"Dating Slump," Scenes 2 and 3

We go to the apartment, "later that night":

SHIRLEY IS WORKING ON A CLAY SCULPTURE.  SHE IS TRYING TO GET DUANE THE CANARY TO SIT STILL.

SHIRLEY

Duane, you turn your back on me once more and I start plucking feathers.  Now, that's better...  Duane, you know I was just kidding, coo, coo, coo.

She's much less threatening onscreen, where she tells the other canary, Eddy, to get out of the way and she'll do him in watercolors next.

Onscreen, they had to add that Carmine was back from New York as the Golden Gloves champion, since we didn't get that information from the missing scene.  And Shirley thinks she's going to the ball game with Carmine, and assumes that his legs are broken when Laverne says he can't go.  On the other hand, after Shirley asked about Carmine's face, there was this in the script:

SHIRLEY

...Is his nose still there?

LAVERNE

He seemed fine, but...

SHIRLEY

(HOLDING UP THE SCULPTURE) Do you think I've captured Duane's beak?

In the script, Shirley "starts to twist the clay in her hands" after Laverne tells her that "love" was Carmine's "exact words."  So then Laverne asks, "Why'd you take Duane's head off?", after Shirley says she's happy for Carmine.

Shirley is more visibly upset onscreen when Carmine comes by, so Laverne offers to tell Carmine that Shirley is in the tub, but Shirley says she can handle this.

This is how it goes in the script:

LAVERNE OPENS THE DOOR.  THERE'S CARMINE WITH A NICE GIRL.

LAVERNE

HI, Carmine.

CARMINE

Hey, good, you're still up.

SHIRLEY

Hello, Carmine, and you must be Miss New York.

 CARMINE

Shirley, Laverne, meet Rhonda.

RHONDA

(READING THE SITUATION) Hi, it's so nice to meet you, but maybe we've come at a bad moment.

LAVERNE

(TRYING TO GET RID OF THEM) Yeah, Shirley has to finish a project for class and I was just getting ready for bed.

RHONDA

I asked Carmine to call first.  We can come back another time.

LAVERNE

That might be better.

SHIRLEY

(EXPANSIVE AND PHONY) Nonsense!  What kind of person would I be if I turned away my dearest friend and his newest acquaintance?  Come in, come in, Rhonda.  Sit down and be comfortable.  Remember, what's mine is yours.

LAVERNE REACTS.

CARMINE

That's my Shirl... Rhonda, if there's anything you want to know about me, just ask Shirl.  She knows me better than anyone.

SHIRLEY

How sweet.

CARMINE

Laverne, let's get something to eat.

LAVERNE

Why?

CARMINE

So they can be alone for a second.  They'll get to know each other better.

LAVERNE

(HEADS FOR KITCHEN)  Okay.  I think I got some farmer cheese left over from this morning.

CARMINE

(TO SHIRLEY) Tell her about how we knew each other since the eighth grade.  (GOES TO LEAVE BUT STOPS)  I told her a lot about you, Shirl.  Tell her about you, Rhonda.  Shirl can tell you about herself too.  You both...

SHIRLEY

(SCREAMS) Carmine!

CARMINE

I'll try the farmer cheese.

CARMINE GOES TO THE KITCHEN.  ANGLE ON SHIRLEY AND RHONDA AND SILENCE.  SHIRLEY HAS THE SCULPTURE IN HER HAND.

SHIRLEY

Well, here we are.

RHONDA

Yeah...  I couldn't help but notice, you sculpt.

SHIRLEY

Oh, I dabble a bit.  But let's not talk about me.  Laverne tells me you two met at the fights.  A bit savage for my tastes.

RHONDA

Oh, I agree.  But my brother was fighting.  I was worried he'd get hurt.

SHIRLEY

I was always worried about Carmine getting hurt.

RHONDA

Well, stop worrying.  Carmine's going to get a regular job, now.

SHIRLEY

Oh.

RHONDA

Yeah, he's gonna become a dancing teacher at Ellen Cooper's Ballroom Basics Studio.  He's very good at it.  Very graceful.

SHIRLEY

I've been telling him to do that for years, and you just mentioned it and...  Lovely, very lovely.  I wonder why he just changed his mind?

RHONDA

Oh, I don't know.

SHIRLEY

I'll bet... Well, tell me about yourself, my dear, do you work?

RHONDA

Oh yes, I'm an information girl for the telephone company.

SHIRLEY

Isn't that fascinating.

RHONDA

You don't like me, do you?

SHIRLEY

(TAKEN ABACK, STAMMERS) What!  Oh, of course, I like you.  I love information girls.  Four-one-one, I know you by heart.

RHONDA

Carmine told me so many nice things about you.  I really hoped we could be friends...  Carmine, I'm really tired from the trip. Let's go.

CARMINE

One second.  I like to empty my plate.

LAVERNE

And our refrigerator.

RHONDA STANDS.  SHIRLEY KNOWS SHE IS WRONG.  SHE BRINGS OVER THE SCULPTURE.

SHIRLEY

Rhonda, I like you.  I guess I just felt that... you see I...

RHONDA

I understand.  I'm sure I'd feel the same way.

SHIRLEY

(NICE) You know I'm really just a beginner at this sculpture thing.

RHONDA

Well, it's a good beginning.  I mean, it looks like modern art.

SHIRLEY

If you want, maybe you'll come to class with me.

RHONDA

I'd like that.

CARMINE AND LAVERNE WALK OVER.

CARMINE

Thanks for the food.  Good night, Laverne, good night, Shirley.  (TO RHONDA) Let's get moving, Angel Face.

RHONDA WAVES AND EXITS TO A SHOCKED LAVERNE AND SHIRLEY.

CARMINE (CONT'D)

She really wants you to like her.

LAVERNE

Oh, we do.  We do.

CARMINE EXITS.

The only parts of that that made it onscreen were Carmine being glad the girls were still up, him becoming a dance instructor (at Marjorie Ward's Ballroom Basic and Advanced Dance Studio), and him calling Rhonda "Angel Face."  (Which I believe was not capitalized in previous scripts.)  Even the food Laverne offers is different in the filmed version.

In the script, Laverne just calls the now absent Rhonda a floozy and a bimbo, rather than the string of insults she offers on camera.  And Shirley's reaction, and Laverne's response to that, are different in the script:

SHIRLEY

Don't be ridiculous.  She seemed like a nice girl.

LAVERNE

Of course, that's part of the act.  To get at his money, she'd even be nice.

SHIRLEY

Carmine has no money.  I think she's a terrific girl and probably the best thing that could have happened to him.

