"The Diner," Scenes C and D

Another setting, the "Pizza Bowl - night":

LAVERNE AND SHIRLEY ARE AT A TABLE.  EDNA BRINGS THEM A PIZZA.

EDNA

Here ya go, girls.  Just the way you like it, well done, extra cheese and free.

The boys were supposed to cry when they admit to the girls that their restaurant has gone broke.  We later lost Squiggy asking, "What do ya think, we were born tomorrow?"

The filmed scene, and Act One, end with the four of them shaking, but there was a bit more in the script:

SHIRLEY

Laverne, thanks to you boys we've got ourselves a business.

THE GIRLS LOOK AT THE BOYS AND THE BOYS LOOK AT THE GIRLS, THEN:

LAVERNE/SHIRLEY        LENNY/SQUIGGY

(SOTTO TO EACH OTHER)     (SOTTO TO EACH OTHER)

Suckers.            Suckers.

Then it's back to "Dead Lazlo's - morning":

THE GIRLS HAVE FIXED UP THE PLACE.  THERE'S A "GRAND OPENING" SIGN ON THE WALL.  SHIRLEY IS PUTTING A VASE OF FLOWERS ON A TABLE.  SHE IS DRESSED IN A WAITRESS UNIFORM.

SHIRLEY

Hurry up, Laverne.  It's two minutes to seven.  We're just two minutes away from feeding Milwaukee's hungriest.

LAVERNE ENTERS FROM THE BACK WEARING A FRY COOK'S OUTFIT, COMPLETE WITH A BIG FLOPPY CHEF'S HAT.

LAVERNE

Okay, I'm ready.  You know, if we do good, Monday morning I'm gonna march to Mr. Shotz and tell him to go martinize himself.

SHIRLEY
Yeah.  We're our own bosses now.  This is a veritable dream come true.

LAVERNE OPENS A BUTTON ON SHIRLEY'S BLOUSE.

SHIRLEY

What are you doing?

LAVERNE

Look, Shirl, sometimes what customers see on the waitress is more important than what they see on the menu.  Know what I mean?

SHIRLEY

(BUTTONING UP) Boy, Laverne, just slap a little beef patty on that grill o' smut.

LAVERNE

Shirl.  Seven o'clock.

THEY GRAB MENUS.  SHIRLEY LOOKS AT THE CLOCK.

This was all replaced by Shirley's voiceover that they're about to open.

The rest of the scene is faithful, but there are some interesting handwritten notes.  On the cover of this reprint, someone wrote, "P. 20-21 D Show Biz Ed Mekka."

And then on p. 20-21, here's what that person wrote:

A few thoughts:

• The little opening bit with Edna isn't really necessary, but it does confirm my headcanon that the girls can eat free at the PB.
• Laverne wanting to tell Mr. Shotz to martinize himself is a follow-up to her having to get her L martinized in the opening scene, but it still sounds vaguely obscene.
• And Laverne trying to make Shirley's uniform sexier is also in questionable taste, especially considering how poor Shirley will be harassed later in the episode.
• "Linda," I believe, is Linda McMurray, who was usually assistant director on L&S but who gets a director credit here.

"The Diner," Scenes A and B

On March 12, 1980, a little under two months before "The Diner" was aired, its Rev. Shooting Script was finished.  There would be some differences, but first, let's look at part of the cast list:

That is a lot of staff writers!  I'm amused that is everyone is a Lu or Lou, except Al Aidekman is "Al."  (Poor Roger Garrett.)

We start in the "break room - day."  The first two pages got filmed with very minor differences, but they added Laverne asking, "You mean...?" when Lenny asks for a favor, and then him saying no, implying not that kind of favor.  They also added Laverne telling Lenny to be careful what he signs.

The next scene is at "Lazlo's Diner - night."  In the script, the girls "enter with their eyes closed," but onscreen the boys cover the girls' eyes.

Here's the stage direction after the boys yell surprise:

THE BOYS JUMP THE GIRLS AND START KISSING THEM.  THE GIRLS FIGHT THE BOYS OFF AND WIPE OFF THEIR LIPS.

It's not quite that extreme onscreen, but I am amused that Laverne asks Shirley afterwards, "Do I have a rash?", considering what Penny would later say in her autobiography about kissing actors named Michael.

After Shirley says the place has potential, there was this bit:

LAVERNE

Really?  Don't you think it's kind of a... what's the word I'm looking for... hell hole?

SHE KNOCKS CHAIR OFF.

