" 'Drive!' She Said" script, Scenes C through H

It's the "girls living room - day":

THE COFFEE TABLE HAS BEEN MOVED TO A CORNER.  SHIRLEY IS STANDING IN FRONT OF THE COUCH AS LAVERNE COMES UP TO HER.  THERE ARE THREE CANS OF VEGETABLES IN FRONT OF THE COUCH.

SHIRLEY

Ready for your first lesson?

LAVERNE

Guess so.  I got my learner's permit.  Is the car out front?

SHIRLEY

Never mind the car.  You gotta practice first.  Our first lesson is gonna be right here in our own living room.

LAVERNE

You mean I don't have to...  Hey, that's a real smart idea.

SHIRLEY

I used the old noggin.  You know, I'll bet I can teach you to drive in one day.  You'll probably never have to ride the bus again.

LAVERNE

I don't mind the bus.

SHIRLEY

You don't mind bumping and shoving your way to the doors past noisy people, who never bathe?  You don't mind that?

LAVERNE

Well, the never bathe part isn't so great.

SHIRLEY

Once and for all, you'll be leaving Bimboland.

LAVERNE

But all my friends live there.

SHIRLEY

You'll make new friends.  Wonderful friends.

LAVERNE

Like who?

SHIRLEY

I'm glad you asked.  You're stopped at a traffic signal in your car.  Suddenly in the lane next to you, there's a Cadillac filled with corporation lawyers.  Every one of them is giving you the eye.

LAVERNE

(WINKS) Hi, guys.

SHIRLEY

Don't be too eager.  You know what happens?  They follow you home and will not rest until you agree to marry them, have five kids and move to a house with a pool.

LAVERNE STARES AT HER.

LAVERNE

Is that why I'm bringing my own canned goods?

SHIRLEY

No.  This is how I helped Mickey and Mikey....

That all was dumped and the episode starts with Shirley talking about Laverne's fears about being in a car.  They left out Laverne saying, "The Everly Brothers album?  Couldn't you use Lady and the Tramp?", as well as Laverne "stepping on the peaches and making 'vroom!' noises" at the end of the scene, but otherwise this lesson is pretty faithful to the script.

Scene D is an exterior, "street - day":

THE HUDSON IS PARKED ALONG THE CURB ON A SLOPE.  SHIRLEY AND LAVERNE APPROACH THE CAR WITH LAVERNE HANGING BACK.

SHIRLEY

Well... let's go...

LAVERNE

(MUMBLES) Corn, banana, peaches.

SHIRLEY

You've got it.

SHIRLEY HANDS THE KEYS TO LAVERNE AND GETS IN THE CAR ON THE PASSENGER SIDE.  LAVERNE TRIES TO SQUEEZE IN BEHIND HER.

SHIRLEY (CONT'D)

The other side, Laverne.  You're driving, remember?  Come on.  You can do it.

LAVERNE WALKS AROUND TO THE OTHER SIDE, SITS BEHIND THE WHEEL.

LAVERNE

Now what?

SHIRLEY

First... open your eyes... Now, put in the ignition key...  Good... now, release the parking brake... that thing right there.

LAVERNE

This?

THE CAR BEGINS ROLLING BACKWARD DOWN THE STREET.  LAVENRE IMMEDIATELY MAKES PANIC NOISES.

SHIRLEY

You're panicking.

LAVERNE

I know.  Help!

SHIRLEY

Laverne!

LAVERNE

What do I do?

SHIRLEY

First... open your eyes!

THE CAR IS PICKING UP SPEED.  WE SEE THAT FURTHER DOWN THE ROAD, A NUN IS CROSSING THE STREET.  WE SEE THAT SHE WILL BE HIT IF THE CAR DOESN'T STOP.

SHIRLEY (CONT'D)

Hit the brake, Laverne!

LAVERNE

With my fist?

SHIRLEY

No, not with your fist, your foot.

LAVERNE

Which foot?

SHIRLEY

Just pick one!

WE SEE THE CAR JERK TWO OR THREE TIMES, THEN STOP A FEW FEET FROM THE NUN, WHO REACTS, SHAKING HER FIST AT LAVERNE.  THE NUN MOVES ON.

LAVERNE

I think that's enough for one day.

Onscreen, the dialogue is different and Laverne doesn't hit the nun until later, but she does have trouble driving.

Scene E is also set on "street - day," and was completely left out:

THE CAR PULLS UP TO A STOP SIGN.  A MAN IS WAITING AT THE CORNER TO CROSS.  AS HE STARTS TO CROSS, THE CAR LURCHES FORWARD JUST A BIT AND THE MAN JUMPS BACK ON THE CURB.  LAVERNE BACKS THE CAR UP AND SHIRLEY SIGNALS FOR THE MAN TO CROSS.  AS HE STARTS TO CROSS AGAIN, THE CAR LURCHES FORWARD ONCE MORE.  THE GIRLS BOTH LOOK APOLOGETIC AND SHIRLEY SIGNALS ONCE AGAIN FOR THE MAN TO CROSS.  HE'S HESITANT.  HE PLACES ONE FOOT IN THE STREET.  NOTHING FROM THE CAR.  HE PLACES THE OTHER FOOT IN THE STREET.  AGAIN, NOTHING FROM THE CAR.  HE'S FEELING MORE SECURE AND GOES TO CROSS.  THE CAR LURCHES FORWARD.  HE TRIES TO CAREFULLY GET BACK ON THE CURB BUT EACH TIME HE MAKES A MOVE, SO DOES THE CAR.

SFX:  MAMBO MUSIC UNDER THIS AS IF IT HAS BEEN CHOREGRAPHED.

Scene H looks more familiar to the viewer, still "street - day," with Lenny, Squiggy, and Carmine on the corner.  We missed Lenny's mildly shippy line, "Hey, look.  She's doing pretty good!"  And here's the original stage direction that closes the scene:

AS THE CAR COMES TO WHERE THE BOYS ARE, THEY SCATTER.  LENNY SHIMMIES UP A STREET SIGN.  CARMINE DOES A FLIP INTO A HUGE TRASH CAN.  AND SQUIGGY JUMPS INTO THE ARMS OF A BIG MAN WHO IS PASSING BY.  THE MAN IS CARRYING GROCERIES AND DROPS THEM WHEN SQUIGGY JUMPS.

The rest of the scene, including Laverne's "Hi, Fellas," and the boys following on a bike, was added.

Thoughts:

• Actually showing the lessons, on the couch and on the street, is another big improvement over the "Porcupine" script.
• The unpleasantness of the bus is a carryover from "Porcupine," but a bit funnier.
• Bimboland, where Laverne's friends live.
• Shirley, you say "Cadillac filled with corporation lawyers" like that's a good thing.
• Even in a fantasy she has constructed, Shirley has to rein in Laverne's flirting.
• Wait, Laverne is going to marry all the lawyers and have five kids?  These scripts are so poly sometimes!
• I can see why they didn't bother hiring more extras, but I like the "mambo" scene.