"Day of the Porcupine," Scene 4

Act Two opens in the "girls' living room - day," yes, they got the plural possessive correct, kudos:

IT'S THE NEXT MORNING (SATURDAY).  SHIRLEY IS ALREADY DRESSED AND READY TO GIVE LAVERNE HER LESSON.  SHE'S ALSO PREPARED COFFEE.

SHIRLEY

(CALLING OFF) Laverne.  hurry up.  Coffee's getting cold.  I want you to be wide awake for your lesson.

LAVERNE COMES OUT IN A NIGHTGOWN.  SHE HAS A THERMOMETER IN HER MOUTH.  SHE APPROACHES SHIRLEY FROM BEHIND, VERY TENTATIVELY.

LAVERNE

Shirl?

SHIRLEY

(SEEING HER IN NIGHTGOWN) Laverne, what are you doing?  We have to leave!

LAVERNE

(TALKING WITH THERMOMETER IN MOUTH) I can't.  I'm sick!

SHIRLEY

You have a temperature?

LAVERNE

Yeah!  (TAKES THERMOMETER OUT AND LOOKS AT IT)  A hundred and scared!

SHIRLEY

Laverne!!

LAVERNE

Listen, Shirl. I've been thinking about this and...

SHIRLEY

Don't say what I think you're going to say.

LAVERNE

Okay.  I won't say it.  (SHE STARTS OFF BACK TO THE BEDROOM)

SHIRLEY

(CALLING AFTER HER) Then I'll say it.  You're acting like a complete idiot!

LENNY AND SQUIGGY BURST IN.

SQUIGGY

Hello!

LENNY

Is Laverne ready to La-learn to La-drive??  [Underlines handwritten]

THE GUYS LAUGH.

SHIRLEY

(CALLING OFF SO LAVERNE CAN HEAR) No!  My friend, Laverne DeFazio, is a quitter!  [Periods hand-changed to exclamation points.]

LAVERNE (O.S.)

(YELLING BACK) I'm not quitting.

SHIRLEY

(YELLING) Then what are you doing?

LAVERNE (O.S.)

(YELLING) I'm just not starting.

SQUIGGY

(TO SHIRLEY) I seen this happen before.  Typical case of steering wheel fright.

LENNY

it all has to do with something missing in the inner ear!  But we know how to cure it.

SHIRLEY

How?

SQUIGGY

Well, ya walk up to ["the" inserted] inner ear very calmly...you look in there and you scream - Get in that car and drive, clown!!!

LAVERNE ENTERS FROM THE BEDROOM STILL DRESSED IN NIGHTGOWN.

LENNY

Where you gonna drive to...Dream Land?

THE GUYS LAUGH.

LAVERNE

Yeah.  Come along...I'll drop you off in nightmare alley...

SQUIGGY

(HURT) C'mon Len.  It's obvious [crossed out and replaced by "oblivious"] our expertise is no longer required!

LENNY

Yeah.  Let's go somewhere where it is... (LOOKS AT HIS WATCH)  ...the pool hall should be open by now!

THEY EXIT.

LAVERNE

Shirl, face up to it...I can never learn to drive!

SHIRLEY

That's silly!  What about the time you said you could never, never ever learn to do the Cha Cha, and then a month later you won the silver banana at the Dance-o-thon?

LAVERNE

That's all very nice, Shirl, but what you're forgetting is that on the way to that silver banana there was a lot of tripping and falling and stepping on people's feet.

SHIRLEY

So?

LAVERNE

So, if I make the same kind of mistakes in driving, I'm not going to wind up with a silver banana.  I'm going to wind up with a plastic neck brace.

SHIRLEY

Laverne, everybody goes through the same thing when they're driving.  Trust me.  You'll do all right.

LAVERNE

I don't want to do it, Shirl.  Everyone's gonna honk at me.

SHIRLEY

I'll put a sign in the back window that says, "Driver In Training.  Proceed At Your Own Risk".

LAVERNE

Make the sign read, "Laverne DeFazio Driving...Hit the Dirt!", and I'll do it !

SHIRLEY

Laverne.  In this hour of pessimism, negativity and faithlessness, I have only one thing to say to you.

SHE GOES TO THE CLOSET, TAKES SOMETHING DOWN AND COMES BACK TO LAVERNE.  SHE HOLDS THE THING IN FRONT OF HER.  IT'S THE SILVER BANANA.

SHIRLEY (CONT'D)

(READING INSCRIPTION ON BANANA) To Laverne DeFazio..and her feet!  They never gave up!

SHIRLEY BEGINS TO SING A "CHA-CHA" BEAT.

LAVERNE

Cut it out, Shirl!

SHIRLEY CONTINUES...

LAVERNE

(BEGINNING TO FALL UNDER THE SPELL) That's not fair, Shirl...

LAVERNE BEGINS TO SWAY TO THE BEAT.  SHIRLEY CONTINUES...

LAVERNE (CONT'D)

(DANCING MORE) You know how to get to me Feeny [sic]!  All right...I'll do it...I'll do it!

AS SHIRLEY CONTINUES, LAVERNE BEGINS CHA-CHA-ING TOWARD THE BEDROOM...ONCE OUT OF SIGHT, SHIRLEY BREATHES A SIGH OF RELIEF AND ABSENT-MINDEDLY PEELS THE SILVER BANANA, WHICH IS INDEED A REAL BANANA PAINTED SILVER.  SHE TAKES A BITE OUT OF IT.

Thoughts:

• Now we're four scenes into this and it still hasn't really gotten going, although there are some interesting moments along the way.
• If McKean & Lander did punch up their part of this scene, I can't say they improved it, "oblivious" aside, since the boys are telling and laughing at jokes too pathetic even for them.  At least there's an actual Hello Moment this time, unlike in the first scene.
• I have a hard time believing Laverne was ever afraid to dance.
• Silver.  Banana.  Which has been in the closet who knows how long before Shirley eats it.

