"Moving In" script, Scene D

And now we go to David's apartment, still at night:

THE APARTMENT IS A LARGE STUDIO WITH A LIVING ROOM IN ONE AREA AND A KITCHEN IN ANOTHER.  THERE IS A WELL-FURNISHED FISH TANK CONTAINING TWO FISH ON THE DRESSER NEAR THE BED.  A GLASS LID COVERS MOST OF THE TANK.  THERE ARE ALSO A LOT OF ATHLETIC TROPHIES AROUND.  A DOOR LEADS TO THE BATHROOM.  DAVID AND LAVERNE ENTER.  LAVERNE SEEMS NERVOUS AND THE SITUATION IS SOMEWHAT AWKWARD.  THE FLOOR OF THE APARTMENT IS PARTIALLY CARPETED, THE REST OF THE FLOOR IS TILED, COLD TILE, AT THAT.

For the aired episode, they added David saying, "OK, Sweetheart, this is it.  This is home."

After Laverne says that everyone has their little quirks, she continued, "Mine is hair on the toothbrush."  What's odd is there was an added line in Scene B about hair on a toothbrush, so I wonder if this line was filmed and then dropped.  

On the episode, there's a quick insert of Shirley and Frank watching the seven o'clock news and then we return to Scene D.  Here's what the script has instead of that time-skip:

LAVERNE HEADS FOR A CLOSET.  DAVID OPENS THE CLOSET.  IT'S TOTALLY FULL.  BOTH STARE.

DAVID

Not a lot of closet space.  But I'll fix that.

DAVID TAKES SOME CLOTHES OFF A NAIL ON THE CLOSET DOOR AND SQUEEZES THEM ONTO A CLOSET SHELF.

DAVID (CONT'D)

You can have this nail.

LAVERNE

That'll be perfect.  Really it's quite a nail.  A big nail.

DAVID

I have a bunch more in my tool box.  If I can find my tool box.

LAVERNE

Maybe if this works out, I'll get a hook.

DAVID EXITS INTO THE BATHROOM.  LAVERNE SCOUTS AROUND FOR SPACE, AND WALKS OVER TO THE FISH TANK.

LAVERNE (CONT'D)

(TAPPING ON TANK) Hi, fishies.  Hi, Moby, hi, Dick.  Aw, you guys aren't getting any fresh air.

LAVERNE MOVES THE COVER ON THE FISH TANK.

LAVERNE (CONT'D)

I don't know why he puts this stupid cover on here anyway.

ONE OF THE FISH JUMP [sic] OUT ONTO THE FLOOR

LAVERNE (CONT'D)

Oh, that's why.  Cause you stupid fish like to jump out of the tank.

LAVERNE PUTS THE COVER BACK ON THE TANK, THEN GETS ON HER HANDS AND KNEES AND FRANTICALLY LOOKS FOR THE FISH.

LAVERNE (CONT'D)

(WHISTLES) Here boy, here fishey...

SHE CONTINUES TO CRAWL AROUND.

LAVERNE (CONT'D)

Moby's getting scared.

SHE FINALLY SPOTS THE FISH FLOPPING ON THE RUG.  SHE GRABS HIM.

LAVERNE (CONT'D)

Oops, you got a little piece of fuzz on you.  (SHE REMOVES FUZZ)  Good as new.

SHE PUTS THE FISH BACK IN THE TANK.  LAVERNE PICKS UP THE SWEATERS AND CROSSES IN TO THE KITCHEN.  LAVERNE BEGINS NEATLY PUTTING HER CLOTHES IN THE OVEN AS DAVID ENTERS FROM THE BATHROOM.

DAVID

I can't find my tool box.  But I found a couple of coffee cans.

LAVERNE

That's okay.  I can put my socks in them.

DAVID

Look, you seem a bit nervous.

Then he suggests she get used to the surroundings.

David lightly kissing her, and the two of them saying "I love you" a few times were added, but mostly the last page is the same in both versions.  Laverne was supposed to play an unspecified song badly and then do a duet on "If I Had a Hammer" with David, rather than going solo on "Hammer" and then the two of them playing "classical guitar" in bad Spanish.

Some thoughts:

• The fish tank and the sports trophies are there, but Laverne does not interact with the fish in the aired episode.  It would've been a chance for slapstick, but I'm not sure if the shift in tone would've worked.  In the script, it seems like she's familiar with the fish, not just knowing their names (another hint, as with the Great Expectations papers David has to grade, that he's an English teacher), but also being aware that he leaves the cover on their tank, although not why.  And she apparently can tell "Moby" from "Dick."
• "Cold tile at that," and we would see David discouraging her from walking on his white carpet.  These are not welcoming furnishings.
• Also, David wanted Laverne to move in, and yet he's made no serious accommodation for her wardrobe.  She's reduced to putting her clothes in the oven!  (I hope she's going to mention it before dinner.)
• I could see David's tool box being in the bathroom if he was fixing the sink or something, but coffee cans?
• I have to say it, David is more of a jerk in the script than on the episode, at least so far.  I wonder if the more affectionate David is due to the casting of Paul Sand, who did after all play Penny's brother-in-law on Friends and Lovers about seven years earlier.

"Moving In" script, Scene C

So, remember how Laverne didn't want to move in with David at night?  Well, Scene C is set the next night.  Maybe she felt less rushed since she had all day to pack.

David not telling his mom was in the script, although him having a roommate named Fred was added.  In the aired episode, Shirley simply asks Laverne to keep in touch, but she Feenily went on about it at greater length in the script, with "I'll miss you, Laverne.  It's like a part of my life is walking out the door.  I remember the good times, the bad, the joy, the heartbreak. I hope we keep in touch."

Frank was supposed to be angry when he comes in, but he looks pretty calm.  Here's what was left out when Frank asks where Laverne is:

SHIRLEY

Laverne?  Laverne who?

FRANK

DeFazio.  About this tall, light brown hair, wears an 'L' on her clothes, lived with you for the last ten years.

We lost the last bit of the scene.

SHIRLEY

Mr. DeFazio, you don't want to wait.

FRANK

Sure I do.  Look how well I'm doing it.

SHIRLEY TURNS TO SEE FRANK IS STILL THERE.  SHE GRABS BOO BOO KITTY.  THEY BOTH WAIT.

These are fairly minor changes, although again we see that the girls would've had to have adjusted to living without each other.  It's interesting that Frank describes his daughter as having light brown hair, because Penny Marshall's hair color seems to fall in that zone between blonde, brown, and red.  And note that Shirley turns to BBK for comfort.

"Moving In" script, Scene B

The scene that actually opens the filmed episode is set in the girls' bedroom.  The first page or so made it in, although it could be argued that Shirley is not "sleeping fitfully."

When Shirley assumes it'll be a nude wedding, she was supposed to say, "Laverne, I know this is California, but...," rather than more characteristically worry about the photo album.  And then when Laverne quotes David about the "piece of paper," this was omitted:

SHIRLEY

Oh, really, he says that?  Oh well, then why don't you just go blow your nose on your birth certificate.

LAVERNE

I can't.  It'll smear the date.  That's important.  Look, maybe someday we will be married, but David thinks it's better to live together first.

