"Day of the Porcupine," Scene 6, and " 'Drive!' She Said," Scene K

In both versions, it's the "girls' living room - day."  In "Porcupine," we're told that it's "several days later":

CARMINE IS THERE WITH SHIRLEY.  SHE'S ON THE PHONE.

SHIRLEY

Yes.  It's still available, but you'd better hurry.  I've had a lot of calls...  Okay... I'll see you then.  (HANGS UP)  Well, I think I just sold it.

CARMINE

No kidding!

SHIRLEY

And for a hundred more than we paid for it.

CARMINE

That's great.  So everything's worked out fine.

SHIRLEY

Well, I don't know about that.

CARMINE

What do you mean?

SHIRLEY

[Word crossed out, might be "Well,"] Laverne's been acting very strange lately... she's been avoiding me... she comes home late very night, and doesn't tell me where she's been... I don't think we're friends anymore...

CARMINE

Do you ask her where's she been?

SHIRLEY

Yes, I do!  All she says is "It's personal...".

CARMINE

"It's personal," huh?  Well, when people say that it either means they're going to confession or they're seeing a married man...

CARMINE

Well, I guess she found religion...

SHIRLEY

Oh, I just wish this whole car thing never happened!

In the "DSS" script and onscreen, Carmine instead gives Shirley a piece of paper with contact info for a man who'll pay full price for the car.  Carmine asks where Laverne is and Shirley says she doesn't know, since Laverne comes home from work and then goes back out.  Carmine thinks she has a new (presumably unmarried) boyfriend, but Shirley thinks Laverne would tell her in that case.  In that script, when Carmine leaves as Laverne comes home, his exit line is, "Tell her about your boyfriend," which confuses her, but onscreen he jokes about dance steps.

In "Porcupine," Laverne just comes home, without Carmine leaving or "opening the door and pulling her in."  This is the dialogue after that:

CARMINE

Hi, Laverne...

LAVERNE

Hi, Carmine...

SHIRLEY

Hi, Laverne...

LAVERNE

Hi, Carmine...

LAVERNE TAKES OFF HER COAT, AND PUTS IT DOWN.

SHIRLEY

Can't you say hello to me, Laverne?

LAVERNE

Hello, Car-mine...

SHIRLEY

Laverne, I'm talking to you!  I'm not Carmine, I'm Shirley.

LAVERNE

Yeah, you're always acting like the car is yours...Yeah, Car-Mine!

Here's how the dialogue goes in the "DSS" script after Carmine's exit.

LAVERNE ENTERS AND CLOSES THE DOOR.  SHE'S EXCITED.

LAVERNE

Shirl, I got something to tell you.

SHIRLEY

What's he like?

LAVERNE

Carmine.

SHIRLEY

No, your new boyfriend.

LAVERNE

I don't have a new boyfriend.  I woulda told you about that....

However, onscreen, Laverne enters and whistles, making Shirley wonder if Laverne is going to whistle instead of talk, like recently.

Here's how the reveal goes in "Porcupine":

SHIRLEY

Laverne, listen, I'm really sorry about....

LAVERNE

Shirl, there's nothing to be sorry for anymore...when I was a frightened little rabbit who had to be driven around all the time, you should've apologized...Now it's too late... now, I've got this!

SHE HOLDS UP A CARD WITH A SMUG LOOK ON HER FACE.

In the "DSS" episode and onscreen, Laverne reveals what she's been up to "the last three days"/ "the last couple of nights," and says she's "been out getting one of these," before holding up a card, but not with a smug look.

In all three versions, Shirley recognizes that it's a driver's license, although it's not a temporary license in "Porcupine."  When Shirley asks how, the "Porcupine" Laverne says, "Apparently, the problem wasn't me, Shirley.  The problem was you.  All I needed was someone who was a little patient and understanding, instead of someone who was picky and short-tempered.  Once I had that, it was like falling off a log."  "DSS" Laverne says her father was the perfect teacher, although in that script he "made learning to drive a pleasure," while onscreen he "was so proud, he was jumping for joy."

In all three versions, "THE DOOR BURSTS OPEN.  FRANK STORMS IN."

"Porcupine" Frank says, "For God's sake, how many times do I have to tell you?  You park with the wheels facing the curb so it won't roll down the hill!  And another thing.  The keys.  You take them out of the car when you leave it.  Unless, of course, you left them on purpose so I could drive the car up the hill again, after it rolled down."  She replies, "I'm sorry, Pop."

Then he continues, "And for God's sake, use the parking brake.  You seem to like it enough when you're driving, so why don't you try using it when you park."  He starts to exit but adds, "A son I could have taught in an hour."