"Day of the Porcupine," Scene 3

We're in the "girl's [sic] living room - early evening":

LAVERNE IS ON THE PHONE.

LAVERNE

(INTO PHONE) Don't be silly, Pop... I'll [hand underlined] pick up Uncle Fungi...Look, it's no trouble at all... Shirley'll drive me over to the bus station.

THE DOOR OPENS, SHIRLEY ENTERS CARRYING A LOAD OF DRY CLEANING.  SHE'S FOLLOWED BY CARMINE WHO IS CARRYING TWO FULL SACKS OF GROCERIES.  SHIRLEY HANGS CLOTHES IN CLOSET, GOES TO COUCH, COLLAPSES, EXHAUSTED.  CARMINE TAKES GROCERIES TO COUNTER.

LAVERNE (CONT'D)

(INTO PHONE) Pop?... Pop, why are you screaming?...Lenny and Squiggy are playing catch with a pizza?...Why don't you stop them?...Oh, they're playing monkey in the middle...And you're the monkey...Right...Bye, Pop...(HANGS UP)

LAVERNE WALKS OVER TO SHIRLEY.

SHIRLEY

(EXHAUSTED) Laverne, as long as you're up, fix me a Bosco...I'm bushed!

LAVERNE

No time for Bosco!  You've got to take me to the bus station.

SHIRLEY

(MOANING) Awwwwww!  It's always time for Bosco.

LAVERNE

C'mon...I gotta pick up my Uncle Fungi.

SHIRLEY MOANS AGAIN.  CARMINE COMES OVER.

SHIRLEY

(TURNING ON AS MUCH CHARM AS SHE CAN MUSTER) Carmine...Would you take her please???  I've been running around all day...I'm exhausted!

CARMINE

Sorry Angel Face...I gotta be at the dance studio in ten minutes.  (DOES A SMALL DANCE STEP)

LAVERNE

(TO SHIRLEY) You're not gonna take me?

SHIRLEY

I didn't say that... C'mon Carmine, can't you be a little late?

CARMINE

Hey.  No way... Don't put me in the middle.  I'm not the one who made stupid promises to my roommate!

SHIRLEY

Thanks a lot, Carmine!  You can forget the tip for carrying the bags!

LAVERNE HAS BEEN TAKING ALL OF THIS IN.

LAVERNE

I knew it!  I knew this would happen, Shirley!  You and your... (LIKE SHIRLEY) I'll take you anywhere you want, Laverne... And me, fool that I am...  (OVERLY SWEET) Okay...That's peachy...Here's three hundred dollars...What a fool I am!!!

SHIRLEY

Laverne, please.  Be understanding... When I said I'd take you everywhere, I didn't say I'd like it... I said I'd do it... Now I'm just exercising my right to not like it...

LAVERNE

Well, now that you did that, you better exercise your responsibility to do it, or I'll give you a right, (SHAKES FIST AT SHIRLEY) and you won't like it...

SHIRLEY

Laverne, I can't go on like this.  I've been driving you around so much lately, I don't feel like your roommate...I feel like your employee!!

LAVERNE

I just knew this would happen!  I knew you wouldn't live up to your part of the bargain!

SHIRLEY

And you were right.  So it looks like we're going to have to do something I thought we'd never have to do.

LAVERNE

You mean sell the car.

SHIRLEY

No.  Teach you how to drive.

ON LAVERNE'S REACTION WE: 

FADE OUT

Thoughts:

• "Uncle Fungi" was previously spelled with an E at the end.
• Oh, those mischievous boys!
• So it's not just Lenny who likes Bosco.
• Laverne is really pushing Shirley around, and threatening violence, in this version.
• And Shirley is tipping Carmine for favors, like everyone is motivated by money in this episode.
• Carmine, as far as we know, doesn't even have a roommate to make stupid promises to.
• Shirley being Laverne's chauffeur was doomed from the start, and it means that here we are at the end of Act One, and the episode still hasn't really got going.

"Day of the Porcupine," Scene 2

We go to the "girl's [sic] living room - day":

THEY ARE JUST RETURNING.  LAVERNE ENTERS FIRST.  SHIRLEY IS RIGHT ON HER HEELS AND REMAINS SO FOR THE FIRST FEW BEATS.  LAVERNE KEEPS TURNING TO GET AWAY FROM SHIRLEY BUT SHIRL KEEPS POPPING UP IN FRONT OF HER.

SHIRLEY

(PLEADING) Please...

LAVERNE

No!!

SHIRLEY

Please...

LAVERNE

No!!!  Will you stop pleasing???

SHIRLEY

No!!!  Laverne, I just don't understand this.  By the time your vacation comes around, you'll have enough money for the trip, so what's the problem?

LAVERNE

(UNEASY, LIKE SHE'S HIDING SOMETHING) I don't know, Shirl.  It just doesn't seem like a good idea.

SHIRLEY

How can it not [underline handwritten in] be a good idea to have our own car?

LAVERNE

It just isn't.  So many things can happen.

SHIRLEY

Like what?

LAVERNE

Oh, like forgetting where you parked in a strange neighborhood, or running out of gas on the highway.

SHIRLEY

(NOT BUYING THIS) Laverne...

LAVERNE

Well, what about all the enemies you make when everyone starts asking you to borrow it?

SHIRLEY

Laverne, what's the real reason?

LAVERNE

What real reason?

SHIRLEY

The real reason why you keep looking for crazy reasons not to get this car.

LAVERNE

Oh, that real reason.

SHIRLEY NODS.  LAVERNE SUMMONS HER COURAGE, THEN, 

LAVERNE

Shirl, the real reason is...  No, I can't say it...  I'm too embarrassed.

SHIRLEY

Laverne!

LAVERNE

The real reason is... Can't we talk about this later?

SHIRLEY

Laverne!

LAVERNE

Okay.  The real reason is: I can't drive.

