"Good Time Girls," Scene L

So the tag that we didn't get to see is set in the girls' apartment, during the day:

SHIRLEY IS IN HER FAVORITE CHAIR, READING OVER WHAT SHE'S WRITTEN IN HER DIARY.  LAVERNE IS READING A MAGAZINE.

SHIRLEY (V.O.)

Dear Diary... Boy, am I glad I'm not a man.  Their bathrooms make me sick.  I haven't said anything, but I think Laverne enjoyed it.

SHIRLEY SMILES AT LAVERNE, WHO SMILES BACK.  THE DOOR BURSTS OPEN, SQUIGGY RUSHES IN.

SQUIGGY

Hello...  Listen, Lenny and I got a favor to ask.  Here's a crayon.  Could you go down to the YWCA and write our phone number on the ladies' room wall?

SHIRLEY

No.

SQUIGGY

Nothing fancy.  Just say, "For a skyrocket to the stars, call Lenny and the Stud."  That's me.

LAVERNE

We're not gonna do that.

SQUIGGY GOES TO THE DOOR.

SQUIGGY

You're leaving me no choice.  That's it, Len.  You gotta do it for us.

LENNY ENTERS, IN A DRESS.  HE GRABS THE CRAYON FROM SQUIGGY.

LENNY

Why is it always me?

SQUIGGY

'Cause you know I look rotten in yellow...

THEY EXIT.  LAVERNE JUMPS UP.

LAVERNE

This I gotta see.  You coming?

SHIRLEY

I've seen enough bathrooms for one week.

LAVERNE

(YELLS TO LENNY) Hey, cutie.  Walk you to the corner?

LAVERNE EXITS.  SHIRLEY RETURNS TO HER DIARY.

SHIRLEY (V.O.)

Dear Diary... Lenny just came down in a dress.  Squiggy took him to the ladies' room at the Y.  Laverne went to watch...  You and I are the only sane ones... and you're a book.

Thoughts:

• !!!
• Shirley's main objection to "being a man" would be the foul-smelling restrooms.
• Laverne on the other hand, at least according to Shirley, enjoyed the experience.
• Squiggy bursts in, and it's not even a Hello Moment.
• That's a surprisingly clean requested message, but the girls still say no.
• This scene would've gotten Michael into drag earlier than canon actually did.  Also, "always me"?!
• Offhand, I can't remember either boy in yellow, but I'll take Squiggy's word for it that the color suits Lenny better.
• Laverne flirts with Lenny, while he's in drag, and she's looking forward to "watching."  Maybe she's just amused, but then again.
• Is Shirley the only sane one?  Explain why or why not in fifty words or less.

"Good Time Girls," Scenes H, J, and K

It's back to the pool hall, at night.  The short scene of H made it in virtually unchanged, although Laverne's "Thar she blows" was added.

Scene J takes us into the "pool hall men's room - night - continuous action."  This was omitted, after Laverne says they have to wash up:

SHIRLEY

We have ickey on our hands.

TOUGH MAN #1

Ickey?

LAVERNE

She means grime.

TOUGH MAN #1

What?!

LAVERNE

He means she.  She means he.  Boy, am I drunk.

TOUGH MAN #1

Yeah.  I know the feeling....

They left out the tough man telling Laverne, confused, "You smell good, too," before he exits.  And then Laverne was supposed to say, "Ickey?", to which Shirley would reply, 'Boys get ickey."

Once again, Naomi Ramoni gets mentioned in a script but dropped before filming, here with Shirley's "Naomi Ramoni loves the outdoors" turning into "If you've got boots, you got Betsy."

They skipped Squiggy observing of the girls' drag, "Funny how much more boss they look on us."

This little bit was left out at the end of the scene:

THEY [the girls] EXIT.  TWO GUYS ENTER THE MEN'S ROOM.

SQUIGGY (O.S.)

Hey, buddy, it's a lucky thing for you I'm wearing a dress-up jacket!

Scene K is back at the girls' apartment, at night, probably the same night.  The first four pages made it in relatively unchanged and form the penultimate scene onscreen.  The aired tag is made up of the rest of Scene K and starts with Laverne talking about how they planned to be honest but wound up lying again.  The turtle is dead in the script, and Shirley originally said, "The turtle's the lucky one."

We sadly missed out on this, before the "masher" calls and turns out to be Frank:

LAVERNE

Yeah.  And you got something good out of this.

SHIRLEY

What?

LAVERNE

You found out you're the same size as Squiggy.  The two of you can trade clothes.

SHIRLEY

Don't talk nonsense...  He does have one sweater I like...

Thoughts:

• Ickey.
• Fred Willard is just naturally attracted to Penny Marshall.  It can't be helped.
• I feel sorry for Naomi Ramoni and she's not even officially canon.
• Oh, Girls, you will share clothes with the boys again.
• Next time, one of my favorite unaired tags....

"Good Time Girls," Scenes D and E

It's again the "girls' living room - night."  This was omitted after Shirley says that she and Laverne are going out with "Kevin and Scott from the Accounting Department":

LAVERNE

(FROM CLOSET) Kevin's a real cutie.

SHIRLEY

They called us out of the blue, begging for dates.  Scott wears this darling little vest --

CARMINE

(INTERRUPTING SHIRLEY) Why is Laverne in the closet?  She mad at me?

LAVERNE

(FROM CLOSET) No.

And later they left out this part:

CARMINE

Too bad you can't come along.  Lucille would've paid for the whole thing.  No reason why my good fortune shouldn't be your good fortune.

SHIRLEY

Your good fortune is the talk of the whole neighborhood.

For some reason, it was "Izzy's Escort Service" in the script rather than Sylvia's.

