"How's Your Sister?", Scene D

This scene is set "party - several nights later."  Since the party is supposed to be on a Saturday, but less than a week later (since Rhonda didn't say "next Saturday" or similar), then I'll assume that Scenes B and C were set on a Sunday, Monday, or Tuesday, with Scene A the day before.

IT IS THE HUGE LIVING ROOM OF A PALATIAL HOME.  MANY ATTRACTIVE WOMEN AND NOT TOO MANY MEN ARE MILLING ABOUT.  RHONDA IS TALKING WITH A GOOD-LOOKNG MAN.  A FEW COUPLES ARE DANCING TO THE PIANO MUSIC.  CARMINE AND SQUENDELYN ENTER.  CARMINE IS WEARING A DERBY PULLED LOW OVER HIS FACE.

They added Squendelyn exclaiming over the party and pulling Carmine in.  Also the "little Squendy Wendy" is probably a Landerian addition.  In the script, Squen calls Carmine a "teddy bear," while onscreen it's "bad widdle rabbit."

They deleted Squendelyn "passing Squiggy on the way," as she goes to hang up Carmine's hat, and Squig telling his sister, "My goodness.  You're a woman.  You've grown up behind my eyes.

Terri and Tanya are described in the script as "two good lookers."

In the script, Squen calls Carmine "my impetuous little party boy," while onscreen it's "my impetuous little Brillo-head," a rare time when she's bitchier in the final version.  Then they left out this stage direction:

SHE DOES SHIRLEY WALK.  WHEN SHE ARRIVES AT CARMINE, SHE WALKS HER FINGERS OVER HIS CHEST AND FACE.

Onscreen, she touches him but it's milder.

Judy is described as merely "a cute girl."  Squen's reply to Rhonda and Judy dating the same swami was originally "Must have been crowded," which was improved to "Who slept on the nails?"  Onscreen, after Judy leaves, Squen insecurely says, "I could look like that if I had my teeth cleaned professionally," while this is how it went in the script:

SQUENDELYN

Well, honestly, those shoes with that dress -- the girl's a dog.

CARMINE

Maybe I should take her for a walk.

SQUENDELYN

Oh, Carmine, you're such a clown.  That reminds me.  I'm gonna go powder my nose.

Onscreen Squen says she left her retainer at the sink, so she goes to get it.  In the script, "She kisses him on cheek and puts Carmine's finger on his cheek," telling him, "Save my place."  Onscreen she doesn't kiss him but puts her own finger to Carmine's cheek and says "X marks the spot."

Patti is described as "a beautiful girl."

Carmine does not speak to God in the script.  Instead there was this after the waiter goes to meet Tanya and Terri in the kitchen:

CARMINE STANDS, HOLDING THE TRAY OF DRINKS.  AMELIA, A CUTE SOUTHERN BELLE, TAKES ONE OF THE FOUR DRINKS ON THE TRAY.

AMELIA

You're much too cute to be a waiter.

CARMINE

Oh, I'm just holding this for a friend.  I'm really a guest.

AMELIA

What delightful news.  Are you alone?

CARMINE

(MOANS) Yes.  No.  Yes.  No.

AMELIA

I love indecisive men.

CARMINE

Please, I don't have any more cold water.

CARMINE SPOTS SQUIGGY ENTERING WITH TWO BEAUTIFUL WOMEN.

CARMINE (CONT'D)

Excuse me.  I've got to talk to somebody.

Onscreen Squiggy's lines to the two women he's already onstage with and his greeting to Carmine sound like Landerian adlibs.

Sheila, the final temptress, is not described, even as cute.  Onscreen Squen doing the Shirley Walk ended up in the spot where she's trying to get Carmine's attention while he's dancing with Sheila.  In the script, she says, "Carmine, you rogue.  What are you up to?  Trying to make me jealous?"

They left out this, after Squen says they're crazy in love:

CARMINE

Don't talk, just dance.

SHEILA LEAVES.  WE HEAR THE PIANO START TO PLAY THE THEME TO "ROMEO AND JULIET."  AS CARMINE AND SQUENDELYN DANCE, WE PULL BACK TO SEE THE WAITER DANCING WITH TANYA AND TERRI.

Some thoughts:

• I sort of wish Squiggy's comment on Squen growing up was in there, although it doesn't make any sense, considering he's seen her very recently.  On the other hand, Lander obviously added his own material, so it's fine.
• They definitely toned down Squen touching Carmine.  I wonder if Mekka objected.  (I feel like Lander would've gone for it, because he's submerged into this "sister" character like he's auditioning for Tootsie.)
• Squen comes across as more insecure, especially about her looks, onscreen than in the script.
• I can see why they omitted Amelia, since they didn't need yet another woman throwing herself at Carmine in this scene.  Incidentally, all the parts were cast by the time of this Shooting Script, and the unlucky actress losing her chance to play the Southern belle was Bobbie Eakes, Miss Georgia of 1982.  She'd go on to The Bold and the Beautiful among other shows, but her onscreen acting debut was a Matlock episode in 1986.  I'm sure she has few if any regrets about missing this series' Season Eight.

