"Playing Hookey," Scene C

It's back to the girls' "apartment - day."  The first three pages made it in, but then this is what came along after Frank's "bobby pins" rambling:

HE STARTS OUT.  COMES BACK FOR BOTTLE AND GLASSES.

SHIRLEY

Nice seeing you, Mr. De Fazio, and meeting whoever...

FRANK STARTS OUT AGAIN WITH BOTTLE AND GLASSES.

LAVERNE

(TAKING GLASSES FROM HIM) Pop, it's a set.

And then, a little later, after Laverne says a lot goes on there while they're at work, this was omitted:

SHIRLEY

This explains a lot of things.

LAVERNE

Like what?

SHIRLEY

Like those cigar butts I've been finding in the garbage lately.  I thought you'd taken up smoking, but I was too embarrassed to say anything.

LAVERNE

And the toilet seat up all the time when I got home.  I thought it was you.

SHIRLEY

You've known me since junior high, and wouldn't ask me about a thing like that?

LAVERNE

Well, you thought I smoked cigars.

They left out Laverne saying, after Shirley wonders what to do when the two men show up, "Put the toilet seat down and let's start the Happy Hour."

They dropped the girls "looking to window, seeing kneecaps," and then Shirley saying, "Kneecaps are cute."

The very last part of the scene didn't make it in:

LAVERNE STARTS TO SING "ZIPPETY DO DAH".

SHIRLEY

Now wait a minute.  Let's us decide who gets who.  We'll talk, we'll see what we have in common, we'll see whose personality goes with whose personality, we'll see how we get along.

LAVERNE

There's a big guy and a little guy.  I'll take the big guy.

SHIRLEY

Easier!

Thoughts:

• Does Frank canonically smoke cigars?  I mean, I know he does in the Blansky's Beauties crossover, but otherwise?
• I'm guessing the censors didn't go for the toilet seat jokes.
• And it seems like the girls have known each other a lot longer than junior high, especially if they got kicked out of the Brownies together.
• I feel like the big guy & little guy dialogue did show up in some aired episode, if not this one.

"Playing Hookey," Scene B

We get an exterior, a "playground - day."  This was dropped:

SHIRLEY

Not it.

LAVERNE

I ain't playin' hide and go seek with just the two of us.

SHIRLEY

We haven't been here since we were kids.

LAVERNE

Yeah.  They make everything smaller now.

SHIRLEY

Not smaller, we're adults now, grown up!

Shirley correcting Laverne's pronunciation of "fudgsicle" was added.  On the other hand, Melissa's mother stuck around longer and even asked Laverne, "Why don't you leave Melissa alone?"

This was omitted, after Bob walks off:

LAVERNE

All set.  (CALLS AFTER HIM)  Hi.  Where's your friend?  (TO SHIRLEY) Couldn't you keep him here for a second so I could meet him?

SHIRLEY

He walked away when you came up, Laverne.

LAVERNE

Just walked off?

The last page of the scene, and act, was dropped:

SHIRLEY

Drag your feet and stop this thing.

LAVERNE

And break my leg?

IT CONTINUES TO SPIN, AD LIB SCREAMS.  FINALLY IT STOPS.  THEY GET OFF, OBVIOUSLY DIZZY.

LAVERNE (CON'TD)

Shirl, are you all right?

SHIRLEY

I'm fine.  Go belt that rotten kid.

LAVERNE LOOKS.

LAVERNE

She went that way.  Shirl, I've had enough of your fun.  Let's go to Otto's Snake Pit and pick up some guys.

SHIRLEY

We better go home and change first.

LAVERNE

Hurry up.  Otto's happy hour starts at four o'clock.

 THEY STAGGER OFF CAMERA.  BOB AND ERNIE EXCHANGE LOOKS AND FOLLOW THEM.

Thoughts:

• I can understand most of these omissions, although they develop the scene a bit more, like showing Laverne's over-eagerness with the two guys.
• Notice the mention of Otto's Snake Pit, a bit of foreshadowing.
• And we get more of a sense of Bob and Ernie following the girls in the script than onscreen.

"Playing Hookey," Scene A

On November 8, 1976, the day before the "Bridal Shower" episode aired, the Shooting Script for "Playing Hookey" (yes, with that spelling) came in.  Let's see what the changes were by airdate on January 11th.

First off all, although my reprint has the cover sheet and cast list, I'm missing the first five pages of Scene A.  It's clearly set in the morning in the girls' living room, just like in the filmed version.  Here's what I know was dropped:

SHIRLEY

This country's based on freedom, Laverne.  Don't we have the right to have fun?

LAVERNE

(THINKS) I know we have the right to bear arms...  I'm not sure about fun.

SHIRLEY

Well, we have the right to have fun.

LAVERNE

(SMILES) Yeah.

SHIRLEY

Just to be free one day from work!

LAVERNE

Yeah.

This part was dropped after the word "favors":

SQUIGGY

That ain't enough.  I think I deserve to ask for some favors in return.  (BEAT)  Some...  (SEXY)... human type favors, the kind you read about in dirty books, if you know what I mean.