They skipped over this part, when Frank is looking down from the open window:

SHIRLEY

(TEASING) You going upstairs to see Mrs. Liederhaus?

FRANK

Yeah.  So?

SHIRLEY

So nothing.  I think you make a perfect couple.

Scene E is in the "girls' living room - later that night."  The first page was omitted for onscreen:

FRANK

What I tell you?

LAVERNE

To be careful who we date.

FRANK

How many times I tell you?

SHIRLEY

A thousand times.

FRANK

What happened tonight?

LAVERNE

We got attacked.

FRANK

What if I wasn't upstairs?

LAVERNE

We would have gotten attacked anyway.

In the strangest spelling yet, Shirley wonders, "Why would they think we vo-do-yodo on the first date?"

This is what was left out of the scene after Shirley says, "You said it."

SHIRLEY

...We don't have to take this.

THE PHONE RINGS.

SHIRLEY

Oooooh!  That phone.

SHE GRABS PHONE.  STARTS TO PULL CORD.  CAN'T DO IT.  LAVERNE GRABS ON AND TRIES TO HELP.  THEY BOTH CAN'T DO IT.  THEY'RE KILLING THEMSELVES.  THEY FALL TO FLOOR.

Thoughts:

• Sometimes Carmine is ruder to Shirley in the scripts than onscreen, although this time he interrupts her because he wonders about Laverne and/or he doesn't want to hear about Shirley going out with someone else, even though Mrs. Lockwash might take him to Europe.
• Shirley confronts Carmine more about him being scandalous in the scripts than onscreen.
• Another shoutout to Mrs. Liederhaus.
• Laverne has a point about being attacked anyway, although it's nice that Frank rescued them, even if he blames the victims.
• I can see that they were going for slapstick to close Scene E, but it works better to just segue to the girls in drag at the pool hall.

"Good Time Girls," Scenes A, B, and C

On August 4, 1976, almost four months before "Good Time Girls" aired, the Rev. Shooting Script was submitted.  (And, yes, I'll be looking at the scripts between the second and eighth episodes of Season Two.)  There are some very interesting omissions, which either got shot and then chopped or were dropped before the actual filming.  

We start, as we so often do, in the "girls' living room - night."  The first page or so made it in, but this was omitted after Shirley and Laverne agree that Hector Kestenbaum is a jerk:

SHIRLEY

Gus, who never changes his shirt.

LAVERNE

Jerk number two.

SHIRLEY

Warren with the air rifle.

LAVERNE    

(CUTS IN) Wait a minute.  Warren is pretty funny when he puts a straw up his nose and drinks a coke.

SHIRLEY

Putrid, Laverne....

Laverne threatening "Lefty" after Hector "smacks her on the rump" was added.  But otherwise, this scene is relatively unchanged.  

Scene B, on the other hand, was entirely deleted, although an outtake does exist from it.   It's set at "Vinnie's Pool Hall - Night," presumably later that same night:

LENNY AND SQUIGGY ARE AT A TABLE, SHOOTING POOL.  SQUIGGY'S GOT THE BALLS RACKED UP.  HE TAKES AIM, SHOOTS CUE BALL DIRECTLY INTO CORNER POCKET WITHOUT TOUCHING THE RACK.  HE SWAGGERS OVER TO LENNY, HOLDS OUT HIS HAND.

SQUIGGY

That'll be a dollar.

LENNY

(HANDING SQUIGGY A DOLLAR) I don't know how you do that.

JUST THEN TWO BIG GUYS COME OVER WITH CUE STICKS.  THEY BRUSH LENNY AND SQUIGGY ASIDE AND START TO PLAY AT THEIR TABLE.

LENNY (CONT'D)

Hey, wait a minute!  We're using this table.

TOUGH MAN #1

Hey, get lost, Shorty.

SQUIGGY

That's Squiggy.

TOUGH MAN #1

All right, get lost, Squiggy.

SQUIGGY

That's better.

ONE OF THE GUYS MAKES A BREAK SHOT.

LENNY

C'mon.  Let the babies have their bottles.

THEY MOVE TO ANOTHER TABLE JUST AS HECTOR ENTERS, REALLY ANGRY.  NOTE: LENNY AND SQUIGGY SHOOT POOL DURING THE FOLLOWING:

LENNY (CONT'D)

Hey, Hector.  How ya doing?

HECTOR

Aw, I've had it with Laverne and Shirley.

LENNY

Who you fooling? Nobody has.

SQUIGGY HITS BALLS.

HECTOR

Every time I ask 'em out, they always got some excuse.

SQUIGGY

Hey, buck up.  They do that on accounta you're such a pinhead.

HECTOR

Yeah, well some day I'm gonna fix their wagons.

LENNY PUTS HIS ARM AROUND HECTOR.

LENNY

Let's face it.  You're just not a ladies' man.

SQUIGGY

Yeah.  Lenny used to have trouble with girls.  But I gave him the secret.

LENNY

Yeah.  He did it.

HECTOR

Yeah?  What, what?

SQUIGGY

Look.  Gettin' girls takes charm.  And suave.

A HARD-LOOKING CHICK WALKS BY.

LENNY

Heavy on the suave.  You gotta have a smooth line of patter.  Right, Squig?

SQUIGGY

Yeah.  Watch me and Len in action.  (TO PASSING GIRL) Hey, chickie, chickie.

HE AND LENNY MAKE KISSING NOISES AT HER.

LENNY

Hey, baby.  Stop your grinnin' and drop your linen.

HE AND SQUIGGY DO A RONNY.  THE GIRL SHAKES HER HEAD AND MOVES OFF.

HECTOR

Boy, I wish I could talk to girls like that.

 LENNY

It'll come, it'll come.