"How's Your Sister?", Scene C

The first scene of Act Two is set in Laverne's bedroom, "later that night":

THE ROOM IS DARK.  THERE IS A CLOTHESLINE STRUNG ACROSS THE ROOM, HANGING FROM WHICH ARE ARE SEVERAL SLIPS, BRASSIERES, AND PAIRS OF STOCKINGS.  SQUENDELYN IS ASLEEP ON THE BED SNORING, LYING DIAGONALLY ACROSS IT.  SHE WEARS A PINK SLEEPING MASK.  LAVERNE ENTERS, AND NOT SEEING THE CLOTHESLINE IN THE DARK, WALKS INTO IT AND BECOMES ENTANGLED IN IT.  SQUENDELYN WAKES UP.

SQUENDELYN

Help!  I can't see.  Take anything you want in the room, but let my body be.

LAVERNE BEGINS TO UNTANGLE THE CLOTHESLINE.

LAVERNE

It's me, Squen.  You should be careful where you put your stuff.  Those underwire bras can be dangerous weapons.

SHE TURNS ON THE LIGHT.  SQUENDELYN REMOVES HER MASK.

SQUENDELYN

Laverne, oh, I'm so glad it's you.  My, you're looking well these days.  What have you done with your hair?

LAVERNE

I've kept it awake for twenty-four hours.  Now I'm gonna give it a rest.  I wanna get ready for bed.  Why don't you pick your stuff up off the floor?

LAVERNE CROSSES INTO THE BATHROOM AND CLOSES THE DOOR. SQUENDELYN STARTS PICKING UP HER UNDERGARMENTS.

SQUENDELYN

Where should I put this?

LAVERNE (O.S.)

Anywhere.  Make yourself comfortable.

SQUENDELYN

You're very considerate.

SQUENDELYN LOOKS AROUND, THEN CROSSES TO LAVERNE'S DRESSER, OPENS A DRAWER, TAKES ALL OF LAVERNE'S THINGS OUT AND DUMPS THEM ON THE FLOOR.  SHE THEN PUTS HER STUFF NEATLY IN THE DRAWER AND CLOSES IT.  LAVERNE REENTERS, DRESSED IN PAJAMAS.

LAVERNE

Did you find a place to...  (NOTICES STUFF ON FLOOR)  You found a place.  We'll clean it up in the morning.  I'm going to bed.

LAVERNE TURNS OFF THE LIGHTS AND GETS INTO BED.  SQUENDELYN GETS INTO BED.  AS LAVERNE TRIES TO GET COMFORTABLE, SQUENDELYN MOVES CLOSER AND CLOSER TO HER, UNTL SHE [Squendelyn] IS BREATHING ON HER [Laverne's] FACE.

LAVERNE (CONT'D)

Squendelyn, you're startin' to fog up my face.

SQUENDELYN

I need to talk.  Woman to woman.

LAVERNE

There' a mirror in the bathroom.  Knock yourself out.

SQUENDELYN

But Laverne, this is just like the pajama parties I was never invited to.  They were always afraid my brother would show up.

All of this got chopped, and when the filmed scene opens, the girls are in Laverne's bed and Laverne is asleep, until Squen nudges her out of bed.

The next few lines made it in, but instead of Squen saying that she thinks Carmine has a crush on her, there was this:

SQUENDELYN

Oh, yes.  I think he's quite smitten with me.  In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if someday I became Squendelyn Ragusa.  Mrs. Big Squagoo.

LAVERNE WAKES UP AND TURNS ON THE LIGHT.

LAVERNE

All of a sudden I'm not so sleepy.  Carmine proposed?

SQUENDELYN

No, but with your help, it won't be long....

After Laverne admits to reading Shirley's diary, Squen originally said, "It would be a tragedy for a beautiful girl like me to get dumped twice in the same month."

In the script, "Squendelyn strikes a repulsive pose," while onscreen this became the kissy-face that she apparently taught her brother.

The stage direction calls what I call the Shirley Shimmy "the 'Shirley Seduction Walk.' "  In the script, Squen says, "Ooooh, this is nice.  Let me try it," and imitates Laverne imitating Shirley, including 
"starting to run her fingers up Laverne," until "Laverne grabs her hand and stops her," while onscreen Squen is more skeptical.

This is what was left out of the last part of the scene, after Squen asks if she can leave the light on and Laverne replies with a snore:

SQUENDELYN REACHES FOR A DIARY AND STARTS TO WRITE.

SQUENDELYN (V.O.)

"Dear Diary.  Today I met the most wonderful man... Please change all previous Arnie's to Carmine's."

My thoughts:

• Squen is again worse in the script than onscreen, here very much inconveniencing Laverne.  Perhaps Lander wanted to tone this down, to make the two siblings more different.  Of course, this has the effect of making Carmine's behavior come across worse, if he's mistreating someone relatively sweeter.
• The "let my body be" line isn't the most tasteless rape joke on the series, or even in Season Eight, but I'm glad it was dropped.  (Well, it could've been worse, if they'd joked that Squen wanted to be raped.)
• Laverne saying her hair has been awake for 24 hours might be an easy!Laverne line, if she weren't so busy at the aerospace company.
• It's implied that Squen just made herself at home while Laverne was at work, and they haven't seen each other since perhaps Laverne moved to California.
• I do like the "pajama parties" line.
• In the script, Squen seems more convinced of the seriousness of her "relationship" with Carmine, which is sadder and more delusional.
• There's more of a lesbian or bi-curious feel to Squen's reaction to and version of Shirley's "seduction technique" in the script than onscreen.
• The closing line is also sad and delusional, while simultaneously funny, although Squen didn't exactly just meet Carmine that day.  And I like the idea that she keeps a diary, just like Shirley did, as if she is some sort of Bizarro World version of Laverne's old roommate.

