"Dance Studio" script, Scene H

The omitted tag for this script isn't as surprising as those for "Monastery" or "Debutante," but it's still worth quoting in full.  It's back to the girls' apartment at night.

LAVERNE, SHIRLEY AND CARMINE ARE EATING DINNER.

CARMINE

Tell you what.  Tomorrow night after the grand opening party, I'll take you two out to dinner.

SHIRLEY

Anywhere we want?

CARMINE

Sure.  Why not?

LAVERNE

Ernie's Hot Dog Stand.

SHIRLEY

You don't pick Ernie's when a man says 'anywhere.'

LAVERNE

I like Ernie's.  He got a new umbrella and everything.

LENNY AND SQUIGGY ENTER.  LENNY IS CARRYING A SIGN WITH THE PRINTED SIDE FACING HIM.

SQUIGGY

We're wise to your little game, Mr. Big Ragoo.

LENNY

Yeah.  We know the only reason you bought the dance studio was to get girls.

SQUIGGY

So brace yourself for some stiff competition.

LENNY TURNS THE SIGN AROUND FOR THEM TO READ.

SHIRLEY

(READING) "Lenny and Squiggy's School of Ballet and Brew."

LAVERNE

I don't get it.

LENNY

It's simple.  We take girls in the back of our truck, teach them a few steps, give them a few beers...

SQUIGGY

And we're in business.

THEY DO RONNIES.

CARMINE

And people are gonna pay you for that, huh?

LENNY

Them pay us?

SQUIGGY

Len, I think this calls for a better sign.

LENNY AND SQUIGGY EXIT.  LAVERNE, SHIRLEY AND CARMINE GO BACK TO EATING.

Yes, they do Ronnies, because "Ronnie" apparently can be both a noun and a verb.  This tag puts the boys' lust over their greed, but the scene just sort of fizzles out.  The thing about Ernie's is also cute but not necessary.  Cutting this tag seems to have been the way to go.

Nicholas DeMarco's only Laverne & Shirley script has a zany irreverence that would've taken the show in some different directions, but I can't necessarily see Garry Marshall and the other powers that be going for it.  It gave a solid skeleton for the episode though, and I definitely would've liked to see what DeMarco could've offered in later seasons.

"Penny Marshall & Cindy Williams" book, Chapter Seven

This chapter focuses on Penny's relationship with second husband, Rob Reiner, including how their insecurities meshed, in his case because he was in the shadow of his famous father, Carl.  Rob worked things out somewhat in therapy, while Penny was even insecure about liking Rob more than he liked her.  It's interesting that Rob "yelled and screamed a lot," while Penny "hated noise," in contrast to Laverne.

They lived together before marriage and put off the wedding until after the first season of All in the Family.  The ceremony was in his parents' backyard, with a speech by Martin Landau.  The couple improvised their vows, with Rob promising to be her best friend and her pledging, "I'll try not to make you nervous."  Then everyone ate Chinese take-out.

They bought a modest ranch house that they decorated in a style they called "early funk."  They got a dog they named Barney after the restaurant where they had their first date.  Their cat was called The Ghost of Harry Rubin.  "(The ways of Penny and Rob are not always readily comprehensible.)"

Rob did the cooking and seems to have been a good stepfather to Tracy, who he adopted.

Amusingly, AitF "is said to be in its last season," but Reiner would hang on for another couple years, and Archie Bunker's Place would stay on the air until 1983, the same year Laverne & Shirley would bow out.  (But Rob and Penny would be divorced by then.)

Without irony, Berman says that Penny feared ending up "penniless," thinking she had hit her peak of fame.  Penny didn't yet think of pursuing anything but acting, although Rob did want to write, direct, and produce.  Both feared being accused of benefiting from nepotism, but they also used humor to deal with stress.

Rob was proud of Penny's success and said, "I love it.  I'd like my family to be in control of the airwaves as long as possible!"

Neither of them was into fashion, or even just shopping for clothes.  In Penny's case, it was related to her insecurity about her looks, although Berman writes that Penny "looks lovely when she's in a fancy dress."

Penny was very happy with Rob and the chapter closes out with this quote, "He's a totally non-chauvinistic male.  Sure, it's been great.  Funny how things go.  When we were kids, I was older than he was.  But not now.  I wonder how that happened!"

(Rob was three years and a few months younger than Penny, not two years as Berman claims, although oddly enough, this book has Penny's birth year as '42 rather than '43.)

"Laverne & Shirley": The Collector's Edition, Volume 3

We've met the girls and the boys, so let's see them "At the Brewery":

"Laverne and Shirley, television's first female blue-collar workers, went to work at the Shotz Brewery as bottle-cappers immediately after high school and 'seem to survive,' commented The New York Times, 'through the mercy of wisecracks.'  While the best friends dream of a better life and sing 'High Hopes,' the Frank Sinatra song about an ant who wants to move a rubber tree plant, their jobs in the brewery pays [sic] tribute to the virtues of hard work with proletariat dignity.  Laverne and Shirley premiered at No. 1 in 1976 and ran through 1983--for a grand total of 178 hilarious episodes."  Inaccuracies aside (it wasn't No. 1 right away, and even a die-hard fan doesn't believe every episode is "hilarious"), this is a decent (and possibly socialist) view of the girls' working life in Milwaukee.  And since bottle-capping was mentioned even on their first Happy Days cameo, this is a good idea for a theme.

The first episode on this cassette is indeed about and heavily set at the brewery.  It's from late in the second season, "Lonely at the Middle": "Promoted to supervisor, Shirley gets carried away trying to increase productivity and becomes an unbearable efficiency expert at the brewery and at home with Laverne.  Note: Director Jim Burrows created Cheers.  Pat McCormick (Big Henry Wanda) was a regular on The Don Rickles Show and The New Bill Cosby Show."  This time the Stay Tuned is Laverne's straightforward, "Shirl and I will be back in a minute, so don't go away."

The next selection is an odd choice, and not just because it's one of my least favorites.  In "Take My Plants -- Please," from Season Three, "Laverne and Shirley are laid off from the Shotz Brewery and go into business selling plants--relying on a book of zany sales techniques--while Lenny and Squiggy invent a radio toothbrush.  Note: Cissy Colpitts (Dolores) starred as Graziella on the short-lived Ted Knight Show."  I would think the appearance of Ralph James before Mork & Mindy is more relevant, but whatever.  I'm more puzzled why they would include an episode whose synopsis has the words "laid off from the Shotz Brewery" on a collection of "At the Brewery." 

This time Shirley's Stay Tuned is "There's more coming up, so don't you go away."  The rock & roll music for the radio toothbrush incidentally remains generic, so we don't even have a music-rights reason for this episode to be in the collection. 

While Season Four's "There's a Spy in My Beer" is not one of my favorites, it definitely fits the "At the Brewery" category, with everything except the middle third being set at Shotz:  "When Laverne, convinced that a spy is trying to steal the secret formula for diet beer from the Shotz Brewery, persuades Shirley to help her stake out the vat room one night to catch the spy in the act, the two girls wind up swimming in a vat of beer.  Note: Dick Yarmy (Ludwig Stenger) was Don Adams' younger brother, best known for his 'George and Martha' commercials for Union Oil."  The Stay Tuned is again Shirley's "There's more coming up, so don't you go away."