SHIRLEY

David, David, David.  (LAVERNE SPITS)

Note, there's no particular reason for her to spit in this version of the script, although she does brush her teeth on the episode.  The girls' "cow" conversation went on for a bit longer in the script:

LAVERNE

...And who are you calling a cow?

SHIRLEY

It's a metaphor.

LAVERNE

It's a big, fat dumb animal.

Shirley actually gives in a lot faster in the script than the aired episode about lying to Laverne's father.

The last page of the scene was left out:

LAVERNE

(SAD; SENTIMENTAL) It feels kinda weird.  You're the only roommate I've ever had.

SHIRLEY

I won't have anyone to buy Scooter Pies for.  To fight for bathroom time.

LAVERNE

And I won't have a roommate I can borrow a dress from.  (BEAT) At least, I hope not.  Naaaa.

SHIRLEY RUNS OUT OF THE BEDROOM TO GET LAVERNE'S PORTRAIT FROM THE LIVING ROOM.

SHIRLEY

(HANDS LAVERNE PICTURE) I want you to have this, Laverne...as sort of a going away gift.

LAVERNE

Oh, no, Shirl, I can't keep that.

SHIRLEY

Of course you can.  You can hang it in your apartment.

LAVERNE

I think I'd rather shoot it.

ON SHIRLEY'S REACTION, WE: 

DISSOLVE TO [Scene C]:

I feel like, while the aired scene is perfectly fine, we lost both funny and sentimental moments between the girls here, with an emphasis on their bond just as Laverne is moving in with MacGuffin, I mean David.  Also, I may be reading into this, but it seems like in both versions, more so visually onscreen, Shirley seems a little hostile to David, for whatever reason.  And, although it would've been hard to work out the timing, there's something about Shirley running in with the painting she did of Laverne that tickles me.

"Moving In" script, Scene A

This is the shooting script, from November 2, 1981, and yet the first scene is completely absent from the version that aired.

We begin at the girls' apartment, at night.

DAVID AND LAVERNE ENTER KISSING.

DAVID

What's the matter?

LAVERNE

I can't get it out.

DAVID

Don't force it.  Jiggle it.

LAVERNE

I'm jiggling it.

DAVID

Is it out?

LAVERNE

Yeah, it's out.  I gotta get this lock fixed.

DAVID

(PULLING LAVERNE OVER TO THE SOFA) Well?  What do you think?

LAVERNE

I think I'm crazy about you.

DAVID

Laverne, I mean what we've been talking about in the car.

LAVERNE

You think we should, huh?

DAVID

Yes, I definitely think we should.  How about right now?

LAVERNE

Nah.  It's too late.  I'd be rushed.

DAVID

How about bright and early in the morning?

LAVERNE

No, not in the morning.  I'm no good in the morning.

DAVID

The afternoon?

LAVERNE

I'm better.  You're sure this is right?

DAVID

(HUGS HER) How does this feel?

LAVERNE

Right.

DAVID

And it'll feel better tomorrow.

DAVID EXITS.

LAVERNE

I'm so nervous.

LAVERNE RUNS UPSTAIRS.

Thought experiment: Pretend you don't know what this episode is about.  Imagine seeing this scene as described.  We don't know the name of this guy, although he does address Laverne by name.  He appears to be her latest boyfriend, whom she's crazy about.  But what do you think they were talking about in the car?

1. Some sport or other hobby that this man is into but that Laverne is nervous about?  It would have to be something that could be done at all hours and that she wouldn't want to rush.
2. An exciting investment opportunity?  OK, unlikely that they could do it at night, especially before the Internet.
3. Sex or some sexual practice?  Well, this is an ABC sitcom of the early '80s, so we're certainly supposed to let that thought cross our minds.  If so, Laverne has done it before, since she knows she's no good in the morning, but she hasn't yet done it with this man, which is why she's nervous.
4. An invitation to live with her boyfriend?  Nah, why would he want to have her move at night?

I'm amused that Laverne still has trouble with her key getting stuck in the door, even after leaving Milwaukee.  But talk about innuendo!

"Teenage Lust" script, Scene H

The tag has the same setting, but the next morning.  In the script, the box of their childhood items was going to the garbage rather than Goodwill.  And Laverne wanted to save her catcher's mitt, which is not as funny as the football helmet in the aired version.  Laverne's closing remark that Shirley is so strange for talking to Boo Boo Kitty was added.

I would say the most significant change from the entire script to filming is that Laverne bonds more with Lyle in the former, which is odd considering they liked the character enough to have him back later.

"Teenage Lust" script, Scene E

We return to the girls' apartment, later that night.  The Lyle & Laverne part is pretty faithful to the script.  As for Mike & Shirley, we lost his observation that "It must be nice living so close to a gas station."  On the other hand, Lyle's lampshading line that Tracy is a lot like Laverne was added for the filmed version.  And that's about it for changes in the penultimate scene.

"Teenage Lust" script, Scene D

Scene D finds us in "a strange kind of ballroom-type area," later that night.  If I recall correctly, the exterior used was also London's LA house.  As for the interior....

THIS IS YOUR BASIC FRATERNITY PARTY WITH MUSIC, DANCING, DRINKING LOUD CONVERSTAIONS [sic] ABOUT DESCARTES, ETC.  

Descartes, sure.  Interestingly, Shirley's line about "the large and lovely home" and Mike's mother was given to Laverne, although it sounds more like a Shirley line, and Shirley got Laverne's line about being surprised that they've been taken to a fraternity party.

We lost this exchange:

SHIRLEY

(TO BOYS) We love fraternity parties.  Remember the last one we went to?  When was that?

LAVERNE

(SOTTO) 1958

SHIRLEY

February.

Now I want that flashback episode.

This was omitted after Kathy (played by Kathy Marshall) assumes Shirley is Mike's mother, and Shirley wants to leave.

LAVERNE

Don't take it so personal.  According to Ripley's you can be a mother at eight.

SHIRLEY

So what, Jo-Jo, the dog-faced boy, barks in seven languages.

LAVERNE

How does he bark in French?  (SHE BARKS IN FRENCH)

Laverne was supposed to respond to the propeller on Lyle's beanie with "Nice touch.  Let me blow that for you."  She was also supposed to say of him "shouting right next to her ear" in his role as announcer of arrivals, "That was wonderful.  Now people in Glendale know who just came in."

Shirley's compliment on the "two rather hippieish-looking girls" (played by Wendy and Judy Hallin), "My what large eyes you girls have?", is an example, as with the cocaine mirror in "I Do, I Do," of a drug joke actually being added to the script.

Then a page and a half was left out:

MIKE

Maybe you'll come back for homecoming.

SHIRLEY

Yes, I'd love to go home.  I mean go back.  I mean, I feel like home... here... back.

SUDDENLY A VERY LOUD VOICE REVERBERATES THROUGHOUT THE HALL.

GOODRICH

Turtle.

EVERYONE IN THE ROOM FALLS TO THE FLOOR AND ROLLS ONTO THEIR BACKS, TWITCHING SPASMODICALLY.  LAVERNE AND SHIRLEY ARE THE ONLY ONES LEFT STANDING.  LAVERNE STEPS OVER PEOPLE TO GET TO SHIRLEY.  CONFUSED, THEY LOOK AT EACH OTHER.

