I very much want "Starsky & Hutch" to be nicknames for Michael McKean and David L. Lander, but whoever they were, they handwrote changes into this copy of the script, which we'll get to. As for that original episode title, it's baffling and wonderful.
I'll say here that I also own the Shooting Script for "Drive," but it is so different from this draft (and much closer to the episode as shown), that I will dig into "Porcupine" for awhile until there is a sense of syncing up a little.
The scenes are unlettered, but the first one opens on "EXT. DRIVEWAY OF CLARENCE BEEHAM - DAY"
A LATE FIFTIES PLYMOUTH CONVERTABLE [hand-corrected to "CONVERTIBLE"], TWO-TONE BLUE, WITH ALL THE OBLIGATORY TRAPPINGS (ANGORA DICE ON THE REARVIEW MIRROR, PINK FUR WINDOW LININGS, ETC) SITS FACING THE AUDIENCE IN THE DRIVEWAY. WE HEAR THE VOICES OF LAVERNE AND SHIRLEY AS THEY APPROACH. WHEN WE SEE THEM SHIRLEY IS LEADING LAVERNE, WHOSE EYES ARE CLOSED.
SHIRLEY
Keep 'em closed, Laverne...No peeking...
LAVERNE
If I didn't peek when you led me onto the bus, I'm not gonna peek now... Come on, already!!!
SHIRLEY LEADS LAVERNE TO THE FRONT OF THE CAR AND SETS HER IN POSITION.
LAVERNE
Can I open my eyes yet, please?
SHIRLEY
(REALLY SELLING) Almost, Laverne, almost...when you open your eyes you're gonna see the most beautiful thing on four wheels...smooth, sleek lines... a magnificent grill...exciting tailfins...
LAVERNE
It's a car...
SHIRLEY
You peeked!!!!!
SHIRLEY
Isn't it gorgeous, Laverne? Don't you love it?
LAVERNE
This is the big surprise? For this I had to keep my eyes closed for forty-five minutes? (BEAT) I got a surprise for you, Shirl...I'm mad.
SHIRLEY
Aw, Laverne, throw off your troubles, c'mon...get happy...
LAVERNE
(MAKES A FIST) And get ready for the judgement day.
SHIRLEY
I just wanted you to see it before I bought it.
LAVERNE
You've already decided to buy?
SHIRLEY
I think so.
LAVERNE
Are you sure you're not getting bamboozled?
SHIRLEY
What?
LAVERNE
You know how weak you are with salesmen.
SHIRLEY
I'm not weak...
LAVERNE
That's all they know.
SHIRLEY
Laverne, this car was made for me. Listen...
SHIRLEY REACHES IN WINDOW, HONKS TWICE.
SHIRLEY (CONT'D)
(MIMICS HORN) (LOW VOICE) Shir-ley... Buy-me... (HONKS TWICE MORE) Shir-ley... Buy-me...
A CHIPPPER [fixed to "CHIPPER"] SEVENTY YEAR OLD MAN ENTERS. HE IS SLIGHTLY ECCENTRIC.
CLARENCE
Hey, you, get away from there. That's [fixed to "That"] baby's cherry.
SHIRLEY
Oh, I'm sorry. You must be Mr. Beeham.
CLARENCE
Are you the girl who called? Shirley Feeney?
SHIRLEY NODS.
CLARENCE (CONT'D)
My, how you've grown.
SHIRLEY
Oh, we've never met before.
CLARENCE
You denying you grew?
LAVERNE
Mr. Beeham, my friend is interested in buying your car.
CLARENCE
["Great!" inserted] You want to [changed to "wanna"] talk turkey?
SHIRLEY
You bet!
CLARENCE STARTS GOBBLING LIKE A TURKEY. LAVERNE AND SHIRLEY REACT.
CLARENCE
(STOPS IN MID-GOBBLE) Where's your sense of humor?
LAVERNE
Oh, we left it at home. We better go get it. Come on, Shirl.