LAVERNE

Yeah, I think so, too.

The part about Shirley asking why Laverne said those things about Rhonda, and Laverne replying that she wanted to be on Shirley's side, were kept.  The stuff about Rhonda's height and age were added and then there's a little time skip.

In the script, Shirley has the clay ball in her hand as she and Laverne walk into the bedroom.  The next scene is "continuous action," so the girls aren't dressed for bed as they are onscreen.

THE GIRLS ENTER.  SHIRLEY PUTS DOWN CLAY AND TURNS DOWN HER BED.

LAVERNE

Shirl, honest, how do you feel about Carmine's having a girl friend?  [Yes, there's a space in "girlfriend."]

SHIRLEY

Well, actually seeing him standing there with another girl... made me sick.

The transitional dialogue onscreen is Laverne's "Come on, Shirl."  In both versions she says that Shirley never loved Carmine in the sense of " 'I love you' love."  This was left out, after Shirley says she always thought she'd be the one to find someone first:

LAVERNE

Yeah, that would have been better.

SHIRLEY

I think they're right for each other.  I'm really happy for him.

They omitted the following, after Laverne says Shirley passed up a lot of dates because she had "good ole Carmine":

SHIRLEY

Carmine had nothing to do with my saying no.  I only go on dates when there is obviously a chance for a meaningful relationship.

LAVERNE

Those guys come along about twice a year...  if you're lucky.

SHIRLEY

It's worth waiting.

LAVERNE

Shirl, you can't always tell about a guy right away.  It can't always be love at first sight.  Some guys grow on you.  You expect bells right away.

SHIRLEY

You wait for bells - you get bells.

LAVERNE

You don't understand the secret of dating.  if you don't mingle you stay single.

SHIRLEY

You mean, I'm, all of a sudden, supposed to just lower my standards?

In the script, Howie Ratskin slept outside their door all night, rather than the three nights in a row of the filmed version.  Also, they added him writing "I love you, Laverne" all over his sister's face.

Also in the script, Laverne says of sitting at home without a date, "You start moping, staring at the walls.  You talk back to the television.  You fall apart," while onscreen she resorted to strip solitaire.

Shirley's speech about defying loneliness was added.  In the script, she picks up the clay and says she has her hobbies.  Then she "slaps the clay into Laverne's hand."  So after Shirley exits, "Laverne throws clay at bathroom door."  Shirley says, "I heard that hostility."  Laverne predicting Shirley will do some pretty weird things was added, as a segue to Shirley taking apart the telephone in the next scene.

Thoughts:

• I prefer the opening of this scene onscreen because, one, Shirley is less hostile, and two, it includes Eddy as well as Duane.  (I'm going to assume "One Flew Over Milwaukee" was filmed by then, since it aired two weeks after this script.)
• There's definitely more about Shirley's sculpting in the script, while onscreen she forgets about it once Laverne starts sharing the news about Carmine.
• There's a tense, brittle, almost Bette Davis in All About Eve quality to Shirley in the way she interacts with Rhonda in the script.  I can picture Davis on "What kind of person would I be if I turned away my dearest friend and his newest acquaintance?"  A bit of this comes through onscreen, but much less.
• On the other hand, Rhonda reads the situation and yet must know how it hurts Shirley to hear that Rhonda got him to quit boxing for dance instruction.  So that has a slightly Anne Baxter in All About Eve feel.  (I guess in this scenario, Carmine is Gary Merrill, and Laverne is Thelma Ritter and/or Celeste Holm.)
• Onscreen, both Carmine and Rhonda are oblivious to what Shirley feels.  Well, he's pretty clueless in the script, too.
• I have never heard of farmer cheese before.  It looks like it's similar to ricotta.
• So Carmine and Shirley met in the eighth grade?  We know that canonically they dated all through high school, but I was never clear if they knew each other as far back as the Core Four all do.  This script suggests he's a relative newcomer to that group.
• If they had kept Rhonda working for the phone company, that might've explained Shirley dismantling the phone, which is not actually in the script.  (But now I guess it's subtext.)
• Wow, Rhonda just straight out says she can tell Shirley doesn't like her!  That's a bit much, but it does give an extra layer to the scene.
• Oh, Shirl, it made you sick?  Arm-pat.
• We get additional insights into the girls' different dating philosophies.
• And, yes, what a missed Hello Moment, both from a humor standpoint and a shipping moment, Laverne's "It can't always be love at first sight.  Some guys grow on you" could've been.
• This is one of those scenes that doesn't quite work in the script but I nonetheless find fascinating, in an alternative universe sort of way.

"Dating Slump," Scene 1

"It's in the Water" would air the week after "Dating Slump," but the Final Draft for the latter would be submitted four days after the Revised Shooting Script for the former, on March 8, 1976, cutting it really close.  Let's see if there was a lot to edit in three weeks or less.

We start at the Pizza Bowl, in the "early evening":

LAVERNE SERVES A PIZZA TO A TABLE.  SQUIGGY AND LENNY ENTER FROM BOWLING ALLEY WITH A SIGN THEY MADE, "WELCOME BACK, THE BIG RAG."  THEY OBVIOUSLY MADE THE SIGN AND RAN OUT OF ROOM.  LENNY IS CARRYING THE SIGN.  SQUIGGY HAS A HAMMER AND NAILS AND IS LEADING THE WAY, MOVING PEOPLE OUT OF THE WAY.

SQUIGGY

Hey you, out of the way.  Clear a path.  What's a matter with you people?

THEY STOP AT THE COUNTER AND PREPARE TO NAIL THE SIGN TO IT.  LENNY IS PLACING IT IN POSITION.

SQUIGGY (CONT'D)

You got it upside down, stupid.

LAVERNE RUSHES OVER.  SHE IS IN A BAD MOOD TO BEGIN WITH.

LAVERNE

Are you two crazy?  You can't do that.

LENNY

Sure we can.  It's easy.

SQUIGGY

Yeah, two nails here and a couple over here...

LAVERNE

You'll block the register.

SQUIGGY

That's the idea.  That way Carmine will see it for sure.

SQUIGGY STARTS TO HAMMER AND LAVERNE PULLS THE HAMMER OUT OF HIS HAND.  SQUIGGY BANGS HIS HAND ON THE COUNTER.

SQUIGGY (CONT'D)

Ouch!  What did you do that for?

LENNY

You know Carmine's coming back from New York today.

SQUIGGY

Yeah, he won the golden gloves and the guys are throwing him a little party.  We figured if we didn't, he'd hit us.