LAVERNE

I know what he means and it ain't a pretty picture.

In the script, when Shirley asks about Lenny's camera, he says, "I was outside taking a picture of Edna, Joe and Jesus," so Squiggy snaps, "I told you to save the film for the burlesque house."  Onscreen Lenny says it's more appropriate for the burlesque house than a toaster.

Also, in the script, when Lenny asks about the favor, Squiggy tells him, "It don't concern you.  It's about me.  A man has to have some private parts."

Onscreen, Shirley pretends to be her own father, but in the script, she gasps into the phone, "Hello... don't get too close to the phone. I'm very sick...."

Thoughts:

• I assume that the missing pages offer more set-up of Shirley convincing Laverne to play hooky.
• This is another Season Two script where Laverne is written a little dumb.
• And it's another script where Squiggy is "sexy," here having "private parts."
• I'm going to assume that that was Edna Babish but not Jesus Christ.  I don't know about Joe.

"Guilty Until Proven Not Innocent," Scenes H and J

It's back to the "holding cell - night":

A FEW HOURS LATER.  THE FOUR GIRLS ARE PLAYING POKER FOR CIGARETTES.  NORMAN COMES IN. LAVERNE GOES TO HIM.

LAVERNE

Norman what took ya so long?  Where were you?

NORMAN

Aw, there was a riot at Pfister Park.  A tree fell on a pack of Brownies.

LAVERNE

Awwwwww.  No.

NORMAN

Yeah.  Cookies all over my shoes.

NO REACTION FROM LAVERNE.

NORMAN (CONT'D)

Just trying to be charming.

LAVERNE

Then get me out of here.

NORMAN

I'm better at charming.  Look, why don't ya hire yourself a lawyer, plead guilty and pay the fine.

LAVERNE

I can't afford a lawyer or a fine!

NORMAN

What about a public defender?  They're free.

LAVERNE

I already talked to one.  He said I should pay the fine.

NORMAN

Well, that's American justice.  That's what makes this country great!

A bit of this was used earlier on the filmed version, with Norman suggesting a public defender as he talks to Shirley outside Laverne's cell, but there he puts Laverne's name on a list and she'll have to wait six months.

Onscreen, it looks like they added a short scene between the two parts of the boys trying to encourage Shirley.  After we see the boys try to walk off Shirley's drunkenness, Laverne is struck by the unfairness of the woman who robbed the gas station being bailed out.  Then we go back to the girls' apartment and there is some of Squiggy's pep talk, and an expansion of the "two hoots" thing, but the best of Scene C has been gutted.

So then the part of Scene H where Shirley brings "a reluctant Mr. Clark" to see Laverne did get used.  But onscreen Laverne apologizes without much hesitation but balks at admitting her "guilt."  Here's how it goes in the script:

SHIRLEY

(TO LAVERNE) Come on, do it.  One teeny tiny apology.

LAVERNE MAKES A STAB AT IT.

LAVERNE

Mr. Clark, I'm... I'm sorry that I... No, I won't do it.  He is a Snoot Face!

SHIRLEY

Laverne!

LAVERNE

Snoot face.  Snoot face.  Snoot face.

THE PRISONERS CHEER.

By the way, the thing of Shirley going to dinner with "Jerome" was added.  This was omitted after Shirley mentions the handkerchief:

THE OTHER GIRLS LOOK UP.  LAVERNE SMILES AT THEM, EMBARRASSED.

LAVERNE

(TO THE GIRLS) Big handkerchief.  Dropped it right on that sailor I beat up.

All the women calling Jerome Clark "Snoot Face" was added, as was his tearful speech before he exits.  In the script, Norman (who's not in the filmed version of this scene) says, "C'mon, you.  I'll take you out to the desk...  Snoot Face...," and then Norman laughs.

They dropped Shirley, in shock, asking, "What did I do?  How did I say those things?  You think I hurt his feelings?", and Laverne replying, "Who cares?  You got me out."

Shirley getting upset because Laverne wants to stay and finish her poker hand replaced this:

SHIRLEY

Well, there's really someone else you should thank.

LAVERNE

Who?

SHIRLEY

Squiggy.

LAVERNE REACTS.

SHIRLEY (CON'TD)

He's the one who told me I had to be strong for you.

LAVERNE

All right, I'll thank Squiggy.

SHIRLEY

And there's someone else.

LAVERNE

Lenny?

SHIRLEY

(REACHES INTO HER BAG)  No.  Boo-Boo Kitty.  She came all the way down here...

LAVERNE

I'm not thanking Boo-Boo Kitty.

THEY ARGUE.

That ends the act.  The tag is set in the "living room - night":

SHIRLEY IS ON THE COUCH, WRITING IN HER DIARY.

SHIRLEY (V.O.)

"Anyway, diary, I think it's going to be a while before Laverne gets over being in jail.  I think she's a little wall happy.  This morning, I accidentally locked her in the bathroom and she threw a bar of soap through the window..."

They left out Laverne asking, "Did you enjoy the game?" and Frank answering, "Freezing, wind, coffee in my lap."  Otherwise, the scene is intact.

