"Guilty Until Proven Not Innocent," Scene C

We go back to the "girls' apartment early afternoon":

MRS. BABISH SITS ON THE COUCH.  SHE HAS A TROMBONE WITH HER.  SHIRLEY SITS NEXT TO HER.  SHIRLEY HAS COOKIE JARS AND COFFEE TINS IN FRONT OF HER.  AS THEY SPEAK, SHIRLEY IS TAKING MONEY OUT OF THESE CONTAINERS.

BABISH

(SHOCKED) Five hundred dollars bail?!  Just for stealing a hankie?

SHIRLEY

That's what Norman told me.  (LOOKS IN CAN)  I could've sworn there was a bond in there.

BABISH

(INDICATES TROMBONE) Well, I guess this won't be much help.

SHIRLEY

No, I don't think so. I don't feel much like listening to music.

BABISH

No, no.  I don't play this, I hock it.  Whenever I'm short of cash I take it down to the pawnshop.

SHIRLEY

Why do you keep buying it back?

SHIRLEY STANDS UP AND STARTS TO TURN OVER THE SOFA CUSHIONS.

BABISH

It has sentimental value.  It belonged to my second husband, Jeffrey.  He played it on our honeymoon.

SHIRLEY

(SINCERE) Oh, that sounds romantic.

BABISH

An entire week of "Hold That Tiger" is not romantic.  Listen, did you call Laverne's father?

SHIRLEY

He went to Green Bay.  I don't know where he's staying.

MRS. BABISH GETS UP AND STARTS FOR THE DOOR.

BABISH

Well, don't get discouraged.  I'll ask some of my friends for money.  I don't know if it'll do any good.  They're all just tryin' to get by on cleverness, common sense, and brains.

MRS. BABISH OPENS THE DOOR.  LENNY AND SQUIGGY ARE STANDING THERE WEARING THEIR REGULAR CLOTHES AND LONE RANGER MASKS.  LENNY IS HOLDING A COFFEE CAN.  SQUIGGY HAS A BAND-AID TIN.

SQUIGGY

Hello!

MRS. BABISH EXITS AS LENNY AND SQUIGGY ENTER AND CROSS TO SHIRLEY.

Onscreen, they first went to versions of what are Scenes D and E here, so I'll discuss those later.  Instead of Edna owning but not playing a trombone, she plays the sax as Shirley sings the blues, and the two of them are plastered.  Note that in this version the boys aren't really in costume, while they'd go full out for filming.

In the script, the boys collect "eight-five cents and seven sourballs," but onscreen it'd be the more impressive $11.34.  The boys of course don't comment in the script, as they do onscreen, about Shirley's failure as a drunk.  The aired scene ends with them trying to walk off Shirley's drunkenness, but here are the surprising last five pages of the written scene, after Shirley says she's no help to Laverne:

SQUIGGY

Look, take the eighty-five cents down to the jail and try to bargain with them.

LENNY

Yeah, good plan.

SHIRLEY

I'm not going to the jail.

LENNY AND SQUIGGY LOOK AT EACH OTHER IN SHOCK.

SHIRLEY (CONT'D)

I can't look at Laverne behind bars.  When they were dragging her away, she begged me to help.  How can I go down there and tell her I've done nothing.  I can't even find my savings bond!  I can't go down there!

SHIRLEY IS MISERABLE.  LENNY AND SQUIGGY LOOK AT EACH OTHER.  LENNY STARTS TOWARDS HER, SQUIGGY STOPS HIM.  HE TAKES OFF HIS MASK.

SQUIGGY

(TO LENNY) I'll handle this.

SQUIGGY GOES TO SHIRLEY.  HE PATS HER ON THE HEAD, MUCH TOO HARD.

SQUIGGY (CONT'D)

There, there...  there, there...

LENNY

(TO SQUIGGY) I knew where she was.

SQUIGGY

(TO SHIRLEY) Here, at times like this it's better if you suck on somethin'

SQUIGGY SHOVES A SOUR BALL IN SHIRLEY'S MOUTH.  SHE REACTS.

SQUIGGY (CONT'D)

Now you listen to me, Shirl.  'Cause I know how to talk to people who are fallin' apart.

SHIRLEY STARES AT HIM.

LENNY

Yeah, listen to old Squig.  He knows how to help people that get hysterical and make fools of themselves.

SHIRLEY STARES AT LENNY.

SQUIGGY

(TO LENNY) Remember when you broke up with Ready Betty Wazlewski?

LENNY

Yeah, I was miserable.