Season Five's "Testing, Testing" is one of my all-time favorites, at the brewery or elsewhere.  "When Laverne and Shirley discover that employees at the brewery must undergo psychological examinations, they panic, concerned that they will reveal their innermost thoughts.  Note: This episode contains the classic TV line: 'Why do you want to live in a cow?' "  That's hardly the funniest line on the episode, but that's OK.  This is a great episode and it is mostly set at Shotz, with some "industry jargon" that Shirley tries to teach Laverne.  The Stay Tuned is the one where Lenny calls Squiggy a jerk for thinking the show is over before the tag.

If I were putting this tape together, I would've swapped out "Plants" for one of the "Shotz Talent Show" episodes, but overall this is a good representation of what life is like "at the brewery."

"Dance Studio" script, Scene E

Now it's night at the Dance Studio.  In the episode, Carmine would see and read aloud the inscription on an autographed picture of Gene Kelly, but here he sees a picture of himself.  The script says that Carmine "breaks into the dance of his choice," and presumably Eddie chose the song he dances and sings voiceover to, "By Myself."

The first part of the dialogue when Frank and Edna come in was kept, but in the episode Carmine refuses to give a dance lesson, while this is another surreal DeMarco sequence we missed out on:

CARMINE

What did you want to learn?

FRANK

What do you got?

EDNA

Frank, this isn't a deli.

CARMINE

That's okay.  I got a special on Latin dances this week.  The Merengue, Pachanga, Cha-Cha...

FRANK

Nah, somethin' American.  Rhumba.

CARMINE

Okay.  That's an easy one.  It's just a box step.  TAKES EDNA IN HIS ARMS.) [First parenthesis missing]   Come on, Edna.  You know this one.  (TO FRANK) You stand behind me and do what I do.

FRANK STANDS RIGHT BEHIND CARMINE AS THEY ALL START TO DANCE.

FRANK

Dummy, went to a loan shark.

CARMINE TURNS TO ANSWER FRANK AND WINDS UP DANCING WITH FRANK WHILE EDNA FOLLOWS CARMINE'S FEET.

CARMINE

Look, I didn't want to...

FRANK

I ain't dancin' with you.

FRANK TURNS CARMINE BACK TO EDNA.

FRANK (CONT'D)

Don't you know those guys break your legs if you don't pay?

CARMINE

I had no choice.  Every bank in town turned me down.

FRANK

Sure.  They don't know ya since you were a kid.

EDNA

Frank's right.  You should have gone to people who know you.

CARMINE

You kiddin'?  The people I know borrow money from me.

FRANK

Okay, lesson's over.  What do I owe ya?

CARMINE

Nothin'.  This one's on me.

EDNA

No, Carmine.  It was a good lesson, and we want to pay for it.

FRANK REACHES INTO HIS POCKET AND PULLS OUT A DOCUMENT AND HANDS IT TO CARMINE.

FRANK

Here.  We got you a loan from the bank.

In the script, Frank does put the Pizza Bowl up for collateral, but Edna does not put up the apartment building, which I feel like is a Betty Garrett addition, as is Edna's line about "people like us looking out for each other."

The episode breaks for commercial after Frank's joke about breaking Carmine's legs (which DeMarco did have), but the rest of the scene ended up as the tag.  (Which means we get an omitted original tag, for Scene H.)

The recurring joke about Eskimo pies was added later, but Carmine making up with the girls is pretty much as written, although Carmine does not call Laverne "Vernie" in the script.  Also, he was supposed to pat Laverne on the head, not mess her hair up.  Furthermore, the script says, "Carmine kisses Laverne," it does not say he sweeps her into his arms to kiss her, so Eddie could've interpreted the direction as a little kiss.

Then again, the three of them were supposed to "walk arm in arm out the door" after Shirl's line "Please.  Don't do that again."  So DeMarco remains a propagandist for polyamory.

"Dance Studio" script, Scene D

 It's back to the girls' apartment, later that day:

LAVERNE IS ON PHONE. SHIRLEY IS PACKING.

LAVERNE

(HANGS UP THE PHONE) He's not at the Pizza Bowl.  I'll check the hospital.

SHIRLEY

You really think they hurt him?

LAVERNE

Shins?

SHIRLEY

Carmine's poor little legs.  (GETTING CARRIED AWAY) I'll nurse him back to health if it's the last thing I ever do.  He'll walk again.

CARMINE BURSTS THROUGH THE DOOR WITH A STEERING WHEEL AROUND HIS NECK.

SHIRLEY

He's walking.  It's a miracle.

CARMINE STALKS THE GIRLS.

CARMINE

I'm walking 'cause they wrecked my car.

LAVERNE

(KIDDING) I like your necklace.

CARMINE

Very funny.  This could've been my leg wrapped around my neck.

LAVERNE

We were just tryin' to help.

CARMINE

All you did was mess up my last chance to ever get that dance studio.  I wanted to have my own business, to be somebody.  And you two wrecked it.  (LONG BEAT OF SILENCE)  I'm going to the studio and pack my stuff.  I'm takin' off.  I don't want to stay in a town where I'm a nobody.  And it would get awful lonely stickin' around here without any friends.  See ya around.

HE EXITS.  THE GIRLS STARE AT EACH OTHER FOR A BEAT AND DO BOO BOO FACES.

All that was kept of these two pages was some of Carmine's speech and the girls' boo boo faces.  The rest was rewritten, perhaps for the best.  Still, it's interesting to see DeMarco again going for a more absurd sort of humor.

"Dance Studio" script, Scene C

Scene C is set in the Dance Studio, later that afternoon, which I guess means this is a Saturday, since the girls don't have to be at work.  It also implies that they're executing their plan pretty quickly.

LAVERNE (O.S.)

Can't we wear somethin' better than this?

LAVERNE AND SHIRLEY ENTER FROM THE DRESSING ROOM.  THEY ARE WEARING TORN TIGHTS, OLD SEQUINED SHORTS WITH LARGE PATCHES OF SEQUINS MISSING, AND SHABBY TUXEDO-TYPE JACKETS AND TAP SHOES.

SHIRLEY

No.  The place has to look crummy so Rocky won't give Carmine the money.

These are obviously not the costumes from the episode.  And they don't seem to care as much about the appearance of the place in the episode.  In fact, Laverne sweeps up.

The part where Shirley "does sexy shoulder shake" and says she can handle Carmine made it in.

LENNY AND SQUIGGY ENTER CARRYING A SLEDGE HAMMER AND CROWBAR.  THEY SEE THE GIRLS.

SQUIGGY

My, my.  Don't you look shabby.  I like it.

LAVERNE

What'd you bring those things for?

LENNY

Squiggy came up with a great idea.  See, we tear the place down to the ground.  Then it ain't here, and nobody can find it.

SQUIGGY

I like it better every time I hear it.

SHIRLEY

Don't touch anything.

LAVERNE

Get back there.  We got costumes for you.

THEY PUSH THE BOYS INTO THE DRESSING ROOM.

SQUIGGY

Okay, but control yourselves and don't peek.

LENNY
I hope they got us tights.  It'll show off our shapely legs.

THE BOYS EXIT TO DRESSING ROOM.

None of that made it in.  I'm not sure how in character it is, but it has a Marx-Brothers-like zaniness to it.  In the episode, Squiggy snaps, "Don't peek!" when Laverne checks up on them in the dressing room.

TWO MEN ENTER.  THEY ARE ROCKY AND SHINS.  ROCKY IS DRESSED IN A GANGSTER-TYPE OUTFIT.  SHINS IS WEARING A CHEAP SUIT THAT'S TOO SMALL FOR HIS NEANDERTHAL BODY.