SHIRLEY

(STEPPING OVER PEOPLE) Excuse me, excuse me, excuse me...

LAVERNE

Notice anything unusal [sic]?

SHIRLEY

Make believe you don't see anything.

LAVERNE

I feel a big headache coming on.

SHIRLEY

Me too.  But let me have one dance with Mike.

THE TURTLE ENDS AND MIKE GETS UP.  THEY ALL START CROSSING BACK TOWARD LYLE.

MIKE

That was a turtle.  It's my favorite group dance.

LAVERNE

And it gets the floor clean.

LAVERNE RETURNS TO LYLE.  MUSIC BEGINS.

SHIRLEY

May I have this turtle?  Standing up, I mean.

SHIRLEY AND MIKE MOVE ONTO THE DANCE FLOOR.

ANGLE ON:

LAVERNE AND LYLE AS A FRATERNITY BROTHER ENTERS.  LYLE ANNOUNCES HIM.

LYLE

Recording secretary... Brian Hallenback...

BRIAN ENTERS WITH A HOT LOOKING GIRL.

LAVERNE

(ANNOUNCING TOO) And a real hot one!  (TO BRIAN) Way to go, Brian!  (TO LYLE) Tuck in your shirt, Lyle.

This was left out of the dance montage:

SHIRLEY

(SOTTO) Laverne, there's still ten more brothers.  I need a breather.

LAVERNE

Alligator!

EVERYONE BUT THE GIRLS DROP TO THE FLOOR AND WIGGLE FRANTICALLY.

SHIRLEY

Brilliant.

LAVERNE

I was gonna yell 'ostrich' but I didn't want Lyle to hurt himself.

SHIRLEY

I gotta sit down and rest.  I'm too tired to leave now.

THE ALLIGATOR ENDS AND EVERYONE GETS UP.

Tracy's conversation with Laverne went here in the script, but I think it does work better to move it, intact, to before the girls dance with all the frat brothers.

The last page or so, after Tracy exits, was omitted:

SHIRLEY WALKS OVER TO LAVERNE.

SHIRLEY

What did that girl want?

LAVERNE

Lyle.

SHIRLEY

Lyle?  Well, beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

LAVERNE

And there is a lot of Lyle to behold.  But he's an okay kid.

SHIRLEY

Yeah.  The evening didn't turn out to be so bad.

LAVERNE

We fit in better than we thought.

LYLE

(SHOUTS) Wolf!

THE GIRLS LOOK AT EACH OTHER.  SHIRLEY SMILES, LAVERNE SHRUGS AND THEY BOTH DROP TO THE FLOOR WHERE THEY WIGGLE AROUND AND ACT LIKE WOLVES.  THE ENTIRE ROOM STOPS AND LOOKS AT THEM.

PENNY LEE

What are you girls doing?

LAVERNE

He said 'wolf.'

PENNY LEE

Yeah.  Barry Wolfe just came in to the room.

LAVERNE

Yeah, we knew that.

SHIRLEY

Can't Barry take a joke?

THEY GET UP VERY EMBARRASSED.

Some notable things:

1. I wish we could've heard Penny Marshall bark in French.
2. Laverne interacts with Lyle a lot more in the script than onscreen.
3. Shirley's discomfort with Mike and the party is emphasized more in the script.
4. I'm not surprised the "eight-year-old mother" line didn't make it past the censor.
5. The dance where the frat boys fall to the floor and act like particular animals is whimsical, like the "newt" dance that Gussie Fink-Nottle's friends improvise on the '90s Jeeves and Wooster.
6. I'm glad that the girls reflecting on the evening was left out of this scene, since it feels premature and redundant.

"Teenage Lust" script, Scene C

We head downstairs to the girls' living room, in the evening.  This Shirley line was skipped, as she's setting out magazines on the coffee table, "No National Geographic... they're too young."  (A reference to how, before the advent of mainstream pornography, NatGeog was many American boys' first exposure to female nudity.)

After Lyle hugs Rhonda, thinking she's Laverne, and the stage direction says that "he's died and gone to Heaven," we lost Mike's line, "It's love at first sight, Laverne," and Lyle's question, "When can we pick out drapes?"

Mike's line, "Let go, Lyle, or I'll have to get the harpoon," was wisely dropped.  Instead of him joking they can't spell because they're freshmen, he was originally given the line, "Mississippi.  Capital M-I-S-S-I-S-S-I-P-P-I.  Mississippi."

Lyle was supposed to also ask Laverne, "When can we pick out drapes?"  Then there was this:

SHIRLEY

Laverne, this is Lyle.

LYLE

But you can call me Stallion.

LAVERNE

Lyle is fine.  (THROWS SHIRLEY A LOOK)

SHIRLEY

Oh, we're very, very late.  Let's make the scene.

MIKE

Let's make the what?

SHIRLEY

Magazine.  Let's buy a magazine.  Let's buy a magazine on the way to wherever we're going.

The rest is intact.  This scene closes out Act One and sets things up for the second half.  I have to say that I think all of these omissions were for the best, with the possible exception of the "drapes."

"Teenage Lust" script, Scene B

It is now night in the [girls'] apartment bedroom.  Laverne strumming her guitar was added.  Shirley was supposed to enter carrying a mixing bowl.  Here's what got left out after Laverne tells Mike that Shirley is still in the bathtub.

SHIRLEY

That little tyke is persistent.  I'll give him that.

LAVERNE

Shirl, you ought to talk to him.  I've told him you were in the bathtub four times.  He's gonna think you're a clam.

SHIRLEY SITS DOWN AND HANDS THE BOWL TO LAVERNE.

LAVERNE

(MAKES A FACE) Euchh.  What's this?

SHIRLEY

It's a new skin cream formula.  I read about it in the Farmer's Almanac.  They say it does wonders for crows feet.

LAVERNE

No respectful crow would put his feet in this.  Trying to look younger for Mike, huh?

SHIRLEY

No, I'm not going to see him again so put Mike out of your mind.

LAVERNE

Go out with him, you said he was a young Warren Beatty.  Besides, if you don't have a good time he'll probably have to go home early.

SHIRLEY

I can't waste time dating some kid.  I need to settle down.  I need someone who can treat me like a woman.

LAVERNE

What's he gonna treat you like?  An end table?

WE HEAR THE PHONE RING.

SHIRLEY

Tell him I drowned.

LAVERNE

Shirl, what's the big deal?  It's just a date.  He doesn't want to marry you.

SHIRLEY

He's a kid.  Your father's got ketchup older than him.

LAVERNE

He's a strange man.

LAVERNE ANSWERS PHONE.

LAVERNE (CONT'D)

She says she's still in the tub.

SHIRLEY [sic] HANGS UP.

The next three pages made it in with some minor rephrasing, but we lost Laverne's closing line, after hearing the nickname of Mike's friend, "the Stallion": "Let me try some of this stuff [presumably the skin cream].  Ride 'em cowboy."

There is a slightly kinky Western theme going on with some of this script's omissions, as with the rope in Scene A.  As for the rest of this scene, I wish more had been kept.  It's interesting to get the girls' different takes on dating younger men, and Laverne in particular has some funny lines.  Note that at the time this episode was set, Warren Beatty was 29 (a year older than Shirley is supposed to be ) and had not yet become a superstar with Bonnie and Clyde.