"How's Your Sister?", Scene B

We now go to Laverne's apartment, the next afternoon.  The first three pages are pretty faithful, but Squiggy in the script calls Carmine "Carm," and Squendelyn was supposed to be wearing "a lovely mint green brocade pantsuit," which now I really want to see.

They omitted Squendelyn telling Carmine, "Ya know, you'd almost be perfect if you got your hair processed. Think about it."  For some reason, they changed Squiggy saying, "Well, you two seem to be hitting it off like two pies in a pan" to him calling them lovebirds and comparing them to two bats in a belfry.

In the script, Squen calls her brother "Andy," while it's "Andrew" onscreen.  His exit line "Two's company, three's a musketeer," became the more suggestive "Two's company, three's a felony."

In the script, Squen only pats Carmine's cheek, while onscreen she backs him up against the stove.  In the filmed episode, after Rhonda remarks that Squen looks like Squiggy, she says, "I'm not surprised.  We had the same father."  Here's how it went in the script:

SQUENDELYN

Lucky for us there was enough good looks in the family to go around.

RHONDA

How many children were there?

SQUENDELYN

Two that Mom brought home.  Four that came with the car.

CARMINE

It's a great story, Rhonda.

After Rhonda says that this isn't acting, this is the real Rhonda, Squendelyn was scripted to say, "You should spend more time in class."  And they left out Squen calling Carmine "Carmy."

All of Carmine's insults of Squendelyn are there in this late version of the script, but I'm glad they toned down some of her bitchiness towards him and Rhonda.  On the other hand, I wish we could've heard Lander deliver the "car" line about the Squiggman family.

"How's Your Sister?", Scene A

This is the Shooting Script from December 13, 1982, so there won't be any major changes, but there are some surprising lines and edits.  We begin at Cowboy Bill's, in the "late afternoon":

THERE IS A CUSTOMER AT A TABLE.  THERE ARE PLACEMATS ON THE TABLE.  FRANK COMES OVER.

FRANK

No really, those aren't gravy stains.  It's a Cowboy Bill's puzzle.  Connect the dots.  Here's a pencil.

FRANK LEAVES THE TABLE AND HEADS TO THE REGISTER AS CARMINE ENTERS.

That was cut out and the scene begins with Frank greeting Carmine as "Ben Casey."  After Carmine's explanation that he's dressed like a doctor to deliver a singing telegram, there was more:

CARMINE

...Only it wasn't a telegram, it's what we call an "Obit-Gram."  Listen:  (SINGS TO THE TUNE OF "ANYTHING GOES")

"I'M SORRY THAT YOUR UNCLE BIT IT,

BUT NOBODY THINKS YOU DID IT.

AND HEAVEN KNOWS -- EVERYONE GOES."

FRANK

Carmine, don't you ever get tired of being a jerk?

CARMINE

Hey, Potsie Webber [sic] was a jerk -- I'm a working man.

FRANK

A working man dressed like a jerk.

Then Carmine starts talking about quitting this job if he could get a couple hundred bucks, and Frank has the line about giving the cook a "second opinion" on going home early.

Squiggy was supposed to be "nattily dressed" when he enters.  He did not, as onscreen Squiggy does, sing a bit of "The World Owes Me a Living," which I feel like came up in another script.  He also didn't comment to "Doris" about her daughter.

We lost Squiggy's line, "What's wrong?  Don't answer -- I see you're wearing green.  Did a close frog die?"  On the other hand, Squiggy doesn't in the script originally offer $2000 rather than $200, as he does onscreen.  And this exchange was dropped:

CARMINE

Where would you get two hundred dollars?

SQUIGGY

Simple.  My moth came in.

CARMINE

What're you -- staging illegal moth fights again?

SQUIGGY

I sold my moth collection.  Seems I've been sitting on a rare Mothra Japithanus all these years.

THE PHONE RINGS AND FRANK ENTERS FROM THE KITCHEN TO ANSWER IT.

CARMINE

Alright, alright, I don't care about your bugs....

The next couple pages made it in, but in the script it was Squiggy rather than Squendelyn who once stayed in an animal shelter.  "Mary" is referred to by name in a stage direction by the way.  I wish they'd kept Squiggy saying, "Laverne, let's talk Turkish," although I feel like that might've popped up onscreen in another episode.  And then this part was left out:

LAVERNE

They've [that is, the aerospace plant] been forcing us to work double shifts ever since our first-stage test rocket landed in the cafeteria.

SQUIGGY

What do you think they got busboys for, Laverne....

Squiggy's explanation of the reason for Squen's visit got moved in a modified form to the next scene, but in this version he tells Laverne, "Listen to my tale of woe.  Squen's intended, Arnie, left her for the shortstop on a women's softball team.  He said he liked the way she stayed down on those one hoppers."