SHIRLEY

Laverne, use your imagination.  With some nice tablecloths, lace curtains and cut flowers, this hell hole could be quite charming.

In the script, we get the stage direction, "Lenny exits and Laverne follows," which became him grabbing her by the hand and pulling her outside.

I have to note that in both scenes, Squiggy says, "Mebbe so, mebbe so," so that is canonical spelling on that catchphrase.

My main thought is that they added some Lavenny to both scenes.  Also, it would've been interesting to hear both girls say "hell hole."

"Why Did the Fireman...?", Scenes J and K

The next scene is in "the girls' bedroom - continuous action."  For some reason, they left out Frank greeting Laverne with "Hey, Muffin."  He was also supposed to call her Muffin when he tells her she looks tired.  And even "Muffin, he's dead" became "He's dead" onscreen.

Laverne singing "Did You Ever See a Dream Walking?" as Frank starts to read the newspaper article on Randy was added, maybe because we don't have her singing it in the previous scene.

They left out Frank telling her, "It's okay.  Go ahead and cry."  And he was supposed to "start to help Laverne out of her dress" and a little later he "tucks her in," with Shirley peeking into the room.  Onscreen there's a dissolve where she's already tucked in.

In the script, this is how the scene ends:

FRANK

Sleep well, little Muffin.

FRANK GOES TO SHIRLEY.  THEY LOOK BACK AT LAVERNE, AND EXIT, WITH ARMS AROUND EACH OTHER.

FRANK (CONT'D)

Goodnight, sweetheart.

For filming, he says that last line instead of the "little Muffin" line and he exits alone.  The camera then pans back to a distraught and not sleeping Laverne.

With the tag, we return to the "fire house - afternoon."  There are no real changes.

The penultimate scene makes Frank less soft, with all of those Muffins left out and less of him treating her like a child.  Even him telling her it's okay to cry is gone.  Furthermore, just as we lost the Edna & Shirley hug earlier, the Frank & Shirley embrace is missing.  There is still comforting here, but less obviously, and that final shot of Laverne before the last commercial doesn't soften the blow.

The tonal shifts from this script to filming are interesting, and I do credit Zwick with them, although I'm sure Penny Marshall and others had input.  I don't know that I prefer one version over the other, but I'm glad I now have both.

"Why Did the Fireman...?", Scenes D, E, and H

We return to the "girls' apartment - an hour later."  This scene made it in intact and actually ended Act One with Laverne "reacting" to Squiggy telling her, "Laverne.  Randy's dead."  Onscreen, the commercial break comes at a happier time, the end of Scene C.

Act Two opens with "continuous action," and I think it was a good choice to not pause between Scenes D and E, especially since they're only five pages total.  In the script, Laverne "angrily goes back to ironing her dress.  Then she stops.  She looks afraid.  Then she shakes her head, and continues ironing with angry swipes.  A beat, then Shirley enters.  She's extremely upset."

For whatever reason, director Joel Zwick doesn't have Penny show anger after the boys leave, just fear and confusion.  Shirley may be very upset, but she is quiet when she returns.  Her use of "Vernie," when the script says "Laverne," is a sweet touch and I'm guessing one that Cindy suggested.

The next scene is still in the apartment, "the next morning."  The first part with Edna and Shirley talking about Laverne was aired, but there's actually a whole section with Laverne that was dropped:

LAVERNE ENTERS FROM THE BEDROOM HIDING A WELL WORN COPY OF "BRIDE" MAGAZINE.  SHE GOES TO SHIRLEY.

LAVERNE

Hey, Shirl.  Oh, hi Edna.

EDNA

Laverne, would you like me to fix you some breakfast, honey?

LAVERNE

I love when she calls me honey.  Nah, I'm not hungry.  I'm too excited to eat.

DURING THE FOLLOWING EDNA PUTS AWAY THE GROCERIES IN THE KITCHEN.

LAVERNE (CON'TD)

Hey Shirl, c'mere, I wanna show you something.  I was cleanin' out the closet and look what I found underneath your old pair of purple pedalpushers.  Whew, that's a mouthful.

SHE HOLDS UP MAGAZINE.

SHIRLEY

Oh, Bride Magazine.  Maybe you shouldn't be reading that right now.

LAVERNE

Gimme that and stop bein' so superstitious.  Look, I was thumbin' through here, and found this page you marked.  The one with all the great wedding gowns, which would look best on me.  You got such good taste.

LAVERNE HANDS THE MAGAZINE TO SHIRLEY, WHO LOOKS AT IT.

SIRLEY [sic]

Laverne... You'd look good in all of them.