Thoughts:

• Riot at Pfister Park sounds like a movie from the late '60s.
• Bo Kaprall apparently thought it'd be charming for Norman to tell dad jokes when his girlfriend is in jail.  (Onscreen, he's flattered that he's the first person she called.)
• The scripted Laverne has more pride and more stubbornness than onscreen.  (Quite a contrast to the "Death Row," Part 2 script of course.)
• On the other hand, the onscreen Shirley has no regrets, and more reason, to stand up to Mr. Clark.
• Of course Laverne thinks of thanking Lenny.
• But it's BBK who she should really thank.
• Overall, we can certainly see where the aired episode came from, but there was definitely some shifting and reshaping from this Rev. Final Draft.  It's a pity that we lost some great stuff, especially from Lenny and Squiggy, but I guess that's how the Brownies crumble.

"Guilty Until Proven Not Innocent," Scene E

Act Two opens in the "line-up room - continuous action," despite that commercial break.

Interestingly, "Norman and Shirley enter and take seats," but they don't have any lines or stage directions and they definitely aren't onscreen, even the backs of their heads.

Onscreen, the girls push Laverne along, and she asks Toni if she finds it hard dating because she's tall.  Here's the first part of the dialogue in the script:

LAVERNE

This reminds me of kindergarten.  I was in a play about nutrition.

TONI

What did you play?

LAVERNE

A squash.

TONI

You were a squash, huh?  Ha!

LAVERNE

(EMBARRASSED) Yeah.  it was a tough squash, though.  It held up a bank.

After Laverne accidentally steps forward as "Number Two," she was supposed to say, "I like to shake 'em up a little.  Keeps 'em on their toes," and she'd say it to the other "girls, trying to cover."

Laverne's remark about her long nose was added.  

After Laverne delivers the threatening line wrong, they kept only the first part of the gas station manager's line and none of Laverne's reply below:

MANAGER (V.O.)

She couldn't say it right in my gas station either.  She's the one who stole my money, six tires and Lamont ... my gas boy!

LAVERNE IS IN SHOCK.

LAVERNE

Gas boy?  what's a gas boy?  (TO GIRLS) I love gas boys, I'd never steal one.

Onscreen, the manager isn't so sure about Laverne, and it ends up being Number Four.  But here's what happens after the "gas boy" part:

THE YELLING ON THE FLOOR CONTINUES.  THE DETECTIVE TRIES TO QUIET EVERYONE.

DETECTIVE (V.O.)

(TO MANAGER) Are you absolutely certain that she's the one, sir?

MANAGER (V.O.)

Yes, I am.

DETECTVE (V.O.)

Okay, take 'em away.

MANAGER (V.O.)

Wait a minute!  I just remembered something.  She did have a scar.

LAVERNE

Scar?  Scar?  I got no scars.  Look, I'll show you.  No scars.  Anywhere.

SHE STARTS TO REMOVE HER CLOTHING.

DETECTIVE (V.O.)

Whoa, hold it.  (TO MANAGER) Where was that scar, sir?

MANAGER

On her arm, her left arm.

DETECTIVE (V.O.)

(TO LAVERNE) De Fazio, show me your arm!

LAVERNE

See, no scars.  I don't even have hair on this arm.

DETECTIVE (V.O.)
Looks clean to me, too.

Laverne asking if she can go home and then being told she's being still held on the original charge made it in, but this was all omitted:

AS LEVERNE [sic!] IS BEING LED AWAY, SHE SPEAKS TO TONI.

LAVERNE

I'm right back where I started.

DETECTIVE

Not exactly.  You'll only be here 'til midnight.

LAVERNE

Why?

DETECTIVE

That's when we move you to City Jail.  Then it's about a week until your preliminary hearing, a few months 'til trial.  You should be in prison by Christmas.

THEY START TO LEAD HER OFF.

LAVERNE

I can't, Terry Butafuco's having a party for Christmas.  I'm supposed to being [sic] the eggnog.

THEY PULL HER OUT.

Thoughts:

• The girls were in a lot of school plays.
• Not Lamont the gas boy!
• Laverne is willing to strip to prove her innocence, so maybe that explains the episode title.
• Yay, Terry B reference!
• The filmed version is smoother, but I kinda like the messiness of this draft.

"Guilty Until Proven Not Innocent," Scene D

We go to a "holding cell - Saturday afternoon":

LAVERNE IS IN A SMALL HOLDING CELL WITH THREE OTHER WOMEN.  ONE IS AN OLDER LADY, NAMED ESTELLE, ONE IS A BLACK GIRL IN HER LATE TWENTIES, NAMED TONI, AND ONE IS A MIDDLE-AGED WHITE WOMAN, NAMED SHERI.  THERE ARE TWO WOODEN BENCHES, ONE ON EACH SIDE OF THE CELL AND A SMALL WINDOW WITH BARS ON THE MIDDLE WALL.  SOME GRAFFITI IS WRITTEN ON THE WALLS.  LAVERNE IS PLAYING CARDS WITH THE OTHER WOMEN.  THEY ARE PLAYING FOR CIGARETTES.