Nathan the Greek's outfit matches this, but Shins's outfit actually looks a little large for him.

In the episode, Shins calls them both bimbos, but the dialogue runs differently in the script, and no one slaps Shins:

ROCKY

Where's Ragusa?  Some bimbo called and said to meet him here.

LAVERNE

Oh, that Carmine.  He's always running around with some bimbo.  Spends money like water.  But you don't want to hear that.

ROCKY

Yes, I do.  Where is he?

LAVERNE

Where he always is.  At the race track.

SHIRLEY

Losing large sums of money he had to borrow in the first place.

The girls say that they're Carmine's dance instructors, the only ones who didn't run off when he couldn't pay them, although he's now "got some sucker lined up for a loan."  They also say that the entire student body of two will perform a recital.

LENNY AND SQUIGGY ENTER IN SEEDY TOP HATS AND TAILS WITH CANES.

SHIRLEY

(CALLING O.S.) Boys, we're ready.

LAVERNE STARTS THE MUSIC, AND THE FOUR OF THEM DO A COMEDY TAP DANCE "42ND. STREET."  CHOREOGRAPHED BY GARY MENTEER.  ROCKY AND SHINS START TO EXIT.

ROCKY

Come on, Shins.

SHIRLEY

Don't you want to wait to see Mr. Ragusa?

ROCKY

(PUNCHES FIST INTO PALM) We'll see him.  We're gonna talk to him about some suckers he knows.

THEY EXIT.  LAVERNE AND SHIRLEY HAVE A SICK LOOK ON THEIR FACE [sic].

SQUIGGY

These guys ain't gonna lend Carmine a dime.  We sure did good.

LENNY

Well, we did mess up that one step.  It should have been one, two, three, kick.

Almost none of this made it into the filmed episode, where they instead do a ridiculous "Hula Baby" number.  I can kind of picture MMK's theater-kid delivery on Lenny's closing line.  Note that at this time, Gary Menteer was an associate producer over at Happy Days, although he would direct two "theatrical" Californian episodes, "Child's Play" and "That's Entertainment."  DeMarco does seem to have been aware of behind-the-scenes stuff at Paramount, unless other people are responsible for some of the stage directions in this script.

The major difference in this scene is that the girls are trying to shake Rocky's confidence in Carmine on several grounds, while in the episode it's just that the "star pupils" suck.  I don't know if the changes improved this scene or made it worse, but the two versions might be equal.

"Dance Studio" script, Scene B

 Like Scene A, Scene B is about ten pages, but a lot more eventful.  It's the next day at the girls' apartment.  "Carmine is nervously looking out the window and looking at his watch."  I don't know how he could've done both simultaneously, but on the episode Laverne is giving him a shoulder massage as he paces.  The dialogue for the next page or so is basically the same though.  Mr. Caulley is described as "a small mousey [sic] man," and the actor they had not yet cast at the time of this version of the script fits that.  

Interestingly, Laverne offering a cookie and then a banana was added later, while in the script "Mr. Caulley enters and sees Laverne" and immediately makes the "lovely wife" assumption.  Carmine putting his arm around Laverne and them calling each other "Darling," "Honey," and "Dear" was also added.  And, yep, Carmine and Laverne cuddling on the couch and him stroking her hair was not in the original stage directions.

Here's some omitted dialogue for you to savor:

CAULLEY

Now, under employment experience you've listed: Boxer, house painter, dance instructor, singer, bouncer and escort to Mrs. Lockwash, whoever that is.

CARMINE

I know, it seems like I jumped around.

CAULLEY

No, that's fine, we find that very industrious.  I bet Mrs. Ragusa is very proud of you.

LAVERNE

Oh yeah, his mother think he's great.

CAULLEY

You are Mrs. Ragusa.

LAVERNE

Right.  I like him too.

So is Carmine's mother canonically alive at this point?  And, heh, about the Mrs. Lockwash reference, a little pay-off to people who remember from Season Two.

The part where Laverne says they have no kids, and Carmine tells her that she's pregnant, runs differently enough to be quoted in full:

CAULLEY

Now.  You didn't fill in this space under children.

LAVERNE

Nope, no kids.

CAULLEY

Too bad.  Children give a couple a sense of permanence.

CARMINE

But Laverne is pregnant.

LAVERNE

No.  It's my sweater.  It's bulky.

CARMINE

Oh I didn't tell you?  The Doctor called and said the rabbit died.

LAVERNE

Of what?

In the episode, she's not wearing a bulky sweater but instead a form-fitting blouse.  And the "Of what?" is omitted.

The dialogue is mostly intact for the next couple pages, but Carmine and Laverne getting up and hugging was added.  Another addition was Laverne's "He's my lord and master."

Here's another omission, covering two pages:

CAULLEY

That's awfully big to be a new born baby.

SHIRLEY

That's because it took so long to have it.  It took eleven months instead of the usual nine.  I was three weeks in labor.  And let me tell you I am pooped.

CAULLEY

Well it doesn't look at all like you or Carmine.  Or Laverne.

CARMINE AND LAVERNE ARE COMING OUT OF THE BEDROOM.

SHIRLEY

Oh, you've met our neighbor, Laverne.

CAULLEY

She says she's your wife.  Somebody better explain what's going on here.

LAVERNE

Okay.  You want the truth, you got it.  See I married Carmine seven years ago but mysteriously disappeared.

CARMINE

We looked everywhere for her.

LAVERNE

Anyway when they couldn't find me after a couple years Carmine went ahead and married Shirley.

SHIRLEY

I only did it to help him out of his grief.  We were sure Laverne had died.

LAVERNE

That's right.  And then when I showed up safe and sound about three months ago we decided we should all just live together.

SHIRLEY

It may seem very strange but we're all very understanding.

CARMINE

That makes sense, don't it, Mr. Caulley?

CAULLEY

I'll tell you what makes sense.  It makes sense that I'm not going to lend you any money.  Mr. Ragusa you are either a liar or a bigamist.  Either way Pfister Finance says no.

HE STARTS TO GO.

LAVERNE

All right, go.  And I wouldn't name a dog Euripides.

MR. CAULLEY EXITS.

In the episode as aired, the jig is up within a couple lines, and we miss the girls' farcical explanation (which I think is an homage to My Favorite Wife [1940]).  The episode goes to a commercial break, but when they come back it's still Scene B.  The dialogue for the next page and a half is much the same, although "Nathan the Greek" was originally "Rocky" (and another as yet uncast role).  We did lose Shirley's line, "How can he dance with broken legs?", which is probably just as well.  The dialogue with Shirley naively hoping that Nathan is a nice loan shark, and Laverne saying he's not a "loan bunny" was added.  The girls in the episode feel they need to do something, but we don't find out what until later.  In the script, we get a bit of a hint of their plans:

SHIRLEY

...Maybe Rocky won't loan Carmine the money if he doesn't like the dance studio.

LAVERNE

But there's nothing wrong with the dance studio.

SHIRLEY

Not now, but I'm sure that with a little help, we can make it very unattractive.

LENNY AND SQUIGGY ENTER.

SQUIGGY

Hello.

And so ends Act One.

Again, DeMarco shows both a knowledge of show lore (that would've been a swell hello) and an odd interpretation of character.  Lines where the girls are overly dumb were wisely omitted.  The scene is funny in this version, but I can see why it was shortened.  (And Susan Leeper probably wasn't thrilled about the polyamory references.)  Also, I don't know if it was director Ray DeVally Jr. or Eddie & Penny who were responsible for the extra Carverne being filmed.  (Yes, we will get to Carmine kissing Laverne later.)