"Teenage Lust" script, Scene A

On October 19, 1981, the shooting script for "Teenage Lust" (sometimes known as "Young at Heart") was completed.  This would air as the fourth episode of Season Seven.  At this point, all the Marshall relatives had been cast.  However, the sets listed are Cowboy Bill's, Girls' Bedroom, and Girls' Living Room, with no mention of the frat house.

We begin at Cowboy Bill's, during the day.  In the script, Mike was supposed to tow Shirley in by a rope, although they're skating in both versions.  We lost Shirley singing, "a la Rawhide," the lyrics, "Head 'em up.  Move 'em in, roll 'em..."

This was omitted after Frank asks what Mike will have:

MIKE

I'd like to run into a girl like Shirley every day for the rest of my life... although it might be a bit painful.

SHIRLEY

Isn't he sweet?

MIKE

(LOOKING ADORINGLY AT SHIRLEY) Me?  Look at those eyes.  Look at that nose.  Look at that smile.

On the aired episode, the admiration of facial features is more mutual.

After Mike says he'll be twenty in July, Shirley was supposed to say, "You're nineteen now.  I thought you said you graduated from college."  And then he'd reply, "I said I go to college."

And when he exited, he was supposed to tell "the crowd," "Cute girl, great skater, can't stop."

Here's what was omitted after Shirley reacts to Frank having twenty-year-old ketchup:

FRANK

I got chicken older than that.

FRANK EXITS.  A YOUNG BOY WALKS UP TO SHIRLEY.

SCOTT

Hey, babe, you alone?

SHIRLEY

Yeah, and I'm staying that way.

SCOTT

(DISGUSTED) Dames.

Yes, we could've seen Garry Marshall's twelve-year-old son flirt with 34-year-old Cindy Williams.

As for the rest, Shirley seems more smitten with Mike onscreen (played by a 21-year-old actor in his television debut) than in the script.

"Child's Play" script, Scene J

The final scene in the script takes us back to the auditorium, again with continuous action.

We lost Shirley saying, as the Handsome Prince, while Laverne is changing into the Red Riding Hood costume behind the wishing well, "In case the wolf gets me before I get him, I came back for one last look.  You're even more beautiful than I remember you," although there is no Sleeping Beauty on the stage at this point, other than the parts of the costume Laverne has shed.

This was also omitted, after HP solves the mystery:  

THE GIRLS START LIGHTLY PUNCHING EACH OTHER, WHICH BUILDS TO A SHORT SLAP FIGHT.  THEY DO SOME STOMACH PUNCHES.  THEY EXIT OFFSTAGE.  LAVERNE ENTERS WITH THE SHIRLEY DUMMY AND BEATS IT.  SHE TOSSES IT OFFSTAGE.  SHIRLEY RE-ENTERS.

SHIRLEY

Now, I'm upset.  That was one heck of a violent beating.

SHIRLEY DRAGS LAVERNE OFFSTAGE BY HER HAIR.  SHIRLEY REAPPEARS WITH THE LAVERNE DUMMY AND BEATS IT.  SHE TOSSES IT OFFSTAGE.  LAVERNE RE-ENTERS.

LAVERNE

You should call yourself the sissy prince.

SHIRLEY

I see your evil ways are not destroyed so easily.

And then she resorts to the "milk of human kindness."

The kiss Shirley takes is described as "passionate" in the script, and Laverne does not say, "Don't ever do that again," after her initial reaction of "not bad."  If that's not slashy enough for you, how about the original version of Laverne's "And Mother Goose Land will be the happiest land ever"?

This was 1981.  Dana Olsen and Jeff Franklin knew exactly what they were saying.

The tag, where the girls show up at Cowboy Bill's, and the thread with the random man mistaken for Mr. Merrit is resolved, was added at some point, although, remember, this is the revised shooting script, so that seems a lot to come up with this late in the game.  Here's the last page and a half of Scene J, after Merrit says the girls have a future in television:

SHIRLEY

Shirley and Laverne on television.

LAVERNE

No, Laverne and Shirley.

MERRIT

You'd be great in my new show.  It's about two girls who are roommates.

SHIRLEY

That's perfect.  We've been roommates for years.

LAVERNE

We used to be bottlecappers at Shotz Brewery in Milwaukee.

MERRIT

Love it, love it!

PEACHES ENTERS.

PEACHES

Oh Mikey, our cab's here.  We don't want to be late to the Network.  (TO GIRLS) You two were so funny!

PEACHES EXITS, LAUGHING.  THE GIRLS DO A TAKE.

LAVERNE

We don't want her on our show.

MERRIT

Meet me tomorrow at 10 o'clock, Paramount Studios.  (STARTS OUT, THEN TURNS BACK)  And don't be late!

HE EXITS.  GIRLS AD-LIB "WE WON'T BE," "WE'LL BE THERE."

LAVERNE/SHIRLEY

Our own TV show.

SHIRLEY

Let's agree right now.  On our show, no silliness.

LAVERNE

Only meaningful drama.

SHIRLEY

Drama that will make the vast wasteland of television bloom again.

LAVERNE

I got a great opening.

THEY JOIN HANDS AND SKIP OFF-STAGE DOING "SHLEMIEL, SHLEMAZZLE, HASENPEFFER, INC."

Season Six could've ended with this very fourth-wall-breaking, meta scene, but of course it didn't.  It ended with everyone wanting to strangle Squiggy.

Some other thoughts on this scene:

1. I'm sorry, where did they get the Laverne and Shirley dummies from?  Were they in the dress rehearsal of Shirley's play, or did the girls somehow take the time to transform dummies lying around backstage into their own likenesses?  I'm picturing this scene as looking a little like the "Make 'Em Laugh" number in Singin' in the Rain, only weirder.
2. This scene manages to have both Laverne questioning Shirley's masculinity and perhaps the closest to canon of Laverne genuinely enjoying Shirley kissing her.  MGL is a happy and gay land, and even on the aired episode, Laverne and Shirley are gonna make babies together.  (Spit-babies.)
3. What's going on with Peaches?  There is an attractive woman who whispers to Merrit on the aired episode, and she is credited on IMDB, but, unless her lines dropped out through syndication, it's unclear what she's doing here.  
• I mean, yes, she's presumably some starlet, but there's no physical description of her in the script, not even the standard "pretty girl," and she just shows up, laughs at the girls, and then leaves with a bad impression.  
• It might make a little sense if Merrit insisted on the casting of Peaches (maybe as their sexy Rhonda-esque neighbor) and that was a deal-breaker, but no, he still wants to meet them at, oho, Paramount Studios in the morning.
4. Are Olsen and Franklin mocking Williams and Marshall or themselves or critics of the show or what?  Cindy did want to do more drama but she embraced the silliness once she committed to the series.

This script starts out very recognizable from what aired, unlike the drastically rewritten "I Do, I Do" draft.  There are some odd glitches and typos but it seems pretty straightforward.  Yet in the end it proves that, strange as you think the California years are, they could've been even stranger.  (And of course sometimes cooler.)