LAVERNE

Look guys, I think it's terrific that Carmine won but hang the sign in the bowling alley.  Not on my register.

SQUIGGY

Then how's Carmine gonna see it?

LAVERNE POINTS TO SIGN.

LAVERNE

He won't but you'll be better off if he doesn't.  I don't think he's gonna like being called the Big Rag.

LAVERNE HANDS SQUIGGY HIS HAMMER.  LENNY AND SQUIGGY START FOR BOWLING ALLEY.

LENNY

I told you someone would notice.

SQUIGGY

(POINTS TO SIGN) Well, how was I supposed to know when I started over here, I wouldn't have enough room all the way over there.

LENNY

Don't worry.  Carmine will know who we mean.

SQUIGGY

Maybe he'll like it better.

LENNY AND SQUIGGY EXIT.  THE PHONE RINGS.  LAVERNE PICKS IT UP.

LAVERNE

Yeah...  Okay, Pop...  I know that's no way to answer a phone...  Do I have to?  Alright.  Good evening, De Fazio's Pizza Bowl.  May I help you?...  It's not too sexy...  Everything's going fine, enjoy your vacation.

LAVERNE HANGS UP AND FROWNS.  A SAILOR (BILLY) WITH S.P. PATCH ON ARM WALKS BY.

SAILOR

Hey, what's the matter?  A beautiful girl like you should never look so unhappy.

SAILOR WINKS AND EXITS.  LAVERNE BEAMS.

LAVERNE

I don't know why, but I feel a hundred percent better.

CARMINE ENTERS.  HE HAS A BANDAGE ON HIS FACE AND HE IS BEAMING.  LAVERNE SEES HIM.

CARMINE

Hey, Laverne, the Big Ragoo returns triumphant.

LAVERNE

Welcome back.  There's a party for you in the other room.

CARMINE

Is Shirley in there?  I got some big news to tell her.

LAVERNE

No.  Shirley's at her new sculpture class.  She decided to do something cultural.

CARMINE

That's nice.

LAVERNE

Yeah.  She was gonna take up painting, but the fumes make her sick.  What's your big news?

CARMINE

It's about something that happened to me in New York.

LAVERNE

Did you catch something?

CARMINE

No, I... can we talk privately?

LAVERNE

Sure.  (SHE DOESNT MOVE, JUST YELLS TO PEOPLE NEAR HER) Hey, move over there.

PEOPLE MOVE.

LAVERNE (CONT'D)

Okay, we're private.

CARMINE

Well, Laverne, I fell in love.

LAVERNE

(REACTS)  You're not punchy or anything, are you?

CARMINE

I'm serious, Laverne.  She's flying in tonight.  You're gonna love her.  She's a lot like Shirley only she's crazy about me.

LAVERNE

Shirley doesn't know about this, uh, development.

CARMINE

No.  She's a girl from Milwaukee who was in New York to watch her brother fight.  We met right after I beat him.

LAVERNE

Did you kiss her with your mouthpiece in?

CARMINE

Only once... (THEN) Shirley always said I'd find someone who was crazy about me.  I can't wait to tell her.  She'll be so happy for me.

LAVERNE

Oh yeah.  She'll be thrilled.

SQUIGGY AND LENNY ENTER FROM BOWLING ALLEY.

SQUIGGY

Hey, Carmine.  How you doing, Champ?

LENNY

Come with us.  We're throwin' a party for you.

THEY START FOR THE BOWLING ALLEY.

CARMINE

That's nice of you guys.

SQUIGGY

We'd do anything for the Big Rag.

CARMINE

You mean the Big Ragoo.

LENNY

Big Rag sounds better, doesn't it, Squiggy?

SQUIGGY

Oh yeah, much better.  Nobody knows what a ragoo is.

THEY EXIT.  THE PHONE RINGS.  LAVERNE ANSWERS IT.

LAVERNE

(INTO PHONE) Yeah...  (REACTS)...   Aw, Pop, not again.  (THEN) Good evening, De Fazio's Pizza Bowl.

Thoughts:

• This entire scene was omitted and the filmed episode starts with Scene 2, which is also pretty expository but less detailed.  However, I like the idea of the audience as well as Laverne hearing the news from Carmine himself.
• It's a little surprising to see Lenny and Squiggy come into an episode that early, at least at this point, where we were a long way from boys-centered episodes.  The stuff with the sign is cute but would've had to have been trimmed and punched up if this scene had been kept.
• It's unclear why Laverne is "in a bad mood to begin with."  Does she resent her pop going on vacation and leaving her in charge of the Pizza Bowl?  Maybe she already had plans.
• The stuff with Pop offscreen scolding Laverne about the way she answers the phone is also cute.
• I don't know what is up with the random sailor (and why does he get a name and Raunchy Girl "A" does not?), but it's, yes, cute.
• This script reminds us that Season-One Carmine had a California-Rhonda-like habit of sometimes referring to himself in the third person.
• Why is Laverne's first thought that Carmine caught something in New York?  (Like V.D. or just a cold?)
• Laverne again is able to make people move just through her voice.  (I guess she inherits that from her pop.)
• That's actually pretty revealing that the appeal of this new girl (who happens to be named Rhonda, as we'll learn in the next scene) is that she's crazy about Carmine.  Which Shirley I guess was not, at least in his opinion.
• OK, I laughed at him kissing with his mouthpiece in.
• Overall, I can see why this was cut, but I like it.

"It's in the Water," Scenes J and K

We go to the Beer Tasting Room, at "night":

SHIRLEY IS SITTING IN A CHAIR AT THE TABLE, GOING OVER SOME PAPERS.  SHE'S A LITTLE TIPSY AND HAS A BEER CAN IN HER HAND.  SEVERAL MORE BEER CANS ARE ON THE TABLE.  GESSLER IS PACING AROUND, WATCHING SHIRLEY BUSILY AT WORK.  SHIRLEY IS A LITTLE TIPSY.  [Yes, that's in there twice.]

SHIRLEY

Why can't I use a glass?

GESSLER

Because we're trying to find out if the beer gets a metallic taste from the can.

SHE DRINKS AGAIN.

GESSLER (CONT'D)

Good.  All the way to the bottom.  That's the only way to be sure.

SHIRLEY

Nothing wrong with that can.

GESSLER

Fine, fine, Shirley.  You've really gotten the hang of this job very quickly.

SHIRLEY IS BUSILY WRITING DOWN HER FINDINGS.  GESSLER MOVES BEHIND SHIRLEY'S CHAIR.  HE BENDS OVER AND PLAYS WITH HER HAIR.