As with Hildie in "Dead in German," they specifically wanted to cast a young Black actress for Toni.  However, neither of the two other women is middle-aged or old.  Laverne drawing an L on the wall was added.

In the script, the other women agree with Estelle about the bad prison food in Cleveland, while onscreen Toni argues about that.  This dialogue was dropped:

LAVERNE

Yeah, the worst... except for Juarez.  Don't ask.

SHERI

(TO LAVERNE) What're you in here for?

LAVERNE

Me?  Oh -- well -- I beat up a sailor.

THERE'S A BEAT.

TONI

What for?

LAVERNE

I didn't like the way he looked at me when I punched him in the gut.

And instead of Laverne explaining how she took the hankie because of the "eggy" on her teeth, there was this:

SHIRLEY

You know, you look great!

LAVERNE

Am I getting out?  Did you get my bail money?

SHIRLEY

You got roses in your cheeks.

LAVERNE

What about my bail?!

SHIRLEY

Oh, posh, your bail.

LAVERNE

Posh my bail?

SHIRLEY

I have the feeling that something good will happen soon.

LAVERNE

Yeah?

Between Shirley bringing out the milk and Pepsi and her revealing Boo-Boo Kitty, this was omitted:

SHIRLEY

Milk and Pepsi, magazines, crossword puzzles and pen, a calendar... Here...

SHIRLEY REACHES INTO BAG AND HANDS LAVERNE A CALENDAR.

LAVERNE

A calendar?!  You said I'd be home in no time!

SHIRLEY

That was a little thoughtless.  I'll take that back.  Now, I brought you one more thing.  Close your eyes.

The information that one of Laverne's cellmates "cut up her husband into little pieces and claimed it was suicide" was not in the script.

Norman's entrance doesn't actually happen until Scene H in this version, so I'll discuss that part later.

After Laverne tells Shirley about her cellmates in this scene, the script goes right into the part with the guard gathering them for the line-up.  Onscreen, Shirley has just found out from Norman that the bail is $500, so Laverne urges her to get it.

Here's how things go in print for the last page of this scene, and act:

SHIRLEY

Buck up, Laverne.  You gotta be strong.  Knock 'em dead in there.

LAVERNE

I don't want to line up.

SHIRLEY

Look at the bright side.  This will look great in the brewery paper.  The "Who's Doing What" column.

LAVERNE IS LED AWAY WITH THE OTHER PRISONERS.  SHE TURNS BACK TO SHIRLEY.

LAVERNE

Get me out of here!

LAVERNE EXITS, LEAVING SHIRLEY ALONE.

SHIRLEY

(YELLS AFTER HER) Buck up! You can still count on me.  I got a million plans to get you out.  You'll only be in here one day.

SHE PUTS BOO-BOO KITTY BACK IN THE BAG AND STARTS AFTER LAVERNE.  SHE STOPS, COMES BACK, AND WITH HER PEN, REACHES THROUGH THE BARS AND MARKS A "ONE" ON THE CELL WALL.  THEN SHE EXITS.

Thoughts:

• It seems weirdly fitting that Laverne's imagined crime was against a sailor.
• Shirley tries to follow Squiggy's advice to lie to Laverne, and it does not go well.  She turns into a parody of her usual optimism, while clearly fearing the worst, and the tonal shifts are jarring.
• The calendar joke amuses me.
• I'll discuss later whether moving this scene, and E, before C, was a good idea for filming.

"Guilty Until Proven Not Innocent," Scene C

We go back to the "girls' apartment early afternoon":

MRS. BABISH SITS ON THE COUCH.  SHE HAS A TROMBONE WITH HER.  SHIRLEY SITS NEXT TO HER.  SHIRLEY HAS COOKIE JARS AND COFFEE TINS IN FRONT OF HER.  AS THEY SPEAK, SHIRLEY IS TAKING MONEY OUT OF THESE CONTAINERS.

BABISH

(SHOCKED) Five hundred dollars bail?!  Just for stealing a hankie?

SHIRLEY

That's what Norman told me.  (LOOKS IN CAN)  I could've sworn there was a bond in there.

BABISH

(INDICATES TROMBONE) Well, I guess this won't be much help.

SHIRLEY

No, I don't think so. I don't feel much like listening to music.

BABISH

No, no.  I don't play this, I hock it.  Whenever I'm short of cash I take it down to the pawnshop.

SHIRLEY

Why do you keep buying it back?

SHIRLEY STANDS UP AND STARTS TO TURN OVER THE SOFA CUSHIONS.

BABISH

It has sentimental value.  It belonged to my second husband, Jeffrey.  He played it on our honeymoon.

SHIRLEY

(SINCERE) Oh, that sounds romantic.

BABISH

An entire week of "Hold That Tiger" is not romantic.  Listen, did you call Laverne's father?

SHIRLEY

He went to Green Bay.  I don't know where he's staying.

MRS. BABISH GETS UP AND STARTS FOR THE DOOR.