"Child's Play" script, Scene H

It's back to Cowboy Bill's, with "continuous action."  Here's what was omitted:

RHONDA

He's dead.  Humpty-Dumpty, the love of Miss Muffet's life.  Wrenched mercilessly from my bosom!  (SURVEYS ROOM, LOOKS AT FRANK) Who could the murderer be?

FRANK

(HOWLING)  Ooooow!  Oooooow!  It's not me.  They're always blaming the wolf.  Get off my back, will you?

Then the next two-thirds of a page, with Edna singing and dying, Carmine singing and not dying, and Rhonda dying but not singing, made it in.   The rest got left out:

FRANK

I'll bet it's that nasty Mr. Cow.  He always looks so contented.

SQUIGGY

Moo.  Moo.  Does anyone have some chocolate chip cookies to go with my...

SQUIGGY DROPS DEAD, SPILLING THE MILK ON HIMSELF.

CARMINE

(SINGING) ANOTHER SENSELESS KILLING.  ANOTHER SENSELESS DEATH.  THAT MEANS IT'S JUST ME, THE HANDSOME PRINCE, AND YOU, THE BIG BAD WOLF, AND... I BETTER GO PROTECT SLEEPING BEAUTY.

FRANK

We don't got a Sleeping Beauty.

EVERYONE POPS UP AD-LIBBING "I'LL BE SLEEPING BEAUTY."  AS THEY ARGUE OVER WHO SHOULD PLAY THE PART, WE:

CUT TO:

And then it's on to Scene J.

This is the most changed scene of the script so far and has a few things worth noting:

1. This fills in some of the play's "plot" that we miss in the aired episode.
2. Shirley not only romantically paired Laverne and Carmine as Sleeping Beauty and Handsome Prince, but she apparently paired the less expected Humpty and Muffet, i.e. Lenny and Rhonda.  Shipping is often a strange thing on this series.
3. I don't know which makes less sense, that Squiggy could ever look contented, or that contentment could lead to murder.  (Or is he contented because he's a murderer?)  Or for that matter, why is it "Mr. Cow"?
4. And now I'm going to wonder who got to be Sleeping Beauty and thus kissed by Carmine.

"Child's Play" script, Scene E

Omissions from this scene:

1. Laverne's "I told you, Shirl" after she gets whistles from the audience at her Sleeping Beauty costume.  (Then again, on the episode she's not wearing the "nude body stocking" for the stage version.)
2. When Laverne does the "tired hooves" joke, "no one laughs, but Shirley.  She catches herself."  Then Laverne says, "I told you, you should cut this joke."
3. The theater audience instead laughs at the end of the scene.

"Child's Play" script, Scene D

Act Two opens at Cowboy Bill's, at an unspecified time, with continuous action.  There were supposed to be a few customers, but there aren't on the filmed version.

Squiggy calling Carmine "The Big Racoo" was presumably Lander's touch.  In the script, he called himself "Andrew Squire" rather than "Andy Squire."  Carmine was supposed to "grab Squiggy and pull him into the kitchen," but I prefer the cooler exit Squiggy does on the episode.

And then the episode switched over to "Scene C."

"Laverne & Shirley": The Collector's Edition, Volume Eight

We already saw the girls "At the Brewery," but the volume called "Fun on the Job" takes a look at their post-Shotz employment, at one workplace in particular:

"After working as bottle-cappers in the Shotz Brewery, Laverne and Shirley move to Burbank, California to work as gift-wrappers in Bardwell's Department Store.  The madcap duo keep slapstick alive, in the tradition of the physical comedy of Lucille Ball and Lucy and Ethel.  [Again, who edited these awkward blurbs?]  'I feel the country misses Lucy very badly,' executive producer Garry Marshall told the Washington Post.  'So Laverne and Shirley get involved in Lucyish situations.'  But unlike Lucy who relied on Ricky to untangle her problems, Laverne and Shirley rely on each other--making Laverne and Shirley that much funnier."

The tape kicks off with the two-part "The Bardwell Caper," from late in Season Six:

• "Laverne and Shirley, angry about being passed over for a $5 raise, write a nasty letter to their boss, but, when the boss gives them an $8 raise, they recruit Lenny, Squiggy, and Carmine to help them get the letter back from his electronically alarmed office using Mission Impossible tactics.  Note: Norman Barthold (Mr. Hildebrand) starred as District Attorney Donahue on Adam's Rib and Mr. Brody on Teacher's Only."
• "While trying to cover their tracks after getting into their boss's security-tight office, Laverne and Shirley discover some interesting information about their boss in his private chambers.  Note: Dave Ketchum, who co-wrote this episode, starred as Agent 13 on Get Smart." 

There's no Stay Tuned for Part One, but Part Two has Laverne say, "Laverne and Shirley will be right back," and Shirley add, "We'd be pleased if you stayed tuned."

We get the final Bardwell's episode, from very early in Season Eight, "Window on Main Street," described this way: "When Mr. Hildebrand assigns Laverne and Shirley to live for a week in a store window room that exhibits developments of the future, a hypnotist cures Laverne of her claustrophobia, accidentally causing the girls to act like chickens any time they hear a bell ring.  Note: In this episode, Shirley, married to Walter Meany [sic] (making her Shirley Feeney-Meany) discovers she's pregnant.  Leslie Easterbrook (Rhonda Lee) starred as Officer Callahan in the Police Academy movies."

There is no Stay Tuned, although it would've been Cindy's last chance for one.

And lastly, we get a glimpse at the last regular canon job Laverne would ever hold: "When Frank De Fazio gets a job for Laverne at the Ajax Aerospace Company, Laverne floats through the factory inside an anti-gravity suit.  Note: Robert Hogan (G. Bullets Klein) starred as Tyler Benedict on The Don Rickles Show and Sheriff Paul Tate on The Manhunter.  Charles Fleisher [sic] (Chuck) provided the voice of Roger Rabbit in Who Framed Roger Rabbit?  Raleigh Bond (Bill Ajax) starred as Raleigh on Alice."

The Stay Tuned is Laverne's unconfident "Don't go away, we'll be right back.  Really."  I need to note that I had forgotten so much about this episode since my last viewing, I didn't realize that "G. Bullets Klein" actually appeared on the series, not just in the Shirley-version of "The Baby Show."

I can take or leave this volume of the collection.  I suppose that it's good that we got a sampling of the girls' experience at Bardwell's, but again, I would've liked a volume with musical episodes instead.

"Child's Play" script, Scene C

We go to the auditorium stage and, thanks to the girls' little known teleportation skills, it is "moments later."

Actually, I think what happened here is that the scenes got shuffled.  On the aired episode, we next see what is called "Scene D" in the script (more about that next time), and then this scene.  But I'm going in script order, so let's continue with C.

SHIRLEY IS WATCHING FROM THE WINGS.  MERRIT IS LECTURING AN AUDITORIUM OF COLLEGE STUDENTS.  THE PROPS, SCENERY, AND COSTUMES ARE ALSO IN THE WINGS.

MERRIT

(SPEAKING FROM PODIUM) From these drama classes emerge the future stars of Broadway.  Actors, writers, directors, and talented producers such as myself.  Thank God I'm a biggy.  But enough of me.  Tonight I'm here to watch a young, new playwright-director perform her first original work.

