"Child's Play" script, Scene J

The final scene in the script takes us back to the auditorium, again with continuous action.

We lost Shirley saying, as the Handsome Prince, while Laverne is changing into the Red Riding Hood costume behind the wishing well, "In case the wolf gets me before I get him, I came back for one last look.  You're even more beautiful than I remember you," although there is no Sleeping Beauty on the stage at this point, other than the parts of the costume Laverne has shed.

This was also omitted, after HP solves the mystery:  

THE GIRLS START LIGHTLY PUNCHING EACH OTHER, WHICH BUILDS TO A SHORT SLAP FIGHT.  THEY DO SOME STOMACH PUNCHES.  THEY EXIT OFFSTAGE.  LAVERNE ENTERS WITH THE SHIRLEY DUMMY AND BEATS IT.  SHE TOSSES IT OFFSTAGE.  SHIRLEY RE-ENTERS.

SHIRLEY

Now, I'm upset.  That was one heck of a violent beating.

SHIRLEY DRAGS LAVERNE OFFSTAGE BY HER HAIR.  SHIRLEY REAPPEARS WITH THE LAVERNE DUMMY AND BEATS IT.  SHE TOSSES IT OFFSTAGE.  LAVERNE RE-ENTERS.

LAVERNE

You should call yourself the sissy prince.

SHIRLEY

I see your evil ways are not destroyed so easily.

And then she resorts to the "milk of human kindness."

The kiss Shirley takes is described as "passionate" in the script, and Laverne does not say, "Don't ever do that again," after her initial reaction of "not bad."  If that's not slashy enough for you, how about the original version of Laverne's "And Mother Goose Land will be the happiest land ever"?

This was 1981.  Dana Olsen and Jeff Franklin knew exactly what they were saying.

The tag, where the girls show up at Cowboy Bill's, and the thread with the random man mistaken for Mr. Merrit is resolved, was added at some point, although, remember, this is the revised shooting script, so that seems a lot to come up with this late in the game.  Here's the last page and a half of Scene J, after Merrit says the girls have a future in television:

SHIRLEY

Shirley and Laverne on television.

LAVERNE

No, Laverne and Shirley.

MERRIT

You'd be great in my new show.  It's about two girls who are roommates.

SHIRLEY

That's perfect.  We've been roommates for years.

LAVERNE

We used to be bottlecappers at Shotz Brewery in Milwaukee.

MERRIT

Love it, love it!

PEACHES ENTERS.

PEACHES

Oh Mikey, our cab's here.  We don't want to be late to the Network.  (TO GIRLS) You two were so funny!

PEACHES EXITS, LAUGHING.  THE GIRLS DO A TAKE.

LAVERNE

We don't want her on our show.

MERRIT

Meet me tomorrow at 10 o'clock, Paramount Studios.  (STARTS OUT, THEN TURNS BACK)  And don't be late!

HE EXITS.  GIRLS AD-LIB "WE WON'T BE," "WE'LL BE THERE."

LAVERNE/SHIRLEY

Our own TV show.

SHIRLEY

Let's agree right now.  On our show, no silliness.

LAVERNE

Only meaningful drama.

SHIRLEY

Drama that will make the vast wasteland of television bloom again.

LAVERNE

I got a great opening.

THEY JOIN HANDS AND SKIP OFF-STAGE DOING "SHLEMIEL, SHLEMAZZLE, HASENPEFFER, INC."

Season Six could've ended with this very fourth-wall-breaking, meta scene, but of course it didn't.  It ended with everyone wanting to strangle Squiggy.

Some other thoughts on this scene:

1. I'm sorry, where did they get the Laverne and Shirley dummies from?  Were they in the dress rehearsal of Shirley's play, or did the girls somehow take the time to transform dummies lying around backstage into their own likenesses?  I'm picturing this scene as looking a little like the "Make 'Em Laugh" number in Singin' in the Rain, only weirder.
2. This scene manages to have both Laverne questioning Shirley's masculinity and perhaps the closest to canon of Laverne genuinely enjoying Shirley kissing her.  MGL is a happy and gay land, and even on the aired episode, Laverne and Shirley are gonna make babies together.  (Spit-babies.)
3. What's going on with Peaches?  There is an attractive woman who whispers to Merrit on the aired episode, and she is credited on IMDB, but, unless her lines dropped out through syndication, it's unclear what she's doing here.  
• I mean, yes, she's presumably some starlet, but there's no physical description of her in the script, not even the standard "pretty girl," and she just shows up, laughs at the girls, and then leaves with a bad impression.  
• It might make a little sense if Merrit insisted on the casting of Peaches (maybe as their sexy Rhonda-esque neighbor) and that was a deal-breaker, but no, he still wants to meet them at, oho, Paramount Studios in the morning.
4. Are Olsen and Franklin mocking Williams and Marshall or themselves or critics of the show or what?  Cindy did want to do more drama but she embraced the silliness once she committed to the series.

This script starts out very recognizable from what aired, unlike the drastically rewritten "I Do, I Do" draft.  There are some odd glitches and typos but it seems pretty straightforward.  Yet in the end it proves that, strange as you think the California years are, they could've been even stranger.  (And of course sometimes cooler.)