"I Do, I Do" script, Scene C

The third and final scene, and the only one for Act Two, runs fifteen pages, and, well, it goes some places you might not expect, even for this episode.  But, yes, it's set at a Las Vegas Wedding Chapel at night, presumably the same night.

THE CHAPEL IS A TINY, TACKILY ORNATE ROOM WITH A LARGE FLASHING SIGN WHICH READS "ERNIE'S DISCOUNT WEDDINGS" AND A SMALLER SIGN SAYING "WE ACCEPT MOST MAJOR CREDIT CARDS" BELOW IT.  LONDON AND DEREK ARE AT THE DESK TALKING TO MR. ERNIE, AN ELDERLY USED-CAR SALESMAN TYPE.  HE IS SHOWING THEM WEDDING RINGS.

MR. ERNIE

Your brides will love our deluxe wedding rings, complete with the inscription, "I got married at Ernie's, Las Vegas, Nevada."

DEREK

How much for the whole kit and cabooble [sic]?

MR. ERNIE

A mere $72.95.

LONDON

We'll take it.  Could be the best investment we ever made.

LONDON AND DEREK LAUGH.

MR. ERNIE

If all young people felt like that, the world would be a better place.

WE HEAR HYSTERICAL LAUGHTER FROM OFF STAGE.  MRS. ERNIE, A SWEET OLD LADY ENTERS FROM A DRESSING ROOM AREA.

Mrs. Ernie's line about how happy "the happy brides" are made it in, but this part about the grooms cynically picking out rings was replaced by Derek being surprised to hear, from London, that the girls are stoned on Malcolm's brownies and that's the only reason Laverne has agreed to marry him.

The girls' entrance is the same in both versions, but this was left out after Derek asks what's so funny:

SHIRLEY

We were getting dressed and Laverne said...

SHIRLEY STARTS LAUGHING SO HARD SHE CAN'T CONTINUE.

LAVERNE

We're wearing white?

On the filmed episodes, the girls kneel and pray to the flashing lights of the "Ernie's Discount Weddings" sign, but here's what happens in the script:

LAVERNE

Wow, Shirl, isn't that beautiful?

SHIRLEY

It's wonderful how mankind has harnessed electricity for the good of the people, with liberty and justice for all.

BOTH GIRLS PUT THEIR RIGHT HANDS OVER THEIR HEARTS AND STAND AT ATTENTION.

MR. ERNIE

You ladies feeling alright?

LONDON AND DEREK STOP THE GIRLS HEADS FROM SPINNING.

LAVERNE

Great.  You got anymore of those brownies?

LONDON

Yes, but these are the last two.

LONDON HANDS EACH GIRL A BROWNIE.

SHIRLEY

(HEARTBROKEN) The last two brownies.

SHIRLEY STUFFS HER BROWNIE DOWN HER DRESS.

SHIRLEY (CONT'D)

I'm saving mine for later.

LAVERNE

I can't wait.  I'll eat mine very slowly.

LAVERNE MOVES HER BROWNIE TOWARDS HER MOUTH VERY SLOWLY.  SHE SLOWLY CRAMS THE ENTIRE BROWNIE INTO HER MOUTH.

DEREK

Let's get on with the wedding, Ernie my boy.  We've got a lot at stake here.

MR. ERNIE

Wait, no wedding is complete without music.

SHIRLEY

Oh, yes, yes.  We must have music.  Music is the water that fills love's bathtub. 

DEREK

Done alright by our tub.

LONDON

(HANDING HIM [presumably Mr. Ernie] A BILL) Alright, alright.

MR. ERNIE

Mom, bring out the auto harp.

LAVERNE LOOKS AT DEREK AND STARTS LAUGHING.

DEREK

Now what are you so merry about?

LAVERNE

Look at his face, Shirl, his eyebrows don't match.

SHIRLEY

Well look at London.  I have to kiss crooked lips.

THEY BOTH LAUGH HYSTERICALLY.

MR. ERNIE

Please ladies, we need your names for the marriage licenses.

In the episode, the girls look forward to looking for Tony Bennett's heart on their honeymoon in San Francisco.  Laverne tries to eat the last brownie, but the grooms try to get her to spit it out, revealing that there's marijuana in the brownie.  While Shirley is initially upset, both girls end up being amused that they're stoned.  In what's the closest thing to a "lesson" in this episode, London says, "No one should ever sneak marijuana into anyone's food."  And yet the wedding proceeds.

In the script, both girls wanted their spiritual name to be "Starburst" rather than "Star Monkey," although Laverne settles for "Lemon Pledge" in both.  Shirley's line "It captures the essence of your being" was given to Derek.