His speech was cut down for the filmed version.  The stock footage of the audience looks like 1950s people of all ages, although at least in color.  Perhaps that eight-year-old boy and his grandparents in the front row were college students at the time, but I doubt it.

Laverne is "wearing her sleeping beauty costumes," yes, plural.  But in the episode she's got a trenchcoat over it/them.  Her slapping hysterical Shirley was added.  Merrit's pretentious way of pronouncing "Feeney" is presumably Dick Patterson's finesse since there's no suggestion of it in the script.

This scene ends Act One, but, yes, on the air it went A, B, D, C.

"Child's Play" script, Scene B

We return to the girls' apartment, a few days later, again at night:  The first page and a half is intact, but I will note how Laverne's costume is described: "She is wearing a nude body stocking under a see-through chiffon dress."

This was omitted after "Mr. Cow" says his hooves are tired:

SHIRLEY CRACKS UP.

SHIRLEY

Ah, how I love comic relief.  It breaks the tension of serious drama.  (BEAT)  All right, continue.

For some reason, Squiggy's "Aw, stuff it, Muffet" was changed to "Can it, Rhonda, we all know what happened."  Laverne's line saying of Squiggy, "He's gonna spoil your play.  Get rid of him," was left out.

Lenny was supposed to "gasp and writhe around the room a bit and collapse on the floor" rather than quickly die.  Carmine was supposed to say, "Humpty Dumpty is dead-ty" rather than announce the death in a less cutesy manner.  Also everyone was supposed to "gasp dramatically and start to sob softly," not just Carmine.  After Laverne says, "A murder in Mother Goose Land," she was supposed to observe, "My first line in two minutes, and it's plot."

We lost Laverne saying, "Nice legs, Carmine."  And we understandably lost Shirley saying, "C'mon, Shirl."

Squiggy was supposed to "sneeze, blow his nose in the note, crumple it up and throw it away," rather than just throw it away.  And we lost Shirley's closing line, with "heavy dramatic flair": "There's no business like show business."

None of these changes are a big loss, although I have a soft spot for "Stuff it, Muffet."

"Child's Play" script, Scene A

After the acid-trip of "I Do, I Do," the "Rev. Shooting Script" for "Child's Play" offers far fewer surprises, but it is Season Six, so it's still weird.  From April 14, 1981 (airdate May 26th), we begin, as we so often do, in the girls' apartment, this time at night....

For the most part, the four pages are intact, although Lenny and Laverne building a cardhouse together was added.  Another addition was Edna having no place to sit when a bunch of people cram onto the sofa, and then Frank calls her Sweetheart and has her sit in his lap.  This lends support to my theory that shippiness was sometimes more due to the performers than the writers.

"I Do, I Do" script, Scene C

The third and final scene, and the only one for Act Two, runs fifteen pages, and, well, it goes some places you might not expect, even for this episode.  But, yes, it's set at a Las Vegas Wedding Chapel at night, presumably the same night.

THE CHAPEL IS A TINY, TACKILY ORNATE ROOM WITH A LARGE FLASHING SIGN WHICH READS "ERNIE'S DISCOUNT WEDDINGS" AND A SMALLER SIGN SAYING "WE ACCEPT MOST MAJOR CREDIT CARDS" BELOW IT.  LONDON AND DEREK ARE AT THE DESK TALKING TO MR. ERNIE, AN ELDERLY USED-CAR SALESMAN TYPE.  HE IS SHOWING THEM WEDDING RINGS.

MR. ERNIE

Your brides will love our deluxe wedding rings, complete with the inscription, "I got married at Ernie's, Las Vegas, Nevada."

DEREK

How much for the whole kit and cabooble [sic]?

MR. ERNIE

A mere $72.95.

LONDON

We'll take it.  Could be the best investment we ever made.

LONDON AND DEREK LAUGH.

MR. ERNIE

If all young people felt like that, the world would be a better place.

WE HEAR HYSTERICAL LAUGHTER FROM OFF STAGE.  MRS. ERNIE, A SWEET OLD LADY ENTERS FROM A DRESSING ROOM AREA.

Mrs. Ernie's line about how happy "the happy brides" are made it in, but this part about the grooms cynically picking out rings was replaced by Derek being surprised to hear, from London, that the girls are stoned on Malcolm's brownies and that's the only reason Laverne has agreed to marry him.

The girls' entrance is the same in both versions, but this was left out after Derek asks what's so funny:

SHIRLEY

We were getting dressed and Laverne said...

SHIRLEY STARTS LAUGHING SO HARD SHE CAN'T CONTINUE.

LAVERNE

We're wearing white?

On the filmed episodes, the girls kneel and pray to the flashing lights of the "Ernie's Discount Weddings" sign, but here's what happens in the script:

LAVERNE

Wow, Shirl, isn't that beautiful?

SHIRLEY

It's wonderful how mankind has harnessed electricity for the good of the people, with liberty and justice for all.

BOTH GIRLS PUT THEIR RIGHT HANDS OVER THEIR HEARTS AND STAND AT ATTENTION.

MR. ERNIE

You ladies feeling alright?

LONDON AND DEREK STOP THE GIRLS HEADS FROM SPINNING.

LAVERNE

Great.  You got anymore of those brownies?

LONDON

Yes, but these are the last two.

LONDON HANDS EACH GIRL A BROWNIE.

SHIRLEY

(HEARTBROKEN) The last two brownies.

SHIRLEY STUFFS HER BROWNIE DOWN HER DRESS.

SHIRLEY (CONT'D)

I'm saving mine for later.

LAVERNE

I can't wait.  I'll eat mine very slowly.

LAVERNE MOVES HER BROWNIE TOWARDS HER MOUTH VERY SLOWLY.  SHE SLOWLY CRAMS THE ENTIRE BROWNIE INTO HER MOUTH.

DEREK

Let's get on with the wedding, Ernie my boy.  We've got a lot at stake here.

MR. ERNIE

Wait, no wedding is complete without music.

SHIRLEY

Oh, yes, yes.  We must have music.  Music is the water that fills love's bathtub. 

DEREK

Done alright by our tub.

LONDON

(HANDING HIM [presumably Mr. Ernie] A BILL) Alright, alright.

MR. ERNIE

Mom, bring out the auto harp.

LAVERNE LOOKS AT DEREK AND STARTS LAUGHING.

DEREK

Now what are you so merry about?

LAVERNE

Look at his face, Shirl, his eyebrows don't match.

SHIRLEY

Well look at London.  I have to kiss crooked lips.

THEY BOTH LAUGH HYSTERICALLY.

MR. ERNIE

Please ladies, we need your names for the marriage licenses.

In the episode, the girls look forward to looking for Tony Bennett's heart on their honeymoon in San Francisco.  Laverne tries to eat the last brownie, but the grooms try to get her to spit it out, revealing that there's marijuana in the brownie.  While Shirley is initially upset, both girls end up being amused that they're stoned.  In what's the closest thing to a "lesson" in this episode, London says, "No one should ever sneak marijuana into anyone's food."  And yet the wedding proceeds.