LAVERNE

Yeah?  Thanks.  But I guess you can't tell from a picture.  We'll go shoppin'.  We'll pick one out together, okay?  Listen, at the wedding I figured Carmine would sing.  You know what song?  (SINGS) "DID YOU EVER SEE A DREAM WALKIN".  It's our song and you gave it to us.  Remember the first night I brought Randy home... you gave it to us.

SHIRLEY TRIES TO SMILE.

LAVERNE (CONT'D)

Shirl, it's gonna be a great wedding.  And guess what?  You are gonna be... my maid of honor.

SHIRLEY TURNS AWAY, FIGHTING BACK TEARS.

LAVERNE

Aw, look at you.  C'mon you're my best friend.  Who'd you think I'd ask?  Bertha Kratsky or Thunderthighs Thurman?

SHIRLEY TURNS BACK TO LAVERNE.

EDNA

Laverne, don't you think you should get a little rest.

SHIRLEY
Remember, if your health you want to keep, you should visit Mr. Sleep.

LAVERNE

I look tired?  Maybe I just need some makeup.

LAVERNE EXITS SINGING INTO THE BEDROOM.  EDNA CROSSES TO SHIRLEY AND GIVES HER A SMALL HUG.

Then Frank comes in and the rest of this scene is the same in both versions.

Thoughts:

• It's interesting that the emotions were toned down, quieted, with performances and dialogue, in Scenes E and H.
• The part with Laverne in denial, and Shirley and Edna so concerned for her, is just heartbreaking.
• The thing of Laverne loving her "new mother" calling her "honey" is especially poignant here.
• Laverne making little jokes, about the tongue-twister of "pair of purple pedalpushers" and the callback to Thunderthighs, just breaks my heart more.
• And she wants to share her wedding excitement with her best friend, who was so happy for her at the fire station.
• The "our song," gah!
• I feel terrible for Laverne, but poor Shirley, too, trying not to cry.
• Edna is watching this, not saying much, but trying to be motherly to both girls.
• Is this section a loss?  I'm not sure.  I'm glad I've read it, that I now know that it exists, but, although I don't question the ability of Marshall, Williams, and Garrett to pull it off, it might've been too much, especially for the poor studio audience.

"Why Did the Fireman...?", Scene C

We get a new set, the "fire station - night."  Laverne was supposed to be wearing a fireman's helmet.  Her original opening line was "Don't rub him [the Dalmatian] so hard.  You're takin' the spots off. Down, Spot.  Spot, sit!  Please?"

In the script, after Laverne says she and Randy were "just washin' the dog," and Shirley says of course they were, there was this little exchange:

CARMINE

Shirl and I play little games too.  (TO SHIRLEY) You know, it's been a long time since we played "the bad boy who stays after school".

SHIRLEY

(COVERING) Carmine don't please, they'll take you seriously.

Also, in the script there was this:

SHIRLEY

Carmine and I are going home now.  (WINKING) Randy wants to ask you a very important questions [sic].  Understand?  Randy?  Question?

LAVERNE

Shirl.  You got something in your eye....

The boys' costumes are described as "their version of firemen."

In the script, Randy tells Laverne, "These last two months with you have been the happiest of my life.  We get along real good together, we have a lot in common."  Onscreen, their time together is fantastic, he loves and needs her, and he thinks they're perfect together.

When the boys slide down the pole, Squiggy was supposed to be on Lenny's shoulders.  In the script, Lenny's reaction to Laverne's "I love you" was a simple "Oh, Laverne," which was elaborated (my guess is by McKean) to "Oh, Laverne, why didn't you never—?"

A few thoughts:

• We get another hint here that Carmine and Shirley's love life may not be as innocent as she pretends.
• And speaking of hints, Shirley drops more here about the proposal than she would onscreen.
• Randy's filmed proposal is stronger and more romantic.  The scripted proposal sounds like a good argument to keep going steady.  
• However, I'm not sure how much Laverne actually has in common with any version of Randy.  Yes, she's clearly nuts about the guy, but in his three scenes do we really get a sense that this is who she should marry?  Don't get me wrong, Randy is better than the majority of the men we'd see her date, but it would've been nice to get a two-parter at a minimum and glimpse something from those missing two months.

"Why Did the Fireman...?", Scenes A and B

On December 18, 1979, about a month and a half before "Why Did the Fireman...?" aired, its Rev. Shooting Script came in.  This was enough time for some changes, including with Randy.  First though, here's the dedication on the photocopy I own of that script:

The name Roger is also in the upper right corner of this page, and it must be Roger Garrett, who wrote this episode.  I'd like to believe that "Michael" was Mr. McKean, but who knows?  I assume the reference to "wicker" was an in-joke.

