"Debutante Ball" script, Scene A

Once upon a time there was a magical ship that sailed better the more who boarded her, but the S.S. L/L (not to be confused with the S.S. S/S, which was a more peculiar vessel) faced many storms, the most treacherous of which was Hurricane Garry.  Yet two brave ladies named Judy and Paula waved their plumes to fill the ship's sails, including with a wondrous tale about a count who thought he didn't count and the queen of his heart....

On February 7, 1978, almost three months before-air date, the revised shooting script for "The Debutante Ball" was ready but, as with other scripts we've looked at so far, it would not air as is.  The changes here are more dramatic than in "That's Entertainment" but less than for "The Monastery Story."  I will again take it scene by scene, but with greater joy, for it is a delightful script for a delightful episode.

Scene A is set in the Girls' Apartment in the evening:


THE GIRLS ENTER.  LAVERNE IS CARRYING THE MAIL, AND SHIRLEY IS CARRYING FULL CARTONS OF CHINESE FOOD.  LAVERNE IS SNIFFING THE BAG.

LAVERNE

Come on, Shirl.  Please!  I can't stand it.  I smelled it all the way home.  Gimme somethin'.  Gimme an egg roll.  Gimme a rib.

SHIRLEY HITS HER HAND AWAY.

SHIRLEY

Get some plates.  Tonight we're gonna eat like human beings.

SHIRLEY STARTS SPREADING THE FOOD.  LAVERNE RETURNS WITH THE DISHES AND FORKS.  LAVERNE DUMPS THE FOOD ON THE PLATE AND STARTS EATING.

LAVERNE

Gimme some of those moo goo guys.

SHIRLEY PULLS THE FORK OUT OF LAVERNE'S MOUTH AND HANDS HER CHOPSTICKS.

SHIRLEY

Maybe these will slow you down, Vegamatic Mouth.

LAVERNE TAKES ONE CHOPSTICK IN EACH HAND AND CONTINUES TO EAT RAPIDLY, STABBING THE FOOD, SHRIMP, ETC.  SHIRLEY IS GOING THROUGH THE MAIL.

In the episode, this is mostly left out and we open on the girls at the table, Laverne saying how much she loves to eat with chopsticks, while Shirley goes through the mail.  The dialogue for the next almost six pages made it basically intact onto the episode, although the thing about Laverne wanting to take the rib out of Shirley's mouth has more resonance when you know how hungry she was earlier in the scene.  Note that the canonical spelling of Lenny's title is Count of Kulikowski.

After Laverne asks, "Can you picture what kind of Crummy Count would ask me out?", Squiggy hellos his way in, but accompanied by Lenny in the script.  "Squiggy is wearing tights, a doublet and a plumed hat.  Lenny is dressed in his version of a prince's outfit."  In the episode, Squiggy is in jeans rather than tights, which is funnier.  In the script, Lenny says "a simple curtsy," which was improved to "a simple crusty."

A more significant change in dialogue is that when Lenny talks about his heritage in the script, he doesn't say that his family was thrown out of Poland in disgrace but will someday return in the same way.  Instead, it's "My grandfather was thrown out of Poland by a band of viscous huns."  This is presumably the same grandfather who told him the meaning of Kosnowski.

The canonical spelling of Squiggy's uncle of the wax museum turns out to be "Elliott," with two L's and two T's.  We sadly lost Lenny's explanation, "These are just my lounging pajamas."

After Laverne says there are "a million girls who'd like to go with a count," there's overlapping dialogue represented by three columns:

SHIRLEY                                        LAVERNE                   SQUIGGY

You're a fool.  You gotta               I don't wanna go.         He don't know a million girls.  Ready Betty

go.  This is too important.                                                 Wazelewsky... The girl from the fish market....

Then, as on the episode, Lenny whistles and Squiggy says, "My count has whistled."  But in the script he tells Squiggy, "Shut up while I talk to Laverne."  His compliments and her acceptance are much like on the episode.  But after he tells her, "The simple peasant joy on your face is enough," Squiggy says, "Plus what he's gonna get off ya after the ball."  So there was no "royal voe-dee-oh-doe" in this version?  I wonder who added it.

But, wait, after Squiggy's line, there's this sequence:

THEY [Lenny and Squiggy] RONNIE AND THEN EXIT.  LAVERNE AND SHIRLEY HEAD FOR THE KITCHEN.

SHIRLEY

You can wear any dress from history.  How about Marie Antoinette?

LAVERNE

They -- (GESTURES) -- cut off her head.  I'd like to be Lady Godiva.

SHIRLEY

You ought to write a book, 'Smut Through the Ages.'

SHIRLEY TAKES THE FOOD AND RUNS TO THE BEDROOM.

LAVERNE

Where you goin' with my ribs?

The stuff with the girls and the food is interesting I guess, in terms of table manners and all, but it wasn't essential.  The episode as aired got to the meat of the scene, yet there are some things to chew on that the script offers.  For instance, what does it mean to "Ronnie"?  Well, let's ask the man himself, or rather let's Google for the information he kindly provided someone in 2017:  https://twitter.com/unclehighbrow/status/701975860329504769.  Now the question is, who is it named after?  And it says something about Judy and/or Paula's knowledge of the characters that they can just throw in a stage direction like that and not just Michael would know what it meant.

Also, why would Laverne want to go naked to a debutante ball with Lenny?  (I'm not sure if that's a rhetorical question.)   As for what actually happens "after the ball," the script just happens to have a post-ball tag.  But patience, Boys and Girls, for we must first attend the ball....