In the script, both girls wanted their spiritual name to be "Starburst" rather than "Star Monkey," although Laverne settles for "Lemon Pledge" in both.  Shirley's line "It captures the essence of your being" was given to Derek.

Onscreen, the girls pass out at their Bingo-filled wedding and the lads leave them bus fare, blaming Malcolm for things not working out.  The brides sleep through four weddings and then have to leave the chapel, their memories fuzzy.  Almost nothing from the last ten pages of the script made it in, so I'm just going to transcribe it with minimal comment until the end:

LAVERNE

(STARTS TO SIGN LICENSE) How many "j"'s in Pledge?

DEREK

Just put down Shirley Feeney and Laverne DeFazio.

LONDON 

(COVERING) They're too excited to write.

MR. ERNIE

(FINISHES WRITING NAMES) Okay, all set.  You brides wait right here so you can walk down the aisle.

MR. ERNIE, DEREK AND LONDON CROSS TO THE ALTAR.  MRS. ERNIE STANDS NEARBY WITH HER AUTOHARP.

SHIRLEY

Laverne, I almost forgot.  We need something old, something new, something borrowed and...

LAVERNE

Something to eat.

SHIRLEY

No, that's not it.  What did I just say?

LAVERNE

No, that's not it.

SHIRLEY

I didn't think it was.

MRS. ERNIE STARTS PLAYING WEDDING MARCH AND SNEEZES OCCASIONALLY.  LAVERNE & SHIRLEY START DOWN THE AISLE.  LAVERNE STARTS EATING HER OWN BOUQUET, SHIRLEY SLAPS HER HAND AWAY.

SHIRLEY (CONT'D)

Laverne, you don't want to press a half eaten bouquet in your Book of Memories, do you?

LAVERNE

Shirl, you're gettin' married.  I'm so happy for you.

LAVERNE IS MISTY.  AS THEY PASS BY MRS. ERNIE SNEEZES.  THE GIRLS HAVE REACHED THE ALTAR.  MRS. ERNIE STOPS PLAYING.  LAVERNE NOTICES THAT THEY'VE REACHED THEIR DESTINATION.

LAVERNE (CONT'D)

That's it?  That's our walk down the aisle?

SHIRLEY

It did seem a tad short.

LONDON

Come on honey, we're starting.

SHIRLEY

I'm sorry.  We've waited all our lives to walk down an aisle and by Jove, we're gonna walk.

LAVERNE

(TO MRS. ERNIE) Take it from the top, Mom.

MRS. ERNIE RESUMES PLAYING.  THE GIRLS WALK UP THE AISLE AND BACK AGAIN.  EACH TIME THE GIRLS PASS MRS. ERNIE SNEEZES.  THEY REACH THE ALTAR AND TAKE THEIR PLACES.  MR. ERNIE SIGNALS TO MRS. TO STOP PLAYING.

MR. ERNIE

Dearly beloved, we are gathered here tonight at Ernie's Discount Wedding Chapel... and Bingo Parlor, to join in Holy Matrimony these two loving couples...  Do you, Derek and London, take Shirley and Laverne to be your lawfully wedded wives?

DEREK

I do.

MRS. ERNIE'S SNEEZES DURING THE FOLLOWING, GETTING PROGRESSIVELY WORSE.

MR. ERNIE

Do you, Shirley and Laverne, take Derek and London to be your lawfully wedded husbands?

LAVERNE

(SNEEZING) Ah-choo!

SHIRLEY

Me too.

DEREK/LONDON

(HAND SHAKE AND WINK) We're married!

MR. ERNIE

I believe she said "ah-choo", not "I do".

MRS. ERNIE IS NOW SNEEZING CONTINUOUSLY.  LAVERNE STARTS GIGGLING.  SHIRLEY CROSSES TO MRS. ERNIE TO COMFORT HER.

SHIRLEY

Mrs. Ernie, there's a wedding going on.  Would you please shut your nose?

LAVERNE CROSSES TO SHIRLEY.

LAVERNE

(STILL GIGGLING) Shirl, she's part of the package.  Something "old" and something "blew".

BOTH GIRLS LAUGH.  LONDON CROSSES TO SHIRLEY.

LONDON

Shirley, dear, she'll be all right.  She's probably just allergic to these flowers.

LONDON TOSSES BOTH GIRLS FLOWERS AWAY.

MR. ERNIE

Don't think so, son.  The only things she's allergic to are walrus hair and marijuana.  That's why we moved out to the desert.  None of that stuff out here.

SHIRLEY

But why is she sneezing?

THE SNEEZING GETS WORSE.

LONDON

(LEADING SHIRLEY BACK TO ALTAR) Why don't we visit the chemist after the ceremony.

AS SHIRLEY IS PULLED AWAY BY LONDON, MRS. ERNIE QUIETS SOMEWHAT.

LAVERNE

Well look at that.

LAVERNE TAKES SHIRLEY IN ONE HAND, MRS. ERNIE IN THE OTHER.  SHE BRINGS THEM CLOSE TOGETHER.  MRS. ERNIE SNEEZES.  SHE PUSHES THEM APART.  MRS. ERNIE CALMS DOWN.

LAVERNE (CONT'D)

She's allergic to you, Shirl.  You never told me you were part walrus.

DEREK

Stranger things have happened.  All during the last tour I thought I was Napoleon.

LAVERNE

Mmmmm, Napoleons.  Shirl, can I have your brownie?

SHIRLEY

Okay, just one little bite.  (TAKES BROWNIE FROM HER GOWN AND HANDS IT TO LAVERNE)

MRS. ERNIE HAS ANOTHER SNEEZING ATTACK.

LAVERNE

Did you put walrus hair in those brownies?

DEREK

Don't be a silly bird.  Who'd put walrus hair in a brownie.

LONDON

Or mari-what-ever-you-called-it.

LONDON GOES TO TAKE THE BROWNIE FROM LAVERNE, BUT MR. ERNIE BEATS HIM TO IT.  HE HOLDS IT UNDER MRS. ERNIE'S NOSE AND SHE NEARLY HITS THE FLOOR.

MR. ERNIE

There's marijuana in these brownies.  Her nose knows.

MR. ERNIE THROWS THE BROWNIE AWAY.  MRS. ERNIE BEGINS TO RECOVER.

SHIRLEY

(STILL STONED BUT TRYING TO PULL HERSELF TOGETHER) Wait a minute.  You gave us forbidden fudge?

LONDON

We just wanted you to have a good time.

DEREK

Cause we 'Love Our Babies'.

SHIRLEY

What you did was disgraceful.

LAVERNE

It was?

SHIRLEY

Laverne, it was like they snuck rum and coke into your milk and Pepsi, and the next thing you knew you were Mrs. Rumsneaker.

LAVERNE

(MULLING) Laverne Rumsneaker.  Got a ring to it.

LONDON

Could we all discuss this after we tie the knot of marital bliss?

MR. ERNIE

Well, I'm afraid if you got these girls drugged just so you could walk them down an aisle, I cannot in good conscience marry you.

DEREK

How about in bad conscience?

LAVERNE

(TO MRS. ERNIE) Do you know what is going on here?

SHIRLEY

You better beat it, boys.