BABISH

Well, don't get discouraged.  I'll ask some of my friends for money.  I don't know if it'll do any good.  They're all just tryin' to get by on cleverness, common sense, and brains.

MRS. BABISH OPENS THE DOOR.  LENNY AND SQUIGGY ARE STANDING THERE WEARING THEIR REGULAR CLOTHES AND LONE RANGER MASKS.  LENNY IS HOLDING A COFFEE CAN.  SQUIGGY HAS A BAND-AID TIN.

SQUIGGY

Hello!

MRS. BABISH EXITS AS LENNY AND SQUIGGY ENTER AND CROSS TO SHIRLEY.

Onscreen, they first went to versions of what are Scenes D and E here, so I'll discuss those later.  Instead of Edna owning but not playing a trombone, she plays the sax as Shirley sings the blues, and the two of them are plastered.  Note that in this version the boys aren't really in costume, while they'd go full out for filming.

In the script, the boys collect "eight-five cents and seven sourballs," but onscreen it'd be the more impressive $11.34.  The boys of course don't comment in the script, as they do onscreen, about Shirley's failure as a drunk.  The aired scene ends with them trying to walk off Shirley's drunkenness, but here are the surprising last five pages of the written scene, after Shirley says she's no help to Laverne:

SQUIGGY

Look, take the eighty-five cents down to the jail and try to bargain with them.

LENNY

Yeah, good plan.

SHIRLEY

I'm not going to the jail.

LENNY AND SQUIGGY LOOK AT EACH OTHER IN SHOCK.

SHIRLEY (CONT'D)

I can't look at Laverne behind bars.  When they were dragging her away, she begged me to help.  How can I go down there and tell her I've done nothing.  I can't even find my savings bond!  I can't go down there!

SHIRLEY IS MISERABLE.  LENNY AND SQUIGGY LOOK AT EACH OTHER.  LENNY STARTS TOWARDS HER, SQUIGGY STOPS HIM.  HE TAKES OFF HIS MASK.

SQUIGGY

(TO LENNY) I'll handle this.

SQUIGGY GOES TO SHIRLEY.  HE PATS HER ON THE HEAD, MUCH TOO HARD.

SQUIGGY (CONT'D)

There, there...  there, there...

LENNY

(TO SQUIGGY) I knew where she was.

SQUIGGY

(TO SHIRLEY) Here, at times like this it's better if you suck on somethin'

SQUIGGY SHOVES A SOUR BALL IN SHIRLEY'S MOUTH.  SHE REACTS.

SQUIGGY (CONT'D)

Now you listen to me, Shirl.  'Cause I know how to talk to people who are fallin' apart.

SHIRLEY STARES AT HIM.

LENNY

Yeah, listen to old Squig.  He knows how to help people that get hysterical and make fools of themselves.

SHIRLEY STARES AT LENNY.

SQUIGGY

(TO LENNY) Remember when you broke up with Ready Betty Wazlewski?

LENNY

Yeah, I was miserable.

SQUIGGY

You were disgusting.  (TO SHIRLEY) He couldn't eat, he couldn't sleep, he couldn't spit.  Nothin'.

LENNY

Yeah, and if a man can't spit.  He's just half a man.

SQUIGGY

That was her nickname for him.  "Old Half-a-Man".  I had to guide him through those dark days.

LENNY

Yeah, he found me cheap women.

SQUIGGY

That's right.

SHIRLEY JUMPS UP.

SHIRLEY

None of this makes sense!  What do cheap women have to do with Laverne?

SQUIGGY

(FIRM) I'm making a point!  When Lenny was in trouble I was strong.  Now Laverne's in trouble.  You gotta be strong.  You can't go to pieces.  You gotta be a... a... rock.

HE AND LENNY NOD.  SHIRLEY THINKS A MOMENT.

SHIRLEY

No, I can't be a rock today.  I have to lie down first.

SHE STARTS TOWARD THE BEDROOM.  LENNY JUMPS IN FRONT OF HER TO BLOCK HER PATH.  SHE TRIES TO GO AROUND HIM, BUT HE KEEPS SHIFTING IN HER WAY.

SHIRLEY (CONT'D)

(SCREAMS) Get out of my way!

LENNY JUMPS AWAY FRIGHTENED.  SHIRLEY STARTS OUT.

SQUIGGY

No!  Your place is with Laverne.

SHIRLEY

(PLEADING) I can't...

SQUIGGY

Don't give me lip, woman!  Get her hat, Len.

LENNY GOES FOR SHIRLEY'S HAT.

SQUIGGY (CONT'D)

You gotta go down to that jail.  Laverne's countin' on you.

LENNY HANDS SHIRLEY'S HAT TO SQUIGGY.  HE PULLS IT OVER SHIRLEY'S HEAD SO THAT ONLY HER NOSE AND MOUTH SHOW.

SHIRLEY

What would I say to her?

SQUIGGY

Tell her things are going good.  Lie.  Get her coat, Len.

LENNY GOES FOR HER COAT.  HE BRINGS IT OVER AND HE AND SQUIGGY PUT IT ON SHIRLEY, BUTTON HER UP.