Onscreen, the girls pass out at their Bingo-filled wedding and the lads leave them bus fare, blaming Malcolm for things not working out.  The brides sleep through four weddings and then have to leave the chapel, their memories fuzzy.  Almost nothing from the last ten pages of the script made it in, so I'm just going to transcribe it with minimal comment until the end:

LAVERNE

(STARTS TO SIGN LICENSE) How many "j"'s in Pledge?

DEREK

Just put down Shirley Feeney and Laverne DeFazio.

LONDON 

(COVERING) They're too excited to write.

MR. ERNIE

(FINISHES WRITING NAMES) Okay, all set.  You brides wait right here so you can walk down the aisle.

MR. ERNIE, DEREK AND LONDON CROSS TO THE ALTAR.  MRS. ERNIE STANDS NEARBY WITH HER AUTOHARP.

SHIRLEY

Laverne, I almost forgot.  We need something old, something new, something borrowed and...

LAVERNE

Something to eat.

SHIRLEY

No, that's not it.  What did I just say?

LAVERNE

No, that's not it.

SHIRLEY

I didn't think it was.

MRS. ERNIE STARTS PLAYING WEDDING MARCH AND SNEEZES OCCASIONALLY.  LAVERNE & SHIRLEY START DOWN THE AISLE.  LAVERNE STARTS EATING HER OWN BOUQUET, SHIRLEY SLAPS HER HAND AWAY.

SHIRLEY (CONT'D)

Laverne, you don't want to press a half eaten bouquet in your Book of Memories, do you?

LAVERNE

Shirl, you're gettin' married.  I'm so happy for you.

LAVERNE IS MISTY.  AS THEY PASS BY MRS. ERNIE SNEEZES.  THE GIRLS HAVE REACHED THE ALTAR.  MRS. ERNIE STOPS PLAYING.  LAVERNE NOTICES THAT THEY'VE REACHED THEIR DESTINATION.

LAVERNE (CONT'D)

That's it?  That's our walk down the aisle?

SHIRLEY

It did seem a tad short.

LONDON

Come on honey, we're starting.

SHIRLEY

I'm sorry.  We've waited all our lives to walk down an aisle and by Jove, we're gonna walk.

LAVERNE

(TO MRS. ERNIE) Take it from the top, Mom.

MRS. ERNIE RESUMES PLAYING.  THE GIRLS WALK UP THE AISLE AND BACK AGAIN.  EACH TIME THE GIRLS PASS MRS. ERNIE SNEEZES.  THEY REACH THE ALTAR AND TAKE THEIR PLACES.  MR. ERNIE SIGNALS TO MRS. TO STOP PLAYING.

MR. ERNIE

Dearly beloved, we are gathered here tonight at Ernie's Discount Wedding Chapel... and Bingo Parlor, to join in Holy Matrimony these two loving couples...  Do you, Derek and London, take Shirley and Laverne to be your lawfully wedded wives?

DEREK

I do.

MRS. ERNIE'S SNEEZES DURING THE FOLLOWING, GETTING PROGRESSIVELY WORSE.

MR. ERNIE

Do you, Shirley and Laverne, take Derek and London to be your lawfully wedded husbands?

LAVERNE

(SNEEZING) Ah-choo!

SHIRLEY

Me too.

DEREK/LONDON

(HAND SHAKE AND WINK) We're married!

MR. ERNIE

I believe she said "ah-choo", not "I do".

MRS. ERNIE IS NOW SNEEZING CONTINUOUSLY.  LAVERNE STARTS GIGGLING.  SHIRLEY CROSSES TO MRS. ERNIE TO COMFORT HER.

SHIRLEY

Mrs. Ernie, there's a wedding going on.  Would you please shut your nose?

LAVERNE CROSSES TO SHIRLEY.

LAVERNE

(STILL GIGGLING) Shirl, she's part of the package.  Something "old" and something "blew".

BOTH GIRLS LAUGH.  LONDON CROSSES TO SHIRLEY.

LONDON

Shirley, dear, she'll be all right.  She's probably just allergic to these flowers.

LONDON TOSSES BOTH GIRLS FLOWERS AWAY.

MR. ERNIE

Don't think so, son.  The only things she's allergic to are walrus hair and marijuana.  That's why we moved out to the desert.  None of that stuff out here.

SHIRLEY

But why is she sneezing?

THE SNEEZING GETS WORSE.

LONDON

(LEADING SHIRLEY BACK TO ALTAR) Why don't we visit the chemist after the ceremony.

AS SHIRLEY IS PULLED AWAY BY LONDON, MRS. ERNIE QUIETS SOMEWHAT.

LAVERNE

Well look at that.

LAVERNE TAKES SHIRLEY IN ONE HAND, MRS. ERNIE IN THE OTHER.  SHE BRINGS THEM CLOSE TOGETHER.  MRS. ERNIE SNEEZES.  SHE PUSHES THEM APART.  MRS. ERNIE CALMS DOWN.