"Penny Marshall & Cindy Williams" book, Chapter Six

Instead of going back to Penny, Berman goes into more detail on Cindy's film roles.  There's something a bit poignant in her getting such cinematic acclaim but hoping that her fears about being typecast as a wholesome '50s girl would not come true, only to have people offended by her role in (not named in this chapter) The First Nudie Musical, described as "a bawdy musical spoof parodying both the old Busby-Berkeley musicals and the modern movies of the seventies."  Indeed, it would be harder for Cindy get good film roles after Laverne & Shirley, but no one knew that in '77.

The discussion of American Graffiti of course leads to the greenlighting of Happy Days, and a brief mention of when she went out with Henry Winkler, which I think comes up again later in the book.  I also have to note that Cindy says, "There's a real feeling of spontaneity.  We'll just do anything they'll tell us to do.  Last week, for instance, Penny and I stood on our heads and sang 'I Believe.' "  That dates that interview at least to the filming of "From Suds to Stardom," which aired on May 11, 1976 and presumably was filmed in April at the latest.  So Berman must've started working on this book in Season One, when the show was only starting to be a hit.

"Dance Studio" script, Scene A

Although "The Dance Studio" would air a bit after "The Debutante Ball," the Pre-Production Draft of the former predates the Revised Shooting Script of the latter, suggesting that different scripts were at different phases simultaneously.  Anyway, for a draft, the February 1, 1978 version is not drastically different from the "DS" episode, and in fact it's the least changed of the four scripts I've examined so far.  Nonetheless, there are some interesting differences.

"The dining table is set up just outside the kitchen.  Edna and Frank are having dinner with the girls.  They are just finishing up."  But as with "Debutante," apparently the first thing to go in a Scene A is part of a meal.  Here's what's missing:

SHIRLEY

More turnips, Mrs. Babish?

EDNA

No thanks, but they were delicious.  I never saw anyone put tomato sauce on them before.

FRANK

(SOTTO VOCE TO EDNA) I never want to see that again.

LAVERNE

I thought everything was nice.

EDNA

Very nice.  (ELBOWS FRANK)

FRANK

Nice.

SHIRLEY

This is what I cook for.  The satisfaction I get seeing the joy of others, as they bask in a hearty meal.

FRANK

(GETTING UP TO LEAVE) Right.  Let's go home.

The episode just starts with Frank saying to Edna, "OK, let's get outa here."  Then the dialogue is intact if paraphrased until we get to Frank asking why Laverne isn't married yet.

LAVERNE

(UNCOMFORTABLE) I'm seein' a couple guys.

FRANK

Bums.  No classy guys.

SHIRLEY

I've told her that.

FRANK

Why can't you be more like Shirley?

SHIRLEY

I tell her that all the time...

FRANK

Another thing...

The episode picks up with Laverne getting up and "hustling Frank out."  Note that when Edna invites Frank up to her apartment she says it "sexy," which Betty Garrett interpreted as patting Phil Foster on the butt.

Shirley was supposed to yell after them, "Wait.  I put extra turnips in a doggie bag," to which Laverne would comment, "Good.  Then they won't leak into the garbage can."

SHIRLEY

Is that a crack about my cooking?

THEY ARE CLEARING THE TABLE

SHIRLEY (CONT'D)

Because I don't have to do this.  I'll let you rot on the stuff you cook for yourself.

In the episode as aired, Shirley is disappointed that Frank and Edna didn't stay longer, and Laverne sympathetically says it's too bad they missed dessert.  Shirley says there's more of her fried parsnip custard for the two of them.  Then Laverne wonders where the Bromo is, so Shirley asks if that's a comment on her cooking.  The part about Laverne saying that she doesn't need to cook and Shirley asking how Laverne intends to keep a husband happy is similar, but dig this amazing stage direction:

LAVERNE LOOKS DREAMILY OUT INTO THE DISTANCE.  SHE IS THINKING DIRTY THOUGHTS.  THOUGHTS OF SEX SO DEPRAVED THAT IT WOULD CURL YOUR HAIR... THAT'S RIGHT, SUSAN LEEPER, AND THERE'S NOTHING YOU CAN DO BECAUSE YOU CAN'T CENSOR THOUGHTS... YET.

Would it surprise you to learn that Nicholas DeMarco never wrote for Laverne & Shirley, or indeed any network television, ever again?  As for Susan Leeper, a quick Google search shows that she was one of the VPs of Comedy at ABC in the '90s, and presumably she had some role in censoring L & S in the '70s.  I can only assume that that stage direction did not make it intact into the final draft, but I bet Penny got a kick out of it.

Carmine's entrance "all beaten up" and the next three pages or so made it mostly unchanged, although his "Ahh.  Don't touch me there.  Funny, that's what you usually say" was earlier in the scene, before Laverne leaves the room.  Also, the girls kept their money in the cookie jar rather than the Bible, so there wasn't the thing of the three of them praying for more money.

Interestingly, it was originally Laverne's idea, rather than Carmine's, for Carmine and Shirley to pretend to be married.

CARMINE

They don't loan money to young guys, especially without collateral.

LAVERNE

Well, there's your answer.

CARMINE

Where?

LAVERNE

You and Shirley.

CARMINE

Get married?  Hah!

SHIRLEY

Oh, well, thanks a lot.

CARMINE

I didn't mean that.  Nothing personal.  Maybe someday, who knows.

LAVERNE

You don't have to do it for real.  Just pretend.

SHIRLEY

That's dishonest.

In the episode, Shirley thinks it's a come-on, and Laverne suggests Ready Betty Wazelewsky, who was in the "Debutante Ball" script.  When Shirley understands and reluctantly agrees, Laverne suggests they get a little practice at being married, prompting Shirley's "bus into Filthtown" remark.

In the script, Shirley agrees while Laverne is getting meat for Carmine's eye.

SHIRLEY

Meet Shirley Ragusa.  Got a nice ring to it.

LAVERNE

Great.  Here, we're out of steak.  Put this on your eye.

SHE PUTS A CHICKEN ON HIS EYE.

CARMINE

A chicken looks stupid.  Don't you have something else?

LAVERNE

Okay, but you're gonna look even dumber wearing a breaded veal cutlet.

The girls have chicken and veal, but they're serving Frank and Edna turnips?  Some other puzzling things about this long (ten-page) scene.  Since when does Frank compare Laverne to Shirley?  And Shirley wouldn't back him up like that.  Who were the couple guys Laverne was seeing at this point?  Was Laverne nudging Carmine and Shirley towards marriage or at least sex, or was she just trying to simultaneously tease them and help him financially?  Why is Carmine the one reluctant to get married, when we know that Shirley is still holding out for a doctor?  The chicken is in a "bag," presumably uncooked, which is of course less funny than a chicken out of a bag.  (But maybe not as funny as Ron Howard with a dead fish on his face.)

The script isn't bad, and I did give the resulting episode a B.  (It's not like "Monastery," where we discover that a terrible episode could've actually been worse.)  But it is a bit off in characterization, even if we definitely get what That Bouvier Girl calls "the Laverne Is a Horny Virgin trope" in a big way.  Still, for a newbie getting his bearings, DeMarco is off to a promising start.

"Debutante Ball" script, Scene L

If I'd had to guess, I would've said that after Shirley crawled out the "wine cellar" window, she went around and let Frank and Squiggy out, or at least alerted Mary and/or Tony.  But, no, the original tag would have us believe that she hightailed it to the ball with Lenny's royalty papers.  And that is not even the most surprising thing here....