SHIRLEY

I know you don't have a driver's license, but you can learn!

SHIRLEY

Yeah.

LAVERNE

Remember how every time he was in some high place he would start to get weird?

SHIRLEY

Uh huh.

LAVERNE

Well, I've got auto-go!  Every time I try to drive a car I get weird.  Driving scares me!

SHIRLEY

You can overcome that!

LAVERNE

No, Shirl.  I can't.  I tried learning in an empty lot once and I almost got sick.

SHIRLEY
Laverne, are you sure it's that bad?

LAVERNE

Shirl, remember the time I had that nightmare about the giant thing that crushed me and trampled me and left me all in little pieces, and I told you it was a monster?

SHIRLEY

Yeah?

LAVENE

That monster was a Buick.

SHIRLEY

Well, I guess that rules out your driving.

LAVERNE

Yeah, I'm sorry, Shirl.  It's just one of those things.

SHIRLEY

But it doesn't mean you can't own a car.

LAVERNE

Huh?

SHIRLEY

Look.  We go just about every place together, anyway, so instead of me doing half the driving and you doing half the driving, I'll do all the driving.

LAVERNE

But what about the times I want to do something that you don't want to do?

SHIRLEY

I'll drive you.

LAVERNE

Wherever I want to go?

SHIRLEY

Wherever you want to go

LAVERNE

No you won't.  You'll get sick of it in a week!

SHIRLEY

I wouldn't.  You have my word.  I'll take you wherever you want to go.  It'll be just like driving without having to drive.

LAVERNE

(STARTING TO COME AROUND) Yeah?  Wherever I want to go???

SHIRLEY

I promise.

LAVERNE

Could I sit in back and say, "Home, Shirley!"?

SHIRLEY

(SHOWING SOME HESITANCY) Ahhh... all right, but I'm not gonna wear a hat.

LAVERNE

Okay...okay.

SHIRLEY

Then you'll go halfsies with me?

LAVERNE

I guess so.  It's against my better judgment, but I will...

SHIRLEY

Great!  You won't regret this.

HUGS LAVERNE AND THEN GOES TO THE PHONE.

LAVERNE

Who you calling?

SHIRLEY

Mr. Beeham.  I'm gonna tell him we're buying "Little Rollo!"

LAVERNE

Yeah, you do that.  (TAKES A STEP AND THEN STOPS)  Little Rollo???

Thoughts:

• This scene is definitely less marked up, which I think lends support to my Starsky & Hutch = Lander & McKean theory, since they would be more interested in working on a scene with the boys.
• Again, if this scene had made it in, it would've needed a lot of trimming, this time because it takes so long to get to Laverne's not terribly shocking secret.
• Laverne sure has a wide range of fears for someone so tough.
• Well, Shirley offering to chauffeur Laverne around is probably not the solution you would expect, based on the filmed episode, or the characters as established, but we'll see how that works out in future scenes.
• Little Rollo???

"Day of the Porcupine," Scene 1

On June 9, 1976, with Laverne & Shirley a definite hit as a midseason replacement, work had started on Season Two, so the Second Draft of the season-opener was submitted by Jack Winter, I believe to Associate Producer Nick Abdo, and re-written by, well, take a look at these close-ups of the cover sheet:

I very much want "Starsky & Hutch" to be nicknames for Michael McKean and David L. Lander, but whoever they were, they handwrote changes into this copy of the script, which we'll get to.  As for that original episode title, it's baffling and wonderful.

I'll say here that I also own the Shooting Script for "Drive," but it is so different from this draft (and much closer to the episode as shown), that I will dig into "Porcupine" for awhile until there is a sense of syncing up a little.

The scenes are unlettered, but the first one opens on "EXT. DRIVEWAY OF CLARENCE BEEHAM - DAY"

A LATE FIFTIES PLYMOUTH CONVERTABLE [hand-corrected to "CONVERTIBLE"], TWO-TONE BLUE, WITH ALL THE OBLIGATORY TRAPPINGS (ANGORA DICE ON THE REARVIEW MIRROR, PINK FUR WINDOW LININGS, ETC) SITS FACING THE AUDIENCE IN THE DRIVEWAY.  WE HEAR THE VOICES OF LAVERNE AND SHIRLEY AS THEY APPROACH.  WHEN WE SEE THEM SHIRLEY IS LEADING LAVERNE, WHOSE EYES ARE CLOSED.

SHIRLEY

Keep 'em closed, Laverne...No peeking...

LAVERNE

    If I didn't peek when you led me onto the bus, I'm not gonna peek now...  Come on, already!!!

SHIRLEY LEADS LAVERNE TO THE FRONT OF THE CAR AND SETS HER IN POSITION.

LAVERNE

Can I open my eyes yet, please?

SHIRLEY

(REALLY SELLING) Almost, Laverne, almost...when you open your eyes you're gonna see the most beautiful thing on four wheels...smooth, sleek lines... a magnificent grill...exciting tailfins...

LAVERNE

It's a car...

SHIRLEY

You peeked!!!!!

SHIRLEY

Isn't it gorgeous, Laverne?  Don't you love it?

LAVERNE

This is the big surprise?  For this I had to keep my eyes closed for forty-five minutes?  (BEAT)  I got a surprise for you, Shirl...I'm mad.

SHIRLEY

Aw, Laverne, throw off your troubles, c'mon...get happy...

LAVERNE

(MAKES A FIST) And get ready for the judgement day.

SHIRLEY

I just wanted you to see it before I bought it.

LAVERNE

You've already decided to buy?

SHIRLEY

I think so.

LAVERNE

Are you sure you're not getting bamboozled?

SHIRLEY

What?

LAVERNE

You know how weak you are with salesmen.

SHIRLEY

I'm not weak...

LAVERNE

That's all they know.

SHIRLEY

Laverne, this car was made for me.  Listen...

SHIRLEY REACHES IN WINDOW, HONKS TWICE.