SQUIGGY

Yeah.  You're wasting your entire manhood on Laverne and Shirley.  They ain't the only fish in the market.

LENNY

Hey, you want some real action?  Go grab yourself an "off the wall" date.

HECTOR

Off the wall?

LENNY

Get yourself a hot phone number off the men's room wall.

HECTOR

Are those numbers for real?

SQUIGGY

Are you kiddin'?  That's how Len and I met Ready Betty Wazlewski.

LENNY

Ready Betty.  Man, that girl could make a dead man dance.

HECTOR

I guess it's worth a try.  What do I got to lose?

PREOCCUPIED, HECTOR HEADS FOR THE MEN'S ROOM.

LENNY

What a jerk!

SQUIGGY STARTS TO SHOOT WITH THE CHALK STILL ON THE TIP OF HIS CUESTICK.

LENNY (CONT'D)

You got chalk on your stick.

SQUIGGY

I know that.  It's a trick shot.

LENNY HANDS HIM ANOTHER DOLLAR.

The very short next scene did in fact make it in, with a few minor alterations.  For some reason, it's set at "Pool Hall Men's Room - Day," as if Hector didn't immediately seek out a "hot number":

HECTOR IS STANDING, STARING AT THE NAMES ON THE WALL, NEAR A WALL TELEPHONE.  LOTSA GRAFFITI.  ANOTHER GUY IS THERE.

Onscreen, there is no other guy, although there is "lotsa graffiti," and Hector says he doesn't need Laverne and Shirley because this is like a candy store.  In the script, hickies are a specialty of "Ginny LeSeuer" rather than of "Marjorie Flamm."

Thoughts:

• I'm going to assume that this is another Warren than Eraserhead, or than Potsie Weber for that matter.  Especially since he snorts Coke up his nose.
• By this version of the script, Tough Man #1 had been cast, as Fred Willard.  He would appear in an undeleted scene.
• The "Who you fooling" line sounds like a Michael McKean adlib in the blooper, but there it is, right in the script.  Which is not to say he might not have contributed it to an earlier version.
• I almost feel sorry for Hector in Scene B, not because of the girls but because he probably thinks Lenny and Squiggy are his pals from high school and they actually think he's a pinhead and a jerk.
• I definitely feel cheated that we didn't get a scene of the boys showing Hector how to pick up chicks.  I picture McKean and Lander playing it as a cleaner version of what their act originally was.
• And, oh, the irony of the boys telling Hector not to waste his manhood on Laverne and Shirley.  Yes, they do go out with other girls, but we know that Lenny in particular would drop everything if Laverne ever said yes.
• Is this the first mention of Ready Betty Wazlewski?  Lenny's line about a "dead man" again sounds like a cleaned up version of the original Lenny & Anthony act.
• The stuff with Squiggy's balls and cuestick is pretty Freudian under the circumstances.
• This covers Act One and we're definitely off to an interesting start.

"Angels of Mercy," Scene E

The tag is set in the "girls' apartment - night":

SHIRLEY IS AT THE TABLE, DRESSED IN HER VOLUNTEER UNIFORM.  SHE IS WRITING IN HER DIARY.

SHIRLEY

"Dear Diary... You know what happens when you cross a parrot with a gorilla?  I don't, but when it talks, you listen.  Ha!  Ha!  Have to remember for after dinner conversation..."

LENNY AND SQUIGGY POP UP FROM UNDER THE SINK.

LENNY

Ahhh...  there's the problem.

SQUIGGY

Disgusting, absolutely disgusting.

SHIRLEY

Is it all fixed now?

LENNY

Yeah, it's okay now...

SQUIGGY

(WHIRLS ON SHIRLEY ACCUSINGLY) Did you pour chili down that drain?

SHIRLEY

(INTIMIDATED) Yes, but that was weeks...

SQUIGGY

Murderer!!

LENNY
Take it easy, Squiggy.  She's only a girl; she don't know.

SHIRLEY

What's wrong with him?

LENNY

If there's one thing Squiggy's sensitive about, it's drain maintenance.

SQUIGGY HAS STORMED TO THE FRONT DOOR AND OPENED IT.  LENNY HEFTS TOOLS AND FOLLOWS AS:

SQUIGGY

(DRAMATICALLY) I'm going upstairs to get my good plunger.  But, frankly, my dear, you don't deserve it.

THEY EXIT.  SHIRLEY GOES BACK TO HER DIARY.

Those peculiar couple pages were dumped.  Also, onscreen Shirley is in casual wear and sitting in a chair.  

Overall, there's not much difference in this episode from page to screen, except that the drain seems to have been a much bigger deal in the script.  Also, there is definitely more than one thing that Squiggy is sensitive about.

"Angels of Mercy," Scenes B, C, and D

We go to a "private hospital room - day."  The patient is described as "an extremely fat man." 

After Laverne suggests having the patients work out whose teeth are whose, this was omitted:

SHIRLEY

I can't do that.  There'll be people running all over the hospital wearing other people's teeth.  (LOOKS)  I think these are Mr. Franklin's.

LAVERNE

Are you kidding?  Those are women's teeth.

SHIRLEY

How can you tell?

SHIRLEY

They're smaller.

SHIRLEY

What does that mean?  Maybe they belong to a child.

LAVERNE

Shirl, what would a child be doing with false teeth?

SHIRLEY

Who knows?!  We're in a hospital!  (LOOKS AGAIN) I think those belong to Mrs. Dukewaste.

After Laverne asks if Mr. McKinley is dead, the nurse originally replied, "Why?  Are you a relative?", and Laverne said no.

Oddly enough, the actions of when Laverne tries to strip the bed are in the script, but the dialogue isn't, perhaps adlibbed by Penny.

They left out Shirley saying, "Laverne, behave yourself; this is a hospital."