SHIRLEY

It's time.  I am the only one she has to lean on.  The rest of the world doesn't give two hoots what happens to her.

THE COAT IS ON.

LENNY

Probably not even one hoot.

SHIRLEY ADJUSTS HER CAP SO SHE CAN SEE.  SHE STARTS TOWARD BEDROOM.

SHIRLEY

I'm going down there!  I'm gonna get some things to bring to Laverne.  Then I'm gonna go down to that jail and be a rock.

SQUIGGY

Attaway.

SHIRLEY

(STOPS) Thank you, Squiggy.  I needed a good talking to.  I did not need a sourball, but thanks anyway.

SHIRLEY EXITS INTO THE BEDROOM.  LENNY SLAPS SQUIGGY ON THE BACK.

LENNY

You were magnificent.

SQUIGGY

Of course.

THEY START OUT.

LENNY

Boy.  I miss Ready Betty.

SQUIGGY

Don't start that again.

LENNY

(WISTFULLY) That girl could make a dead man dance.

SQUIGGY

You're fallin' apart.  Lean on me and spit...

THEY EXIT.

Thoughts:

• I love the drunken jam session onscreen, but I'm always a little sad when Babish backstory doesn't make it in.
• The deleted part of the scene with the boys is simply glorious, and I couldn't decide on just a screencap or two, so I went with none.  This is Squiggy in full-on dubious pep talk mode, including a very in character too-hard head-pat, and it actually works on a sober Shirley!  Lenny of course supports him and admires him.
• So Lenny actually dated Ready Betty and it wasn't just a physical thing?  The poor guy sounds like he's still carrying a torch.  And, yep, the "That girl could make a dead man dance" line wandered over from the deleted pool hall scene in "Good Time Girls," although here it's wistful rather than leering.
• Of course Lenny associates spitting with manhood, as he would in "A Visit to the Cemetery" a couple seasons later.
• And of course Squiggy comforted him by finding cheap women.
• We'd later learn that Squiggy sees Shirley as a female version of him, and that Lenny thinks Laverne loves Shirley like he loves Squiggy.  Here Squiggy is clearly drawing parallels between the two friendships.
• And Squiggy can give Shirley tough love, but Lenny is scared of her.
• The boys helping Shirley with her outerwear is surprisingly sweet but still funny.
• What an exit line!
• And, oh my, something to suck on!

"Guilty Until Proven Not Innocent," Scene B

New set!  "Carlisle's Department Store - Day":

IT'S SNOWING.  CARLISLE'S IS ONE OF MILWAUKEE'S MOST EXCLUSIVE STORES.

There's no indication onscreen that it's snowing, but OK.

They left out Laverne saying, "I bet it costs five bucks just to leave."  In the script, the first dress Shirley looks at is only a month's rent, not a year's worth, as it would eventually be.  Instead of Laverne fondly referring to Shirley's balloon never landing, in the script she says, "You'll get all the wrong sizes," if Shirley someday shops there without looking at the tags.

The "egg yolk" on Laverne's teeth was added, as was Shirley later calling her "my rich, college-educated friend."

This was left out:

MR. CLARK

Perhaps you'd prefer the hanger?  It's only forty-seven fifty.

LAVERNE SETS HER PURSE ON THE COUNTER.  SHE ABSENTMINDEDLY PICKS UP A LACE HANDKERCHIEF.

LAVERNE

That the cheapest hanger you got?

Laverne's line "We don't have to take this from a guy who smells like the inside of my grandmother's purse" interestingly was given to Shirley.

They skipped Shirley saying that at Woolworth's, "their dress of the week is only five bucks and the hangers are free."

The store detective is O'Brian in the script but Jenkins onscreen.

They wisely dropped Shirley saying, after she claims Laverne doesn't steal, "oh, sure there was that Popeye Pez dispenser when she was eight."

The slapstick at the end, including Laverne "breaking a lady" (mannequin), was added.

My main thought is that the basic scene is here but needed polishing, like giving Laverne motivation to use one of the handkerchiefs, rather than just absent-mindedly grab one.

"Guilty Until Proven Not Innocent," Scene A

On October 28, 1976, a couple days after "Excuse Me, May I Cut In" aired, the Rev. Final Draft of "Guilty Until Proven Not Innocent" was submitted.  GUPNI wouldn't air until January 4th, so there was definitely time to make changes, and they did.

The first scene is set in the "girls' apartment - Saturday morning."  The first couple pages are pretty faithful, but originally it was Frank, not Shirley who calls Norman "chubby."  The girls did not discuss what color dress Laverne should buy.  And there was this:

LAVERNE

...Oh, Pop.  If I need to call ya, where you stayin'?

FRANK

First place that says "Food, Gas, and Lodging".  Bye, Muffin.

THEY KISS, AND FRANK AND CARMINE EXIT.  THE GIRLS GET THEIR COATS AND PREPARE TO LEAVE.

SHIRLEY

Why would men drive all the way to Green Bay for a football game?

LAVERNE

My pop just wants to get some use out of that stupid pillow.  C'mon.  Let's go find a dress.