SHIRLEY (CONT'D)

(MIMICS HORN) (LOW VOICE) Shir-ley...  Buy-me...  (HONKS TWICE MORE)  Shir-ley... Buy-me...

A CHIPPPER [fixed to "CHIPPER"] SEVENTY YEAR OLD MAN ENTERS.  HE IS SLIGHTLY ECCENTRIC.

CLARENCE

Hey, you, get away from there.  That's [fixed to "That"] baby's cherry.

SHIRLEY

Oh, I'm sorry.  You must be Mr. Beeham.

CLARENCE

Are you the girl who called?  Shirley Feeney?

SHIRLEY NODS.

CLARENCE (CONT'D)

My, how you've grown.

SHIRLEY

Oh, we've never met before.

CLARENCE

You denying you grew?

LAVERNE

Mr. Beeham, my friend is interested in buying your car.

CLARENCE

["Great!" inserted] You want to [changed to "wanna"] talk turkey?

SHIRLEY

You bet!

CLARENCE STARTS GOBBLING LIKE A TURKEY.  LAVERNE AND SHIRLEY REACT.

CLARENCE

(STOPS IN MID-GOBBLE) Where's your sense of humor?

LAVERNE

Oh, we left it at home.  We better go get it.  Come on, Shirl.

STARTS TO PULL HER AWAY.

SHIRLEY

No, I want this car.

CLARENCE

Well, it's a real beauty.  I treat this car like it was my own son.  I never had a son, you know.

SHIRLEY

Oh, Laverne, isn't that sweet?

CLARENCE

(TO CAR) Stand up straight, we got company.

LAVERNE

["Just" inserted] Why are you selling this car, Mr. Beeham?

CLARENCE

You wouldn't have to ask that if you saw his room.

WOMAN (O.S.)

Clarence?

CLARENCE

Yes?

WOMAN (O.S.0

Come inside a minute.  I feel like taking a shower.

CLARENCE EXITS.  SHIRLEY TURNS TO LAVERNE.

SHIRLEY

Well, what do you think?

LAVERNE

I think they got something besides liver in those little pills.

SHIRLEY

I mean about the car.

LAVERNE

Oh, the car.  It's OK, Shirl.  It would be better if you got rid of the foam dice and the rubber skeleton.

SHIRLEY

Good idea.  I don't want anything obnoxious to even get near this car.

SQUIGGY AND LENNY ENTER.

SQUIGGY

Hiya, girls.

THEY WALK PAST THE GIRLS AND TAKE A CLOSE LOOK AT THE CAR.

LENNY

(TO SQUIGGY) Hey, not bad.

SQUIGGY

Yeah, real cute, but we can only stay a minute.

LENNY

Yeah, we got dates tonight with the Gazelle sisters.

SQUIGGY

Yeah.  The fastest girls in the brewery.

THE GUYS DO A "RONNIE."

LAVERNE

What do you think, guys?  Should we buy it?

LENNY

(VERY AUTHORITATIVE) Well, let's see.  What ya got here's a '57 Plymouth.

SQUIGGY

(AUTHORITATIVE) First year of the Fury!  Good resale value!

LAVERNE AND SHIRLEY EXCHANGE LOOKS.  THEY'RE IMPRESSED.  SQUIGGY SIGNALS LENNY.  SQUIGGY TAKES ONE SIDE, LENNY THE OTHER.  THEY GO FROM FRONT TO BACK, KICKING THE TIRES, SLAPPING THE SIDES AND FINALLY BOUNCING ON THE TRUNK.

SQUIGGY (CONT'D)

Looks pretty good to me.

LAVERNE

What about the inside?

LENNY

(THINKS, THEN) Good point.  You go [fixed to "got"] the keys?

SHIRLEY HANDS HIM THE KEYS.  HE GETS IN AND TURNS ON THE RADIO.

LENNY (CONT'D)

Clear as a bell.

SQUIGGY

I think you should snap it up, Shirley.

LAVERNE

Aren't you going to check under the hood?

SQUIGGY

Whaddaya think, I'm stupid?  Of course, I'm gonna check under the hood.  That's the oldest way in the world they have of cheating you.  (HE OPENS THE HOOD)  Nope.  Everything's there.  (CLOSES HOOD)  I'd buy it if I was you, Shirley.

LENNY

Yeah, and if you're not using it on Tuesday...

SQUIGGY

(TO LENNY) Forget about Tuesday.  Tuesday we got the truck.  Tonight's the night we need it.

SHIRLEY

Sorry fellas!  I don't loan my car!

LENNY

Too bad.  I could just see those Gazelle sisters leaping over the seats!  (THEY "RONNIE", THEN EXIT)

SHIRLEY

(CALLING AFTER THEM) Thanks, guys.  It was nice of you to come.

LAVERNE

(TURNING TO SHIRLEY) Well???

SHIRLEY

Well...I want the car, I love the car, I need the car.

LAVERNE

Good!  So get the car!

SHIRLEY

I can't afford the car!

LAVERNE

But I thought you said you had the money.

SHIRLEY

That was before I remembered about the ownership papers and the insurance.  It all adds up.

LAVERNE

Aw, that is a shame.

SHIRLEY

It sure is... Unless, of course, someone...a close friend, perhaps...could chip in a little and...

LAVERNE

Oh, no, Shirl.

SHIRLEY

What do you mean?  You have the money.

LAVERNE

A little money.  And I've been saving it for my vacation cruise.

SHIRLEY

Big deal!  A tour of the Great Lakes???

LAVERNE

You know how many single guys hang around the Lakes???

SHIRLEY

But I've been saving over two years for a car.

LAVERNE

I'm not lending you any money...  And that's it!

SHIRLEY

I'm not talking about lending.  This is an investment.  Half of it will be yours.

LAVERNE

Half?  A second ago it was chipping in.

