  (SHE STARTS TO NOD OFF.  THE WIRE SHOCKS HER) to the (LOUD) attacker or move two of his other armies to a neutral city designated by the other players.

SANDOR ENTERS

DR. SANDOR

How are you coming.

THEY ADLIB  'NOT BAD', 'OKAY', ETC.

Sandor offering them the "packet of sleep" made it in, through him wanting to check their pulses.  But in the script, "orderlies wheel in four beds," while the cots are already onstage.

Scene 10 is somewhat intact.  Onscreen, Shirley is not "staring at her plate of dirt balls untouched," and the "bum" (I guess the guy in the hat) is sleeping in a chair instead of a couch.  Also, Shirley doesn't "lunge for" Harold and exclaim, "Shut up you little seed freak," but is much more polite, although still irritated.

Scene 11 is another very short one:

IT IS VERY EARLY MORNING AND THESE GUYS ARE THE WALKING DEAD.  ON THE WALL IS A DART BOARD.  THREE ARE THROWING DARTS, TOTALLY OFF TARGET.  LAVERNE IS WALKING AROUND TRYING TO KEEP AWAKE.

GUY

What time is it?

LAVERNE

(LIFTING HER WATCH HAND WITH HER OTHER HAND) Five o'clock.

GUY

Only two hours left.  Let's play ping-pong for a while.

LAVERNE

Sure.

GUY

You serve.

SHE SERVES THE BALL.  IT GOES ABOUT TWO INCHES.

All that stuff you probably remember onscreen, from the guy wanting to make out with Laverne to Shirley rhyming "good" and "food," came in a later version of the script.

Thoughts:

• Psycho came out in 1960, and yet somehow the lab already has a copy.
• "Power" seems like a more insane version of "Risk."
• Who the heck is Dr. Horton?
• Shirley's annoyance with Harold is definitely a bigger thing in the script than onscreen, but then he is more annoying in the script.  (It would've been fun to see Shearer and Williams play this, but oh well.)
• I never found this episode as hilarious as many (including Cindy Williams herself) do, but I will admit that the onscreen lab scenes are better than this version for the most part.