We start, as we so often do, in the "girls' apartment - night."  Randy is described as "a very handsome guy." This was dropped:

SHIRLEY

...Uh, when you came in, did you hear me say anything embarrassing or humiliating?

RANDY

No.

SHIRLEY

Oh, good.

RANDY

My sister wanted a bigger chest, too.

SHIRLEY GROANS, EMBARRASSED.

Laverne and Randy's first kiss is described as "a special kiss for both of them."

The next scene is at the "Pizza Bowl - day."  Shirley and Carmine were supposed to be "disgusted" by Laverne and Randy mixing their milk and Pepsi together.  This was omitted after Shirley tells Carmine that they're not listening to him:

SHIRLEY

...Why don't you talk to me.

CARMINE

Okay.  You see the Packer game yesterday?  Boy, that Bart Starr....

SHIRLEY REACTS, PUTS A SLICE OF PIZZA IN CARMINE'S MOUTH.  ANGLE ON FRANK AND EDNA.  FRANK IS SMILING BROADLY.

FRANK

(POINTS TO HIS FACE) Edna, look.  You know what this is?

EDNA

Marinara sauce?

FRANK

No.  It's a happy face.

EDNA TAKES A NAPKIN AND WIPES OFF FRANK'S FACE.

EDNA

Now it's a clean happy face.

FRANK

I'm happy cause Laverne's happy.  She finally got herself a fella.  A real fella.  A fella's fella.

ENDA AND FRANK START TOWARD THE BACK.

FRANK (CONT'D)

Y'know what I'm sayin'?

EDNA

You're saying he's a fella.

FRANK

You're smart.  That's why I married you.

EDNA AND FRANK EXIT.  LAVERNE AND RANDY ARE STILL KISSING.

And after Shirley says, "Not here.  Not now," Laverne and Randy were supposed to break apart.  Then Shirley continued, "Oh, good, they came up for air.  Laverne, guess who I saw at Meckler's today?  Thunderthighs Thurman.  She broke down and bought a girdle.  If she'd gotten one five years ago, she wouldn't have had to wear a bedspread to the prom."  And then Laverne and Randy kissed again.

Carmine was supposed to ask Randy for a tour of the fire station about ten o'clock, which Randy wouldn't notice of course.

As Carmine and Shirley were leaving, he asked, "Hey, Shirl.  Did I ever meet your friend Thunderthighs?"  She answered, "You saw her at the lake.  She was the one in the four piece bathing suit."

Thoughts:

• In both versions, Randy has a 12-year-old brother, but here we also learn that he has a sister who's presumably older than twelve.  It feels odd for Randy to actually further embarrass Shirley, when he's such a gentleman onscreen, and yet I like him showing a sense of humor that makes him a better match for Laverne.
• The script is definitely guiding the reader/viewer into thinking that this is Mr. Right for Laverne, even though we won't see as much of their courtship as we'd get for Norman, or even Ted Nelson, Fireman.
• Carmine must know Shirley doesn't want to hear about the Packers game, but I think he just wants to talk about it.
• We do see Frank and Edna behind the counter but they don't get any lines in the aired version of the scene, and they suddenly disappear, so I wonder if their exchange was filmed but then chopped out for time.
• Frank is happy that Laverne is dating a manly fella that she likes, and he doesn't even bring up being Italian or providing grandchildren.
• Interestingly, we don't get Edna's take, although she's definitely got a weakness for handsome men.  Instead, she's more wifely here.
• At least Frank recognizes Edna is smart.
• While I'm always up for another lost Meckler's reference, I don't know what the deal is with all the fat-shaming of unseen characters in L&S scripts of this period.

"The Beatnik Show," Scenes D, E, and H

We return to the "Buttered Cocoon Coffeehouse - night."  The "garbage man" doesn't have any lines in the script, but onscreen he gets to say it's his birthday.

Onscreen, Shirley calmly says she's brought something for "Group Contemplation," but in the script it's a less cool "Me, me, me."

This little bit of dialogue was dropped:

LAVERNE

Uh... this isn't much of a poem.

SHIRLEY

She's so modest.

RAPHAEL

(TO LAVERNE) Lay it on us.

Then it's back to the "girls' apartment - a short time later."  The opening is the same, although I love the stage direction about Laverne's ice cream cone, "Note: It's a sugar cone."