Again, the stage directions are in the script, but the girls' dialogue mostly isn't.

Scene C is a "hospital ward - day."  This is the only part that was skipped:

JERRY

(BIG SMILE) Are they gonna kill me?

LAVERNE

No, no.  I won't let them.  (TO ORDERLY) Don't kill him.  (TO JERRY) I took care of it, Jer.

Scene D is in the hospital ward at night.  In the script, Shirley yells into the hallway, "Dr. Throckmorton...your car is on fire," while onscreen she later says that she did this.

In the script, it's just "the collar of Shirley's uniform torn off," while the front is ripped more than that onscreen.

This is the last page of the scene, after Laverne asks if all they'll get is a day:

SHIRLEY

(SMILES, THEN SINCERE TO HER) No, Vernie... a lot of days.

SHIRLEY MAKES LAVERNE SMILE.

SHIRLEY (CON'TD)

Come on, come on.  If we hurry, we can get three hours shut eye before we go to the brewery.

LAVERNE

We lead a great life, you know that?  (LAVERNE SEES JERRY)  He's so cute.

SHIRLEY

Laverne!

LAVERNE STARTS TO GO OUT THE DOOR, STOPS:

LAVERNE

Are you sure we can leave?  What happened with the teeth?

SHIRLEY

Oh, I confessed to the patients, and they were all nice about it.

LAVERNE

What did they say?

SHIRLEY

Mrs. Wait in 402 said...  (GUMS) "Shirley, I know you're a good girl, and you'd never steal teeth."

THEY LEAVE.

I've always found the "hospital" portion of the episode less interesting and less funny than Act One, and these deletions and changes don't change my mind.  That said, "No, Vernie... a lot of days" is sweet.  And at least we find out in the script how the teeth situation was resolved.

"Angels of Mercy," Scene A

On July 27, 1976, a week before the Shooting Script for " 'Drive!' She Said" was submitted, and over two months before the second episode of Season Two aired, its Rev. Shooting Script came in.  Sometime before filming there were changes made, although I don't think anything as significant as in "DSS."  For instance, the first page and a half was mostly dropped from the opening scene, which is set in the "girls apartment - day":

LAVERNE IS IRONING.  THERE IS A HUGE AMOUNT OF CLOTHING THERE.  IN THE KITCHEN, HER FATHER, FRANK DE FAZIO IS UNDER SINK.

LAVERNE

How you doing with the sink, Pop?

FRANK MAKES GUTTERAL [sic] NOISE.

LAVERNE (CONT'D)

Does (REPEATS NOISE) mean you found the problem.

FRANK

Yeah.  (GETS UP)  The problem is I can't fix it.  Call your landlady.  Get a plumber.

LAVERNE

I told Mrs. Babish.  An old building like this needs a live-in plumber.  Thanks for trying, Pop.  (GOES TO SINK)  I'll have to do the dishes in the bathtub again.

FRANK

(STARES) Why am I staring, Laverne?

LAVERNE

(THINKS)  'Cause last time I did that I clogged up the bathtub drain?

FRANK NODS.

LAVERNE (CONT'D)

And ended up having to take a bath at the gas station?

FRANK NODS.

LAVERNE (CONT'D)

And you were embarrassed?

FRANK NODS.

LAVERNE (CONT'D)

It wasn't a thrill for me either.

FRANK

(SMILES AND HUGS HER)  I love you, muffin, but you and Shirley don't know how to take care of an apartment.

Onscreen, Laverne just thanks her father for fixing the drain, and then it goes into Frank's line.  The light in the refrigerator is described as "the brightest light in the world."  

In the script, Frank asks, "What happened to the granny apples?"  Laverne replies, "I ate them."  But onscreen she just gives him an apple.

For unknown reasons, Shirley is "dying for a Nehi grape" in the script but an orange drink onscreen.

This was omitted after Shirley says that Laverne could join up and help others:

LAVERNE

I already do that, I bottle beer.

SHIRLEY

(DEFENSIVE) Well, I prevent suffering.  Today a lady came into the hospital screaming in agony.  I closed the door so the other patients wouldn't hear it.

At this point, the spelling "vo-dee-o-do" is being used.  It's "Callihan" on page 9, and "Callahan" on p. 11.  Then it's back to "Callihan" on p. 18.

After Squiggy jokes that Laverne gave Jerry a bath, Lenny was scripted to say, in a "high voice," " 'Please, Jerry.  Not in front of the rubber duck...' "  And then he'd pantomime a slap.

For a twenty-page scene that covers the entire first act (and takes us thirteen minutes into the episode), this is surprisingly faithful.  The Frank & Laverne opening is cute but unnecessary, other than the first mention of Mrs. Babish.

"Day of the Porcupine," Scene 7, and " 'Drive!' She Said," Scene L

The "Porcupine" tag is set in the "Pizza Bowl - night":

LAVERNE AND SHIRLEY ARE SITTING WITH FRANK.  LAVERNE IS SHOWING HIM HER LICENSE.

LAVERNE

See?  Brown eyes, brown hair.  Five feet six...  Hey, that's not my weight.  Where did they get that from?

FRANK

You could never lie to an authority, Laverne.

LAVERNE

Pop!

FRANK

Calm down!  Can I get you a soda?

LAVERNE

Okay.  Wait, no.  Get me a water.

FRANK

Shirley?

SHIRLEY

Yeah, thanks.

HE GOES.

LAVERNE

Shirl, I can't tell you how great it is to have a license.  I feel like a real person now.  Never again will I go to places where they ask me for an I.D. and have them laugh at me for showing them a library card.  (SHE TAKES OUT CARD)  This little piece of cardboard has caused me more humiliation... (SHE SMUGLY TEARS IT UP INTO LITTLE PIECES)

SHIRLEY

Uh... Laverne?

