"Debutante Ball" script, Scene L

If I'd had to guess, I would've said that after Shirley crawled out the "wine cellar" window, she went around and let Frank and Squiggy out, or at least alerted Mary and/or Tony.  But, no, the original tag would have us believe that she hightailed it to the ball with Lenny's royalty papers.  And that is not even the most surprising thing here....

INT. PIZZA BOWL CELLAR - LATER THAT NIGHT

FRANK AND SQUIGGY ARE SEATED AT THE TABLE WHICH IS NOW COVERED WITH EMPTY WINE BOTTLES.  THEY ARE BOTH DRUNK OUT OF THEIR MINDS AND SINGING THEIR LITTLE HEARTS OUT.

FRANK

Hey, say it again.

SQUIGGY

What?

FRANK

Come on.  You know.

SQUIGGY

Okay, 'Pop'.

FRANK

I love it.  I always did want a son.

SQUIGGY

I always did want a father.

LAVERNE, SHIRLEY AND LENNY ENTER.  SHIRLEY PROPS THE DOOR OPEN WITH A CHAIR.  THEY AD LIB "ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?"

SQUIGGY

Look, it's the bride.

FRANK

You look beautiful, Muffin.

LAVERNE

Thanks, Pop.

SHIRLEY

Lenny, take them upstairs and sober them up.

LAVERNE

We'll clean up the place.

FRANK AND SQUIGGY EACH PUT AN ARM AROUND LENNY AS HE HELPS THEM UP.

LENNY

You shoulda seen the ball.  It was very lovely, Squig.

SQUIGGY

Did you get anything off a princess?

THEY EXIT.  AS THEY GO THE DOOR IS KICKED SHUT.

SHIRLEY

We're trapped in the mummy's tomb.

LENNY COMES BACK, OPENING THE DOOR.

LENNY

I want to thank you for coming with me, Laverne.

HE PROPS THE DOOR OPEN WITH CHAIR AND EXITS.

LAVERNE

Don't Lenny look great in those tails?  He was a good Count.

SHIRLEY

And you were a heck of a little debutante.  I was so proud when you danced with the Duke.

LAVERNE

Yeah.  I got his phone number.  How much to you think it is to call Casa Blanca?

SHIRLEY

Call him any time you want.  I'll chip in.

LAVERNE

Really?  Thanks.

SHIRLEY

Forget it.  There is a little thing you could do for me, though.

LAVERNE

Name it.

SHIRLEY REACHES IN HER COAT AND REMOVES THE PIGEON.

SHIRLEY

I want this little bird real bad.  Please!  Please!

LAVERNE

Oh, not again.  We can't have any pets.  Didn't you learn with the canaries and the horse?

THEY START TO ROLL OUT.  LAVERNE IS SHAKING HER HEAD "NO".

SHIRLEY

It'll be different this time.  I promise.  We'll build it a little house, and I'll feed it.  I'll teach it to talk.  Your name first.  (IMITATING PIGEON) Laverne, Laverne, I love you.  Coo, coo.  Please, Laverne.  Look at the face.

FADE OUT.

THE END

If I had heard that there was an "I love you" in the tag, this would not have been my first guess.  Taking things in rough order:

• "Drunk out of their minds," not just tipsy but severely inebriated.
• "Their little hearts out" sounds like the girls' phrasing.
• We know that Frank always wanted a son, but Squiggy???  Does this mean that on the New York episode he subconsciously was still thinking of Squiggy as a potential son-in-law?  (By California, he seems more of a Lavenny shipper, but that is a topic for another day.)
• "I always did want a father."  This is both hilarious and sad, since Squiggy hates his stepfather and was abandoned by his father.
• Oh, sure, now you're ad-libbing, "All right?"  Shirl, you could've dropped off the papers and headed back to the PB if you were that concerned.
• Lest you think Frank was offering to adopt Squiggy, Squig's line makes clear what Mr. DeFazio's intentions are, and that Squiggy is on board with them.
• Laverne looks beautiful, so presumably she's still in the Lizzie Borden gown.
• Lenny was impressed with the ball, despite the setbacks.
• Squiggy of course wonders if Lenny "got anything off a princess."
• Squiggy has infected Shirley with his fears of the mummy's tomb.
• Lenny manages to drop Frank and Squiggy long enough to come back to rescue the girls.  (And he'll be sure to prop the door open again.)
• He thanks Laverne, awww!
• Laverne tells Shirley that Lenny "looked great in tails" and "was a good Count," awww!
• Shirley is proud of her.
• So the Duke is at an exiled Polish royalty ball but he speaks Spanish and lives in Casa Blanca [sic]?
• Shirley is willing to chip in on the phone bill so that she can adopt the pigeon.
• Good continuity about the canaries and horse.
• Presumably Laverne was not swayed by the love of Shirley and/or the pigeon.
• Have fun tracking the ships in this script, Kids!