And they left out this after Laverne tells Shirley the flavors she got:

LAVERNE

...Wanna lick?

SHIRLEY

They were out of sprinkles?

LAVERNE

Yeah.  So I ate a Hershey bar first.

SHIRLEY

(TAKES A LICK) Good thinking.

We lost Shirley saying that Laverne's "grocery man" poem was "a major opus."

The scene, and act, were supposed to end on the girls hugging but, maybe because of the ice cream cone, they sort of pat each other's backs.

The tag is in the same setting, with "continuous action."  The only real difference from onscreen is Shirley's closing line was, re Barbara's hickey being shaped like Texas, "I bet she'll remember the Alamo."

The main thing in these three scenes is that, for whatever reason, Laverne originally shared her ice cream with Shirley.  Maybe this seemed too intimate and/or messy.

Overall, this isn't one of those scripts with big surprises throughout, or at least scattered.  There are differences from what would air, but not earth-shattering.

"The Beatnik Show," Scene C

Act Two opens at the apartment, still "night," but definitely a different night.  In the script, Laverne tells Barbara Korder on the phone, "Every night for the last two weeks she's been goin' down to that beatnik place... No, no, not The Stupid Baboon, The Buttered Cocoon."

They skipped Laverne saying of the Mighty Oak, "I thought I saw him eyein' my bongos," which would've had a different connotation with Art G. in the role.  

This was omitted after Laverne says Ferlinghetti's "Coney Island of the Mind" was wrong:

SHIRLEY

What do you mean, it was wrong?  It's poetry.  It can't be wrong.

LAVERNE

Hey, I been to Coney Island.  And everybody goes there for the rides.  I read that book twice and not once did he mention the rides.  He left out the whole roller coaster, and it's the biggest one in the world.

SHIRLEY

Laverne, the rides aren't important!

LAVERNE

How about the hot dogs then?

SHIRLEY

He's not concerned about that.  It's about deeper things like man's inhumanity about the alienation of modern existence to man, about the great void in the center of our lives.

LAVERNE

Then why don't he just say... what you said.

Shirley calling Ferlinghetti brilliant was kept, but they dropped part of the girls' argument about the leaf:

SHIRLEY

Look again.  This time tell me what you really see.

LAVERNE

A green leaf?

SHIRLEY SNATCHES THE LEAF AWAY FROM LAVERNE.

SHIRLEY

No, no, no!  This is the sky and the earth, the wind and the rain.

LAVERNE

It can't be!  If it was all that, you couldn't fit it in the apartment!

In the script, Laverne again crumples the leaf after Shirley leaves and she says, "And now it's just something that should be raked into a pile and burned."  This Hello Cue turned into the slightly less insulting "every jerk and his mother" knowing it's a leaf.  The boys' cooking outfits are not in the script.

Onscreen, we'd learn that the issue of Tales of Suspense is #49, but in the script Lenny informs us, "He's had it for years.  I think he's close to finishing it."  Squiggy's inability to read and hear at the same time was a neat addition.

Squiggy's line "Oh, so he's the black scorpion" became an observation that the black scorpion has evil powers because he's the bad guy.  And later Squiggy's observation about "the fat guy" was added, I assume by Lander.  On the other hand, we lost his line, "Oh, what a twist.  The black scorpion is really three nuns with a thirst for vengeance."

Lenny's aside that he wouldn't say he loves Squiggy if "he were here," was simply "You see, I love this little guy."

Lenny falling off the couch arm and onto Laverne was not in the script, and his remark that she should have the couch fixed sounds like an adlib.

In the script, Laverne and Lenny hug after he says she loves Shirley like he loves Squiggy, but onscreen the hug is just on his side, although she's been lightly touching him unscripted.  Then in the filmed version, she asks him to identify the leaf, and they have some more funny cuteness.  Here's the printed version of the end of this scene, after the hug:

LENNY

Could we have our cup of pork now?

LAVERNE

Gee, sorry, we're fresh out of pork.

LENNY

That's okay.  Any animal tissue will do.

LAVERNE GOES INTO THE KITCHEN.

LENNY

(TO SQUIGGY) How'd the comic book come out?

SQUIGGY

Somebody stole the last page, so I have to start over.

Thoughts:

• Other than Shirley's "inhumanity" line, I don't feel like we needed any more of their arguments in this scene.
• Poor Squiggy, that must be frustrating reading, although he's certainly persistent.
• I like all the lines about his comic, both onscreen and scripted, especially the "nuns" one.
• While I like Lenny not forgetting why the boys came downstairs, I do prefer the version onscreen for its Lavenny-ness.

