"Dating Slump," Scene 1

"It's in the Water" would air the week after "Dating Slump," but the Final Draft for the latter would be submitted four days after the Revised Shooting Script for the former, on March 8, 1976, cutting it really close.  Let's see if there was a lot to edit in three weeks or less.

We start at the Pizza Bowl, in the "early evening":

LAVERNE SERVES A PIZZA TO A TABLE.  SQUIGGY AND LENNY ENTER FROM BOWLING ALLEY WITH A SIGN THEY MADE, "WELCOME BACK, THE BIG RAG."  THEY OBVIOUSLY MADE THE SIGN AND RAN OUT OF ROOM.  LENNY IS CARRYING THE SIGN.  SQUIGGY HAS A HAMMER AND NAILS AND IS LEADING THE WAY, MOVING PEOPLE OUT OF THE WAY.

SQUIGGY

Hey you, out of the way.  Clear a path.  What's a matter with you people?

THEY STOP AT THE COUNTER AND PREPARE TO NAIL THE SIGN TO IT.  LENNY IS PLACING IT IN POSITION.

SQUIGGY (CONT'D)

You got it upside down, stupid.

LAVERNE RUSHES OVER.  SHE IS IN A BAD MOOD TO BEGIN WITH.

LAVERNE

Are you two crazy?  You can't do that.

LENNY

Sure we can.  It's easy.

SQUIGGY

Yeah, two nails here and a couple over here...

LAVERNE

You'll block the register.

SQUIGGY

That's the idea.  That way Carmine will see it for sure.

SQUIGGY STARTS TO HAMMER AND LAVERNE PULLS THE HAMMER OUT OF HIS HAND.  SQUIGGY BANGS HIS HAND ON THE COUNTER.

SQUIGGY (CONT'D)

Ouch!  What did you do that for?

LENNY

You know Carmine's coming back from New York today.

SQUIGGY

Yeah, he won the golden gloves and the guys are throwing him a little party.  We figured if we didn't, he'd hit us.

LAVERNE

Look guys, I think it's terrific that Carmine won but hang the sign in the bowling alley.  Not on my register.

SQUIGGY

Then how's Carmine gonna see it?

LAVERNE POINTS TO SIGN.

LAVERNE

He won't but you'll be better off if he doesn't.  I don't think he's gonna like being called the Big Rag.

LAVERNE HANDS SQUIGGY HIS HAMMER.  LENNY AND SQUIGGY START FOR BOWLING ALLEY.

LENNY

I told you someone would notice.

SQUIGGY

(POINTS TO SIGN) Well, how was I supposed to know when I started over here, I wouldn't have enough room all the way over there.

LENNY

Don't worry.  Carmine will know who we mean.

SQUIGGY

Maybe he'll like it better.

LENNY AND SQUIGGY EXIT.  THE PHONE RINGS.  LAVERNE PICKS IT UP.

LAVERNE

Yeah...  Okay, Pop...  I know that's no way to answer a phone...  Do I have to?  Alright.  Good evening, De Fazio's Pizza Bowl.  May I help you?...  It's not too sexy...  Everything's going fine, enjoy your vacation.

LAVERNE HANGS UP AND FROWNS.  A SAILOR (BILLY) WITH S.P. PATCH ON ARM WALKS BY.

SAILOR

Hey, what's the matter?  A beautiful girl like you should never look so unhappy.

SAILOR WINKS AND EXITS.  LAVERNE BEAMS.

LAVERNE

I don't know why, but I feel a hundred percent better.

CARMINE ENTERS.  HE HAS A BANDAGE ON HIS FACE AND HE IS BEAMING.  LAVERNE SEES HIM.

CARMINE

Hey, Laverne, the Big Ragoo returns triumphant.

LAVERNE

Welcome back.  There's a party for you in the other room.

CARMINE

Is Shirley in there?  I got some big news to tell her.

LAVERNE

No.  Shirley's at her new sculpture class.  She decided to do something cultural.

CARMINE

That's nice.

LAVERNE

Yeah.  She was gonna take up painting, but the fumes make her sick.  What's your big news?

CARMINE

It's about something that happened to me in New York.

LAVERNE

Did you catch something?

CARMINE

No, I... can we talk privately?

LAVERNE

Sure.  (SHE DOESNT MOVE, JUST YELLS TO PEOPLE NEAR HER) Hey, move over there.

PEOPLE MOVE.

LAVERNE (CONT'D)

Okay, we're private.

CARMINE

Well, Laverne, I fell in love.

LAVERNE

(REACTS)  You're not punchy or anything, are you?

CARMINE

I'm serious, Laverne.  She's flying in tonight.  You're gonna love her.  She's a lot like Shirley only she's crazy about me.

LAVERNE

Shirley doesn't know about this, uh, development.

CARMINE

No.  She's a girl from Milwaukee who was in New York to watch her brother fight.  We met right after I beat him.

LAVERNE

Did you kiss her with your mouthpiece in?

CARMINE

Only once... (THEN) Shirley always said I'd find someone who was crazy about me.  I can't wait to tell her.  She'll be so happy for me.

LAVERNE

Oh yeah.  She'll be thrilled.

SQUIGGY AND LENNY ENTER FROM BOWLING ALLEY.

SQUIGGY

Hey, Carmine.  How you doing, Champ?

LENNY

Come with us.  We're throwin' a party for you.

THEY START FOR THE BOWLING ALLEY.

CARMINE

That's nice of you guys.

SQUIGGY

We'd do anything for the Big Rag.

CARMINE

You mean the Big Ragoo.

LENNY

Big Rag sounds better, doesn't it, Squiggy?

SQUIGGY

Oh yeah, much better.  Nobody knows what a ragoo is.

THEY EXIT.  THE PHONE RINGS.  LAVERNE ANSWERS IT.

LAVERNE

(INTO PHONE) Yeah...  (REACTS)...   Aw, Pop, not again.  (THEN) Good evening, De Fazio's Pizza Bowl.

Thoughts:

• This entire scene was omitted and the filmed episode starts with Scene 2, which is also pretty expository but less detailed.  However, I like the idea of the audience as well as Laverne hearing the news from Carmine himself.
• It's a little surprising to see Lenny and Squiggy come into an episode that early, at least at this point, where we were a long way from boys-centered episodes.  The stuff with the sign is cute but would've had to have been trimmed and punched up if this scene had been kept.
• It's unclear why Laverne is "in a bad mood to begin with."  Does she resent her pop going on vacation and leaving her in charge of the Pizza Bowl?  Maybe she already had plans.
• The stuff with Pop offscreen scolding Laverne about the way she answers the phone is also cute.
• I don't know what is up with the random sailor (and why does he get a name and Raunchy Girl "A" does not?), but it's, yes, cute.
• This script reminds us that Season-One Carmine had a California-Rhonda-like habit of sometimes referring to himself in the third person.
• Why is Laverne's first thought that Carmine caught something in New York?  (Like V.D. or just a cold?)
• Laverne again is able to make people move just through her voice.  (I guess she inherits that from her pop.)
• That's actually pretty revealing that the appeal of this new girl (who happens to be named Rhonda, as we'll learn in the next scene) is that she's crazy about Carmine.  Which Shirley I guess was not, at least in his opinion.
• OK, I laughed at him kissing with his mouthpiece in.
• Overall, I can see why this was cut, but I like it.