LAVERNE

Yeah?

SHIRLEY

You just ripped up your license...

LAVERNE THINKS FOR A MINUTE.

LAVERNE

Anybody got tape?  Some glue?  A band-aid....

The "DSS" tag is basically unchanged from script to screen, although Laverne was supposed to "knock the tray over onto Shirley," rather than spill her milk & Pepsi.

Thoughts:

• There are a lot of rejected fat jokes in these scripts, which makes me wonder about my copy of the "2001CO" script I own, but I'll be patient.
• I still don't think of Laverne's hair as brown, but I guess it's light brown.  She definitely does not have brown eyes!
• What bar, even in the '50s, accepted library cards as proof of age/identification?
• Laverne is kind of an idiot in the "Porcupine" script, not on Season Eight levels, but yeah.

"Porcupine" had a good basic plot, with the girls buying a car together, but the execution obviously took a long time getting there.  Luckily, they didn't have to rush to get Season Two on the air as quickly as Season One, so they were able to get this premiere episode to be funnier, better plotted, and less spiteful than what it was when Jack Winter, and Starsky & Hutch, first worked on it.

"Day of the Porcupine," Scene 6, and " 'Drive!' She Said," Scene K

In both versions, it's the "girls' living room - day."  In "Porcupine," we're told that it's "several days later":

CARMINE IS THERE WITH SHIRLEY.  SHE'S ON THE PHONE.

SHIRLEY

Yes.  It's still available, but you'd better hurry.  I've had a lot of calls...  Okay... I'll see you then.  (HANGS UP)  Well, I think I just sold it.

CARMINE

No kidding!

SHIRLEY

And for a hundred more than we paid for it.

CARMINE

That's great.  So everything's worked out fine.

SHIRLEY

Well, I don't know about that.

CARMINE

What do you mean?

SHIRLEY

[Word crossed out, might be "Well,"] Laverne's been acting very strange lately... she's been avoiding me... she comes home late very night, and doesn't tell me where she's been... I don't think we're friends anymore...

CARMINE

Do you ask her where's she been?

SHIRLEY

Yes, I do!  All she says is "It's personal...".

CARMINE

"It's personal," huh?  Well, when people say that it either means they're going to confession or they're seeing a married man...

CARMINE

Well, I guess she found religion...

SHIRLEY

Oh, I just wish this whole car thing never happened!

In the "DSS" script and onscreen, Carmine instead gives Shirley a piece of paper with contact info for a man who'll pay full price for the car.  Carmine asks where Laverne is and Shirley says she doesn't know, since Laverne comes home from work and then goes back out.  Carmine thinks she has a new (presumably unmarried) boyfriend, but Shirley thinks Laverne would tell her in that case.  In that script, when Carmine leaves as Laverne comes home, his exit line is, "Tell her about your boyfriend," which confuses her, but onscreen he jokes about dance steps.

In "Porcupine," Laverne just comes home, without Carmine leaving or "opening the door and pulling her in."  This is the dialogue after that:

CARMINE

Hi, Laverne...

LAVERNE

Hi, Carmine...

SHIRLEY

Hi, Laverne...

LAVERNE

Hi, Carmine...

LAVERNE TAKES OFF HER COAT, AND PUTS IT DOWN.

SHIRLEY

Can't you say hello to me, Laverne?

LAVERNE

Hello, Car-mine...

SHIRLEY

Laverne, I'm talking to you!  I'm not Carmine, I'm Shirley.

LAVERNE

Yeah, you're always acting like the car is yours...Yeah, Car-Mine!

Here's how the dialogue goes in the "DSS" script after Carmine's exit.

LAVERNE ENTERS AND CLOSES THE DOOR.  SHE'S EXCITED.

LAVERNE

Shirl, I got something to tell you.

SHIRLEY

What's he like?

LAVERNE

Carmine.

SHIRLEY

No, your new boyfriend.

LAVERNE

I don't have a new boyfriend.  I woulda told you about that....

However, onscreen, Laverne enters and whistles, making Shirley wonder if Laverne is going to whistle instead of talk, like recently.

Here's how the reveal goes in "Porcupine":

SHIRLEY

Laverne, listen, I'm really sorry about....

LAVERNE

Shirl, there's nothing to be sorry for anymore...when I was a frightened little rabbit who had to be driven around all the time, you should've apologized...Now it's too late... now, I've got this!

SHE HOLDS UP A CARD WITH A SMUG LOOK ON HER FACE.

In the "DSS" episode and onscreen, Laverne reveals what she's been up to "the last three days"/ "the last couple of nights," and says she's "been out getting one of these," before holding up a card, but not with a smug look.

In all three versions, Shirley recognizes that it's a driver's license, although it's not a temporary license in "Porcupine."  When Shirley asks how, the "Porcupine" Laverne says, "Apparently, the problem wasn't me, Shirley.  The problem was you.  All I needed was someone who was a little patient and understanding, instead of someone who was picky and short-tempered.  Once I had that, it was like falling off a log."  "DSS" Laverne says her father was the perfect teacher, although in that script he "made learning to drive a pleasure," while onscreen he "was so proud, he was jumping for joy."

In all three versions, "THE DOOR BURSTS OPEN.  FRANK STORMS IN."

"Porcupine" Frank says, "For God's sake, how many times do I have to tell you?  You park with the wheels facing the curb so it won't roll down the hill!  And another thing.  The keys.  You take them out of the car when you leave it.  Unless, of course, you left them on purpose so I could drive the car up the hill again, after it rolled down."  She replies, "I'm sorry, Pop."