Squiggy begs much more onscreen than in the script, where he just tells Laverne, "You owe, you owe, you owe," and she gives in.  His final line was cut:  "And don't you cheapen the memory of Mr. Scrubby.  He was destined for greatness.  Who knew one flush would send his career down the toilet?"

Observations:

• These scripts are really determined to convince us that the food and service at Cowboy Bill's are terrible.  
• Not that the telegram songs Carmine performs on the filmed episodes are anything great, but it's times like this I feel sorry for Eddie Mekka.  (And there are a lot of "poor Eddie" moments ahead of course.)
• But not as sorry as I feel for Anson Williams.  And, yeah, Potsie was a jerk at times, but what would Carmine specifically have against him?
• I feel like the "close frog" line would be hard for even Lander to sell.
• On the other hand, I can picture him ranting at screenwriter Roger Garrett, "Squiggy would never sell his moth collection!"  (Garrett wrote "Life Is the Tar Pits" and "Helmut Weekend" as well, so he usually has a better grasp of Squiggy's character.)
• "Mothra Japithanus" works on the following levels:
• Mothra as Godzilla's opponent
• A possible ethnic slur (as in "Jap")
• A really smutty joke about Squiggy sitting on his Japithanus 
• I like it better that it was Squiggy in the animal shelter, since there are enough jokes about how ugly Squen is already.
• The thing about the rocket landing in the cafeteria, and Squiggy's reply isn't funny, but it's better than some of the lines that were kept in later scenes.
• I like Squiggy explaining Squendelyn's situation to Laverne, although I'd always assumed that Arnie was her husband (he calls Arnie his sister's "old man" when telling Carmine) rather than her intended.
• I had to look up "one hopper" as a baseball term, and I'm still not sure if there's a suggestive meaning that I'm missing.  Something about going down maybe?
• That closing line is not much loss.

"The Gymnast Show," Scene J

The last scene of this script is also set in Edgar's training room, half an hour later:

LAVERNE AND EDGAR ARE SITTING IN THE TRAINING ROOM.

LAVERNE

I'm sorry... I thought... well, know how after all that stuff about Louise, and Arthur gone with the hounds.

EDGAR

He walks them every night, promptly at eight.

LAVERNE

I guess I watch too much T.V.

This was left out, although they kept in Edgar's line, "Don't blame yourself.  I was a fool, a fool," as well as his explanation about Louise.  Then this was omitted:

LAVERNE

I should have known you would never kill anybody... but when Rhonda told me that story.

EDGAR

Well, at the time I was hurt, angry.  I blamed her for my leg.  I hope I haven't hurt you, Laverne.

The next half page was mostly kept, through Laverne's line about being tired of shaving the back of her neck.  But the last page was mostly left out:

EDGAR

I really like you, Laverne.  I hope I haven't ruined our friendship.  I realize now that I can't live in the past, but I would like you to be a part of my present.

LAVERNE

What are you talking about?  We came here to train for the circus, didn't we?

EDGAR SMILES.  LAVERNE TURNS AND HEADS FOR THE TRAPEZE.  AS SHE CROSSES, SHE HEARS EDGAR.

EDGAR

(CALLING OFF STAGE) Arthur, call Crossleys, I want 15 dozen roses delivered.... make that carnations.  (A BEAT)  They're cheaper you know...

ON LAVERNE'S SMILE, WE 

FADE OUT.

The filmed episode adds an unnecessary tag, where, after the "success" of Rhonda matching Edgar and Laverne, she fixes up Frank with the Bearded Lady.

As for this scene, a few notes:

• The payoff with Arthur and the hounds isn't much, but there it is.
• Laverne brings Rhonda's story back into it.
• Some of Edgar's observations about living in the past were given to Laverne earlier in the filmed version.
• This is very clearly a platonic relationship, despite the dozens of bouquets.

I would say the script is slightly better than what aired, maybe a C+ rather than a C, but it does have that basic problem that so much of Season Eight has: Laverne is now an idiot, especially when it comes to men.

"The Gymnast Show," Scene H

We go to "Edgar's Training Room - Short Time Later":

THE ROOM IS DARK.  WE SEE LAVERNE CARRYING HER SUITCASE, TIPTOEING ACROSS THE ROOM, TRYING TO ESCAPE.  SHE IS HALFWAY ACROSS WHEN THE ROOM IS FLOODED WITH LIGHT.  EDGAR, WEARING HIS CIRCUS OUTFIT (THE ONE FROM THE POSTER, AND HOLDING A GIRL'S COSTUME, THE ONE LOUISE WORE IN THE POSTER), IS STANDING IN THE DOORWAY.  THE ROOM IS FILLED WITH GYM EQUIPMENT: BARBELLS, MEDICINE BALLS, RINGS, AND A TRAPEZE.  LAVERNE SEES HIM AND FREEZES.

EDGAR

I knew you wouldn't be able to wait till tomorrow.  (HE TOSSS THE "LOUISE" COSTUME TO LAVERNE) I want you to wear this...

LAVERNE

(RECOGNIZING COSTUME) Wear it yourself.  I know what you're up to.

SHE SEES HIM MOVE TOWARDS HER AND SHE DROPS HER STUFF AND PICKS UP A MEDICINE BALL.

EDGAR

You don't understand...