INT. PIZZA BOWL CELLAR - LATER THAT NIGHT

FRANK AND SQUIGGY ARE SEATED AT THE TABLE WHICH IS NOW COVERED WITH EMPTY WINE BOTTLES.  THEY ARE BOTH DRUNK OUT OF THEIR MINDS AND SINGING THEIR LITTLE HEARTS OUT.

FRANK

Hey, say it again.

SQUIGGY

What?

FRANK

Come on.  You know.

SQUIGGY

Okay, 'Pop'.

FRANK

I love it.  I always did want a son.

SQUIGGY

I always did want a father.

LAVERNE, SHIRLEY AND LENNY ENTER.  SHIRLEY PROPS THE DOOR OPEN WITH A CHAIR.  THEY AD LIB "ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?"

SQUIGGY

Look, it's the bride.

FRANK

You look beautiful, Muffin.

LAVERNE

Thanks, Pop.

SHIRLEY

Lenny, take them upstairs and sober them up.

LAVERNE

We'll clean up the place.

FRANK AND SQUIGGY EACH PUT AN ARM AROUND LENNY AS HE HELPS THEM UP.

LENNY

You shoulda seen the ball.  It was very lovely, Squig.

SQUIGGY

Did you get anything off a princess?

THEY EXIT.  AS THEY GO THE DOOR IS KICKED SHUT.

SHIRLEY

We're trapped in the mummy's tomb.

LENNY COMES BACK, OPENING THE DOOR.

LENNY

I want to thank you for coming with me, Laverne.

HE PROPS THE DOOR OPEN WITH CHAIR AND EXITS.

LAVERNE

Don't Lenny look great in those tails?  He was a good Count.

SHIRLEY

And you were a heck of a little debutante.  I was so proud when you danced with the Duke.

LAVERNE

Yeah.  I got his phone number.  How much to you think it is to call Casa Blanca?

SHIRLEY

Call him any time you want.  I'll chip in.

LAVERNE

Really?  Thanks.

SHIRLEY

Forget it.  There is a little thing you could do for me, though.

LAVERNE

Name it.

SHIRLEY REACHES IN HER COAT AND REMOVES THE PIGEON.

SHIRLEY

I want this little bird real bad.  Please!  Please!

LAVERNE

Oh, not again.  We can't have any pets.  Didn't you learn with the canaries and the horse?

THEY START TO ROLL OUT.  LAVERNE IS SHAKING HER HEAD "NO".

SHIRLEY

It'll be different this time.  I promise.  We'll build it a little house, and I'll feed it.  I'll teach it to talk.  Your name first.  (IMITATING PIGEON) Laverne, Laverne, I love you.  Coo, coo.  Please, Laverne.  Look at the face.

FADE OUT.

THE END

If I had heard that there was an "I love you" in the tag, this would not have been my first guess.  Taking things in rough order:

• "Drunk out of their minds," not just tipsy but severely inebriated.
• "Their little hearts out" sounds like the girls' phrasing.
• We know that Frank always wanted a son, but Squiggy???  Does this mean that on the New York episode he subconsciously was still thinking of Squiggy as a potential son-in-law?  (By California, he seems more of a Lavenny shipper, but that is a topic for another day.)
• "I always did want a father."  This is both hilarious and sad, since Squiggy hates his stepfather and was abandoned by his father.
• Oh, sure, now you're ad-libbing, "All right?"  Shirl, you could've dropped off the papers and headed back to the PB if you were that concerned.
• Lest you think Frank was offering to adopt Squiggy, Squig's line makes clear what Mr. DeFazio's intentions are, and that Squiggy is on board with them.
• Laverne looks beautiful, so presumably she's still in the Lizzie Borden gown.
• Lenny was impressed with the ball, despite the setbacks.
• Squiggy of course wonders if Lenny "got anything off a princess."
• Squiggy has infected Shirley with his fears of the mummy's tomb.
• Lenny manages to drop Frank and Squiggy long enough to come back to rescue the girls.  (And he'll be sure to prop the door open again.)
• He thanks Laverne, awww!
• Laverne tells Shirley that Lenny "looked great in tails" and "was a good Count," awww!
• Shirley is proud of her.
• So the Duke is at an exiled Polish royalty ball but he speaks Spanish and lives in Casa Blanca [sic]?
• Shirley is willing to chip in on the phone bill so that she can adopt the pigeon.
• Good continuity about the canaries and horse.
• Presumably Laverne was not swayed by the love of Shirley and/or the pigeon.
• Have fun tracking the ships in this script, Kids!

"Debutante Ball" script, Scene K

It's back to the ballroom, a mere five minutes later.  The first page of the scene aired, but here's what didn't:

Instead of Laverne crossing to the side of the room opposite Lenny and Shirley when the Duke approaches, "The Duke starts to cross to Laverne who starts backing away towards Lenny."  And then after the Duke requests that they both "dance their little feet off," he adds, "You must be presented by your escort."  In the scene as filmed, Lenny has already entered with the pigeon, but that's not how it was supposed to go.

HE [THE DUKE] TURNS AND WALKS BACK.  LENNY ENTERS WITH THE PIGEON.

LENNY
I found him in the cloak room making a nest in a mackinaw.

LAVERNE

The Duke asked me to dance.

LENNY
I told you nobody noticed.

LAVERNE
Put the pigeon away.  You gotta escort me to the Duke.

LENNY
But he needs fresh air.

LAVERNE TAKES THE PIGEON FROM LENNY.  LAVERNE HANDS THE PIGEON TO EVELYNE AND PLACES IT ON HER FINGER.

LAVERNE
Here, watch the bird.

EVELYNE
Ohhhhhh!

EVELYNE RUNS OUT.

ANNOUNCER
Laverne DeFazio of Poland is being escorted to the Duke.

THE MUSIC STARTS.  LENNY LEADS LAVERNE TO THE DUKE.  LENNY CROSSES TO SHIRLEY.

Then when Laverne asks the Duke why he picked her, he says the thing about "a woman of class," but he adds, "Besides, you still owe me a dime."

THEY SMILE AND DANCE AS THE GUESTS LOOK ON AND APPLAUD.

ANNOUNCER
Everyone is invited to dance.

PEOPLE START DANCING.  SHIRLEY AND LENNY REACT TO LAVERNE.  SHIRLEY GETS MISTY-EYED AND PULLS OUT LENNY'S HANDKERCHIEF.

This is a good place to note that the cast list seems complete, unlike the closing credits or IMDB.  The Hostess was played by Joi Staton, who has a handful of credits at IMDB, including for a 2019 short that's in post-production.  Kirk Duncan was the Duke and he worked from roughly 1961 to 2010, including a minor role on Gilligan's Island.  The Lady was Victoria Peters, and she worked from only 1977 to '83 (if we can go by IMDB).  Valorie was portrayed by Valorie Armstrong, who was Cookie on "The Bridal Shower" and Bernice on "The Fourth Annual Talent Show."  The Announcer would've been Anthony De Fonte, whose first credit at IMDB is from '82.

Patricia Stich, as Evelyne, did make the cut at both IMDB and the closing credits, and I like that the script gives a little more to her character arc.  As for the other changes, the scene offers a bit of the "triangle," with the Duke getting to show his sense of humor.  Lenny seems more concerned about the pigeon than about Laverne in this scene, and I would like to know how Ervin and Roth imagined him "reacting."