STARTS TO PULL HER AWAY.
SHIRLEY
No, I want this car.
CLARENCE
Well, it's a real beauty. I treat this car like it was my own son. I never had a son, you know.
SHIRLEY
Oh, Laverne, isn't that sweet?
CLARENCE
(TO CAR) Stand up straight, we got company.
LAVERNE
["Just" inserted] Why are you selling this car, Mr. Beeham?
CLARENCE
You wouldn't have to ask that if you saw his room.
WOMAN (O.S.)
Clarence?
CLARENCE
Yes?
WOMAN (O.S.0
Come inside a minute. I feel like taking a shower.
CLARENCE EXITS. SHIRLEY TURNS TO LAVERNE.
SHIRLEY
Well, what do you think?
LAVERNE
I think they got something besides liver in those little pills.
SHIRLEY
I mean about the car.
LAVERNE
Oh, the car. It's OK, Shirl. It would be better if you got rid of the foam dice and the rubber skeleton.
SHIRLEY
Good idea. I don't want anything obnoxious to even get near this car.
SQUIGGY AND LENNY ENTER.
SQUIGGY
Hiya, girls.
THEY WALK PAST THE GIRLS AND TAKE A CLOSE LOOK AT THE CAR.
LENNY
(TO SQUIGGY) Hey, not bad.
SQUIGGY
Yeah, real cute, but we can only stay a minute.
LENNY
Yeah, we got dates tonight with the Gazelle sisters.
SQUIGGY
Yeah. The fastest girls in the brewery.
THE GUYS DO A "RONNIE."
LAVERNE
What do you think, guys? Should we buy it?
LENNY
(VERY AUTHORITATIVE) Well, let's see. What ya got here's a '57 Plymouth.
SQUIGGY
(AUTHORITATIVE) First year of the Fury! Good resale value!
LAVERNE AND SHIRLEY EXCHANGE LOOKS. THEY'RE IMPRESSED. SQUIGGY SIGNALS LENNY. SQUIGGY TAKES ONE SIDE, LENNY THE OTHER. THEY GO FROM FRONT TO BACK, KICKING THE TIRES, SLAPPING THE SIDES AND FINALLY BOUNCING ON THE TRUNK.
SQUIGGY (CONT'D)
Looks pretty good to me.
LAVERNE
What about the inside?
LENNY
(THINKS, THEN) Good point. You go [fixed to "got"] the keys?
SHIRLEY HANDS HIM THE KEYS. HE GETS IN AND TURNS ON THE RADIO.
LENNY (CONT'D)
Clear as a bell.
SQUIGGY
I think you should snap it up, Shirley.
LAVERNE
Aren't you going to check under the hood?
SQUIGGY
Whaddaya think, I'm stupid? Of course, I'm gonna check under the hood. That's the oldest way in the world they have of cheating you. (HE OPENS THE HOOD) Nope. Everything's there. (CLOSES HOOD) I'd buy it if I was you, Shirley.
LENNY
Yeah, and if you're not using it on Tuesday...
SQUIGGY
(TO LENNY) Forget about Tuesday. Tuesday we got the truck. Tonight's the night we need it.
SHIRLEY
Sorry fellas! I don't loan my car!
LENNY
Too bad. I could just see those Gazelle sisters leaping over the seats! (THEY "RONNIE", THEN EXIT)
SHIRLEY
(CALLING AFTER THEM) Thanks, guys. It was nice of you to come.
LAVERNE
(TURNING TO SHIRLEY) Well???
SHIRLEY
Well...I want the car, I love the car, I need the car.
LAVERNE
Good! So get the car!
SHIRLEY
I can't afford the car!
LAVERNE
But I thought you said you had the money.
SHIRLEY
That was before I remembered about the ownership papers and the insurance. It all adds up.
LAVERNE
Aw, that is a shame.
SHIRLEY
It sure is... Unless, of course, someone...a close friend, perhaps...could chip in a little and...