Then he continues, "And for God's sake, use the parking brake.  You seem to like it enough when you're driving, so why don't you try using it when you park."  He starts to exit but adds, "A son I could have taught in an hour."

In both versions of "DSS," this was improved to her interpreting his mumbling rant for Shirley.  His exit line in that script, "A son... in an hour... I coulda taught to fly a plane," was dropped.

Here's the "Porcupine" dialogue for the rest of the scene after Frank leaves:

SHIRLEY

What was that again?  Patience and understanding?

LAVERNE

Well, maybe he screamed a lot, but his technique was much more effective than yours, Shirl.  He gave me a real incentive to get everything right.

SHIRLEY

How did he do that?

LAVERNE

He made me feel that if I didn't, he'd kill me.

THEY ALL LAUGH.  [Carmine is still in the scene, although this isn't immediately clear.]

SHIRLEY

[Handwritten insert "Please Laverne,"] I'm so sorry for the way I treated you and the things I said.

LAVERNE

[Handwritten insert "Aw,"] Forget it, Shirl.  You were caught up in the magic of owning a new car.  You felt the power, the lust... You went a little crazy...

SHIRLEY

Yeah...

LAVERNE

Well, I forgive ya, Shirl... 'Cause I know that underneath that sometimes weird exterior lurks an always weird interior...

SHIRLEY

Yeah...

THE GIRLS HUG EACH OTHER.  CARMINE BEGINS TO QUIETLY LEAVE.  SHIRLEY SPOTS HIM AS HE'S JUST ABOUT OUT THE DOOR.

SHIRLEY (CONT'D)

Where ya going Carmine?

CARMINE

This is just like in the movies.  I'm going to get a candy bar.  The mushy part always makes me hungry.

JUST AS HE'S OUT THE DOOR, HE TURNS.

CARMINE (CON'TD)

Save my seat!

HE EXITS, THE GIRLS LAUGH.

LAVERNE

I hope you haven't sold the car yet.

SHIRLEY

Well, there's a guy coming over, but I didn't commit myself.  So I think we can still keep it.

LAVERNE

That's great.  So it only cost me seventy dollars to learn how to drive.  That's not too bad.

SHIRLEY

It's less than that, Laverne.  The fender was only thirty and the barbecue pit was only fifteen.

LAVERNE

I know, I'm counting them.

SHIRLEY

Then where do you get seventy dollars from?

LAVERNE

Well, you know that house on Sutter Street with the iron jockey in front?  Well, when I was practicing with Pop's car...

"DSS" puts the emphasis more on how Frank scared Laverne but Shirley motivated her, too.  Onscreen, after the girls decide to go for a drive, we get the dialogue-less exterior scene of them interrupting a makeout with the boys and two unidentified girls.  Here's the last page of the scene in the script:

LAVERNE/SHIRLEY

I'll drive.  (MORE EMPHATICALLY) I'll drive.

SHIRLEY

We'll choose.

LAVERNE

Good.  (SHE STARTS CROSSING LIVING ROOM)

SHIRLEY

We'll flip a coin?

LAVERNE

No!

SHIRLEY

Odds and evens?

LAVERNE

No!

SHIRLEY

How do you want to choose?

LAVERNE

(NOW NEAR FRONT DOOR) I'll race you to the car.  (SHE DASHES OUT AND CLOSES THE DOOR)

SHIRLEY CHASES HER.

SHIRLEY

You're rotten, Laverne.

SHE RUNS OUT.

Thoughts:

• These scenes are the most similar so far, but the emphasis is different in places and the ways the jokes play out was still being polished even by filming.
• On the one hand, I like the girls making a $100 profit on the car (well, minus $70 in damages), and on the other, it's too Chekhov's Gun to leave us wondering if Shirley can rescind the offer.  It works better to have her not calling the potential buyer yet.
• Carmine actually calls Porcupine Shirley out on her melodrama, but then he gossips about Laverne potentially dating a married man.
• Laverne must know more than one married man, even if this is not the easy Laverne of Season Seven.
• The "Porcupine" script sure likes feeble puns on people's names, like with "La-verne la-learning" earlier and "Car-mine" here.
• I'm not clear why Shirley should apologize for chauffeuring Laverne around.  Doesn't Laverne bear any guilt for that?
• While both versions of Frank's "son" line are kind of funny, they seem needlessly cruel, cutting into Laverne's triumph.
• I like Laverne's line about Shirley's weirdness, since it's her take on their friendship, but I can see why it, and the thing about Shirley's lust for power, were cut.
• I also kind of like Carmine's line about mushiness making him hungry.  But this part of the scene doesn't really need him, and it makes sense that "DSS" has him exit after Laverne comes home.
• The onscreen ending of the scene is best.

"Day of the Porcupine," Scene 5 and " 'Drive!' She Said," Scene J

We go back to the "girls' living room - day":

IT'S A FEW HOURS LATER.  THE DOOR OPENS AND LAVERNE ENTERS.  SHE LOOKS DEFEATED.  A BEAT, THEN SHIRLEY ENTERS, A BAND-AID ON HER FOREHEAD.  SHE MOVES QUICKLY PAST LAVERNE WITHOUT SAYING ANYTHING.  SHE GETS A BOTTLE OF SODA AND SITS DOWN WITH HER BACK FACING LAVERNE.  A BEAT, THEN LAVERNE COMES OVER TO HER.

LAVERNE

Shirl?

SHIRLEY

Not now, Laverne.  Please not now.

LAVERNE

Can't I say just one thing?

SHIRLEY

No!

LAVERNE

Just one thing.

SHIRLEY

All right.  Go ahead.

LAVERNE

Whatever happens...however much it costs...I just want you to know that I'm very, very sorry.

SHIRLEY

Is that it?

LAVERNE

Yeah, that's it.

SHIRLEY

You're sorry.

