"Day of the Porcupine," Scene 5 and " 'Drive!' She Said," Scene J

We go back to the "girls' living room - day":

IT'S A FEW HOURS LATER.  THE DOOR OPENS AND LAVERNE ENTERS.  SHE LOOKS DEFEATED.  A BEAT, THEN SHIRLEY ENTERS, A BAND-AID ON HER FOREHEAD.  SHE MOVES QUICKLY PAST LAVERNE WITHOUT SAYING ANYTHING.  SHE GETS A BOTTLE OF SODA AND SITS DOWN WITH HER BACK FACING LAVERNE.  A BEAT, THEN LAVERNE COMES OVER TO HER.

LAVERNE

Shirl?

SHIRLEY

Not now, Laverne.  Please not now.

LAVERNE

Can't I say just one thing?

SHIRLEY

No!

LAVERNE

Just one thing.

SHIRLEY

All right.  Go ahead.

LAVERNE

Whatever happens...however much it costs...I just want you to know that I'm very, very sorry.

SHIRLEY

Is that it?

LAVERNE

Yeah, that's it.

SHIRLEY

You're sorry.

LAVERNE

Yes, I'm sorry.

SHIRLEY

(DELIBERATELY, TEETH CLENCHED) You drive my car into a man's barbecue pit and all you can say is you're sorry?

LAVERNE

But Shirl, you told me to turn.

SHIRLEY

Laverne, when someone says, "Turn here," they mean at the corner.

LAVERNE

I'm sorry, I panicked.  I was nervous.

SHIRLEY

(SARCASTIC) That's all right, Laverne.  I'd be nervous too if I'd just missed running over a traffic cop.

LAVERNE

I couldn't help it.  I got scared.  I'm driving along and I suddenly see a man standing in the middle of the street waving his arms [question mark changed to an exclamation point]

SHIRLEY

(SLOW, ICY) Laverne, the reason he was waving his arms was that you had just gone through a stop light.

LAVERNE

But why did he have to get so excited?

SHIRLEY

I don't know.  He's probably just one of those sticklers for rules.

LAVERNE

Wait a minute!  What am I worried about?  You're the one who talked me into driving.

SHIRLEY

(SARCASTIC) You're right!  The whole thing was my fault.

That was all dumped, except for that last line, which would change in meaning.  Here's how the Shooting Script launched the scene:

INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY

THE DOOR OPENS.  SHIRLEY ENTERS, JUST ABOUT WORN OUT.  LAVENRE ENTERS, DEPRESSED.  WITH HER IS POLICE OFFICER NORMAN HUGHES.  SHIRLEY GOES TO THE BEDROOM WITHOUT SPEAKING.

Now, onscreen, we first see the girls returning outside, and Shirley does look worn out.  But rather than being depressed, Laverne is bickering with Norman, although we can't hear the words.

The first part of their scripted exchange indoors was kept, but we lost this:

LAVERNE

It was my first offense.

HUGHES

It was my best pair of shoes.

LAVERNE

Want a drink?

HUGHES

Nah, I'm on duty.

Norman asking if Laverne will pay him back on their next date, and his delight when she says yes, were added.  Also, Laverne asking if Shirley has a headache, and Shirley sarcastically saying she's practicing for Pin the Tail on the Donkey, were not in the script, where Shirley's (re)entrance line was a non-sarcastic "Don't say anything.  It's all my fault."

Shirley's little speech about her "strange view of the world" is in both versions of the script, as well as onscreen, but the "seventy-nine-year-old man with no teeth driving a car" was just some random senior citizen in "Porcupine," while in "DSS" it's Shirley's Uncle Phil.  Also, in "Porcupine," Shirley continued, "I see street signs that read 'One Way' and I mistakenly figure that you know the way they mean!  I'm funny that way!", which was hand-changed to "...I'm funny about things like that!"

And here's the last page of the scene in "Porcupine":

LAVERNE

(PRACTICALLY IN TEARS) Shirl, there must be a way to work this out.  Maybe, if you only drive me to places where I wasn't going to stay long -- or if you brought a book with you every time.

SHIRLEY

No, Laverne.  I'm afraid it's over.  I'm going to sell the car, buy the man a new barbecue pit and forget the whole thing.

LAVERNE

Shirl...

SHIRLEY

(PLAYING THE MARTYR) Save your breath Laverne... I've made up my mind!

LAVERNE CAN'T CONTROL HERSELF ANY LONGER.  SHE BREAKS OUT IN THE BIGGEST "BOO-BOO" FACE IN THE HISTORY OF "BOO-BOO'S" AND RUNS OUT.

SHIRLEY DEJECTEDLY FLOPS ON THE COUCH.

SHIRLEY

(TO HERSELF, NEAR TEARS) I'm sorry, Laverne.

By the time of the Shooting Script, things were less melodramatic, but there's again a somewhat mean-spirited part that was left out, after Laverne runs out wearing a "boo boo face":

LENNY (O.S.)

Hey, Laverne.

SQUIGGY (O.S.)

We hear you killed some Cub Scouts.

LAVERNE (O.S.)

I didn't kill them.

LENNY (O.S.)

Why don't you go back for another shot?

SHIRLEY

(STILL LYING ON COUCH) Lenny and Squiggy are picking on Laverne... Good!!!

Deescalating the girls' melodrama was a wise move, as was of course the replacement of a nameless cop with good old Officer Norman Hughes.  But it looks like finally, five scenes into the "Porcupine" script, they were starting to stumble out of the darkness and figure out what they were doing.