LAVERNE (CONT'D)

She's allergic to you, Shirl.  You never told me you were part walrus.

DEREK

Stranger things have happened.  All during the last tour I thought I was Napoleon.

LAVERNE

Mmmmm, Napoleons.  Shirl, can I have your brownie?

SHIRLEY

Okay, just one little bite.  (TAKES BROWNIE FROM HER GOWN AND HANDS IT TO LAVERNE)

MRS. ERNIE HAS ANOTHER SNEEZING ATTACK.

LAVERNE

Did you put walrus hair in those brownies?

DEREK

Don't be a silly bird.  Who'd put walrus hair in a brownie.

LONDON

Or mari-what-ever-you-called-it.

LONDON GOES TO TAKE THE BROWNIE FROM LAVERNE, BUT MR. ERNIE BEATS HIM TO IT.  HE HOLDS IT UNDER MRS. ERNIE'S NOSE AND SHE NEARLY HITS THE FLOOR.

MR. ERNIE

There's marijuana in these brownies.  Her nose knows.

MR. ERNIE THROWS THE BROWNIE AWAY.  MRS. ERNIE BEGINS TO RECOVER.

SHIRLEY

(STILL STONED BUT TRYING TO PULL HERSELF TOGETHER) Wait a minute.  You gave us forbidden fudge?

LONDON

We just wanted you to have a good time.

DEREK

Cause we 'Love Our Babies'.

SHIRLEY

What you did was disgraceful.

LAVERNE

It was?

SHIRLEY

Laverne, it was like they snuck rum and coke into your milk and Pepsi, and the next thing you knew you were Mrs. Rumsneaker.

LAVERNE

(MULLING) Laverne Rumsneaker.  Got a ring to it.

LONDON

Could we all discuss this after we tie the knot of marital bliss?

MR. ERNIE

Well, I'm afraid if you got these girls drugged just so you could walk them down an aisle, I cannot in good conscience marry you.

DEREK

How about in bad conscience?

LAVERNE

(TO MRS. ERNIE) Do you know what is going on here?

SHIRLEY

You better beat it, boys.

LONDON

Okay, we'll tell you the truth.  We really wanted to marry you to save money on our income tax.

DEREK

We didn't mean no harm with the brownies.  We just wanted to make sure you'd say yes.

LONDON

But then we got to know you.  And when we saw you in those wedding gowns...  it was true love.

LAVERNE

(FINALLY UNDERSTANDING) If that ain't a crock of English stew, I'm Big Ben.

SHIRLEY

And you better not be here when she strikes twelve.

LAVERNE

(SWAYING FROM SIDE TO SIDE)  Bong... bong... bong.

LONDON AND DEREK START TO EXIT, PASSING MRS. ERNIE.

MRS. ERNIE

And don't darken the doors of my chapel again.

LAVERNE

Well, Shirl.  What do we do now?

MR. ERNIE

You paid for the complete package, so why not stay for the reception?

MR. ERNIE BRINGS OUT TWO PIECES OF CAKE AND MRS. ERNIE BRINGS OUT TWO GLASSES OF CHAMPAGNE.

LAVERNE

Food?

LAVERNE TAKES A DIVE FOR THE CAKE BUT SHIRLEY SNATCHES IT AWAY.

SHIRLEY

Just a minute.

SHIRLEY PUTS THE CAKE UNDER MRS. ERNIE'S NOSE.  SHE DOESN'T REACT.

SHIRLEY (CONT'D)

It's safe.

MR. ERNIE

We'll leave you two alone to enjoy this joyous occasion.

MR. AND MRS. ERNIE EXIT.

SHIRLEY

Some joyous occasion.

LAVERNE

But it's good cake, Shirl.

SHIRLEY

You've had enough cake for one day, Laverne.  Look at us.  For years we've dreamed of our wedding day.  It's not exactly what we pictured.

LAVERNE

I kind of figured more of it would be in Latin.

SHIRLEY

You're taking this all fairly well, Laverne.  But wait until the chocolate gets out of your brain.

LAVERNE

Look at it this way.  We were half married.  That's gotta be better than not married at all.  (CROSSES TO MIRROR) And now I know we're gonna make two beautiful brides.

LAVERNE POSES IN FRONT OF THE MIRROR.  SHIRLEY CROSSES TO HER.  THEY ADMIRE THEMSELVES FOR A BEAT.

SHIRLEY

I bet we'd look twice as good in whole wedding dresses.

LAVERNE

I got an idea.

LAVERNE HAS SHIRLEY STAND BEHIND HER, BACK TO BACK.  THEY HOOK ARMS AND SPIN AROUND IN FRONT OF THE MIRROR.