LAVERNE
Oh, no, Shirl.
SHIRLEY
What do you mean? You have the money.
LAVERNE
A little money. And I've been saving it for my vacation cruise.
SHIRLEY
Big deal! A tour of the Great Lakes???
LAVERNE
You know how many single guys hang around the Lakes???
SHIRLEY
But I've been saving over two years for a car.
LAVERNE
I'm not lending you any money... And that's it!
SHIRLEY
I'm not talking about lending. This is an investment. Half of it will be yours.
LAVERNE
Half? A second ago it was chipping in.
SHIRLEY
Laverne, we'll be independent. We'll come and go when we want to. There'll be no more cheap feels on the bus.
LAVERNE
Sorry, Shirl. I can't do it.
CLARENCE ENTERS WEARING A BATHROBE.
CLARENCE
Well, have you girls made up your minds?
SHIRLEY
Laverne?
LAVERNE
Shirl, there is no way that you're going to get me to go halves with you on that car.
SHIRLEY
(TO CLARENCE) Um...not yet. We're still talking it over.
Many thoughts:
- As this typist would say, !!!!, ?????
- This is not the car that the girls would end up with, as we'll see in the later version of the script.
- Why did Laverne have to keep her eyes shut for forty-five minutes, including on the bus, when they've presumably never been to this neighborhood before and it's not like Laverne would recognize Mr. Beeham? Why not just have her cover her eyes when they get to that block?
- OK, I like the "shark on roller skates" line.
- Laverne's anger doesn't even get any exclamation points for some reason.
- The initials joke, like many in this scene, doesn't work. I'm more amused by the idea that the boys are Shirley's protection.
- And the hello (which isn't even a hello, but I'll get to that) is weakened if the audience knows they're on their way.
- I do, however, have a soft spot for Shirley giving voice to animals and inanimate objects.
- My head canon is that this Clarence is Al's future cook at Arnold's.
- But I have absolutely no idea what they were going for with this character, and I like it better that Shirley buys the car from Lucille, especially since Clarence disappears from the episode after this scene.
- I'm going to assume Mrs. Beeham is Clarence's wife rather than mother, but I really don't know what they were going for with her.
- Get rid of the foam dice??? Who are you and what have you done with Laverne DeFazio???
- All that setup and we get a "Hiya, girls"?! This is Season Two, what is wrong with you, Winter & Starsky & Hutch???
- The Gazelle sisters. Um, OK. And I'm guessing it's not bottle-capping that they're fast at.
- "The guys do a 'Ronnie,' " because it's still a strange term that must be in quotes. And we get another Ronnie later.
- OK, it's kind of sexy that the boys are so "authoritative," like Squiggy knowing how to fix Shirley's zipper in Season One. They girls are impressed by them, for a change.
- Squiggy really wants Shirley to buy the car, although he of course has ulterior motives.
- The boys aren't really necessary to this scene, but it's nice to get them into the episode earlier than the filmed version would get them. (As for whether Laverne is necessary to this scene, I'll get into that when I discuss the other draft.)
- If they had kept this scene, they would've needed to tighten up the dialogue about Shirley needing more money, since it goes on too long, for both Laverne's patience and the audience's.
- Aha, the vacation cruise of Season Three is a glimmer in this script. And by then, Shirley won't be so scornful of it.
- It seems like the "cheap feels" line needs a punchline from Laverne.
- Clarence's final line doesn't work, either as logic or humor. It's not like the boys had cell phones, or knew Clarence's phone number. How would they call Clarence that quickly, especially since he's presumably in the shower with "Mother"?
- So far, this script is a fascinating mess, and I'm not sure that the rewrite did it much good, other than somewhat grammatically.
OK I love the use of the boys here. And hah @ the "Gazelle Sisters."
ReplyDeleteYeah, it would've been nice to get them into the scene. I'll talk about this more when I get to the first scene of DSS.
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