"The Beatnik Show," Scene B

We get a new setting, "the 'Buttered Cocoon Coffeehouse' - night."  The description is pretty faithful, both of the coffeehouse and of the patrons in " 'beat' dress."

They left out the poet saying "pickle" among his P-words, as well as Laverne yelling, "Pepsi!"

They skipped Shirley asking, "What do you think?" about the espresso, after the girls drink it and make faces.  Then Laverne would've said, "Now I know why they don't give you big cups."

This is a good time to mention that the cast list has an actor named Doug Cox as Krasnow, better known to viewers as "The Mighty Oak."  Now, Doug Cox actually is credited as "The Birthday Boy" for this episode, a lineless character who is in Scene D of the script.  How Art Garfunkel got involved, other than dating Penny and having a sense of humor about himself, I don't know.

They omitted Laverne's line about Krasnow cramping up, "Maybe it's from the coffee.  And may I remind you, we also drank some."  After Shirley says she thinks Krasnow is himself the Mighty Oak, there was this:

LAVERNE

Why?

SHIRLEY

I don't know, it's intellectual.

PATRONS

Ssshh!

LAVERNE

I'll bet that's the way they boo!

Laverne "playing a tune on her lips with her finger" is in the script, as is also Laverne playing with the candle and Shirley giving her "an Indian burn."

In the script, the Shirley Feeney scarf dance had additionally been booed "the time we got stuck in the elevator at Meckler's."  Also, in the script Shirley asks Laverne, "C'mon, where's your sense of derring do?"

When the crowd all stands up after the dance, Laverne in the script says, "Told you, Shirl.  Just like the elevator at Meckler's."

A couple thoughts:

• The bad, overpriced espresso is a bigger deal in the script.
• I like the Meckler's references.
• We're already done with Act One and the changes aren't particularly shocking so far.

"The Beatnik Show," Scene A

On December 11, 1979, six weeks before "The Beatnik Show" aired, its Revised Shooting Script came in.  There would be changes....

We start in the "girl's [sic] apartment - evening."  The beginning is the same in both versions, but then after Shirley mocks Laverne for trying to see if the light goes out in the fridge, while other people are out at parties and movies, the script has this:

LAVERNE

Go on, make fun.  But I'll know and they won't.

SHIRLEY

Who cares anyway?

LAVERNE GOES BACK TO OPENING AND CLOSING THE DOOR.  CURIOSITY QUICKLY GETS THE BEST OF SHIRLEY, AND SHE JOINS LAVERNE AGAIN.  AFTER A COUPLE OF BEATS, LAVERNE LEAVES THE DOOR CLOSED.

LAVERNE

Yep, it went out.

SHIRLEY

No, it didn't.

THEY ARGUE FOR A BEAT.  FINALLY LAVERNE TUGS AT THE REFRIGERATOR.

SHIRLEY (CONT'D)

Now what are you doing?

LAVERNE

I'm gonna pull the refrigerator out and take the back off.  Then we'll know for sure.

LAVERNE AND SHIRLEY STRUGGLE TO SLIDE THE REFRIGERATOR FROM THE WALL.  A BEAT, THEN SHIRLEY STOPS LAVERNE.

SHIRLEY

Look at us.  We're wasting a Friday night hugging a major appliance.  This is pathetic.

A BEAT, THE GIRLS CONTEMPLATE THEIR ACTIONS.

SHIRLEY

Let's pull together this time.  One, two, three...

ON THREE, THE FRONT DOOR BURSTS OPEN AND FRANK RUSHES IN, FOLLOWED BY EDNA.

Frank and Edna do come in onscreen and Frank blaming Edna for missing Victory at Sea is in both versions.  But they dropped Frank saying, "And she has the nerve to say she loves me," followed by Edna's "I do love you.  Who else could love a man who yells, 'Go Navy' to a television?"

Then when Shirley talks about Betty Joe DePetrio being excited about the Buttered Cocoon, Laverne said, "Betty Joe gets excited when they call her number at the bakery," to which Shirley replied, "She's a fat girl, Laverne."

After Frank wants the girls to stay and settle the argument, Edna said, "Yeah, tell him I have the right to get taken out once in a while," and he said, "Tell her I got the right to stay home after workin' hard all day."

They added the detail that the sandwiches Shirley was making were peanut butter and Spam, I assume separately.  The aired footage ends with the girls rushing out, but there was a bit more in the script:

FRANK

C'mon Edna, let's go out and shoot some pool.