GESSLER (CONT'D)

I just love your handwriting.  Phew, beer drinking sure makes you warm.

HE TAKES OFF HIS JACKET.

SHIRLEY

Yes, it is a little close in here.  I think that first batch was particularly skunky.

The filmed scene starts with Shirley remarking on the skunky beer.

They left out Shirley's line after Gessler says he's pleased with her work, "Really?  I think beer tasting is a very important job.  I mean, just think.  We're the only thing standing between the vats and the people."  And then he remarked, "That's very good.  You've got a grasp on the big picture."

In the script, Laverne calls Gessler, "You... you... sleezy [sic]... slimey..., [sic]" while onscreen she outright calls him a big bully.

Carmine's "executive position" line was a substitute for the unmemorable, "Hi , girls.  What's up?"  In the script, Laverne says Gessler was "trying to seduce" Shirley, rather than "have his way with her."

Carmine crushing a beer can was added.

The Tag is set in the girls' apartment, at "night," presumably a different night.  In the script, Laverne briefly exits to the bedroom while Shirley is getting the pamphlets about the Omaha Swamp Company, while onscreen Laverne stays on the couch and reads a magazine.  Laverne calls Shirley a "corker" in the script.  The last line was "Sometimes there's oil under swamps," but onscreen it sounds like the girls ad-lib.

Again, just a couple thoughts.  I can see why the opening of Scene J was cut.  It adds to the dim!Shirley they kept writing in Season One, since she should've been suspicious at least by the time Gessler plays with her hair.  And this really is a forgettable script that, sexual harassment aside, is one of the more forgettable episodes of the series, or even of Season One.

"It's in the Water," Scene H

It's the girls' apartment again, but "the next night":

LENNY AND SQUIGGY ARE SITTING AT THE KITCHEN TABLE WITH LAVERNE.  THERE IS A PIZZA BOX ON TABLE.  THEY ARE SHARING A PIZZA.

SQUIGGY

So the plumber says to the coed...  "I don't know, lady, it's your sink."

LAVERNE

Yeah?

SQUIGGY

You don't get it?

LENNY

Of course she don't get it.  You left out the sound effects.

LENNY DOES NOISE.

LAVERNE

I don't wanna hear them.  It was funny.  Ha ha.

LENNY

Thanks for the pizza.  We better get goin'.

The filmed version leaves this out and starts with Laverne thanking the guys for the pizza. 

They omitted Lenny saying, "Bullpies," after Laverne says Shirley was meeting Gessler at the brewery.  Lenny worrying that Laverne is sick and needs to go to the hospital was added.

My main thoughts are that I kind of wish Squiggy's dirty punchline made it in, and I like it better that the filmed boys brought Laverne the pizza to comfort her, rather than her having to feed them. 

"It's in the Water," Scene E

We return to the girls' apartment, "five minutes later - night":

LAVERNE STORMS IN WITH SHIRLEY RIGHT BEHIND.  SHIRLEY FOLLOWS HER IN.

SHIRLEY

Laverne, please calm down.  Can't we talk about this intelligently?

LAVERNE

There's nothing to talk about, Miss Feeney.

SHIRLEY

Don't worry.  You're never gonna have to call me that.  It's a dumb rule.  I'm gonna get it changed.

LAVERNE

Oh, now you can get rules changed.  When are they making you Chairman of the Board?

SHIRLEY

Probably not for years.

LAVERNE

Maybe when you get to the top, you'll send me a postcard.  Just address it to "Common Worker".  They'll find me.

That all got left out.  Shirley originally called her friend "Vernie" when she said she was going to quit tomorrow.

And they omitted the last half page, after Shirley says she and Laverne won't see much of each other for awhile:

LAVERNE

Well, then, let's give ourselves a treat.  Let's go out for dinner.  Someplace nice.  The dinner's on me.

SHIRLEY

No, Laverne, let me pay.

LAVERNE

(CASUAL) All right.  I'll get your money.  It's under the globe where you hid it.

SHE EXITS TO BEDROOM.

SHIRLEY

How did she know that?

Thoughts:

• I don't know if it was established by then that the Pizza Bowl was on the same block as the apartment building, but clearly you can get there in five minutes or less, especially if you're upset.
• I can see why the beginning and end of this scene were trimmed, although I kind of like the "Common Worker" joke and find the "globe" joke weak.
• Overall, it's another forgettable scene in this script.

"It's in the Water," Scenes C and D

It's back to the girls' apartment, "day."  They left out Shirley saying, "If you want I'll put in a good word for you," and Laverne replying, "No, that's okay."  Shirley calling Laverne a good sport was added.  But otherwise, the scene is intact.

Scene D is set at the Pizza Bowl, the "next night."  They left out Shirley mentioning that this is her first week on the job.  This was omitted after Laverne finds out that Shirley ate in the Executive Dining Room:

LAVERNE

Did they have chipped beef on toast?

SHIRLEY

They were out.  They had creamed chicken on noodles... and asparagus.

SHIRLEY GETS UP AND GOES TO JUKEBOX.

SHIRLEY (CON'TD)

I don't want to talk about it.  Let's play some music.  What would you like to hear?

LAVERNE

How'd you get here tonight?

SHIRLEY

Oh, well, I... uh... took a -- (MUFFLED) -- cab.

LAVERNE

You took a what?

SHIRLEY

A... bus.  I took the bus.

LAVERNE

You didn't say "bus".  You said "cab".

SHIRLEY

If I work late, the company pays for it.

LAVERNE

Ahhh, that's great.

This was taken out after Lenny says Shirley is "dressed to the teeth":

SQUIGGY

(TO LENNY) What're you talkin' about, she's only dressed to the neck.

LENNY

That's just an expression, stupid.

SQUIGGY

Well, that's a stupid expression.  "Dressed to the neck".

LENNY

Well, it ain't dressed to the neck -- it's dressed to the teeth.

SQUIGGY

You can't dress your teeth.

SHIRLEY

(FED UP, SCREAMS) Fellas!

THEY STOP ARGUING.

Note that in the script Shirley tells Laverne not to make "that boo-hoo face" rather than the show-specific "boo-boo face."

This was the last bit of the scene, also closing out the act:

SHIRLEY

Laverne... You're gonna show everybody in the street your boo-hoo face?

SHIRLEY FOLLOWS LAVERNE OUT OF THE PIZZA BOWL.  CARMING, SQUIGGY AND LENNY STARE AFTER THEM.

CARMINE

(TO LENNY AND SQUIGGY) Boy, Shirley was really dressed to the teeth.