SHIRLEY

Laverne, we'll be independent.  We'll come and go when we want to.  There'll be no more cheap feels on the bus.

LAVERNE

Sorry, Shirl.  I can't do it.

CLARENCE ENTERS WEARING A BATHROBE.

CLARENCE

Well, have you girls made up your minds?

SHIRLEY

Laverne?

LAVERNE

Shirl, there is no way that you're going to get me to go halves with you on that car.

SHIRLEY

(TO CLARENCE) Um...not yet.  We're still talking it over.

Many thoughts:

• As this typist would say, !!!!, ?????
• This is not the car that the girls would end up with, as we'll see in the later version of the script.
• Why did Laverne have to keep her eyes shut for forty-five minutes, including on the bus, when they've presumably never been to this neighborhood before and it's not like Laverne would recognize Mr. Beeham?  Why not just have her cover her eyes when they get to that block?
• OK, I like the "shark on roller skates" line.
• Laverne's anger doesn't even get any exclamation points for some reason.
• The initials joke, like many in this scene, doesn't work.  I'm more amused by the idea that the boys are Shirley's protection.
• And the hello (which isn't even a hello, but I'll get to that) is weakened if the audience knows they're on their way.
• I do, however, have a soft spot for Shirley giving voice to animals and inanimate objects.
• My head canon is that this Clarence is Al's future cook at Arnold's.
• But I have absolutely no idea what they were going for with this character, and I like it better that Shirley buys the car from Lucille, especially since Clarence disappears from the episode after this scene.
• I'm going to assume Mrs. Beeham is Clarence's wife rather than mother, but I really don't know what they were going for with her.
• Get rid of the foam dice???  Who are you and what have you done with Laverne DeFazio???
• All that setup and we get a "Hiya, girls"?!  This is Season Two, what is wrong with you, Winter & Starsky & Hutch???
• The Gazelle sisters.  Um, OK.  And I'm guessing it's not bottle-capping that they're fast at.
• "The guys do a 'Ronnie,' " because it's still a strange term that must be in quotes.  And we get another Ronnie later.
• OK, it's kind of sexy that the boys are so "authoritative," like Squiggy knowing how to fix Shirley's zipper in Season One.  They girls are impressed by them, for a change.
• Squiggy really wants Shirley to buy the car, although he of course has ulterior motives.
• The boys aren't really necessary to this scene, but it's nice to get them into the episode earlier than the filmed version would get them.  (As for whether Laverne is necessary to this scene, I'll get into that when I discuss the other draft.)
• If they had kept this scene, they would've needed to tighten up the dialogue about Shirley needing more money, since it goes on too long, for both Laverne's patience and the audience's.
• Aha, the vacation cruise of Season Three is a glimmer in this script.  And by then, Shirley won't be so scornful of it.
• It seems like the "cheap feels" line needs a punchline from Laverne.
• Clarence's final line doesn't work, either as logic or humor.  It's not like the boys had cell phones, or knew Clarence's phone number.  How would they call Clarence that quickly, especially since he's presumably in the shower with "Mother"?
• So far, this script is a fascinating mess, and I'm not sure that the rewrite did it much good, other than somewhat grammatically.

"Mother Knows Worst," Scenes E, H, and J

We go into the bedroom, at "night - a short time later."  They understandably left out Shirley's line, "Carmine would never eat her dress," and then the stage direction "Laverne reacts."

The scene very briefly switches to the living room, with "continuous action," while still staying Scene E.  They left out Lily turning to Shirley and mouthing, "Suck it up?"  But otherwise, there's not much change here from what got filmed.

The next scene is also in the apartment, "later that night."  They left out Lily's interesting description of Shirley's father, "a handsome young dashing and poor Merchant Marine" (emphasis in the original).  Her line asking if she can still "silently wish for the house in the suburbs" was added, and we know that Shirley would continue to wish for that, too, not so silently.

The scene and the act end with the hug, but there's almost a page left in the script:

SHIRLEY

Let's be honest with each other from now on.

LILY

Okay, I honestly don't want to sleep on this couch.

SHIRLEY PUTS HER ARM AROUND LILY AND THEY START FOR THE BEDROOM.

SHIRLEY

Come on, you can sleep in my bed.  I'll sleep on the couch.

LILY

(NERVOUS) Do you think Laverne will hit me in her sleep?

SHIRLEY

She doesn't usually strike out in her sleep.  If she sucks her thumb, yell "bad girl".

Like the rest of the episode, the tag is set in the apartment, but it's now "Sunday morning," meaning this was a very short visit.  Lily and Laverne laughing about the "raccoon thing" was added.  In the script, Lily gets Squiggy's name right, but I like her still calling him "Squiggly" and Shirley kindly correcting her. 

This script isn't drastically different from what aired, not surprising given how close it was to the airdate.  I do wish that some of the background details on Lily and her marriage had gotten in.  Still, there was some meaty material here, and I continue to wish that Pat Carroll had returned in the role.

"Mother Knows Worst," Scenes C and D

The next scene is set in the bedroom, during "day."  They omitted Shirley saying offstage, "Mother?  Mother, are you here?  Lenny said she was here," while onscreen the girls wonder how Mrs. Feeney got in.

In the script, Shirley is "embarrassed" about being called "Dimples," but she seems proud onscreen.  Also, in the script, Shirley says Laverne has big bones, while onscreen she says that Laverne is tall.  Lily calls the boys "Larry and Squinty" rather than "Squiggly and Wiggly," but I sort of love that, too.  

They left out this bit:

SHIRLEY

I know why she wants this party.  So she can find fault with my friends, my food... everything.  It's just another way to pick on me.

LAVERNE

Shirl, don't get crazy.

And they omitted the last part of the scene:

LAVERNE (O.S.)

Shirley!  Start the dinner for your mother.  If you make believe you're sick, I'm gonna throw you out of bed.

SHIRLEY POPS OUT FROM UNDER THE COVERS.