LAVERNE (CONT'D)

You're gorgeous, Shirl.

SHIRLEY

You're a vision, Laverne.

MR. AND MRS. ERNIE COME BACK IN.

MR. ERNIE

Uh, girls.  Not too much champagne after those brownies.

THE GIRLS STOP SPINNING.

LAVERNE

Sorry, Mr. Ernie.

MR. ERNIE

We have to start cleaning up.  Busy...  busy... busy.

SHIRLEY

Sure.  We're done anyway.

MRS. ERNIE

Oh no, you can't leave without throwing a bouquet.

MRS. ERNIE THROWS THEM EACH A BOUQUET.  THEY PAUSE A BEAT, THEN THROW IT TO EACH OTHER, THEN START TO EXIT.

LAVERNE

See you soon, Mr. Ernie.

SHIRLEY

And next time it's for keeps.

Breaking this down:

• I'm honestly not sure how we're supposed to see Mr. and Mrs. Ernie.  He's a "used-car salesman type" and obviously out to make money but he has his limits.  On the other hand, it's not like he reports London and Derek to the police.  As for his missus, I really want the backstory on how they discovered her allergies.
• The "kit and cabooble" would cost about $600 in today's money, so that is a bargain.
• By Season Six, it was canon that Laverne was definitely not a virgin, but here she seems surprised that Shirley is also getting married in white.
• In the version that aired, Malcolm is to blame for giving the girls pot brownies, but here London tries to ply them with more brownies, and in their confession Derek says it was to make sure they said yes, so they both knew what they were doing.  Not that they aren't guilty in the later version, but the character of Malcolm is used to shift some of their guilt.
• Laverne definitely has the munchies.  And, yes, Shirley is saving her "goodie" for after the wedding, while Laverne can't wait, yes, transparent symbolism.
• "Music is the water that fills love's bathtub," and who can argue with that?
• Do Derek and London really have those facial features or are the girls just tripping?
• The auto harp did make it in.
• Shirley really has a thing about pressing edibles into memory books, here and in "Debutante Ball."
• The girls get sentimental about the other getting married, during and after the wedding, which is kind of sweet.
• "By Jove"?  Shirley is really taking seriously the idea of marrying an Englishman.
• Note that Mr. Ernie twice screws up the order of the couples, with "Derek and London" marrying "Shirley and Laverne," when it's supposed to be Derek paired with Laverne, London with Shirley.  Not that it probably matters much to the grooms, considering the name mix-up in Scene B.
• Shirley's idea of comforting Mrs. E is to politely tell her to shut her nose.
• I'm not an expert on this, but could someone with a marijuana allergy really pick up the scent from a brownie stuffed down someone's gown?
• "Who'd put walrus hair in a brownie" has to be one of the most Season-Sixish questions ever asked, even if it was typed without a question mark.
• Also, "forbidden fudge" is fantastic phrasing.
• The callback to the band's hit song isn't much of a payoff, but there you go.
• Shirley catches on faster than Laverne, but Laverne is probably more stoned at this point.
• They didn't capitalize the "coke" in "rum and coke," but I don't know if this is due to their erratic typist or if this was a stealth cocaine joke.  Also, "Laverne Rumsneaker" does have a ring to it.
• And is Laverne bonging like Big Ben another drug joke?
• Why do the lads confess about the taxes?  I mean, it's not like the girls were going to figure that part out.  And is London's pet peeve about "phoney people" meant to be ironic, since he and Derek continue to fake their love for the girls?
• Mrs. Ernie is somewhat of a mysterious figure here.  We don't know her first name (it's Ernestine in the episode), and she doesn't say much, but she's the one Laverne turns to for clarification and she tells the Bridges to never darken her doors again.
• Why would Shirley suspect the wedding cake?  Does she think the rejected grooms tampered with it on their way out?  And what does she mean that Laverne has had enough cake for one day?  Laverne has been eating brownies, not cake.  ("Baked goods" would've made more sense.)
• Shirley is more upset than Laverne about the wedding.
• Laverne apparently expected to get married in the Catholic Church.
• The girls posing as two halves of a beautiful bride feels symbolic, in a different way than Shirley's wedding to Walter will.
• Do they expect to come back to the chapel for another double wedding?  Why would they want to?
• And how are they getting home, since they don't have bus fare and are still stoned and now possibly drunk on champagne?  Did Mr. and Mrs. E take pity on them, by either giving them bus fare or letting them call their friends back in Burbank?  I'd love to have had a tag where the girls come home after the boys have picked them up in the ice cream truck, sort of like the ending to "Bus Stop," but I guess I'm being greedy.

This is a very strange script for a not quite as strange episode.  I can see why the changes were made, but it has its own, well, psychedelic charm.