EDNA

I'm tired.  I wanna go home.

FRANK

(TONGUE IN CHEEK) You never wanna go anywhere.

EDNA GRABS A PILLOW AND CHASES FRANK OUT OF THE ROOM.

A few thoughts:

• The stuff with the fridge is cute, as is Frank and Edna's extended argument, but neither is particularly necessary.
• It's just as well they left out the gratuitous fat-shaming of an unseen character.
• Edna wanting to go home raises one of my unanswered questions about Season Five:  Where do Frank and Edna live after they get married?  I mean, his apartment over the Pizza Bowl is just at the end of the block, so I could see her still managing 730 Knapp Street from there.  Then again, he doesn't have to live over the PB to get to work.

"Take Two, They're Small," Scenes E, H, and J

We roll down to the "Pfister Roller Rink - night."  Laverne was supposed to have her camera and be "snapping pictures" as she skates with Brent, but otherwise the opening stage directions are intact.

The organist's line "I spent six years in the conservatory for this?" was added, as were most of his other lines.  (The only one in the script is the one about "the Cooperman wedding.")

Ah, the "tiny tie" exchange was moved to this scene for filming.  I'd forgotten.

Brent and Lance complimenting Laverne's legs, as the girls fight with the Boylen sisters, was not in the script.

Instead of the scene ending with the girls imitating the Boylens' laughs, this is how it went in the script:

LAVERNE PICKS UP HER CAMERA.

LAVERNE

Now, this is a picture.  Smile, Claudette.

SHIRLEY

I think she is.

LAVERNE SNAPS THE PICTURE.

Then it's back to the apartment, still at night.  Scene H is pretty much the same in both versions.  However, on air it was the tag, while it's the penultimate scene in the script.

The scripted tag is also in the apartment, but "a few nights later":

SHIRLEY, WEARING HER PAJAMAS AND A ROBE, IS PLAYING SOLITAIRE ON THE COFFEE TABLE.  SHE IS CHEATING.  LAVERNE ENTERS FROM THE BEDROOM.  SHE IS HOLDING SOMETHING BEHIND HER BACK.

LAVERNE

Shirl, Brent was right.  My feet ain't growing.

SHIRLEY

I told you you were crazy.

LAVERNE

I'm not crazy.  I'm stupid.  Look.  Remember when you told me to find a good place to put these inner soles?  (HOLDS UP EIGHT INNER SOLES)

LAVERNE                                                SHIRLEY

I put 'em in my skates.                              You put them in your skates.

THE DOOR BURSTS OPEN AND LENNY AND SQUIGGY ENTER.

SQUIGGY

Well, girls, how were your dates?  Did you have a good little time?

THE GUYS LAUGH, AND ELBOW EACH OTHER.

SHIRLEY

Actually, we had a delightful time, thank you.

THE GUYS REACT.

LENNY

You liked 'em?

SQUIGGY

Well, then, you're gonna love the guys we got lined up for you next week.  A couple of real prince charmings.  Hold still and let 'em check you out.

LENNY

(CALLING OUT THE DOOR) Oh, Rock?  Tab?

TWO ELDERLY GUYS ENTER.  THEY LOOK AT THE GIRLS.

ROCK

Too old.

THEY TURN AND EXIT.  ON THE GIRLS' REACTION, WE :

FADE OUT.

Thoughts:

• I think it's just as well they left out Laverne's camera in Scene E.
• The "I think she is" smiling line has to do with the Boylen sisters having "their rear ends up in the air."
• Is Shirley cheating at solitaire some kind of comment on her love life?
• Laverne's fear about her feet is a bigger deal on paper than on air, and that's not much of a payoff.
• I'd rather think that the boys fixed the girls up to make money and maybe to help their friends, rather than that they were also motivated by a chance to mock the girls, since that seems a little mean-spirited, as does their fixing them up with cradle-robbing old men.
• The names "Rock" and "Tab" are supposed to suggest '50s film hunks Rock Hudson and Tab Hunter.  That both actors much later came out as gay is one of the ironies of this script.
• Overall, this script mostly seems to have been trimmed, rather than drastically overhauled in that week and a half before the airdate.  This was at a time when L&S had been pushed over to Thursdays and fallen in the ratings, so that may've added to the uncertainty.  It's not a bad script, or episode, but neither is it a classic.

"Take Two, They're Small," Scene D

Act Two opens where we left off, with "continuous action":

LANCE

Laverne?  Shirley?

THE GIRLS RESPOND TO THEIR NAMES BY WAVING.