LAVERNE

I understand plenty.

LAVERNE FIRES THE MEDICINE BALL AT EDGAR.  HE CATCHES IT AS LAVERNE RUNS AWAY.  HE CHASES HER.  LAVERNE NEARS THE RINGS.  EDGAR IS ON HER TAIL.

EDGAR

Please, I don't want to run.

LAVERNE GRABS HOLD OF THE RINGS.

LAVERNE

Okay then, sit.

LAVERNE SWINGS FORWARD ON THE RINGS AND KNOCKS EDGAR TO THE FLOOR.  SHE RUNS FROM THE RINGS AS EDGAR RISES AND CHASES HER.  LAVERNE NEARS A SET OF DUMBBELLS.

EDGAR

Please.  I can explain.

LAVERNE

Sure, I bet that's what you'll tell the cops when they fish me out of the river.

LAVERNE STARTS TO ROLL THE DUMBBELLS AT EDGAR.

EDGAR

I would never do such a thing.

LAVERNE

You're right.  You'd probably make it so they'd never find my body.

LAVERNE DASHES FOR A LOWERED TRAPEZE BAR AND GRABS HOLD.

EDGAR

I thought we were friends.

LAVERNE

Is that what you said to Arthur before you buried him with the hounds?

LAVERNE SWINGS ON THE TRAPEZE ACROSS THE ROOM AND HITS EDGAR, KNOCKING HIM INTO A WALL WHICH KNOCKS HIM OUT.  SHE GOES TO EXIT, BUT BEFORE SHE GETS TO THE DOOR, ARTHUR ENTERS.  LAVERNE REACTS.

LAVERNE (CONT'D)

Arthur?!

This scene changed a lot by the time of filming, although the general thing of Laverne doing stunts to avoid Edgar and him protesting he won't harm her was kept, as was Arthur's surprise entrance.  Interestingly, Laverne brings up looking like Louise in the episode, but it's not in this version of the script.  She is fleeing with her luggage (including the checked suitcase she'll soon take to a convent), and I can only assume they wanted to get Penny into a circus costume and show off her legs.

"The Gymnast Show," Scene E

This scene has the same setting, a "short time later."  Laverne discovering the book about poisonous mushrooms was added.

Her reply to Edgar's remark that he hopes he's not disturbing her was originally, "Nah.  I was just practicing sleeping in doorways in case of earthquakes," rather than the one about her fondness for insulation.

Edgar calling Laverne "darling" was added, as was him serving her chicken with mushrooms, while in the script it's a steak.  Laverne onscreen claims to be a vegetarian.  In the script, she puts not just the salad but the steak down her blouse.  The line about being scared of bugs, and "this was a big hairy sucker," which made it into the episode, seems like a malformed Hello Moment.

They left out Edgar saying of the drink he's prepared that "Your body will never ache again," as well as Laverne, after pretending to drink it, saying not just that it's a little flat, "but nothing that a shot of Pepsi can't fix."

They omitted this after Laverne catches Edgar saying he found her again:

EDGAR

Did I?  What I mean is I've dreamed of this moment.  Do you know what I want to do with you?

LAVERNE

I hope not.

EDGAR

I want to make you fly.  Fly like an angel.

LAVERNE

(FAKING YAWN) Angel, huh?  Well, if I'm gonna fly, I better get a good night's sleep.  Think I'll turn in.

The thing with Laverne wanting to change her clothes "after eating," and Edgar bringing her a circus costume, replaced this:

EDGAR KISSES LAVERNE ON THE FOREHEAD AND STARTS TO EXIT.

EDGAR

Sleep, my Louise.  Till tomorrow.

HE EXITS.  LAVERNE PULLS THE FOOD FROM HER BLOUSE AND STUFFS IT UNDER THE BED.  SHE PULLS HER THINGS TOGETHER AND CROSSES TO THE DOOR.  IT IS LOCKED.  SHE LISTENS FOR A BEAT AND THEN TAKES A PIECE OF PAPER AND SLIPS IT UNDER THE DOOR.  SHE TAKES A PIN FROM HER HAIR AND STICKS IT THROUGH THE KEYHOLE, KNOCKS THE KEY ON THE PAPER AND PULLS THE PAPER BACK UNDER THE DOOR.  SHE TAKES THE KEY, OPENS THE DOOR, AND TIPTOES OUT.

A few thoughts:

• Laverne's love of Pepsi, with or without milk, at least makes it into the final season.
• Despite the late hour, onscreen Edgar is apparently going to teach Laverne the Triple, while in the script it will be delayed until tomorrow.
• Edgar is sort of paternal, with all that forehead-kissing.  This is definitely not a Jeff-Goldblum situation.
• Laverne is actually more resourceful, albeit in a not very original way, in the script that onscreen.

"The Gymnast Show," Scene D

Act Two opens in "a bedroom in Edgar's Chalet - late that night."  The first page of Scene D got in, but this part was left out after Laverne hears "the slow shuffling feet" of Arthur the houseman:

LAVERNE

I hope you don't pay Arthur by the hour.

EDGAR

He's been with me for years.  He's like a faithful old hound.

LAVERNE

Sounds like you're getting ready to put him to sleep.

EDGAR LAUGHS.