LAVERNE

Yes, I'm sorry.

SHIRLEY

(DELIBERATELY, TEETH CLENCHED) You drive my car into a man's barbecue pit and all you can say is you're sorry?

LAVERNE

But Shirl, you told me to turn.

SHIRLEY

Laverne, when someone says, "Turn here," they mean at the corner.

LAVERNE

I'm sorry, I panicked.  I was nervous.

SHIRLEY

(SARCASTIC) That's all right, Laverne.  I'd be nervous too if I'd just missed running over a traffic cop.

LAVERNE

I couldn't help it.  I got scared.  I'm driving along and I suddenly see a man standing in the middle of the street waving his arms [question mark changed to an exclamation point]

SHIRLEY

(SLOW, ICY) Laverne, the reason he was waving his arms was that you had just gone through a stop light.

LAVERNE

But why did he have to get so excited?

SHIRLEY

I don't know.  He's probably just one of those sticklers for rules.

LAVERNE

Wait a minute!  What am I worried about?  You're the one who talked me into driving.

SHIRLEY

(SARCASTIC) You're right!  The whole thing was my fault.

That was all dumped, except for that last line, which would change in meaning.  Here's how the Shooting Script launched the scene:

INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY

THE DOOR OPENS.  SHIRLEY ENTERS, JUST ABOUT WORN OUT.  LAVENRE ENTERS, DEPRESSED.  WITH HER IS POLICE OFFICER NORMAN HUGHES.  SHIRLEY GOES TO THE BEDROOM WITHOUT SPEAKING.

Now, onscreen, we first see the girls returning outside, and Shirley does look worn out.  But rather than being depressed, Laverne is bickering with Norman, although we can't hear the words.

The first part of their scripted exchange indoors was kept, but we lost this:

LAVERNE

It was my first offense.

HUGHES

It was my best pair of shoes.

LAVERNE

Want a drink?

HUGHES

Nah, I'm on duty.

Norman asking if Laverne will pay him back on their next date, and his delight when she says yes, were added.  Also, Laverne asking if Shirley has a headache, and Shirley sarcastically saying she's practicing for Pin the Tail on the Donkey, were not in the script, where Shirley's (re)entrance line was a non-sarcastic "Don't say anything.  It's all my fault."

Shirley's little speech about her "strange view of the world" is in both versions of the script, as well as onscreen, but the "seventy-nine-year-old man with no teeth driving a car" was just some random senior citizen in "Porcupine," while in "DSS" it's Shirley's Uncle Phil.  Also, in "Porcupine," Shirley continued, "I see street signs that read 'One Way' and I mistakenly figure that you know the way they mean!  I'm funny that way!", which was hand-changed to "...I'm funny about things like that!"

And here's the last page of the scene in "Porcupine":

LAVERNE

(PRACTICALLY IN TEARS) Shirl, there must be a way to work this out.  Maybe, if you only drive me to places where I wasn't going to stay long -- or if you brought a book with you every time.

SHIRLEY

No, Laverne.  I'm afraid it's over.  I'm going to sell the car, buy the man a new barbecue pit and forget the whole thing.

LAVERNE

Shirl...

SHIRLEY

(PLAYING THE MARTYR) Save your breath Laverne... I've made up my mind!

LAVERNE CAN'T CONTROL HERSELF ANY LONGER.  SHE BREAKS OUT IN THE BIGGEST "BOO-BOO" FACE IN THE HISTORY OF "BOO-BOO'S" AND RUNS OUT.

SHIRLEY DEJECTEDLY FLOPS ON THE COUCH.

SHIRLEY

(TO HERSELF, NEAR TEARS) I'm sorry, Laverne.

By the time of the Shooting Script, things were less melodramatic, but there's again a somewhat mean-spirited part that was left out, after Laverne runs out wearing a "boo boo face":

LENNY (O.S.)

Hey, Laverne.

SQUIGGY (O.S.)

We hear you killed some Cub Scouts.

LAVERNE (O.S.)

I didn't kill them.

LENNY (O.S.)

Why don't you go back for another shot?

SHIRLEY

(STILL LYING ON COUCH) Lenny and Squiggy are picking on Laverne... Good!!!

Deescalating the girls' melodrama was a wise move, as was of course the replacement of a nameless cop with good old Officer Norman Hughes.  But it looks like finally, five scenes into the "Porcupine" script, they were starting to stumble out of the darkness and figure out what they were doing.

" 'Drive!' She Said" script, Scenes C through H

It's the "girls living room - day":

THE COFFEE TABLE HAS BEEN MOVED TO A CORNER.  SHIRLEY IS STANDING IN FRONT OF THE COUCH AS LAVERNE COMES UP TO HER.  THERE ARE THREE CANS OF VEGETABLES IN FRONT OF THE COUCH.

SHIRLEY

Ready for your first lesson?

LAVERNE

Guess so.  I got my learner's permit.  Is the car out front?

SHIRLEY

Never mind the car.  You gotta practice first.  Our first lesson is gonna be right here in our own living room.

LAVERNE

You mean I don't have to...  Hey, that's a real smart idea.

SHIRLEY

I used the old noggin.  You know, I'll bet I can teach you to drive in one day.  You'll probably never have to ride the bus again.

LAVERNE

I don't mind the bus.

SHIRLEY

You don't mind bumping and shoving your way to the doors past noisy people, who never bathe?  You don't mind that?

LAVERNE

Well, the never bathe part isn't so great.

SHIRLEY

Once and for all, you'll be leaving Bimboland.

LAVERNE

But all my friends live there.

SHIRLEY

You'll make new friends.  Wonderful friends.

LAVERNE

Like who?