SHIRLEY

She's fat, but she's real smart.

That ends the act, and the next act and scene open in the girls' apartment, but "that night."  Laverne was supposed to say, "Hi, Pop," and then Frank would reply, "Don't 'Hi Pop' me.  Here's your bread," but on camera he just hands her the loaf of bread.

Also, after Laverne says she's sorry he got stuck with the theater tickets, there was this:

FRANK

You're sorry.  Hours I spent getting there.  Uptown, downtown, buses, cabs, stairs, steps, feet hurting, Laverne.

FRANK CROSSES TO PHONE.

LAVERNE

(SAME SPEECH PATTERN) Pop.  Party tonight.  Dinner, people, fun, food, relax.

FRANK

I'll relax if I can get my money back for these tickets.

And this was left out:

SHIRLEY

Why lima beans?

LAVERNE

That's all we had.

SHIRLEY LOOKS AT THE PEPPERS.

SHIRLEY

Couldn't you at least have mashed them first?

LAVERNE

I've been busy.

And then after Shirley tries a "blunder":

SHIRLEY

(BITES INTO ONE) Mmmmm, this is very good.  She'll hate it.  She'll hate everything.  The food, my friends...  did you clean the bathroom?

LAVERNE

What am I a slave?

SHIRLEY

All right, get a brush.

And after Frank says to call him Vinnie:

FRANK

(TO SHIRLEY) This a new game?  Who you gonna be?

THE GIRLS PASS BY WITH A BUCKET AND A TOILET BRUSH.

SHIRLEY

I'm Shirley.

LAVERNE

(WAVES HER OFF) She don't play.

FRANK PUT HIS ARMS AROUND THE GIRLS.

FRANK

(TO LILY) So.  Barb.  What do you think of our girls, huh?

LILY

Well, Vinnie, Laverne has grown into quite a sophisticated young woman.

FRANK

Yeah.  I taught her that.

This was all dumped:

THERE IS A KNOCK ON THE DOOR.

LILY

Don't worry, I'll get it.

LILY GETS THE BASEBALL BAT.

LILY (CONT'D)

(LOW VOICE) Who is it?

CARMINE (O.S.)

It's Carmine.  I've got everybody with me.

LILY

Oh, it's Carmine.  I've been dying to see that boy's face.

LILY OPENS THE DOOR.  CARMINE ENTERS, WALKING ON HIS HANDS, FOLLOWED BY EVERYBODY ELSE.  LILY GOES TO HUG HIM.  SEES ONLY FEET.

FRANK

How did he knock?

CARMINE STRAIGHTENS UP.  FRANK GOES FOR SOME FOOD.

LILY

(TO CARMINE) You haven't changed a bit.

CARMINE

Remember this?  (HE BAAAS)

LILY

Your famous goat noise.  How could I forget?

LILY LAUGHS AS CARMINE WALKS OVER TO THE COUNTER.

LILY (CONT'D)

(SOTTO TO SHIRLEY) Next he'll eat my dress.

Instead, there's a time-skip onscreen, to the three girls in bowling shirts.  Note that the bowler who speaks is called Delilah, and was cast as frequent Happy Days extra Heather Warren.  (Information not available in the closing credits or IMDB, so you're welcome.)

Thoughts:

• Frank has a little more to do in this scene in the script.  I especially like him being proud of "our girls."
• Shirley worries even more in the script.
• The thing of Lily answering the door like Shirley is good.
• But the greater loss is of course her interaction with Carmine.
• We know from other episodes that Carmine can walk on his hands.  And, ah, the goat impression that will have significance in a Season Seven episode!
• I can understand these trims, but I miss some of the lost material.

"Mother Knows Worst," Scenes A and B

On April 30, 1978, a mere 18 days before "Mother Knows Worst" aired, the Rev. Shooting Script was submitted.  Presumably there won't be any major changes, but there will probably be some minor ones.

We go to the girls' apartment, at "night."  The girls were supposed to giggle offstage for some reason before they enter.  They left out Mrs. Havenwurst saying, "This bookcase will bring you luck."

Oddly enough, Laverne in the script planned to stay with someone named Stephanie, rather than Terry Buttafucco, during Mrs. Feeney's visit.  The minor Buttafuccization of Season One seems to have arisen after the scripts (here and in "Fakeout").  Also in this script, Shirley's mother has never forgiven her for not being Grace Kelly, rather than Deborah Kerr.

The next scene is again at the girls' apartment, but now "Saturday morning."  In the script, Lily "melodramatically" says the line, "I no longer have a husband, dear," while she's pretty matter-of-fact about it on the episode.

This was omitted after Lily says she's divorced:

LILY

...In fact, I have no idea where he is.

MRS. HAVENWURST

Well, if you give me an article of his clothing, I can give you his address and telephone number.

LILY

I burnt all his clothing...

Note that after Squiggy's "bosom buddies" line, the stage direction is "Lenny and Squiggy pull a Ronny," with that spelling.

This was left out, after Squiggy's "groceries" line:

LENNY

(CONVERSATIONAL) You still divorced, Mrs. Feeney?

LILY

(HAD ENOUGH) Young man...

SQUIGGY

(AT REFRIGERATOR) Hey, I'm the product of a broken home.  Didn't hurt me.

Squiggy talking about what food he got sounds adlibbed.  The stage direction after Squiggy's "Sacred Cow" line is "Lily reacts beautifully," which Pat Carroll does.

My main thought is that Lily's divorce seems to be a bigger deal in the script than onscreen, and I love the boys' attitudes about it.

"How Do You Say 'Are You Dead?' in German," Scene K

The tag is set in the apartment, just like the rest of the episode, although it is now "night."  The girls miming Globe Trotters moves was added, and the last couple pages of dialogue were dumped, after Shirley says the GTs make her laugh:

LAVERNE

The biggest laugh was when Goose Tatum threw the bucket of confetti in your face.