As for the fate of the pigeon, stay tuned for the tag....

"Debutante Ball" script, Scene J

The next scene, both in the script and on the episode, is in the Hotel Pfister's Ladies' Room, "a few minutes later."  The changes from these five pages are minor, and it is in fact one of my favorite sisterly scenes between the two leads.

One stage direction that didn't make it is that when Laverne "takes a sliced orange peel from her chest[, she] eats it."  I think this was a good omission, because it would've put Laverne's appetite over her humiliation.

Shirley asking if Laverne thinks the people at the ball are better than Laverne's father was added, as was Laverne's definite no, another improvement.

The episode omits Shirley saying at the end of the scene, "But you can't go out there lookin' like that."  And then she "sits Laverne down at the hand dryer" and "they start drying her hair."  This part is implied by how Laverne looks when they reenter the ballroom.

"Debutante Ball" script, Scene H

So, for whatever reason, these scripts don't have Scenes F, G, or I.  H is back in the ballroom, later that night.  It's five pages long and not dramatically different than what was filmed.  Shirley's line about being a Size 7 or 8 from the waist down is an improvement over "Your father does not know how to pack a carton properly."  But we lost Shirley's line to a waiter, "I've had a fascinating evening tonight.  Perhaps you'd be interested in hearing," then, after he walks off in a huff, "Well, it's a wonderful story."

Lenny momentarily forgetting to lead Laverne onto the stage, and the little kiss after he tells he's proud of her, were added.  Note that Laverne "makes a boo boo face" before running out of the ballroom, which, like the "Ronnie" in Scene A, shows that Ervin and Roth used shorthand for frequent gestures.

We missed Lenny ending the scene with the line "And now the famous royal fruit dance," and then "dancing on the fruit."

"Penny Marshall & Cindy Williams" book, Chapter Five

"When Cindy Williams was offered the part of Shirley Feeney on ABC's new spin-off of 'Happy Days,' she wasn't exactly thrilled.  Actually, she was plainly annoyed by the whole thing."  But she did it for the money and name recognition.  She expected the show to be cancelled after thirteen weeks.  And it beat working at IHOP.

Re her weight loss, she says, "It was like God just took it away."

The chapter quickly describes her roles in movies, TV, and commercials.  Cindy didn't like doing commercials, especially the one for milk, since she has "something called calcium lactate intolerance."  (I guess that's one reason why Shirley never drank milk & Pepsi.)

Re American Graffiti, she almost turned down the role because of "her qualms about playing the girlfriend of an actor six years younger than she," ironic in light of the Richie & Shirley pairing a few years later.  She "quips," "I have the market cornered as far as teen-age ingenues go."

As with Penny, she did the "bimbo role" as a favor to Garry, and by the time of this book she had no more qualms about the role of Shirley.

Overall, this chapter doesn't tell us much we don't know now, although I'm sure at the time it was news to a lot of people.

"Debutante Ball" script, Scene E

And...we return to the Pizza Bowl Cellar.  As on the return from commercial break, Shirley is "banging on the door and yelling for help," although she's doing it "wearily," as if she's been doing so for awhile.  Here's some missing dialogue:

SHIRLEY

Tony, Mary, Tony, Mary....

FRANK

It's no use.  Nobody can hear us.  Mary'll miss us at midnight and come down here and let us out.

SHIRLEY

Oh, midnight.  Midnight it'll be too late.

Mary is of course Mary the Waitress.  I think Tony is the cook.  As on the episode, Squiggy leaves the table where he and Frank have been drinking wine and leads Shirley away from the door, although he doesn't say "shut up" in the script.  (It feels like a Landerian addition, since that seems to be what Squiggy often says to calm Shirley down.)  And, yes, she "goes for his neck" when he suggests cannibalism.

Note that Frank calls Shirley "Sweetheart" when he says they'll just have to wait.  In the episode, we get that first page of Scene D, but in the script Shirley says, "Laverne needs these papers.  I'm ashamed of you.  Where's your sense of daring do [sic]?  There's always a way out of these places," and then Squiggy observes, "In a coffin."

After Laverne covers Lenny with her skirt on the episode, we return to this scene, with Shirley trying to get through the vent.  The next page and a half is basically the same in the script and filmed episode, but we get this at the end, "After the show.  A pickup of Shirley coming out of box on Squiggy's shoulders and starting through the bars."

The cellar scenes understandably have fewer changes than the ballroom ones, but I do have to ask, how freaking late does this pizzeria stay open?

"Debutante Ball" script, Scene D

When the episode aired, after the commercial break it was back to the Pizza Bowl cellar, but in the script it was back to the Ballroom, "later that night."  The first page or so of Scene D is the Lenny-looking-for-his-bird sequence, including Laverne covering him with her skirt.  However, we missed out on the last two pages of the scene:

EVELYNE

(TO HOSTESS) Look at them.  He's no Count.  I doubt if he's even Polish.

LENNY

(GETTING UP) That proves how much you know.  I can prove I'm Polish.

LAVERNE

He's very Polish.

LENNY

I will now perform the dance of my ancestors.  (TO BAND) Maestro, the famous royal slap-dance.

LAVERNE

I don't know what you're talkin' about.

LENNY

Just follow me.  Me and Squiggy made this up last night.

THEY DO THE POLISH SLAP-DANCE.  THEY FINISH.

LENNY (CONT'D)

I rest my case.

EVELYN [sic]

You have no royal papers.  You're just a couple of peasants.

EVELYNE PATS LAVERNE ON THE CHEEK.

LAVERNE

(GRABBING EVELYNE'S HAND) How'd you like me to slap-dance you into the street?

LENNY GRABS LAVERNE.

LENNY

Oops.  This is our dance.

LAVERNE

Again?

SHE TURNS AND SLAPS HIM.

LENNY

Why don't we just sit this one out and wait for Shirley to bring the papers?

LAVERNE

Yeah.  If she isn't here soon, we're gonna be kicked out.

LENNY

Well, at least we had one dance.

LAVERNE STARTS TO SIT.  HESITATES BECAUSE OF HOOP.

LAVERNE

I'd rather stand.

I can see why this was cut, since it doesn't advance the plot, but it was potentially hilarious.  The line "Well, at least we had one dance" is so Lenny I can imagine McKean's delivery and facial expression.

"Debutante Ball" script, Scene C

And now it's time for the subplot, in the cellar of the Pizza Bowl, "slightly later that night":

THIS IS A SMALL ROOM ABOUT THE SIZE OF THE BEDROOM SET.  THERE ARE SEVERAL CARTONS, BEER KEGS AND CASES OF BEER CANS ON THE FLOOR.  ALSO SOME BROKEN TABLES AND CHAIRS.  ON THE UPSTAGE WALL THERE IS A SMALL BARRED WINDOW ABOUT SIX FEET UP FROM THE GROUND.  IT IS BOARDED UP AND HIDDEN BEHIND SEVERAL LARGE CARDBOARD BOXES.  SQUIGGY, SHIRLEY AND FRANK ENTERS [sic].  SQUIGGY HOLDS THE DOOR OPEN.

There are only two notable changes in the roughly two pages of dialogue.  The first is the later addition of Shirley's line about wanting to get changed before taking the royal papers to Lenny and Laverne, which is a nice set-up of her line in the ladies' room about not being embarrassed to not be dressed up at the ball.  And then when Frank says that they're all locked in, Squiggy was supposed to again refer to "the mummy's tomb."