After Edgar asks what Laverne thinks of what the script describes as "a beautiful frilly Gothic room" that's "filled with roses," and she calls it beautiful, this came next:

LAVERNE

Whose was it?

EDGAR

That doesn't matter.  Now it is yours.  This room has been empty for a long time.

LAVERNE

Would you look at all the flowers.

EDGAR

Roses, my sweet.  Your favorite.

LAVERNE

Thanks.  But remember I said I liked carnations way more than roses.  And they're cheaper, too.  The way you like to send flowers, you should think about it.

EDGAR

So thoughtful.  Now I want you to rest.  Tomorrow will be a big day.  Make yourself at home and if you need anything, just ask Arthur.

HE KISSES HER FOREHEAD.

EDGAR (CONT'D)

Good night, sweet Louise.

LAVERNE

Laverne.  Look, I don't mind wearing my hair the way you like.  I'll even go along with the roses.  But my name, I'm kind of attached to it.

EDGAR

Forgive me?

LAVERNE

Sure.  Maybe we could compromise.  You like Louise.  I like Laverne.  Let's just call me "Lola".

HE CHUCKLES, SMILES AND TOUCHES HER CHEEK.

EDGAR

Good night, my sweet, beautiful Lola.

EDGAR EXITS.

Onscreen, there are some music boxes that play "Louise."  He does call her by that name but she says she only answers to Laverne or "beautiful."

The first part after Arthur's entrance with the towels was kept, but they changed the part between that and Laverne discovering the circus poster.  Here's the version in the script, after Laverne says at least Arthur remembers her name:

ARTHUR

But you must excuse Mr. Van Dyke.  He is very attached to his past.

LAVERNE

Yeah, well, I'm not really like that cause my past mostly stinks.

LAVERNE BEGINS GOING THROUGH A CABINET.

Onscreen, Laverne gently teases Arthur, who admires her underwear (!), which she puts in a dresser.  She finds the poster there, rather than in a cabinet, which makes a little more sense.  The dialogue is close in both versions, except Laverne says in the script, in reference to the girl's face being covered in the poster, "Not a good picture, huh?  I did the same thing to my year book picture."  Also, the girl would not only have Laverne's face and new hairstyle, but she'd be wearing a scarf.

This part was omitted after Edgar's sudden return:

LAVERNE HURRIEDLY TRIES TO PUT THE TAPE BACK ON THE PICTURE.

LAVERNE

Uhhh...  this fell off...

EDGAR SILENTLY CROSSES AND TAKES THE POSTER FROM LAVERNE.

ARTHUR

Excuse me, sir.  I should have locked the cabinet.

They left out Laverne saying to herself as she dials the phone, "When he saw me his mind musta snapped...  I gotta get out of here...  (LAVERNE DIALS PHONE)  C'mon, Rhonda...  Be home...  Hello, Rhonda..."  And then the line goes dead.  A bit later she tells Edgar, "Aw, shucks, I was gonna try Pizza Man."  She asks where Arthur is, and Edgar tells her, "Gone, with the hounds.  I've got big plans for you, Louise.  Now, why don't you get some rest."

Some thoughts:

• The thing about Arthur being associated with "the hounds" will sort of pay off later.
• Also, the thing about the roses is a bigger deal in the script and the poster even has roses on it.
• While every relationship requires compromise, I don't think being called "Lola" qualifies.  Laverne has relatively more self-respect in the filmed version.
• I can't decide if the line about Laverne's past stinking is an "easy!Laverne" line or more to do with the disappointments and even tragedies she's had to deal with.  (That, through one of the quirks of scheduling, this episode would air right before "The Monastery Show" is darkly ironic.)
• Even her yearbook picture stinks.
• Nothing against Rhonda, but why would that be the first person Laverne would try to call?  OK, maybe not her father, considering he disapproves of Edgar and she'd hate to hear an "I told you so" about Edgar apparently turning out to be a murderer.  But what about Carmine or the boys, or I don't know, the police?
• The "Pizza Man" line is both pathetic and ironic, since her father was once a pizza man.

"The Gymnast Show," Scene C

We finally leave Cowboy Bill's for Laverne's apartment, in the evening:

LAVERNE IS PACKING HER SUITCASE WHICH IS ON THE COUCH.  HER HAIR IS STILL IN THE STYLE EDGAR LIKES.  SHE IS ALSO WEARING A FLOWING SCARF.

The filmed version has Laverne bring down a suitcase and some kind of overnight bag and have an argument on the phone with Frank where we can't hear his side.

LAVERNE

What do you wear on a trapeze?  (HOLDS UP SEXY NEGLIGEE)  Well, this looks good anywhere.  (PUTS IT IN SUITCASE)

RHONDA ENTERS FROM THE BACK.  [I assume they mean the kitchen.]  SHE IS CARRYING A SINGLE ROSE THAT IS WRAPPED FROM A FLORIST.  THERE IS A CARD WITH IT.

RHONDA

Hi ho, Little Rosebud.  (SHOWING FLOWER) I guess the delivery boy is so used to bringing Rhonda flowers, he made a mistake.  This is for you.  (SHE HANDS LAVERNE HER FLOWER)  Isn't it darling?