THEY REACT.

Thoughts:

• The girls definitely don't have a car at this point, although they did on their first HD appearance.
• I sort of like the running gag about "dressed to the teeth," but I can see why it was cut.
• As with the voe-dee-oh-doh (and its various spellings), it's nice to get a prehistory of "boo-boo face."

"It's in the Water," Scene B

We go to the Beer Tasting Room, "later that morning - day."  (Just in case you thought it was later that morning at night.)

This is the description of the sexual harasser:  

WOLFGANG GESSLER, FORTYISH AND BOW-TIED, PROJECTS HIS POMPOUS PRESENCE INTO THE ROOM.  GESSLER, PRIM AND PROPERLY SOUR, POSITIONS HIMSELF AT THE TABLE'S HEAD.

This was mostly left out:

GESSLER

Tilt the glass to the bottle and run the beer gently down the side.  Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, Shotz is but a dream.  Now I want you all to be on the lookout for skunky flavor.

SHIRLEY

Did you say skunky?  I don't understand...

GESSLER

Yes, skunky.  As if to smell or taste like a skunk.  Now, if you will, please observe as I demonstrate the correct procedure.

ALL WATCH AS GESSLER RUNS THROUGH THE STEPS.

GESSLER (CONT'D)

First, sip.  Then, swirl delicately.  Suck air to enhance the flavor.  Then swallow slowly.  The four of S's of beer tasting.

SHIRLEY

Right!!!

LAVERNE JABS SHIRLEY.

GESSLER

Let's see you try it.

ONE BY ONE, UNDER THE SCRUTIZINGING STARE OF GESSLER, THEY PROCEED TO SAMPLE THEIR BREWS.  LAVERNE TAKES A NORMAL MOUTHFUL AND, WITHOUT PRELIMINARIES, SWALLOWS.

Most of the last page was omitted:

LAVERNE

Don't hold this against her.  She's really a great beer drinker.  If she'd just had her farina this morning, it would have stuck to her ribs and soaked up all this stuff.

GESSLER

Stuff?

LAVERNE

Beer... nice beer.

GESSLER

Let's go on with the testing.  Foam is money.

LAVERNE

Can I take the test for both of us?

SHE STARTS GRABBING ALL THE BOTTLES.

LAVERNE (CONT'D)

(DRINKING AND JOTTING) Very good.  Very good.

SHE DRINKS FROM SHIRLEY'S BOTTLE AND JOTS.

LAVERNE (CONT'D)

Skunky.

Thoughts:

• That's a vivid description of Gessler, although the accent is unmentioned.
• Yes, this version included an adaptation of "Row Row Row Your Boat."
• They're back to writing dim!Shirley again.  I think she'd know what "skunky" means after three to five years at Shotz.
• It's sort of sweet that this Laverne wants to take the test for her best friend.
• So far, this script is pretty forgettable.

"It's in the Water," Scene A

On March 5, 1976, a little over a month before "It's in the Water" aired, the Revised Shooting Script was turned in.  Let's see if there are any significant changes.

Act One opens in the girls' living room, "morning."  In the script, "Laverne comes out, puts on her coat, picks up her purse, goes over to couch, lies down," while onscreen she's already lying on the couch.  And Shirley was supposed to "neaten up Laverne while Laverne gets breakfast," but instead Shirley puts on a scarf.

Laverne pouring herself milk & Pepsi was not in the script as a stage direction, although onscreen she pours without comment, and yet it's mentioned in omitted dialogue:

SHIRLEY

It's very important to know those [the four S's].  (BEAT) Look what she has for breakfast.

LAVERNE

I like Pepsi with milk.  It's the breakfast of lumps.  Besides, I gotta have something or I get the growlies all morning.  (PUTTING ON HER COAT) When did you eat?

SHIRLEY

Eat!  I'm too nervous to eat!  

The last part of the dialogue from this scene was done as voiceovers as the girls arrive at work.

My only thought: "The breakfast of lumps."

"Did She or Didn't She?", Tag

It's back to the girls' apartment, at "night."  They added "Que Sera Sera" to the background, and Shirley talking to Stanley, before going into the dialogue from the script.  On the other hand, they understandably took out Laverne's line "There are a lot of Dirty Dougy's in the world."  The girls ' exchange about the double standard was added, I wonder by whom.  And in the script, Doris from bottling went to the PX with a sailor, while it's on board in the filmed episode.

This is the one scene that is relatively more feminist onscreen than in print.  Overall, as I've said, i think Holly Mascott's Final Draft had a lot to offer that didn't make it through to the end, for whatever reason.  Next time, we'll look at another Season One episode where Shirley has to fight off an attacker, and see if the issue of assault is handled any better there....

"A Visit to a Funeral"

On February 27, 1979, the same night that Squiggy was "in love" with Vivian McCafferty, news reached Knapp Street that Fonzie was dead, so Carmine, Lenny, Squiggy, Laverne, and Shirley went to his funeral.  They proceeded to steal the scenery from even Arnold and now it's time to discuss that tragicomedy.

About 17 minutes in, Carmine strolls in first, relatively serious and then he performs a dance tribute to Fonzie.  Screencaps can't do it justice, but on the other hand....

I particularly like the "thumbs" part.  And Howard's reaction is great throughout.

Carmine tells Fonzie's boots, which supposedly are the only part of him that survived an explosion, that he knows that that's the way the Fonz would've wanted it.

There's a brief cutaway to Ralph and Potsie as hostages (which I doubt anyone cares about), and then Lenny & Squiggy enter with a large wreath, which I'm sure they stole.

They hand the wreath to a couple of the villains and approach the casket.  Lenny says that Fonzie's boots died with him off.  Squiggy says, "We'll miss you, Fonz.  You was the nicest guy what ever beat me up."  Lenny looks like he's going to cry.  They join Carmine, standing over by the villains.

And then the girls come in.  The studio audience, which has already been laughing and cheering, goes crazy over them. 

Laverne and Shirley are both in tears, although confused that the body isn't there.  Shirley thinks "the big boss" must've just yanked him out of his boots.  Laverne says she'll never forget Fonzie, because he was the only guy who ever hickeyed his initials on her neck.  Shirley says that's sweet, but she won't let Laverne keep a boot.  Shirley asks if Laverne wants Fonzie to "stand barefoot in that stag line in the sky," and Laverne lets go and says, "No, he'd kill me."

Laverne tries to leave Fonzie her favorite sweater, but Shirley stops her from stripping in this "holy place."  Shirley tears the L off Laverne's sweater and places it on the boots.