LONDON

Okay, we'll tell you the truth.  We really wanted to marry you to save money on our income tax.

DEREK

We didn't mean no harm with the brownies.  We just wanted to make sure you'd say yes.

LONDON

But then we got to know you.  And when we saw you in those wedding gowns...  it was true love.

LAVERNE

(FINALLY UNDERSTANDING) If that ain't a crock of English stew, I'm Big Ben.

SHIRLEY

And you better not be here when she strikes twelve.

LAVERNE

(SWAYING FROM SIDE TO SIDE)  Bong... bong... bong.

LONDON AND DEREK START TO EXIT, PASSING MRS. ERNIE.

MRS. ERNIE

And don't darken the doors of my chapel again.

LAVERNE

Well, Shirl.  What do we do now?

MR. ERNIE

You paid for the complete package, so why not stay for the reception?

MR. ERNIE BRINGS OUT TWO PIECES OF CAKE AND MRS. ERNIE BRINGS OUT TWO GLASSES OF CHAMPAGNE.

LAVERNE

Food?

LAVERNE TAKES A DIVE FOR THE CAKE BUT SHIRLEY SNATCHES IT AWAY.

SHIRLEY

Just a minute.

SHIRLEY PUTS THE CAKE UNDER MRS. ERNIE'S NOSE.  SHE DOESN'T REACT.

SHIRLEY (CONT'D)

It's safe.

MR. ERNIE

We'll leave you two alone to enjoy this joyous occasion.

MR. AND MRS. ERNIE EXIT.

SHIRLEY

Some joyous occasion.

LAVERNE

But it's good cake, Shirl.

SHIRLEY

You've had enough cake for one day, Laverne.  Look at us.  For years we've dreamed of our wedding day.  It's not exactly what we pictured.

LAVERNE

I kind of figured more of it would be in Latin.

SHIRLEY

You're taking this all fairly well, Laverne.  But wait until the chocolate gets out of your brain.

LAVERNE

Look at it this way.  We were half married.  That's gotta be better than not married at all.  (CROSSES TO MIRROR) And now I know we're gonna make two beautiful brides.

LAVERNE POSES IN FRONT OF THE MIRROR.  SHIRLEY CROSSES TO HER.  THEY ADMIRE THEMSELVES FOR A BEAT.

SHIRLEY

I bet we'd look twice as good in whole wedding dresses.

LAVERNE

I got an idea.

LAVERNE HAS SHIRLEY STAND BEHIND HER, BACK TO BACK.  THEY HOOK ARMS AND SPIN AROUND IN FRONT OF THE MIRROR.

LAVERNE (CONT'D)

You're gorgeous, Shirl.

SHIRLEY

You're a vision, Laverne.

MR. AND MRS. ERNIE COME BACK IN.

MR. ERNIE

Uh, girls.  Not too much champagne after those brownies.

THE GIRLS STOP SPINNING.

LAVERNE

Sorry, Mr. Ernie.

MR. ERNIE

We have to start cleaning up.  Busy...  busy... busy.

SHIRLEY

Sure.  We're done anyway.

MRS. ERNIE

Oh no, you can't leave without throwing a bouquet.

MRS. ERNIE THROWS THEM EACH A BOUQUET.  THEY PAUSE A BEAT, THEN THROW IT TO EACH OTHER, THEN START TO EXIT.

LAVERNE

See you soon, Mr. Ernie.

SHIRLEY

And next time it's for keeps.

Breaking this down:

• I'm honestly not sure how we're supposed to see Mr. and Mrs. Ernie.  He's a "used-car salesman type" and obviously out to make money but he has his limits.  On the other hand, it's not like he reports London and Derek to the police.  As for his missus, I really want the backstory on how they discovered her allergies.
• The "kit and cabooble" would cost about $600 in today's money, so that is a bargain.
• By Season Six, it was canon that Laverne was definitely not a virgin, but here she seems surprised that Shirley is also getting married in white.
• In the version that aired, Malcolm is to blame for giving the girls pot brownies, but here London tries to ply them with more brownies, and in their confession Derek says it was to make sure they said yes, so they both knew what they were doing.  Not that they aren't guilty in the later version, but the character of Malcolm is used to shift some of their guilt.
• Laverne definitely has the munchies.  And, yes, Shirley is saving her "goodie" for after the wedding, while Laverne can't wait, yes, transparent symbolism.
• "Music is the water that fills love's bathtub," and who can argue with that?
• Do Derek and London really have those facial features or are the girls just tripping?
• The auto harp did make it in.
• Shirley really has a thing about pressing edibles into memory books, here and in "Debutante Ball."
• The girls get sentimental about the other getting married, during and after the wedding, which is kind of sweet.
• "By Jove"?  Shirley is really taking seriously the idea of marrying an Englishman.
• Note that Mr. Ernie twice screws up the order of the couples, with "Derek and London" marrying "Shirley and Laverne," when it's supposed to be Derek paired with Laverne, London with Shirley.  Not that it probably matters much to the grooms, considering the name mix-up in Scene B.
• Shirley's idea of comforting Mrs. E is to politely tell her to shut her nose.
• I'm not an expert on this, but could someone with a marijuana allergy really pick up the scent from a brownie stuffed down someone's gown?
• "Who'd put walrus hair in a brownie" has to be one of the most Season-Sixish questions ever asked, even if it was typed without a question mark.
• Also, "forbidden fudge" is fantastic phrasing.
• The callback to the band's hit song isn't much of a payoff, but there you go.
• Shirley catches on faster than Laverne, but Laverne is probably more stoned at this point.
• They didn't capitalize the "coke" in "rum and coke," but I don't know if this is due to their erratic typist or if this was a stealth cocaine joke.  Also, "Laverne Rumsneaker" does have a ring to it.
• And is Laverne bonging like Big Ben another drug joke?
• Why do the lads confess about the taxes?  I mean, it's not like the girls were going to figure that part out.  And is London's pet peeve about "phoney people" meant to be ironic, since he and Derek continue to fake their love for the girls?
• Mrs. Ernie is somewhat of a mysterious figure here.  We don't know her first name (it's Ernestine in the episode), and she doesn't say much, but she's the one Laverne turns to for clarification and she tells the Bridges to never darken her doors again.
• Why would Shirley suspect the wedding cake?  Does she think the rejected grooms tampered with it on their way out?  And what does she mean that Laverne has had enough cake for one day?  Laverne has been eating brownies, not cake.  ("Baked goods" would've made more sense.)
• Shirley is more upset than Laverne about the wedding.
• Laverne apparently expected to get married in the Catholic Church.
• The girls posing as two halves of a beautiful bride feels symbolic, in a different way than Shirley's wedding to Walter will.
• Do they expect to come back to the chapel for another double wedding?  Why would they want to?
• And how are they getting home, since they don't have bus fare and are still stoned and now possibly drunk on champagne?  Did Mr. and Mrs. E take pity on them, by either giving them bus fare or letting them call their friends back in Burbank?  I'd love to have had a tag where the girls come home after the boys have picked them up in the ice cream truck, sort of like the ending to "Bus Stop," but I guess I'm being greedy.

This is a very strange script for a not quite as strange episode.  I can see why the changes were made, but it has its own, well, psychedelic charm.