LAVERNE

(TAKES FLOWER AND OPENS CARD AND READS) "For my favorite flower.  Love, Edgar."  He's so sweet, but a little forgetful.  I told him my favorite flowers are carnations.

RHONDA

It is the thought.

LAVERNE

You're right.  (REFERRING TO SCARF) Look at this.  Edgar gave me this, too.  Do you think it's "me"?

RHONDA

I think it's expensive.  You've got quite a catch there.

LAVERNE

I know.  But I wish I knew more about him.  It's strange that he never mentions his past.

RHONDA

Do you blame him?  I'm sure he's trying to forget about his accident and his leg. 

LAVERNE

What accident?

In the filmed version, Rhonda loans Laverne a sexy negligee and she doesn't hand over the flower until after she talks about how this is such a Rhonda-like romance to happen to Laverne.  Laverne packs the flower without taking it out of the box.  And she's not wearing a scarf, so there's no dialogue about it.  Also, they skip from Laverne wishing Edgar had a better memory to Rhonda mentioning her friend Ted, who introduced her to Edgar, which doesn't come up quite yet in the script.  Laverne knows that Edgar must've had an accident and hurt his leg, presumably because of his cane.

The story about Edgar's accident is basically the same in the script and on the aired episode, but when Rhonda hesitates to tell Laverne, onscreen Laverne says she's seen Rhonda's driver's license and knows her age, while in the script she says, "If Rhonda doesn't tell, she won't be able to tell anything else for a long time," which is a more violent threat.  The thing about Ted telling lies, including about his marital status, was added.

This scene ends Act One.  Some thoughts:

• I can see that they wanted to keep Frank's disapproval going in the filmed version, but a phone call that's one-sided in more ways than one isn't the best technique.
• The negligee part I guess pulls back a little on the Easy!Laverne trope in the filmed version, since it's not her own negligee, although that doesn't stop her from packing it.
• I don't have an encyclopedic knowledge of LAS (yet), but it seems kind of random to suddenly discover in Season Eight that Laverne's favorite flowers are carnations.
• One of the basic problems with this episode is right here in the script: why, after Rhonda tells her that Edgar might be a murderer, does Laverne still go to his isolated home?  The smart cookie of the Milwaukee years wouldn't have.  Wouldn't she at the least try to talk to him about it first?  I don't mean accusing him of being a killer, but maybe asking him about his accident or Louise.  I get that then there would be no conflict, but shouldn't a conflict (even in Season Eight) be somewhat rooted in character and reality?
• For that matter, I get that they think that Rhonda is a shallow airhead, but she genuinely views Laverne as a friend by Season Eight.  How can they make her so blasé about Ted's story?
• And as with other (admittedly worse) Season Eight scripts, it's not as if this is funny in even an absurd way.  You can do dark comedy if you're genuinely funny, which Monica Johnson is not this time, despite having given us the gem "Honeymoon Hotel" six seasons earlier.  I am hoping to get that script in the next month or so, but I'm willing to bet that it shows a far greater understanding of Laverne (and her friends) than we see here.

"The Gymnast Show," Scene B

We're at Cowboy Bill's at night again.  It's three weeks later.  As on the filmed version, Frank is counting money, although instead of the line about Mary (presumably the waitress) needing to be more careful because one of the bills has Art Linkletter, Frank originally said, "One, two, three, four... what's the matter with you guys?  Aren't you friends with Lincoln?  Good lookin' guy.  Skinny.  Had a beard," which is marginally funny, although Lincoln isn't exactly known for his good looks.

They left out Frank reacting to the news that Edgar is going to teach Laverne "the triple" with "Jesus, Mary and Joseph!", which maybe Standards & Practices found blasphemous.  And then when Laverne says that Edgar is a trapeze artist, this was omitted:

FRANK

The trapeze, huh?  I guess it's better than you wanting to go to India and sit around with skinny guys in sheets.

LAVERNE

I wouldn't go to India.  I can do that at the laundromat.

FRANK

I'll give you some shirts.

And then after Frank says Edgar seems nice and has a nice suit, there was this.

FRANK

But the circus?  I mean if she's gonna train, why not train her to be a dental assistant?

LAVERNE

I don't want to spend my life saying "spit, rinse, and you have to floss more often."  Edgar says he can train me and I want to take a shot.

In the script, Frank objects to Edgar being "old," which was replaced (perhaps to preserve West's ego) with Edgar being out of work.

And they left out this part:

LAVERNE

Pop, didn't you hear him say his house guy was gonna be there?  We won't be alone.

FRANK

You think that makes me feel better?  Now it's two guys and you.  I think I'm beginning to understand "the triple."

And that's it for changes to this scene.  A few thoughts:

• Three weeks is a long time for Laverne to date a guy and have him not get her name right.  Shouldn't she be more suspicious?
• I think that is a Maharishi Mahesh Yogi joke, this being set around the time that the Beatles were involved with the MMY.  
• The dental assistant joke is a little random.
• They are really beating that "triple" group sex joke into the ground.
• Overall, this again isn't especially funny, but neither is the filmed episode.