The five friends from the working-class side of town come over to the mourners, Carmine patting Shirley's back.  Howard Cunningham introduces "the Widow Fonzarelli," the Fonz in disguise as his own mother.  Lenny sadly asks, "Does she know?", and Laverne elbows him.  Laverne says, "We're very sorry."

The party of five starts to leave but they do some great double-takes, like Could it be...?  Nah!  Then they exit, Carmine and Shirley embracing.

By this point, the Laverne & Shirley cast were so well defined that I assume it was easier to write them in character, and it's a perfect, if odd, set-up to showcase them, although, yeah, Carmine's dance is over te top.  This might actually be my favorite minisode from the HD side of things, although I prefer most of the episodes where Richie interacts with Laverne and Shirley and company on their show.

"Did She or Didn't She?", Scenes 6 and 7

And now it's "day" in the break room, I guess the next day:

SQUIGGY AND A COUPLE OF MALE WORKERS ARE MILLING AROUND.  LAVERNE AND SHIRLEY ENTER.

SHIRLEY

(TO LAVERNE) I can't talk to Squiggy with all these people here.

LAVERNE

(TO SHIRLEY) Don't worry, I'll take care of it.  (LOUDLY) I think it's terrible.  They still didn't fix that hole in the wall.  You can see right into the ladies' room.

EVERYONE, AFTER HEARING LAVERNE, RUNS OUT.

SHIRLEY

Laverne, you amaze me.

LAVERNE EXITS.

LAVERNE

I'm a born leader.

SHIRLEY STOPS SQUIGGY ON HIS WAY OUT WITH OTHERS.  SQUIGGY WAS STALLED FINISHING HIS COKE.

SHIRLEY

(CONTROLLED) Squiggy, I'd like to speak to you.

SQUIGGY

But I'll miss everything.

SHIRLEY

No you won't.  That was just a ruse.

SQUIGGY

Oh, a ruse... What's a ruse.

SHIRLEY

A lie.

SQUIGGY

Why didn't you say so?

That all got cut and we start with S & S talking in the break room, despite the presence of coworkers.  The first part of that exchange is the same, but here's what was removed after Shirley asks why he didn't tell Lenny the truth:

SQUIGGY

Oh.  (PAUSE, THEN) Well, he didn't seem to want to hear the truth.  He was delighted with what he thought.  He's a smutty guy.

SHIRLEY

You actually let him think that you and I...  knew each other... in the Biblical sense?

SQUIGGY

No, right here in the break room.

SHIRLEY

How could you?

SQUIGGY

I'm sorry.  After I did it, I was sorry I did it, but I already did it.  I can't undo it.  It's too late.

SHIRLEY

It's not too late.  So far, only the people in the brewery think it's true.  So you just have to talk to them.

SQUIGGY

I can't.  It will ruin my reputation.

SHIRLEY

YOUR reputation?

SQUIGGY

Sure.  Now girls look at me different.  They look at me.

Onscreen, Squiggy is less sorry, but he does talk about his own reputation being ruined if Shirley's is cleared, although in less detail than in the script.

The announcement about the picnic is from the script, although Squiggy's line about taking Shirley to it is not.

The last page and a half of the scene got dropped:

SHIRLEY

Are you or aren't you going to take back what you said?

SQUIGGY

I aren't.

SHIRLEY

You are incorrigible.

SQUIGGY

Thank you.  I knew you'd see it my way.

SQUIGGY EXITS.

SHIRLEY

Men.  They think the whole world is -- (SOTTO) -- a locker room.

LAVERNE ENTERS

LAVERNE

I just saw Squiggy.  How'd it go?

SHIRLEY

It's no use.  Squiggy won't listen to reason.

ANOTHER ANNOUNCEMENT COMES OVER THE LOUDSPEAKER.

VOICE (O.S.)

Your attention please.  Will Bill Mooney please report back to the loading dock and turn off your fork lift.

SHIRLEY

I've got one more idea.  Let's go get Carmine.

LAVERNE

(HAPPY) Carmine, good idea.  The way he feels about you he'll go crazy.  He'll hit Squiggy in the face until Squiggy either admits he was lying or dies.

SHIRLEY

(STARTS OUTS) I have a more subtle plan than that.

LAVERNE

(FOLLOWS HER) He'll hit him in the stomach?

THEY EXIT.

The next scene is also in the break room, during "day," presumably the same day:

SHIRLEY IS PACING.  OTHER PEOPLE ARE MILLING AROUND. THERE IS A SQUEAL OUTSIDE THE DOOR AND SQUIGGY IS DRAGGED IN BETWEEN LAVERNE AND CARMINE.  LENNY FOLLOWS.

SQUIGGY

Help!  Lenny, do something!

LENNY

I will, I will.  (CARMINE GLARES AT HIM)  But first I gotta tie my shoe.  (BENDS DOWN)

CARMINE SHOVES SQUIGGY INTO A CHAIR IN BACK OF A CART LOADED WITH SOUND EQUIPMENT.

SQUIGGY

What's with all the equipment?  You gonna electrocute me?

CARMINE

We're hooking up this microphone into the Shotz loudspeaker system.

LAVERNE

You're going to tell the entire brewery what you said about Shirley isn't true.

SQUIGGY

I ain't sayin' nothin'.

LENNY

What's going on here?

SHIRLEY

Your friend has been ruining my reputation to beef up his own, that's what.

CARMINE

And that's why he's going to apologize to the whole brewery.  Now make it fast, I gotta get back to work.

SQUIGGY

My lips are sealed.

LAVERNE PUSHES SHIRLEY IN FRONT OF HER.

LAVERNE

Just look at this poor girl.  You've ruined her for this town.  She's going to have to move away and build another life somewhere, maybe out west on the prairie.

CARMINE

Look at her, Squiggy.

SQUIGGY LOOKS GUILTILY UP AND THEN AWAY.

SQUIGGY

I'm real sorry, Shirley.

SHIRLEY

Now tell that to the brewery.

SQUIGGY

I got a better idea.

CARMINE

What?

SQUIGGY

Why don't I go walk in front of a car?

Onscreen, Shirley gives up on reasoning and reluctantly goes to "brute force," i.e. Carmine.  She opens the door on Carmine and Laverne.  Shirley can't watch and hides against Laverne, who wants to watch.  Carmine tries reason and threats.  Carmine saying he doesn't want to hurt Squiggy, and Squiggy saying he fears nothing but the dark are in both versions.  Carmine asking if the witnesses object was added, as was their reaction.

Shirley stops the fight in both versions, but here's the script version:

SHIRLEY

Carmine, don't!