Also, the final stage direction for the scene was "They all look at each other for a beat.  Frank and Shirley run to the door and start pounding on it yelling for help."

Thus ends Act One.

"Penny Marshall & Cindy Williams" book, Chapter Four

"In 1967, a brunette actress with a wide toothy grin was pounding the pavements of Hollywood hoping to find fame and fortune."  Yes, it's back to Penny.  And she was "plain looking," so she decided to become a comedienne.  Her brother Garry, who she didn't know that well because of the age difference, arranged a small dramatic part for her.  She was "terrible."

So she became a stunt woman.  She "achieved notoriety of a sort in grade-Z movies like Free Grass and The Pink Garter Gang.  These were really bimbo roles!"



She lost some speaking roles because she looked "too Jewish."

And then came Myrna Turner on The Odd Couple, thanks to Garry of course.  She was up for the part of Gloria on All in the Family, the only one to audition who looked more like Edith's daughter than Archie's.  They said she was too old to play Rob Reiner's wife.  (She was about five years older than Rob.)  She was disappointed but decided it was for the best, since "If we had been in the same show all these years, by now we would've killed each other!"

With all her insecurities, she thought she had the role of Myrna just because she was Garry's sister, although he reassured her.  After she quit The Odd Couple, she was "the sharp-tongued sister-in-law on The Paul Sand Show."  (Ironically, Sand would play one of Laverne's Californian boyfriends years later.)  She did a bunch of guest shots on other sitcoms.

And then came the favor to Garry on Happy Days.  I don't know if Berman is going by an earlier draft of the script or what, but she says that Laverne and Shirley "become embroiled in a clawing and kicking fight with two motorcycle molls at Arnold's Drive-In."  (Sounds like a scene from one of Penny's grade-Z flicks.)

She had her choice of the roles but figured she'd "look like Ron Howard's mother" (an age difference of a dozen years).  The rapid success of the characters definitely surprised her, but she remained insecure (of course).  The chapter ends with the wisecrack, "...Maybe it's an advantage that Garry and I sound alike.  He can read my part anytime!"

"Laverne & Shirley": The Collector's Edition, Volume 2

After "meeting the girls," it seems fair that the boys get the second volume, entitled "Lenny and Squiggy":

"Lenny Kosnowski and Andrew 'Squiggy' Squiggman, two geeky, oddball greasers who don't have a clue that they're completely out of sync with the rest of society, went to Fillmore High with Laverne and Shirley, work as beer truck drivers at the Shotz Brewery, and, against the girls' wishes, move into their apartment building.  'When God was handing out brains,' Laverne tells the duo, 'he mistook you for a cactus.'  While the girls want nothing to do with the two quirky oddballs, the four become close friends.  After Laverne and Shirley, Michael McKean (Lenny) played Gibby Fisk on Dream On and starred as David St. Hubbins in the mockumentary This Is Spinal Tap.  David L. Lander (Squiggy) starred in A League of Their Own, appeared on The Drew Carey Show and Twin Peaks, and provided the voice of the head weasel in Who Framed Roger Rabbit?"

Remember, this was the late '90s, when McKean especially had a lot of roles ahead.  It's a decent description of the two characters, although repeating "oddball" doesn't help.  There's no mention of the boys' lechery, scheming, or musical endeavors.

Starting out the tape with Season One's "Hi Neighbors" makes sense, as the boys are prominent in it and it is the episode where they move into the building.  Here's the videobox capsule:  "When Shirley, in a moment of weakness, recommends Lenny and Squiggy as tenants for an apartment upstairs in the girls' building, almost immediately the boys have a fight-- compelling Squiggy to move in with Laverne and Shirley.  Note: Watch for Squiggy's stuffed iguana.  Helen Page Camp (Mrs. Havenwurst) was only seen in a few episodes before she was replaced by Betty Garrett (Mrs. Babish)."  I'm glad Jeffrey gets a shout-out.

It looks like the main difference between VHS and DVD is going to be the pre-tag Stay Tuneds, but I like that the boys get to do the one for this episode.
LENNY: Tell the people to stay tuned, Squiggy.
SQUIGGY: (angrily) Tell 'em yourself!  I ain't your slave!

Next up is "Two of Our Weirdos Are Missing" from Season Two: "When Laverne and Shirley go out on the town with Big Rosie Greenbaum in her new Cadillac, Lenny and Squiggy run away with the beer delivery truck to join the circus.  Note: Lenny and Squiggy pay their rent to Mrs. Babish in Monopoly money.  Comedian and magician Carl Ballantine (Lionel T. Zimmerman) played Lester Gruber on McHale's Navy."  As the title suggests, the boys are absent for much of the episode, although it is undeniably about them, and their friendship with the girls.

Again, they get to do the Stay Tuned.
SQUIGGY: Stay tuned or else.
LENNY: Says who?
SQUIGGY: Says me!
LENNY: Oh.

"Hi Neighbors, Book II" from later in the second season is a fine choice for the next episode.  "When Lenny and Squiggy are stood up by their dates, they invite Laverne and Shirley to a posh French restaurant, where, after making spectacles of themselves, they run into the girl who broke Squiggy's heart.  Note: Listen for Shirley to utter the classic line: 'As God is my waitress!'  Lynne Marie Stewart (Barbara Hummell) played Joy Bellini on Husbands, Wives & Lovers."  Well, you can listen for Shirley to say that line, but it's actually a Squiggy line on the next episode on the tape.  Anyway, it is a a very Lenny & Squiggy episode, and again about their friendship (and more?) with the girls, especially with McKean & Lander writing the script.

The "or else" Stay Tuned is used again.

And lastly, we jump to Season Five for "You've Pushed Me Too Far": "When Squiggy accidentally pushes Lenny out the window of their third story apartment, Squiggy flees to live in his Uncle's wax museum, posing by day as a hunchback lying in a guillotine--until Laverne and Shirley help them reconcile their differences."  Note that this time there are no notes.

The pre-tag Stay Tuned this time:
Squiggy: Hey, is the show over?
Lenny: No, Jerk, Laverne and Shirley will be back in a minute.
Squiggy: Oh.

This episode is a natural fit, since in many ways it's like a "Hi, Neighbor, Book III."  It would've been nice to have an episode where the boys sing, or maybe one that shows their California apartment.  Still, this tape holds together well as a group.

"Debutante Ball" script, Scene B

As on the episode, we head straight to the Hotel Pfister Ballroom on Saturday night:

THIS IS AN ELEGANT BALLROOM.  THERE IS A NUMBER OF DIGNIFIED GUESTS MILLING ABOUT.  SEVERAL MEN ARE WEARING MEDALS.  EVERYONE IS IN FORMAL ATTIRE.  THERE IS A LARGE RAMP UPSTAGE CENTER, A LARGE BUFFET TABLE WITH HORS D'OEUVRES AND A PUNCH BOWL.  THERE IS A BAND PLAYING AND SEVERAL WAITERS AND WAITRESSES ARE CIRCULATING, SERVING DRINKS, ETC.

LENNY ENTERS.  HE IS DRESSED BEAUTIFULLY, IN WHITE TIE AND BLACK TAIL.  HE HAS MEDALS ON HIS CHEST.

Then it goes into the episode we know, for about six pages.  Note that Laverne's costume is described simply as "a ball gown complete with hoops."  The amused look Laverne and Lenny share after she "hangs her parasol on back of man exiting" was definitely not scripted, nor was their amusement after Lenny "snatches two drinks and gives one to Laverne."