SHIRLEY

Boy, you're gonna have a great time next week.  Waltzing cheek to cheek with Norman...  Suddenly the music stops... he takes you by the hand and leads you to the veranda.

LAVERNE

Veranda?  At the Moose Hall?

SHIRLEY

Okay.  Okay... he drags you to the fire escape.

THEY EXIT.

Thoughts:

• I prefer that it would've been Frank being insensitive about Norman, rather than Shirley, since it feels catty onscreen.  (And of course the script was co-written by Bo Kaprall, so I guess he was OK with it either way.)
• The men's departure is more abrupt and therefore funnier onscreen, although it's sweet that the DeFazios kiss goodbye.
• Even the Policeman's Ball seems romantic to Shirley, so no wonder she is all for the debutante ball a season later.

"Dear Future Model," Scenes D, E, and F

Act Two opens in the "girls' apartment - evening."

Carmine refers to "our denoff Shirley Feeney," while she's "beautiful" and "incomparable" onscreen.  (Trust me, you might not want to Google "denoff.")  On the other hand, he calls her "Angel Face" in the script but not in the filmed episode.  Shirley crying in the "Boudoir Baby" outfit was someone's very weird addition.

Rosie saying Laverne should wear the black negligee to her (Laverne's) funeral was added, as was her later calling Laverne "Tarzan."

Carmine was supposed to "struggle to make out what's written on the card" for Shirley's "Thousand and One Nights" ensemble, "I'll meet you in my tent later."

This was dropped at the very end of the scene:

LUCILLE

(TO GUESTS) Do I hear any orders?

THE LADIES START SHOUTING OUT ORDERS FOR THE OUTFITS.

The next scene moves on to "William Henry Holmes Modeling Agency - day."  Shirley's plan for them to quit the brewery was not in the script, although I guess it's implied.

They skipped this:

SHIRLEY

How many people have thus applied thus far?

RECEPTIONIST

Not too many.

SHIRLEY

Excellent.  There'll be fewer people with hurt feelings.

They omitted this, after Shirley says they have an "in" at Lovely Lady Lingerie:

LENORE

No, I don't do underwear. (TO GIRLS) Do you do underwear?

LAVERNE

(PROUDLY) Sure.

SHIRLEY

Well, not all that often.

They changed Laverne's line, "Boy, I knew it.  Fifteen bucks, a ton of bananas, and a bald spot for Mr. Billy" to her saying she's going to write a letter to Mr. Billy.

The last page of the scene, and of Act Two, after Shirley asks why she didn't get chosen at this agency, was changed:

LAVERNE

'Cause you look bottlecapper great, not model great.  (BEAT) Did you know top bottlecappers earn a buck and a quarter an hour?

SHIRLEY SMILES

SHIRLEY

You look great too, Laverne.  We both look great.  Come on, let's go.  (SHE STARTS TO GET UP, STAGGERS)  Boy, I think I'm a little weak from all that dieting.

LAVERNE

(PULLING A DONUT OUT OF HER PURSE) Here, have a donut.

SHIRLEY

Where'd you get that?

LAVERNE

My purse.

STARTS OUT.

SHIRLEY

(FOLLOWING) You mean, while I've been starving myself on bananas, you've been sneaking donuts?

LAVERNE

This is my emergency donut.  Just so I don't faint in the street.  See it's shaped like a lifesaver.

THEY EXIT.

Onscreen, Laverne instead reminds Shirley of how attractive she's seen as at the brewery, and once Laverne's pep talk is through, Shirley drinks from the water cooler like Laverne did.

The tag is set in the "girls' apartment - later same day":

SHIRLEY IS IN HER ROBE ON THE COUCH.  SHE IS WRITING IN HER DIARY.

SHIRLEY (V.O.)

"Dear Diary.  Today Laverne and I found out that we didn't have what it takes to be models.  It was a shocking blow to our egos but I think we've kept our wits about us."

LAVERNE ENTERS FROM BEDROOM WEARING SAUNA SUIT.

LAVERNE

Hey, Shirl?

SHIRLEY TURNS AND SEES HER.

LAVERNE (CONT'D)

You think Mark Boynton would mind if I wore this thing on Halloween?

SHIRLEY

Don't you think you're a little too old for trick or treating?

LAVERNE

Yeah.  Maybe.  But I like it when they give out penny candy and apples.

LAVERNE CROSSES TO KITCHEN AND GETS AN APPLE.  SHIRLEY CONTINUES TO WRITE IN HER DIARY.

SHIRLEY (V.O.)

"Laverne has not kept her wits about her.  She has lost her wits.  And what's worse is, I wanted to wear the saunt [sic] suit on Halloween."

Onscreen, this turned into Shirley writing in her diary in bed, and then it turns out that the girls have kept the "Arabian" and "jungle" costumes, as well as the Tarzan swing.