LAVERNE

Maybe we should turn the lights off.

SHIRLEY

Let's just forget the whole thing,  I know what I'm up against.  Laverne, you were right before.  He'll never take it back.  I'll just have to ignore what people think of me.  (STARTS TO HOLD BACK SOBS.)  I'm not going to leave town.  I'll stay here...  and live the rest of my life in disgrace.

THERE IS SILENCE.  CARMING AND LAVERNE COMFORT SHIRLEY. EVERYONE IN THE BREAK ROOM LOOKS ACCUSINGLY AT SQUIGGY.  SHIRLEY IS HOLDING BACK THE TEARS AS BEST SHE CAN,  BUT SHE IS CRYING.

SQUIGGY

Hey, come on, don't cry.  Stop that.  You're making me nervous.

CARMINE

Let me belt him, angel face.

SHIRLEY

(STILL CRYING) No.  It's not the way.  

LAVERNE

Squiggy, leave her alone.  You did enough.

LENNY

You made a girl cry.  Shame on you.

SQUIGGY

Shirley, please, stop crying.  I tell you what, you don't have to pay me the dollar.

SHIRLEY CONTNUES TO CRY.  SQUIGGY GIVES OUT A LONG SIGH.  HE CROSSES BACK TO THE LOUDSPEAKER, TURNS IT ON, SITS DOWN.  HIS WORDS REVERBERATE THROUGH THE SOUND SYSTEM ABOVE.

Onscreen, Lenny enters while Shirley is crying (and Squiggy does say that makes him nervous), and he thinks Squiggy broke Shirley's heart.  Laverne tells Lenny to shut up and explains that Squiggy lied to Lenny.  So the boys argue and Squiggy storms out, saying they all make him stink.  Lenny offers to be best friends with Carmine, who turns him down.  The announcer starts to make another announcement, which Squiggy breathlessly interrupts, to apologize to Shirley, and then to sing "In the Still of the Night."  Lenny does backup in the break room.  Oh, and the announcer cancels his date with Shirley.  This is how it went in the script:

SQUIGGY (CONT'D)

Hello, everybody.  This is Squiggy.  I just wanna say that I never got nowhere with Shirley Feeney.  It was all a ruse.  That means a lie.  She's a real good girl and she didn't do nothin' with me.

THERE IS A BURST OF APPLAUSE FROM THE PEOPLE IN THE BREAK ROOM.  SHIRLEY GOES UP TO HIM.

SHIRLEY

Thank you, Squiggy.  That was very sweet.

SQUIGGY

An' while I got the mike, I'd like to sing a little song.  (SINGS) "You ain't nuttin' but a hound dog, houndin' 'round my door..."

Thoughts:

• As always, Laverne can clear a room, even if "everyone" is just two men.
• The running joke about "ruse" is kind of cute.
• Yes, the irony of Squiggy calling Lenny a smutty guy.  (Not that it's not true.)
• This Squiggy is more contrite than the one onscreen, but he's still not willing to "ruin his own reputation."
• It's cute that Shirley is so demure she can't be blunt with Squiggy about them not "knowing each other Biblically" and she says the phrase "locker room" quietly, when she's alone.
• IF Bill Mooney is a typical Shotz loading dock worker, no wonder the boys had to wait around earlier.
• Onscreen, there's no set-up of the girls getting Carmine, and presumably that happens before Shirley tries to reason with Squiggy.  Laverne's line about Carmine's feelings for Shirley is sweet, even if she means that therefore he'll beat up Squiggy.
• The extras were going to do a lot of milling around.
• I'm not sure which version of Lenny finding out I prefer, maybe onscreen, although there it becomes more about Lenny feeling betrayed that Squiggy lied to him, while in the script he's more sympathetic to Shirley and doesn't make it about himself.  Then again, that backup!
• I just don't see how the stuff with the sound equipment could've worked.  It would've slowed down the scene and raised too many questions, like where it's from (the dance studio?) and how they're so easily plugging into the Shotz loudspeaker.  It's much better to have Squiggy interact with the announcer, especially since it ended up being Harry Shearer.
• Everyone really guilt-trips Squiggy in this version, not that they shouldn't, but saying Shirley will have to leave town is a little extreme.
• I'm going to assume that that's a reference to Little House on the Prairie (which premiered in '74), unless I hear otherwise.
• Squiggy would rather be hit by a car than admit that he hasn't boffed Shirley.
• "Let me belt him, angel face" is one of the Carminiest lines ever written.
• While I'd hesitate to call this episode shippy in terms of S & S, she does in this version call him sweet for apologizing that way.  Their relationship is at least more complex in the script.
• I'm pretty sure that in no previous version of "Hound Dog" did the hound "hound round a door."
• These two scenes are streamlined and blended well onscreen, but I like the scripted version, too.

"Did She or Didn't She?", Scene 5

We're back to the Pizza Bowl, during "day," so it must be the next day:

LENNY IS PLAYING THE DRIVING MACHINE.  LAVERNE ENTERS.  SHE COMES UP TO LENNY.

LAVERNE

Hi, Lenny.

LENNY

Oh, hi, Laverne.

LAVERNE

Don't you usually play this game with Squiggy?

LENNY

Squiggy's busy.  The truck had a flat. So here I am.  I drive alone.

LAVERNE

Why aren't you helping him?

LENNY

I am.  He sent me for a spare.  But I got hungry.  I'm just waiting for my pizza.

LENNY LEAVES THE GAME.  THEY GO TO A TABLE.

LAVERNE

Can I talk to you?

LENNY

Sure.  Lots of people talk to me.  I'm a good shoulder to cry on.

LAVERNE

Shut up, Lenny.  I'm trying to find out something.

Onscreen, L & L talk at the counter and he shows her his injury from the Reserves.  Then she wants to hear the "smutty" gossip at the brewery.   Starting from her asking him why the guys think Shirley is a pushover to Lenny saying he wouldn't have believed it if he hadn't seen it with his own two eyes, it's pretty faithful.  But they left this out.:

LAVERNE

(RAISING HANDS) How many fingers am I holding up?

LENNY

I got 20-20 vison.  20-20 hearing too.  She even thanks him when they were getting dressed in the break room.

In both versions, she says she's going to be sick and he thinks he's jealous, but it's in the script that he suggests, "Maybe the four of us could double date sometime."

Shirley entering in disguise is from the script, but this part is actually better onscreen.  Instead of Laverne immediately recognizing her and bursting out laughing, this is how it went:

LAVERNE

This table's taken, lady.

