"Day of the Porcupine," Scene 4

Act Two opens in the "girls' living room - day," yes, they got the plural possessive correct, kudos:

IT'S THE NEXT MORNING (SATURDAY).  SHIRLEY IS ALREADY DRESSED AND READY TO GIVE LAVERNE HER LESSON.  SHE'S ALSO PREPARED COFFEE.

SHIRLEY

(CALLING OFF) Laverne.  hurry up.  Coffee's getting cold.  I want you to be wide awake for your lesson.

LAVERNE COMES OUT IN A NIGHTGOWN.  SHE HAS A THERMOMETER IN HER MOUTH.  SHE APPROACHES SHIRLEY FROM BEHIND, VERY TENTATIVELY.

LAVERNE

Shirl?

SHIRLEY

(SEEING HER IN NIGHTGOWN) Laverne, what are you doing?  We have to leave!

LAVERNE

(TALKING WITH THERMOMETER IN MOUTH) I can't.  I'm sick!

SHIRLEY

You have a temperature?

LAVERNE

Yeah!  (TAKES THERMOMETER OUT AND LOOKS AT IT)  A hundred and scared!

SHIRLEY

Laverne!!

LAVERNE

Listen, Shirl. I've been thinking about this and...

SHIRLEY

Don't say what I think you're going to say.

LAVERNE

Okay.  I won't say it.  (SHE STARTS OFF BACK TO THE BEDROOM)

SHIRLEY

(CALLING AFTER HER) Then I'll say it.  You're acting like a complete idiot!

LENNY AND SQUIGGY BURST IN.

SQUIGGY

Hello!

LENNY

Is Laverne ready to La-learn to La-drive??  [Underlines handwritten]

THE GUYS LAUGH.

SHIRLEY

(CALLING OFF SO LAVERNE CAN HEAR) No!  My friend, Laverne DeFazio, is a quitter!  [Periods hand-changed to exclamation points.]

LAVERNE (O.S.)

(YELLING BACK) I'm not quitting.

SHIRLEY

(YELLING) Then what are you doing?

LAVERNE (O.S.)

(YELLING) I'm just not starting.

SQUIGGY

(TO SHIRLEY) I seen this happen before.  Typical case of steering wheel fright.

LENNY

it all has to do with something missing in the inner ear!  But we know how to cure it.

SHIRLEY

How?

SQUIGGY

Well, ya walk up to ["the" inserted] inner ear very calmly...you look in there and you scream - Get in that car and drive, clown!!!

LAVERNE ENTERS FROM THE BEDROOM STILL DRESSED IN NIGHTGOWN.

LENNY

Where you gonna drive to...Dream Land?

THE GUYS LAUGH.

LAVERNE

Yeah.  Come along...I'll drop you off in nightmare alley...

SQUIGGY

(HURT) C'mon Len.  It's obvious [crossed out and replaced by "oblivious"] our expertise is no longer required!

LENNY

Yeah.  Let's go somewhere where it is... (LOOKS AT HIS WATCH)  ...the pool hall should be open by now!

THEY EXIT.

LAVERNE

Shirl, face up to it...I can never learn to drive!

SHIRLEY

That's silly!  What about the time you said you could never, never ever learn to do the Cha Cha, and then a month later you won the silver banana at the Dance-o-thon?

LAVERNE

That's all very nice, Shirl, but what you're forgetting is that on the way to that silver banana there was a lot of tripping and falling and stepping on people's feet.

SHIRLEY

So?

LAVERNE

So, if I make the same kind of mistakes in driving, I'm not going to wind up with a silver banana.  I'm going to wind up with a plastic neck brace.

SHIRLEY

Laverne, everybody goes through the same thing when they're driving.  Trust me.  You'll do all right.

LAVERNE

I don't want to do it, Shirl.  Everyone's gonna honk at me.

SHIRLEY

I'll put a sign in the back window that says, "Driver In Training.  Proceed At Your Own Risk".

LAVERNE

Make the sign read, "Laverne DeFazio Driving...Hit the Dirt!", and I'll do it !

SHIRLEY

Laverne.  In this hour of pessimism, negativity and faithlessness, I have only one thing to say to you.

SHE GOES TO THE CLOSET, TAKES SOMETHING DOWN AND COMES BACK TO LAVERNE.  SHE HOLDS THE THING IN FRONT OF HER.  IT'S THE SILVER BANANA.

SHIRLEY (CONT'D)

(READING INSCRIPTION ON BANANA) To Laverne DeFazio..and her feet!  They never gave up!

SHIRLEY BEGINS TO SING A "CHA-CHA" BEAT.

LAVERNE

Cut it out, Shirl!

SHIRLEY CONTINUES...

LAVERNE

(BEGINNING TO FALL UNDER THE SPELL) That's not fair, Shirl...

LAVERNE BEGINS TO SWAY TO THE BEAT.  SHIRLEY CONTINUES...

LAVERNE (CONT'D)

(DANCING MORE) You know how to get to me Feeny [sic]!  All right...I'll do it...I'll do it!

AS SHIRLEY CONTINUES, LAVERNE BEGINS CHA-CHA-ING TOWARD THE BEDROOM...ONCE OUT OF SIGHT, SHIRLEY BREATHES A SIGH OF RELIEF AND ABSENT-MINDEDLY PEELS THE SILVER BANANA, WHICH IS INDEED A REAL BANANA PAINTED SILVER.  SHE TAKES A BITE OUT OF IT.

Thoughts:

• Now we're four scenes into this and it still hasn't really gotten going, although there are some interesting moments along the way.
• If McKean & Lander did punch up their part of this scene, I can't say they improved it, "oblivious" aside, since the boys are telling and laughing at jokes too pathetic even for them.  At least there's an actual Hello Moment this time, unlike in the first scene.
• I have a hard time believing Laverne was ever afraid to dance.
• Silver.  Banana.  Which has been in the closet who knows how long before Shirley eats it.