SHIRLEY

I knew it was confetti.

LAVERNE

You thought it was water.

SHIRLEY

I knew it was confetti.

LAVERNE

A girl who jumped so high she broke an usher's tooth thought it was water.

SHIRLEY

Let's not talk about it.  Where are we going tomorrow?

LAVERNE

To my father's for dinner.

SHIRLEY

Oh right.  Why does he want me to come to dinner?

LAVERNE

He says the way you eat spaghetti makes him laugh.

SHIRLEY

Laugh?  I know how to eat spaghetti.

LAVERNE

No, really, Shirl.  The right way to eat spaghetti is...  (PANTOMIMES CURLING SPAGHETTI ON FORK AND PUTTING IT IN MOUTH)  You do (PANTOMIMES SCOOPING UP SPAGHETTI, PUTTING IT IN MOUTH AND SUCKING IN SPAGHETTI).

THEY HEAD FOR BEDROOM.

SHIRLEY

I do not eat like that.  That's disgusting.

LAVERNE

    You do, too.  You always have spaghetti lash marks all over your chin.

SHIRLEY

Says you!  I'm a very neat eater.

LAVERNE

It's nothing to get upset about.  You're Irish.  You're not supposed to know how to eat spaghetti.

SHIRLEY

Well... you don't know how to eat potatoes.

LAVERNE

I don't get potato lash marks on my chin.

SHIRLEY

True, but you're not supposed to hold a potato on your fork and eat it like a popsicle.

THEY ARGUE ON.

The girls' argument is cute but definitely disposable, except they did sort of incorporate the part about Mr. DeFazio being amused by how Irish girl Shirley eats spaghetti (which feels really dated of course).

"How Do You Say 'Are You Dead?' in German," Scenes H and J

It's still the girls' apartment, "day":

SHIRLEY, ERIC, CARMINE, SQUIGGY AND LENNY ARE IN THE LIVING ROOM.

SHIRLEY

Eric, some of us chipped in...

CARMINE

He doesn't understand you.  Forget the presentation.

SHIRLEY

(TRIES TO PRESENT ERIC WITH THE MONEY) Eric!  Money, cash, gelt!

SHIRLEY PRESSES THE MONEY INTO ERIC'S HAND.  ERIC DOESN'T WANT IT.  HE LOOKS AT IT, SHAKES HIS HEAD AND GIVES IT TO SQUIGGY.

SQUIGGY

Thanks.  (HEADS TOWARDS DOOR) Come on everybody, the beer's on me.

SHIRLEY TAKES THE MONEY FROM SQUIGGY.

SHIRLEY

Give me that.

SQUIGGY

Ixnay the beers.

SHIRLEY TRIES AGAIN TO HAND ERIC THE MONEY.

SHIRLEY

Here, it's for you.

ERIC SHAKES HIS HEAD AND PUSHES IT AWAY.

ERIC

Nein, nein!

CARMINE

He won't take it.

This is shortened onscreen, although it actually starts in the kitchen.  Squiggy's line about Laverne kicking immigrants was added, but they dropped Lenny "starting to boo softly," until "Laverne approaches him."  

We lost this:

SQUIGGY

I didn't know Hildie spoke German.

LENNY'

Sure you do.  Don't you remember when she called you dumkaph [sic]?

SQUIGGY

Was that German?

In the script, after Carmine observes that Eric is excited about the Pizza Bowl, Squiggy comments, "That's probably because he never ate there," which was replaced by his line about "a rubber room."

Eric thanking the girls and kissing their hands was added, as was them serenading him with "O Tannenbaum."  So of course was his replying with "Que Sera Sera."

Shirley's boo boo face was added after Laverne's exit.

The next scene is "continuous action," in the girls' bedroom.

Laverne being surprised that Shirley thought she was warm was added.  In the script, we learn that the girls' field trip to the Pfister Museum was in the sixth grade.  It is Laverne's pride rather than her feelings that were hurt by the snooty lady giving her fifty cents.  They left out Shirley saying, "But you took it and split it with me.  We bought ten boxes of ju-jubes."  

Shirley is calmer, "sitting thoughtfully," in the script than onscreen, where she gets very upset about not helping Eric more.

The scene and the act end with Laverne saying that she promised her father that Shirley would come over for dinner, too.  Onscreen, they took a thing from the tag, about Frank laughing at how Shirley eats spaghetti, which I'll get into next time.

Thoughts:

• Once again in this script, Squiggy is generous with other people's money.
• Gott in Himmel, Squiggman, how can you not recognize German?
• Ju-jubes.

"How Do You Say 'Are You Dead?' in German," Scenes D and E

The first scene of Act Two is allegedly also set in the living room, "day," although the stage directions say the girls and Eric are seated at the kitchen table.

In the script, after Shirley wonders how to tell Eric he's been fired, she says, "Help me, Vernie," so this happens:

LAVERNE TAKES A PIECE OF PAPER AND LIGHTS IT ON FIRE IN FRONT OF ERIC.

LAVERNE

You fire.  You fire.

ERIC JUMPS BACK IN FRIGHT.  SHIRLEY BLOWS OUT PAPER.

SHIRLEY

Laverne, don't be a nut.  Maybe we should get Hildie over here again and have her tell him that Jiffy's fired him.

(NOTE: IN ERIC'S FOLLOWING DIALOGUE, THE WORD "FIRED" IS SAID IN ENGLISH.)

ERIC SLUMPS WHERE HE SITS.

ERIC

(SADLY) Fired... ich bin fired...  Jiffy kaput.

Onscreen, Eric jumps to his feet rather than slumping in his chair.  Shirley's line, "Yeah, the poor man knows the word 'fired'.  Probably learned it from experience.  Look how sad he is," was split up, so that Carmine got the last two sentences, a nice softening for him.  They left out Laverne saying, "Aw, he stopped eating.  Come on, open your mouth, you be the hangar, I'll be the Luftwaffe."