In both versions of "DSS," this was improved to her interpreting his mumbling rant for Shirley.  His exit line in that script, "A son... in an hour... I coulda taught to fly a plane," was dropped.

Here's the "Porcupine" dialogue for the rest of the scene after Frank leaves:

SHIRLEY

What was that again?  Patience and understanding?

LAVERNE

Well, maybe he screamed a lot, but his technique was much more effective than yours, Shirl.  He gave me a real incentive to get everything right.

SHIRLEY

How did he do that?

LAVERNE

He made me feel that if I didn't, he'd kill me.

THEY ALL LAUGH.  [Carmine is still in the scene, although this isn't immediately clear.]

SHIRLEY

[Handwritten insert "Please Laverne,"] I'm so sorry for the way I treated you and the things I said.

LAVERNE

[Handwritten insert "Aw,"] Forget it, Shirl.  You were caught up in the magic of owning a new car.  You felt the power, the lust... You went a little crazy...

SHIRLEY

Yeah...

LAVERNE

Well, I forgive ya, Shirl... 'Cause I know that underneath that sometimes weird exterior lurks an always weird interior...

SHIRLEY

Yeah...

THE GIRLS HUG EACH OTHER.  CARMINE BEGINS TO QUIETLY LEAVE.  SHIRLEY SPOTS HIM AS HE'S JUST ABOUT OUT THE DOOR.

SHIRLEY (CONT'D)

Where ya going Carmine?

CARMINE

This is just like in the movies.  I'm going to get a candy bar.  The mushy part always makes me hungry.

JUST AS HE'S OUT THE DOOR, HE TURNS.

CARMINE (CON'TD)

Save my seat!

HE EXITS, THE GIRLS LAUGH.

LAVERNE

I hope you haven't sold the car yet.

SHIRLEY

Well, there's a guy coming over, but I didn't commit myself.  So I think we can still keep it.

LAVERNE

That's great.  So it only cost me seventy dollars to learn how to drive.  That's not too bad.

SHIRLEY

It's less than that, Laverne.  The fender was only thirty and the barbecue pit was only fifteen.

LAVERNE

I know, I'm counting them.

SHIRLEY

Then where do you get seventy dollars from?

LAVERNE

Well, you know that house on Sutter Street with the iron jockey in front?  Well, when I was practicing with Pop's car...

"DSS" puts the emphasis more on how Frank scared Laverne but Shirley motivated her, too.  Onscreen, after the girls decide to go for a drive, we get the dialogue-less exterior scene of them interrupting a makeout with the boys and two unidentified girls.  Here's the last page of the scene in the script:

LAVERNE/SHIRLEY

I'll drive.  (MORE EMPHATICALLY) I'll drive.

SHIRLEY

We'll choose.

LAVERNE

Good.  (SHE STARTS CROSSING LIVING ROOM)

SHIRLEY

We'll flip a coin?

LAVERNE

No!

SHIRLEY

Odds and evens?

LAVERNE

No!

SHIRLEY

How do you want to choose?

LAVERNE

(NOW NEAR FRONT DOOR) I'll race you to the car.  (SHE DASHES OUT AND CLOSES THE DOOR)

SHIRLEY CHASES HER.

SHIRLEY

You're rotten, Laverne.

SHE RUNS OUT.

Thoughts:

• These scenes are the most similar so far, but the emphasis is different in places and the ways the jokes play out was still being polished even by filming.
• On the one hand, I like the girls making a $100 profit on the car (well, minus $70 in damages), and on the other, it's too Chekhov's Gun to leave us wondering if Shirley can rescind the offer.  It works better to have her not calling the potential buyer yet.
• Carmine actually calls Porcupine Shirley out on her melodrama, but then he gossips about Laverne potentially dating a married man.
• Laverne must know more than one married man, even if this is not the easy Laverne of Season Seven.
• The "Porcupine" script sure likes feeble puns on people's names, like with "La-verne la-learning" earlier and "Car-mine" here.
• I'm not clear why Shirley should apologize for chauffeuring Laverne around.  Doesn't Laverne bear any guilt for that?
• While both versions of Frank's "son" line are kind of funny, they seem needlessly cruel, cutting into Laverne's triumph.
• I like Laverne's line about Shirley's weirdness, since it's her take on their friendship, but I can see why it, and the thing about Shirley's lust for power, were cut.
• I also kind of like Carmine's line about mushiness making him hungry.  But this part of the scene doesn't really need him, and it makes sense that "DSS" has him exit after Laverne comes home.
• The onscreen ending of the scene is best.