"The Gymnast Show," Scene A

My copy of the script is missing the cover page, which says the date and which version it is.  But I've done a little detective work and I can place it roughly:

1. It's white, which seems to be the color for Rough Drafts.
2. It's coded on the cast list page as #60798-173.  "How's Your Sister?" is coded as #60798-174, so this is presumably meant to be the preceding episode, never mind the air-dates.  
3. "Buzzards" is #60798-162, and the Rough Draft is from September 9, 1982, while the "Sister" script is from December 13th.  So we can assume that this is somewhere in between.
4. "Gymnast" would air December 14th.  I can't imagine this copy is later than early November, considering the other drafts it would have to go through before shooting.

By this point, they definitely would've given up all hope of Cindy coming back, and indeed it's a very skeletal cast, just three regulars and two guests.

Anyway, we begin at Cowboy Bill's, at "Night":

THE RESTAURANT IS CLOSED.  THE TABLES ARE PUSHED ASIDE, CHAIRS ON TOP, AS FRANK IS ABOUT TO WAX THE FLOOR.  LAVERNE ENTERS VERY UPSET.

LAVERNE

I got stood up.  Can you believe it?  I thought stood up was one of those things that goes away after high school...  like zits.  The Creep.  I bet he wasn't even really Bob Dylan's brother.  (SHE NOTICES FRANK WITH THE MOP.)  Pop...  didn't you hear me... your muffin got stood up.

FRANK

What do you want from me?  I got stood up too.  I had wrestling tickets for tonight but I can't go because Pepino won't come in and clean up.

LAVERNE

He's sick?

FRANK

There's gotta be something wrong with him.  He's getting married tonight.

LAVERNE

So Mary finally got him to the altar.

FRANK

Not Mary...  Bob Eubanks.  They got chosen for the Newlywed Game.  Figured they better make it legal.

LAVERNE

The perfect Hollywood romance.  Met on the Dating Game, married on the Newlywed Game.  I hope they don't wind up in Divorce Court.

FRANK

Don't give him any ideas.  Bad enough he's taking tonight off.

LAVERNE

Can't you get someone else?

FRANK

No.  Pepino's like family.  Works for wages like family.  Cheap.

LAVERNE

I'll clean up, Pop.

FRANK

I couldn't ask you to do that, but since you want to...

FRANK WHIPS HIS APRON OFF AND HANDS IT AND THE MOP TO LAVERNE.

FRANK (CONT'D)

Don't forget the corners.

FRANK EXITS.  LAVERNE LOOKS AT THE WAX INSTRUCTIONS.

LAVERNE

(READING) "Caution".  "Do not take internally, avoid contact with eye."  Boy, what kind of jerk would want to wax their eye?

LAVERNE OPENS THE THE PLASTIC BOTTLE.  IT SQUIRTS IN HER FACE.

LAVERNE (CONT'D)

Good thing it's okay to squirt it in your nose.

This all got left out and when the filmed scene opens, Laverne is waxing the floor when Rhonda enters with "a handsome, muscular man in his forties.  He has a cane."  For whatever reason, Edgar's last name in the script was "Van Dyke," rather than "Garibaldi."

After Edgar tells Laverne that her hands are too lovely to hold a mop, this was omitted:

RHONDA

Speaking of hands, Laverne, don't you recognize these?  (HOLDS UP EDGAR'S HANDS).

LAVERNE

Uh, a commercial maybe?  'M & M's melt in your mouth, not in your hands.'  (TO EDGAR) You're the hands right?

EDGAR

Nothing so glamorous.

In the script, after Laverne asks if the bearded lady is really a guy, Edgar replies, "Not ours, she was a big, mean woman.  But perhaps you and I could go out for dinner and talk more about it."  Onscreen, Rhonda says this is no question to ask on a first date, and Edgar offers to tell Laverne about the tattooed lady.

After Edgar calls Laverne agile and graceful, she was supposed to say, "That was nothing.  I've had a lot of practice dodging angry customers," and then he'd remark, "And so modest."  And after Laverne says that she hopes she doesn't remind Edgar of the fat lady, he'd say, "They would have run us out of town if our fat lady was as beautiful as you," which would make Laverne go, "Awww."

In the script, Rhonda says, "Ta ta" and exits, but onscreen Laverne has to tell her to get lost before she goes.

Onscreen, after Edgar asks if Laverne ever wears her hair up, she holds it up but then says her arms are getting tired, so he holds it up, and she hopes his arms won't get tired.  In the script, Laverne "dreamily" tells him, "Anyway you like it.  Up.  Down.  Off...," and then they exit.

Thoughts:

• It's another Laverne/mop episode.
• How late at night is it that Laverne got stood up but is still able to go out to dinner at a presumably much nicer restaurant?  We know Frank sometimes torments his customers very late at night, but maybe he didn't bother this time since he was hoping to go to a wrestling match.
• This script has one of several references to Dylan in the California years.
• Frank sure is lacking in sympathy to everyone but himself here.
• Who the heck is Pepino?
• I thought for a moment that Mary the Waitress got married, but that doesn't really fit with meeting on The Dating Game.
• The first part of the scene isn't particularly funny or necessary, but it does mean that Frank's appearance in the episode is cut shorter.
• The Rhonda-Laverne-Edgar dialogue is about equal in both versions.  I ended up giving the finished product a C, and I think this script is going to be pretty average, too.
• It is worth noting though, this episode fits the recurring theme of Laverne reshaping herself to please men, in this script even offering to shave her head!