In case you're curious, Eric has the line "(IN GERMAN) I'm going now.  Goodbye, thank you."

Laverne's thing about Eric's "little hattie" was added, as was Squiggy's "Don't I know it," after Shirley's observation that "you can't send a man out into the world with just a bag of sauerkraut."

Almost a page of dialogue was omitted after the sauerkraut:

SHIRLEY

...Everybody into the bedroom.  I want to talk to you.

LENNY

Into the bedroom.  (LECHEROUS LAUGH)

SQUIGGY

Sure you just want to talk.  Hey, Lenny, you got any Sen-Sen?

SHIRLEY

We're going into the bedroom to talk about Eric.

CARMINE

Why don't we talk here?  He won't understand what we're saying.

SHIRLEY

He understood "fired", didn't he?

ERIC UNDERSTOOD AGAIN.

(IN FOLLOWING DIALOGUE, ERIC SAYS "FIRED" IN ENGLISH.)

ERIC

Fired.  Fired.  What am I going to do?  I've been fired.

LAVERNE

Let's go into the bedroom.

THEY EXIT INTO THE BEDROOM.

There's a little time-skip onscreen but Scene E was originally set in the bedroom with "continuous action," so here's how that looked with it right after Scene D:

THEY ALL ENTER THE BEDROOM.

SQUIGGY

So, this is madame's boudoir?

LENNY BOUNCES ON THE MATTRESSES.  SQUIGGY JOINS HIM.

LENNY

Good mattresses.

SHIRLEY

Will you guys settle down.  We're here for a meeting.

CARMINE

Yeah, knock it off.  What's up, Shirley?

SHIRLEY

Well, Eric's come on hard times.  He's got no job... no place to sleep, and I think it would be a nice gesture if we took up a collection and gave him a few dollars to help.

CARMINE

Good idea, Shirl.

SQUIGGY

Not so fast.

SHIRLEY

Come on, you guys.  People have done the same for you.

LENNY

When?

SHIRLEY

How about all those times in high school when you blew your lunch money pitching dimes?  We saved you from starvation.

LENNY

(TO SQUIGGY) She's right, Squig.

SQUIGGY

All right, we'll kick in for the guy.

SHIRLEY TAKES OUT AN OLD COOKIE TIN WHICH SHE NOW USES AS A SEWING BOX.  SHE EMPTIES THE SEWING MATERIAL. SQUIGGY PICKS UP A BUTTON.

SQUIGGY (CONT'D)

Hey, look, Raggedy Ann's eyeball.

SHIRLEY

I'll tell you what.  So nobody is embarrassed by their donation, we'll have a secret collection.

LENNY

Yeah, we'll all wear masks.

SHIRLEY

That won't be necessary.

CARMINE

Hey... uh...  I can't give much.  I got to buy a pair of patent leather dancing shoes.  Everybody at the dance studio has them.

SQUIGGY

Patent leather shoes.  (GIGGLES)

LENNY

La-dee-da!

CARMINE

How would you like a la-dee-da up your nostril?

LENNY

Cancel my la-dee-da.

SHIRLEY

Do you want to start it off, Laverne?

Onscreen, we don't know how the boys initially react to what I assume is their first visit to the girls' bedroom.  (It would still be a big deal to them in later seasons though.)  The contributions are not secret, and Shirley ends up giving specific amounts as loans for Squiggy and Lenny.

Laverne's boo boo face was added, since in the script she just runs out of the room, but we don't know with what specific emotion(s).  It's a dramatic ending to the scene, but the script goes into more detail on the contributions in the last page or so of the scene:

SHIRLEY

I'm sorry you all had to see that.

SQUIGGY

Me, too.

SHIRLEY

Let's get on with the collection.

CARMINE

I'm with you.

LENNY AND SQUIGGY NOD THEIR AGREEMENT.  SHIRLEY GOES OVER TO THE TIN, SHE COVERS IT WITH HER BODY AND MAKES HER DONATION.  CARMINE AND LENNY DO LIKEWISE.  SINCE THERE'S NO NOISE, IT'S OBVIOUS THAT THEY DONATED PAPER MONEY.  SQUIGGY GOES UP AND MAKES HIS DONATION.  WE HEAR THE CLINK OF A COIN.

CARMINE (CONT'D)

Talk about cheapo.

SQUIGGY

Yeah, well I gave till it hurt.

CARMINE

Come on, Squiggy, dig down.

SQUIGGY REACHES INTO HIS POCKETS.

SQUIGGY

Hey, wait a minute... these aren't my pants.  (TO LENNY) You brought me the wrong pants from the hospital.

LENNY

Who says?

SQUIGGY

Look, five bucks.  I didn't have five bucks.

LENNY

So you came out ahead.

SQUIGGY

But I'm out a buck from the other pants.

Thoughts:

• Laverne lighting paper on fire is on the one hand ridiculously literal, and on the other hand kind of in character.
• Yes, please get Hildie back here.
• Interestingly, it's Laverne that's maternal with Eric, while Shirley is the one who's patronizing.
• Although the girls (or at least Shirley) turned down the orgy, the boys get hopeful when they're invited (along with Carmine) into the bedroom.  And I can picture David Lander trying to sound smooth with the "madame's boudoir" line.
• But the boys are still boyish, and bouncing on mattresses like little kids is also appealing.
• I can see why Shirley's exposition, which we just got in the previous scene, was chopped out, but I like getting another glimpse of the girls helping the boys in high school.
• The "Raggedy Ann's eyeball" line feels dark, albeit not as dark as the boys' fake suicides.
• This is an early example of the boys mocking Carmine for his supposedly effeminate job, until he threatens them.
• Squiggy's "Me, too," made me laugh out loud.
• Instead of ending dramatically, the script ends the scene on a joke about Squiggy's pants.  Overall, the script is more comedic so far than what aired, with some of that humor being, yes, suggestive.