"Day of the Porcupine," Scene 3

We're in the "girl's [sic] living room - early evening":

LAVERNE IS ON THE PHONE.

LAVERNE

(INTO PHONE) Don't be silly, Pop... I'll [hand underlined] pick up Uncle Fungi...Look, it's no trouble at all... Shirley'll drive me over to the bus station.

THE DOOR OPENS, SHIRLEY ENTERS CARRYING A LOAD OF DRY CLEANING.  SHE'S FOLLOWED BY CARMINE WHO IS CARRYING TWO FULL SACKS OF GROCERIES.  SHIRLEY HANGS CLOTHES IN CLOSET, GOES TO COUCH, COLLAPSES, EXHAUSTED.  CARMINE TAKES GROCERIES TO COUNTER.

LAVERNE (CONT'D)

(INTO PHONE) Pop?... Pop, why are you screaming?...Lenny and Squiggy are playing catch with a pizza?...Why don't you stop them?...Oh, they're playing monkey in the middle...And you're the monkey...Right...Bye, Pop...(HANGS UP)

LAVERNE WALKS OVER TO SHIRLEY.

SHIRLEY

(EXHAUSTED) Laverne, as long as you're up, fix me a Bosco...I'm bushed!

LAVERNE

No time for Bosco!  You've got to take me to the bus station.

SHIRLEY

(MOANING) Awwwwww!  It's always time for Bosco.

LAVERNE

C'mon...I gotta pick up my Uncle Fungi.

SHIRLEY MOANS AGAIN.  CARMINE COMES OVER.

SHIRLEY

(TURNING ON AS MUCH CHARM AS SHE CAN MUSTER) Carmine...Would you take her please???  I've been running around all day...I'm exhausted!

CARMINE

Sorry Angel Face...I gotta be at the dance studio in ten minutes.  (DOES A SMALL DANCE STEP)

LAVERNE

(TO SHIRLEY) You're not gonna take me?

SHIRLEY

I didn't say that... C'mon Carmine, can't you be a little late?

CARMINE

Hey.  No way... Don't put me in the middle.  I'm not the one who made stupid promises to my roommate!

SHIRLEY

Thanks a lot, Carmine!  You can forget the tip for carrying the bags!

LAVERNE HAS BEEN TAKING ALL OF THIS IN.

LAVERNE

I knew it!  I knew this would happen, Shirley!  You and your... (LIKE SHIRLEY) I'll take you anywhere you want, Laverne... And me, fool that I am...  (OVERLY SWEET) Okay...That's peachy...Here's three hundred dollars...What a fool I am!!!

SHIRLEY

Laverne, please.  Be understanding... When I said I'd take you everywhere, I didn't say I'd like it... I said I'd do it... Now I'm just exercising my right to not like it...

LAVERNE

Well, now that you did that, you better exercise your responsibility to do it, or I'll give you a right, (SHAKES FIST AT SHIRLEY) and you won't like it...

SHIRLEY

Laverne, I can't go on like this.  I've been driving you around so much lately, I don't feel like your roommate...I feel like your employee!!

LAVERNE

I just knew this would happen!  I knew you wouldn't live up to your part of the bargain!

SHIRLEY

And you were right.  So it looks like we're going to have to do something I thought we'd never have to do.

LAVERNE

You mean sell the car.

SHIRLEY

No.  Teach you how to drive.

ON LAVERNE'S REACTION WE: 

FADE OUT

Thoughts:

• "Uncle Fungi" was previously spelled with an E at the end.
• Oh, those mischievous boys!
• So it's not just Lenny who likes Bosco.
• Laverne is really pushing Shirley around, and threatening violence, in this version.
• And Shirley is tipping Carmine for favors, like everyone is motivated by money in this episode.
• Carmine, as far as we know, doesn't even have a roommate to make stupid promises to.
• Shirley being Laverne's chauffeur was doomed from the start, and it means that here we are at the end of Act One, and the episode still hasn't really got going.