"Day of the Porcupine," Scene 2

We go to the "girl's [sic] living room - day":

THEY ARE JUST RETURNING.  LAVERNE ENTERS FIRST.  SHIRLEY IS RIGHT ON HER HEELS AND REMAINS SO FOR THE FIRST FEW BEATS.  LAVERNE KEEPS TURNING TO GET AWAY FROM SHIRLEY BUT SHIRL KEEPS POPPING UP IN FRONT OF HER.

SHIRLEY

(PLEADING) Please...

LAVERNE

No!!

SHIRLEY

Please...

LAVERNE

No!!!  Will you stop pleasing???

SHIRLEY

No!!!  Laverne, I just don't understand this.  By the time your vacation comes around, you'll have enough money for the trip, so what's the problem?

LAVERNE

(UNEASY, LIKE SHE'S HIDING SOMETHING) I don't know, Shirl.  It just doesn't seem like a good idea.

SHIRLEY

How can it not [underline handwritten in] be a good idea to have our own car?

LAVERNE

It just isn't.  So many things can happen.

SHIRLEY

Like what?

LAVERNE

Oh, like forgetting where you parked in a strange neighborhood, or running out of gas on the highway.

SHIRLEY

(NOT BUYING THIS) Laverne...

LAVERNE

Well, what about all the enemies you make when everyone starts asking you to borrow it?

SHIRLEY

Laverne, what's the real reason?

LAVERNE

What real reason?

SHIRLEY

The real reason why you keep looking for crazy reasons not to get this car.

LAVERNE

Oh, that real reason.

SHIRLEY NODS.  LAVERNE SUMMONS HER COURAGE, THEN, 

LAVERNE

Shirl, the real reason is...  No, I can't say it...  I'm too embarrassed.

SHIRLEY

Laverne!

LAVERNE

The real reason is... Can't we talk about this later?

SHIRLEY

Laverne!

LAVERNE

Okay.  The real reason is: I can't drive.

SHIRLEY

I know you don't have a driver's license, but you can learn!

SHIRLEY

Yeah.

LAVERNE

Remember how every time he was in some high place he would start to get weird?

SHIRLEY

Uh huh.

LAVERNE

Well, I've got auto-go!  Every time I try to drive a car I get weird.  Driving scares me!

SHIRLEY

You can overcome that!

LAVERNE

No, Shirl.  I can't.  I tried learning in an empty lot once and I almost got sick.

SHIRLEY
Laverne, are you sure it's that bad?

LAVERNE

Shirl, remember the time I had that nightmare about the giant thing that crushed me and trampled me and left me all in little pieces, and I told you it was a monster?

SHIRLEY

Yeah?

LAVENE

That monster was a Buick.

SHIRLEY

Well, I guess that rules out your driving.

LAVERNE

Yeah, I'm sorry, Shirl.  It's just one of those things.

SHIRLEY

But it doesn't mean you can't own a car.

LAVERNE

Huh?

SHIRLEY

Look.  We go just about every place together, anyway, so instead of me doing half the driving and you doing half the driving, I'll do all the driving.

LAVERNE

But what about the times I want to do something that you don't want to do?

SHIRLEY

I'll drive you.

LAVERNE

Wherever I want to go?

SHIRLEY

Wherever you want to go

LAVERNE

No you won't.  You'll get sick of it in a week!

SHIRLEY

I wouldn't.  You have my word.  I'll take you wherever you want to go.  It'll be just like driving without having to drive.

LAVERNE

(STARTING TO COME AROUND) Yeah?  Wherever I want to go???

SHIRLEY

I promise.

LAVERNE

Could I sit in back and say, "Home, Shirley!"?

SHIRLEY

(SHOWING SOME HESITANCY) Ahhh... all right, but I'm not gonna wear a hat.

LAVERNE

Okay...okay.

SHIRLEY

Then you'll go halfsies with me?

LAVERNE

I guess so.  It's against my better judgment, but I will...

SHIRLEY

Great!  You won't regret this.

HUGS LAVERNE AND THEN GOES TO THE PHONE.

LAVERNE

Who you calling?

SHIRLEY

Mr. Beeham.  I'm gonna tell him we're buying "Little Rollo!"

LAVERNE

Yeah, you do that.  (TAKES A STEP AND THEN STOPS)  Little Rollo???

Thoughts:

• This scene is definitely less marked up, which I think lends support to my Starsky & Hutch = Lander & McKean theory, since they would be more interested in working on a scene with the boys.
• Again, if this scene had made it in, it would've needed a lot of trimming, this time because it takes so long to get to Laverne's not terribly shocking secret.
• Laverne sure has a wide range of fears for someone so tough.
• Well, Shirley offering to chauffeur Laverne around is probably not the solution you would expect, based on the filmed episode, or the characters as established, but we'll see how that works out in future scenes.
• Little Rollo???