SHIRLEY

I'm glad you asked.  You're stopped at a traffic signal in your car.  Suddenly in the lane next to you, there's a Cadillac filled with corporation lawyers.  Every one of them is giving you the eye.

LAVERNE

(WINKS) Hi, guys.

SHIRLEY

Don't be too eager.  You know what happens?  They follow you home and will not rest until you agree to marry them, have five kids and move to a house with a pool.

LAVERNE STARES AT HER.

LAVERNE

Is that why I'm bringing my own canned goods?

SHIRLEY

No.  This is how I helped Mickey and Mikey....

That all was dumped and the episode starts with Shirley talking about Laverne's fears about being in a car.  They left out Laverne saying, "The Everly Brothers album?  Couldn't you use Lady and the Tramp?", as well as Laverne "stepping on the peaches and making 'vroom!' noises" at the end of the scene, but otherwise this lesson is pretty faithful to the script.

Scene D is an exterior, "street - day":

THE HUDSON IS PARKED ALONG THE CURB ON A SLOPE.  SHIRLEY AND LAVERNE APPROACH THE CAR WITH LAVERNE HANGING BACK.

SHIRLEY

Well... let's go...

LAVERNE

(MUMBLES) Corn, banana, peaches.

SHIRLEY

You've got it.

SHIRLEY HANDS THE KEYS TO LAVERNE AND GETS IN THE CAR ON THE PASSENGER SIDE.  LAVERNE TRIES TO SQUEEZE IN BEHIND HER.

SHIRLEY (CONT'D)

The other side, Laverne.  You're driving, remember?  Come on.  You can do it.

LAVERNE WALKS AROUND TO THE OTHER SIDE, SITS BEHIND THE WHEEL.

LAVERNE

Now what?

SHIRLEY

First... open your eyes... Now, put in the ignition key...  Good... now, release the parking brake... that thing right there.

LAVERNE

This?

THE CAR BEGINS ROLLING BACKWARD DOWN THE STREET.  LAVENRE IMMEDIATELY MAKES PANIC NOISES.

SHIRLEY

You're panicking.

LAVERNE

I know.  Help!

SHIRLEY

Laverne!

LAVERNE

What do I do?

SHIRLEY

First... open your eyes!

THE CAR IS PICKING UP SPEED.  WE SEE THAT FURTHER DOWN THE ROAD, A NUN IS CROSSING THE STREET.  WE SEE THAT SHE WILL BE HIT IF THE CAR DOESN'T STOP.

SHIRLEY (CONT'D)

Hit the brake, Laverne!

LAVERNE

With my fist?

SHIRLEY

No, not with your fist, your foot.

LAVERNE

Which foot?

SHIRLEY

Just pick one!

WE SEE THE CAR JERK TWO OR THREE TIMES, THEN STOP A FEW FEET FROM THE NUN, WHO REACTS, SHAKING HER FIST AT LAVERNE.  THE NUN MOVES ON.

LAVERNE

I think that's enough for one day.

Onscreen, the dialogue is different and Laverne doesn't hit the nun until later, but she does have trouble driving.

Scene E is also set on "street - day," and was completely left out:

THE CAR PULLS UP TO A STOP SIGN.  A MAN IS WAITING AT THE CORNER TO CROSS.  AS HE STARTS TO CROSS, THE CAR LURCHES FORWARD JUST A BIT AND THE MAN JUMPS BACK ON THE CURB.  LAVERNE BACKS THE CAR UP AND SHIRLEY SIGNALS FOR THE MAN TO CROSS.  AS HE STARTS TO CROSS AGAIN, THE CAR LURCHES FORWARD ONCE MORE.  THE GIRLS BOTH LOOK APOLOGETIC AND SHIRLEY SIGNALS ONCE AGAIN FOR THE MAN TO CROSS.  HE'S HESITANT.  HE PLACES ONE FOOT IN THE STREET.  NOTHING FROM THE CAR.  HE PLACES THE OTHER FOOT IN THE STREET.  AGAIN, NOTHING FROM THE CAR.  HE'S FEELING MORE SECURE AND GOES TO CROSS.  THE CAR LURCHES FORWARD.  HE TRIES TO CAREFULLY GET BACK ON THE CURB BUT EACH TIME HE MAKES A MOVE, SO DOES THE CAR.

SFX:  MAMBO MUSIC UNDER THIS AS IF IT HAS BEEN CHOREGRAPHED.

Scene H looks more familiar to the viewer, still "street - day," with Lenny, Squiggy, and Carmine on the corner.  We missed Lenny's mildly shippy line, "Hey, look.  She's doing pretty good!"  And here's the original stage direction that closes the scene:

AS THE CAR COMES TO WHERE THE BOYS ARE, THEY SCATTER.  LENNY SHIMMIES UP A STREET SIGN.  CARMINE DOES A FLIP INTO A HUGE TRASH CAN.  AND SQUIGGY JUMPS INTO THE ARMS OF A BIG MAN WHO IS PASSING BY.  THE MAN IS CARRYING GROCERIES AND DROPS THEM WHEN SQUIGGY JUMPS.

The rest of the scene, including Laverne's "Hi, Fellas," and the boys following on a bike, was added.

Thoughts:

• Actually showing the lessons, on the couch and on the street, is another big improvement over the "Porcupine" script.
• The unpleasantness of the bus is a carryover from "Porcupine," but a bit funnier.
• Bimboland, where Laverne's friends live.
• Shirley, you say "Cadillac filled with corporation lawyers" like that's a good thing.
• Even in a fantasy she has constructed, Shirley has to rein in Laverne's flirting.
• Wait, Laverne is going to marry all the lawyers and have five kids?  These scripts are so poly sometimes!
• I can see why they didn't bother hiring more extras, but I like the "mambo" scene.