SQUIGGY

You were disgusting.  (TO SHIRLEY) He couldn't eat, he couldn't sleep, he couldn't spit.  Nothin'.

LENNY

Yeah, and if a man can't spit.  He's just half a man.

SQUIGGY

That was her nickname for him.  "Old Half-a-Man".  I had to guide him through those dark days.

LENNY

Yeah, he found me cheap women.

SQUIGGY

That's right.

SHIRLEY JUMPS UP.

SHIRLEY

None of this makes sense!  What do cheap women have to do with Laverne?

SQUIGGY

(FIRM) I'm making a point!  When Lenny was in trouble I was strong.  Now Laverne's in trouble.  You gotta be strong.  You can't go to pieces.  You gotta be a... a... rock.

HE AND LENNY NOD.  SHIRLEY THINKS A MOMENT.

SHIRLEY

No, I can't be a rock today.  I have to lie down first.

SHE STARTS TOWARD THE BEDROOM.  LENNY JUMPS IN FRONT OF HER TO BLOCK HER PATH.  SHE TRIES TO GO AROUND HIM, BUT HE KEEPS SHIFTING IN HER WAY.

SHIRLEY (CONT'D)

(SCREAMS) Get out of my way!

LENNY JUMPS AWAY FRIGHTENED.  SHIRLEY STARTS OUT.

SQUIGGY

No!  Your place is with Laverne.

SHIRLEY

(PLEADING) I can't...

SQUIGGY

Don't give me lip, woman!  Get her hat, Len.

LENNY GOES FOR SHIRLEY'S HAT.

SQUIGGY (CONT'D)

You gotta go down to that jail.  Laverne's countin' on you.

LENNY HANDS SHIRLEY'S HAT TO SQUIGGY.  HE PULLS IT OVER SHIRLEY'S HEAD SO THAT ONLY HER NOSE AND MOUTH SHOW.

SHIRLEY

What would I say to her?

SQUIGGY

Tell her things are going good.  Lie.  Get her coat, Len.

LENNY GOES FOR HER COAT.  HE BRINGS IT OVER AND HE AND SQUIGGY PUT IT ON SHIRLEY, BUTTON HER UP.

SHIRLEY

It's time.  I am the only one she has to lean on.  The rest of the world doesn't give two hoots what happens to her.

THE COAT IS ON.

LENNY

Probably not even one hoot.

SHIRLEY ADJUSTS HER CAP SO SHE CAN SEE.  SHE STARTS TOWARD BEDROOM.

SHIRLEY

I'm going down there!  I'm gonna get some things to bring to Laverne.  Then I'm gonna go down to that jail and be a rock.

SQUIGGY

Attaway.

SHIRLEY

(STOPS) Thank you, Squiggy.  I needed a good talking to.  I did not need a sourball, but thanks anyway.

SHIRLEY EXITS INTO THE BEDROOM.  LENNY SLAPS SQUIGGY ON THE BACK.

LENNY

You were magnificent.

SQUIGGY

Of course.

THEY START OUT.

LENNY

Boy.  I miss Ready Betty.

SQUIGGY

Don't start that again.

LENNY

(WISTFULLY) That girl could make a dead man dance.

SQUIGGY

You're fallin' apart.  Lean on me and spit...

THEY EXIT.

Thoughts:

• I love the drunken jam session onscreen, but I'm always a little sad when Babish backstory doesn't make it in.
• The deleted part of the scene with the boys is simply glorious, and I couldn't decide on just a screencap or two, so I went with none.  This is Squiggy in full-on dubious pep talk mode, including a very in character too-hard head-pat, and it actually works on a sober Shirley!  Lenny of course supports him and admires him.
• So Lenny actually dated Ready Betty and it wasn't just a physical thing?  The poor guy sounds like he's still carrying a torch.  And, yep, the "That girl could make a dead man dance" line wandered over from the deleted pool hall scene in "Good Time Girls," although here it's wistful rather than leering.
• Of course Lenny associates spitting with manhood, as he would in "A Visit to the Cemetery" a couple seasons later.
• And of course Squiggy comforted him by finding cheap women.
• We'd later learn that Squiggy sees Shirley as a female version of him, and that Lenny thinks Laverne loves Shirley like he loves Squiggy.  Here Squiggy is clearly drawing parallels between the two friendships.
• And Squiggy can give Shirley tough love, but Lenny is scared of her.
• The boys helping Shirley with her outerwear is surprisingly sweet but still funny.
• What an exit line!
• And, oh my, something to suck on!