We lost this Laverne line after the "here, bumpkin" sequence, "What a funny guy, huh?  They call him the crazy Count of Poland."  Also, "everyone has been watching" Laverne's troubles with the soggy sandwich, but on the episode, most people are oblivious.  (They do notice the hoopskirt problems.)

Instead of Laverne saying she'd love to sign the guest book, in the script she says, "Great.  I hope I get on the mailing list," which is a quietly funny little line.

On the episode, after Laverne points out Lenny to the Hostess and Evelyne, she says, "Quite a guy, isn't he?", but in the script it's "Ain't he cute?"

This is what we lost after he reaches into his pocket for a dime and Laverne tells him never mind:

LAVERNE TAPS A MAN ON THE SHOULDER.  HE TURNS AROUND.  HE IS ELEGANT AND GOOD LOOKING.

LAVERNE

Whoa oh.  What a cutie you are.

DUKE

Thank you very much, Senorita.  You look charming yourself.

HOSTESS

This is the Duke.

LAVERNE

Hi, Duke.  Got a dime?

DUKE

Yes, I have.

DUKE HANDS HER A DIME.

LAVERNE

If this don't work, I'll use it on the candy machine.

THE HOSTESS REACTS.

These are not dramatic changes but I think they are significant.  Laverne's embarrassment is played up more in the script, as is her interest in the duke (who for some reason is Spanish?), so that when she dances with him later it would presumably have more significance. 

But this isn't a Duke/Laverne episode, it is a Lenny/Laverne episode, and her interest in him is arguably stronger in this scene in the script than onscreen, although there we get some nice little visual moments of teaming up.  He is "dressed beautifully," which is a contrast to his appearance in the first scene, and presumably Laverne shares that opinion.  (We'll hear more about how she sees his elegance, later.)  The ambiguous "quite a guy" was supposed to be her admiring his cuteness to two complete strangers.  I said in my review of the episode that he is "her neighbor that she seems to appreciate in a fresh way," and I'd argue that the script makes that abundantly clear.  But we'll get to more conclusive evidence later.

"Debutante Ball" script, Scene A

Once upon a time there was a magical ship that sailed better the more who boarded her, but the S.S. L/L (not to be confused with the S.S. S/S, which was a more peculiar vessel) faced many storms, the most treacherous of which was Hurricane Garry.  Yet two brave ladies named Judy and Paula waved their plumes to fill the ship's sails, including with a wondrous tale about a count who thought he didn't count and the queen of his heart....

On February 7, 1978, almost three months before-air date, the revised shooting script for "The Debutante Ball" was ready but, as with other scripts we've looked at so far, it would not air as is.  The changes here are more dramatic than in "That's Entertainment" but less than for "The Monastery Story."  I will again take it scene by scene, but with greater joy, for it is a delightful script for a delightful episode.

Scene A is set in the Girls' Apartment in the evening:


THE GIRLS ENTER.  LAVERNE IS CARRYING THE MAIL, AND SHIRLEY IS CARRYING FULL CARTONS OF CHINESE FOOD.  LAVERNE IS SNIFFING THE BAG.

LAVERNE

Come on, Shirl.  Please!  I can't stand it.  I smelled it all the way home.  Gimme somethin'.  Gimme an egg roll.  Gimme a rib.

SHIRLEY HITS HER HAND AWAY.

SHIRLEY

Get some plates.  Tonight we're gonna eat like human beings.

SHIRLEY STARTS SPREADING THE FOOD.  LAVERNE RETURNS WITH THE DISHES AND FORKS.  LAVERNE DUMPS THE FOOD ON THE PLATE AND STARTS EATING.

LAVERNE

Gimme some of those moo goo guys.

SHIRLEY PULLS THE FORK OUT OF LAVERNE'S MOUTH AND HANDS HER CHOPSTICKS.

SHIRLEY

Maybe these will slow you down, Vegamatic Mouth.

LAVERNE TAKES ONE CHOPSTICK IN EACH HAND AND CONTINUES TO EAT RAPIDLY, STABBING THE FOOD, SHRIMP, ETC.  SHIRLEY IS GOING THROUGH THE MAIL.

In the episode, this is mostly left out and we open on the girls at the table, Laverne saying how much she loves to eat with chopsticks, while Shirley goes through the mail.  The dialogue for the next almost six pages made it basically intact onto the episode, although the thing about Laverne wanting to take the rib out of Shirley's mouth has more resonance when you know how hungry she was earlier in the scene.  Note that the canonical spelling of Lenny's title is Count of Kulikowski.

After Laverne asks, "Can you picture what kind of Crummy Count would ask me out?", Squiggy hellos his way in, but accompanied by Lenny in the script.  "Squiggy is wearing tights, a doublet and a plumed hat.  Lenny is dressed in his version of a prince's outfit."  In the episode, Squiggy is in jeans rather than tights, which is funnier.  In the script, Lenny says "a simple curtsy," which was improved to "a simple crusty."

A more significant change in dialogue is that when Lenny talks about his heritage in the script, he doesn't say that his family was thrown out of Poland in disgrace but will someday return in the same way.  Instead, it's "My grandfather was thrown out of Poland by a band of viscous huns."  This is presumably the same grandfather who told him the meaning of Kosnowski.

The canonical spelling of Squiggy's uncle of the wax museum turns out to be "Elliott," with two L's and two T's.  We sadly lost Lenny's explanation, "These are just my lounging pajamas."

After Laverne says there are "a million girls who'd like to go with a count," there's overlapping dialogue represented by three columns:

SHIRLEY                                        LAVERNE                   SQUIGGY

You're a fool.  You gotta               I don't wanna go.         He don't know a million girls.  Ready Betty

go.  This is too important.                                                 Wazelewsky... The girl from the fish market....

Then, as on the episode, Lenny whistles and Squiggy says, "My count has whistled."  But in the script he tells Squiggy, "Shut up while I talk to Laverne."  His compliments and her acceptance are much like on the episode.  But after he tells her, "The simple peasant joy on your face is enough," Squiggy says, "Plus what he's gonna get off ya after the ball."  So there was no "royal voe-dee-oh-doe" in this version?  I wonder who added it.

But, wait, after Squiggy's line, there's this sequence:

THEY [Lenny and Squiggy] RONNIE AND THEN EXIT.  LAVERNE AND SHIRLEY HEAD FOR THE KITCHEN.

SHIRLEY

You can wear any dress from history.  How about Marie Antoinette?

LAVERNE

They -- (GESTURES) -- cut off her head.  I'd like to be Lady Godiva.

SHIRLEY

You ought to write a book, 'Smut Through the Ages.'

SHIRLEY TAKES THE FOOD AND RUNS TO THE BEDROOM.

LAVERNE

Where you goin' with my ribs?

The stuff with the girls and the food is interesting I guess, in terms of table manners and all, but it wasn't essential.  The episode as aired got to the meat of the scene, yet there are some things to chew on that the script offers.  For instance, what does it mean to "Ronnie"?  Well, let's ask the man himself, or rather let's Google for the information he kindly provided someone in 2017:  https://twitter.com/unclehighbrow/status/701975860329504769.  Now the question is, who is it named after?  And it says something about Judy and/or Paula's knowledge of the characters that they can just throw in a stage direction like that and not just Michael would know what it meant.

Also, why would Laverne want to go naked to a debutante ball with Lenny?  (I'm not sure if that's a rhetorical question.)   As for what actually happens "after the ball," the script just happens to have a post-ball tag.  But patience, Boys and Girls, for we must first attend the ball....