Thoughts:

• Scene D is pretty faithful, so not much to say about that.
• Some of the omissions in Scene E are negligible, but I kind of like Laverne comforting Shirley by reminding her that they still have their identities as bottlecappers, and I definitely like Shirley returning the compliment about her looking great.
• And it figures that Laverne wants sweets, a donut from her purse now, and later Halloween candy.
• Since the sauna outfit belongs to Mrs. B onscreen, they couldn't use it for the tag, and the filmed tag has more punch anyway.
• Overall, this is a decent script that just needed some trimming and polishing.  I did give the final product a C+, but I don't know that there's anything from the script that I would've preferred.  Well, OK, more innuendo would've been fun, but I doubt the censors would've allowed some of the more risqué lines from the script.

"Dear Future Model," Scene C

We return to the "girls' apartment - evening - night":

THERE IS A DIFFERENT COLOR CARDBOARD BOX ON THE COUCH.  IT'S OPEN.  A BEAT, THEN THE FRONT DOOR OPENS, LAVERNE ENTERS WITH A BOOK ON HER HEAD, CARRYING A BAG OF LAUNDRY.  LAVERNE CROSSES DOWN, SEES THE CARBOARD [sic] BOX.

LAVERNE

(TOWARD BEDROOM) Hey, what'd we get from Boynton this week?

SHIRLEY (O.S.)

Wait'll you see.

LAVERNE

Did Mr. Billy analyze my hair yet?

SHIRLEY

No, not yet.

LAVERNE

Why not?  I sent him enough to make a rug.

That was dropped and we begin with a voiceover of Laverne asking, "What's goin' on in there?", and then we see Laverne sorting laundry.

In the script, the rubber sauna suit was sent along with "Chapter Five -- 'The Body Beautiful,' " but onscreen Shirley borrowed it from Mrs. Babish, which seems somewhat more plausible, if they're only paying $15 for this course.

After Shirley says that Laverne got to send in hair, this was omitted:

LAVERNE

(INDICATES BANDAGE) Yeah, all I got was a bald spot.

SHIRLEY

That was for Mr. Billy.  It was all in the interest of science.

LAVERNE

I still think he's a phony.

SHIRLEY

Look, there's no problem.  I'll wear this for half a day, and you can wear it for the other half.

LAVERNE

No.  I'm not gonna wear it after you.  It'll be all sweaty inside.

Instead, onscreen Laverne says she could use the suit more because she's "fatter."  So Shirley calls her a brat again.

And they left out this as Shirley is wrapping up Laverne in Saran Wrap:

LAVERNE SEES A BOWL OF BANANAS WITH A CARD STUCK IN IT ON THE TABLE.

LAVERNE

What's this?

SHIRLEY

Oh, they sent us a new diet.

LAVERNE

(READS) "The Banana Diet...  Breakfast two bananas and a glass of water -- Lunch, three bananas and a glass of water -- Dinner, four bananas, you've had enough water..."  (PUTS DOWN CARD) Why do we have to go through all this?

SHIRLEY

Because we have to be ready.  A week from now a modeling agency is supposed to welcome us with open arms.

Onscreen, Shirley only speaks of herself as applying to a modeling agency.  In the script, Laverne says, "I can't let anybody see me like this," when someone knocks, but in the aired version the girls fight over who'll answer the door.

After Laverne exits to the bedroom to get out of the Saran Wrap, there was this:

SHIRLEY

We were just exercising.

CARMINE

(POINTS TO LAVERNE) Like that?

SHIRLEY

On the road to beauty, Carmine, there are many ugly turnoffs.

CARMINE

Oh yeah, the modeling course.  That's kinda what I wanted to talk to you about.

SHIRLEY

Go ahead, Carmine.

In the script, Lucille says of Shirley's outfit, "Oh, I've got that in tan," while onscreen it's "I love the way you dress."

Between Carmine explaining how Lovely Lady Lingerie allows Lucille to get him whatever he wants and Shirley saying, "I don't want to hear this," there was a bit more dialogue:

SHIRLEY

Sounds like fun.

LUCILLE

Oh, we have a ball.

CARMINE

Alimony's nice, but it doesn't keep her busy.

In the script, Carmine earlier mentions groceries, so when he and Lucille leave, he tells her, "Come on, you're letting the ice cream melt," and then a bit later, he delivers the suggestive exit line, "Lucille, did you get Saran Wrap?"

Almost the whole last page got chopped after Shirley says it's their first modeling job/assignment:

LAVERNE

Do you think we're ready to model?

SHIRLEY

We've read the whole book, cover to cover -- even the part where he thanks Mrs. Billy.

LAVERNE

I would like Rosie to see me in some nice clothes.

SHIRLEY

And if we do well at this we'll know we're ready for a modeling agency.  C'mon let's go re-read the book.

LAVERNE

Yeah, I wanna read that Chapter 12 again.  "Your Thumbs Are Your Friends."

And so ends the scene and act.

Thoughts:

• Some of the dropped dialogue is basically filler, but I kind of like the Banana Diet.  (And we later see Laverne eating bananas in the scene, without explanation.)
• The script reminds us that Lucille is divorced.
• Lucille and Carmine with Saran Wrap, ha!
• And Laverne and her friendly thumbs.
• Also, is the "Mrs. Billy" joke there because it's a silly name or so we won't think Mr. Billy is gay?