SHIRLEY

(SOTTO) It's me, Shirley.

LAVERNE DOES A TAKE, THEN STUDIES HER CLOSELY.

LAVENRE

Shirl, where'd you get that wig?

SHIRLEY

At that swap meet last month.  I traded my old toaster for it.

Laverne hesitantly talking to Shirley about the rumor is similar at first in both versions, but the Harpo Marx line was added.  The last page and a half of the scene, after Laverne asks if Shirley is in love with Squiggy, got omitted:

SHIRLEY

I'm going home.  I can't talk to you.  You talk like a foolish person.  I'm in trouble and you're talking gibberish.

LAVERNE

(CUTS HER OFF) Wait a minute.  Lenny thinks he saw the two of you getting dressed in the break room.  That's how this all got started.

SHIRLEY

Getting dressed...?  He was fixing my zipper.  I was drying his shirt.

LAVERNE

Yeah, well Lenny thought different.  And apparently Squiggy let him think so.

SHIRLEY

All right.  Then Squiggy can just set things straight.  I'll go talk to him.  That's what I'll do.

LAVERNE

Forget it, Shirl.  You don't know men.  You can't talk him into taking it back.  Not for a million bucks.

SHIRLEY

Well, I've got to try.  I hate this wig.

LAVERNE

Believe me, the best thing to do is to ride it out.  These things die down.  It was yesterday's rumor. It's probably dying down already.

SHIRLEY

You think so?

LAVERNE

Sure.

SHIRLEY

Maybe you're right.

SHIRLEY HESITANTLY TAKES OFF THE WIG AND THE GLASSES.  ONE GUY SPOTS HER.

GUY

Hey, guys, it's Shirley.

TWELVE GUYS TRY TO PULL UP CHAIRS TO SHIRLEY'S TABLE.  SHIRLEY GETS UP AND RUNS OUT.  LAVERNE FOLLOWS.

Thoughts:

• The driving machine returns!
• The "shoulder" line is probably a throwaway, but it would end up coming true for him and Laverne in some of the best episodes.
• And of course Lenny is going to work the S & S relationship for his own benefit with Laverne.
• I don't like Laverne as much in this scene, with her discouraging Shirley from fighting back against the rumors.  And if they're still talking about Backseat Bonnie, why would the gossip die down about Shirley?
• I can see why they didn't feel the need to have the girls clear things up onscreen, since it's implied, and the thirteen guys chasing Shirley is probably unnecessary, too.

"Did She or Didn't She?", Scene 4

The scenes in Act Two aren't lettered or numbered in the script.  We're back in the girls' living room, at "night":

A LITTLE LATER.  LAVERNE ENTERS FROM THE BEDROOM.  SHE'S CHANGED INTO A DRESS.  THE FRONT DOOR IS THROWN OPEN AND A DISHEVELED, ANGRY SHIRLEY ENTERS.

Shirley looks more frightened than angry onscreen, and she barricades the door.  Laverne trying to get out the line "Well, if isn't Miss Morning Grooming" was added, since she just spits it out in the script.

In the script, Laverne's reaction to Shirley saying she was "attacked" was a calm "That's nice, Shirl," while Laverne laughs scornfully onscreen.  Also, in the script, Laverne waves the air and remarks, "Whew.  It smells like a perfume factory in here."  And then after Shirley says she hit Bobby with her purse, there's this:

SHIRLEY

...(HOLDS IT UP) Luckily my biggest bottle of perfume was inside.  That's what you're smelling.

LAVERNE

You broke a bottle of perfume over his head?

SHIRLEY

It's okay, Vernie.  It only coast a dollar ninety-five at Rector's.

LAVERNE

I was worried about his head.

Onscreen, Laverne is bitter and mocking, but here's what she was like in this version:

LAVERNE

(TRYING TO UNDERSTAND) Shirl, I'm very confused.  Are you telling the truth?

SHIRLEY

Of course.  I never lie to you.

LAVERNE

Well then, I don't know how to tell you this.

SHIRLEY

Tell me what?

LAVERNE

Your image of yourself is not the same as the public's.

SHIRLEY

How do you mean?

LAVERNE

Shirl, you think you're a tortoise but all the guys at work think you're a passion pit.

SHIRLEY

Me?  They're talking about me the way they used to talk about Backseat Bonnie?  Are they crazy?!

LAVERNE

You're telling me it isn't true.

SHIRLEY

You had a doubt?!

LAVERNE

Well... Look, I'm sorry.  It's just that all those guys were calling you.  I lost my head.

SHIRLEY

You mean all those guys called me with that in mind?

Onscreen, Laverne bitterly tells Shirley about the rumor, to the shock of "Shirley 'Wait for the Wedding Night' Feeney."  They kept Laverne's line about Shirley being "the victim of a very strange rumor" and elaborated on Shirley's "Who would start a rumor like that?", with Shirley wondering what kind of idiot would.  The onscreen scene ends there and Hello-ishly segues to Lenny greeting Laverne at the Pizza Bowl.  But here's the last page or so of the scene in the script:

LAVERNE

Don't worry, we'll find him.

SHIRLEY

Not "we".  You.  I'm not stepping one foot out of this apartment with people thinking what they're thinking about me.

LAVERNE

Don't be silly.  You can't stay inside.

THERE'S A KNOCK ON THE DOOR.

SHIRLEY

Who is it?

DOUGY (O.S.)

It's me.  Dougy.

SHIRLEY

(TO LAVERNE)  Dirty Dougy?

DOUGY (O.S.)

Are you in there, Laverne?

LAVERNE

I'm sorry, Dougy.  I just got the measles.  You better go home.

DOUGY (O.S.)

Is Shirley in there?  I hear she's more fun anyway.

LAVERNE

She's not here.

DOUGY (O.S.)

I can't get a break.

SHIRLEY

(WHISPERS TO LAVERNE) Not one foot out of this apartment.

Thoughts:

• I'm just going to say it, I like this version of Laverne better than what we got canonically.  The series was often problematic about rape and attempted rape, and having Laverne react scornfully to Shirley's attack doesn't sit right with me.  This Laverne apologizes, which the one onscreen doesn't, although she does redeem herself somewhat by trying to get to the truth.
• There's still humor in the scene, like with the broken perfume bottle and Dirty Dougy, but it's not at Shirley's expense.
• And now I wonder who they would've got to do Dougy's offstage voice.
• Note that this sets up Shirley showing up in disguise, since she doesn't want to leave the apartment.
• I do love Shirley's nickname for herself, but the rest of the scene is weaker than on the page, quite a change from the very earliest scripts.