SHIRLEY

Lance?  Brent?

THE GUYS DO THE SAME.

SHIRLEY (CONT'D)

Well.  Well.  Well.

LANCE

Can we sit down?

SHIRLEY/LAVERNE

Wellll... sure.  Yeah.  Come in.

This was replaced by Laverne inviting the guys by name to sit down.

Laverne wondering "where they got those tiny ties," and Shirley saying, "At a tiny tie store," was replaced by Shirley saying she's going to kill Lenny and Squiggy.

Onscreen, there's a dissolve skipping over the girls getting the martinis and sitting down on the couch between their dates, so they're just there.

Laverne's line "Don't eat the olives.  They're just there to adorn" was understandably dropped.  I'm less sure why they omitted Laverne saying of her pop, "He's not exactly Mr. Tact."

Laverne mentioning that Edna is her "new mom" and she and Frank are "sort of newlywed" is a nice little addition.  They left out Frank saying offscreen, "Hey, Edna.  Did you get a load of those two guys?" and Edna replying, "Frank, hush," which is probably just as well.

The omitted opening is basically filler, so I can see why it had to go, although it does add to the awkwardness.  Other than the "tiny tie" store line, there's not really anything here I'd keep.

"Take Two, They're Small," Scenes B and C

Now we're at the "girls' apartment - evening":
 

LAVERNE IS STRUGGLING TO GET HER SKATES ON.  SHE IS HUNCHING ALONG THE FLOOR BACK AND FORTH.  SHIRLEY IS WATCHING.

SHIRLEY

Whatever are you doing?

LAVERNE

I'm trying to get these skates on.  Shirl, I think my feet are getting bigger.  By the time I'm thirty, that'll be my shoe size.

SHIRLEY

Hey, don't worry.  If your skates don't fit.  You can rent some tomorrow night at the new rink.

This was exchanged for a voiceover of Shirley saying they'll have fun at the roller rink, at an unspecified time.

For some reason, in the script there are 872 Shirleys in Milwaukee, rather than the 827 of the filming.  (Maybe somebody switched digits.)  They left out Squiggy saying "aww" at the death of "Old Shirley."    And when Squiggy asks if Lenovac has a date for Laverne, the "computer asks, "Which Laverne?"  Squiggy replies, "Desperate Laverne."

The cost of the date is only "one buck" in the script, which became $3 by filming.  (Inflation?)  When the boys exit, Squiggy says that Lenovac is "grieving for 'Old Shirley.' "

Shirley is a lot more excited for and jealous of Laverne going out with a doctor in the filmed version than in the script.

Carmine greeting Shirley with a big smooch was added, as was her Shirley Shimmy a little later.  Squiggy's closing line was of course changed from "That'll be one buck" to "That'll be three bucks."

The next scene is in the same place, but "Saturday night":

LAVERNE IS IN THE KITCHEN.  SHE IS READING A BOOK AND POURING FROM A BOTTLE INTO A PITCHER ON THE COUNTER.

LAVERNE

'Pour gin into a pitcher of ice.'  (SHE DOES: READING) 'And stir....

LAVERNE STIRS VIGOROUSLY.  SHE TURNS THE PAGE IN THE BOOK.

LAVERNE (CONT'D)

...gently.'

LAVERNE TRIES TO REPAIR WHAT SHE'S DONE BY STICKING HER HAND IN THE PITCHER AND STOPPING THE ICE CUBES FROM MOVING.

LAVERNE (CONT'D)

(READING) 'Pour the Martinis into glasses and adorn with small green olives.'  'Adorn,' I like that.  Adorn.  Adorn.

LAVERNE POURS THE DRINKS INTO GLASSES.

LAVERNE (CONT'D)

We don't got any olives.  Adorn.  (THINKING) Small green olives.

LAVERNE LOOKS AROUND THE KITCHEN AND SPOTS THE BOWL OF ARTIFICIAL FRUIT.  SHE PICKS TWO RUBBER GRAPES AND PUTS THEM IN THE GLASSES.

LAVERNE (CONT'D)

How about small rubber grapes?  Adorn.

This was replaced by Laverne in voiceover telling Shirley about making martinis.  Otherwise, Scene C is intact, and that's it for Act One.

It's interesting that both scenes previously had openings with Laverne and physical humor.  I don't think there's any great loss with either, or the running joke about "Old Shirley."  So far, this script is mostly just "not bad."

"Take Two, They're Small," Scene A

On November 12, 1979, a mere ten days before "Take Two, They're Small" aired, its Shooting Script was submitted.  Although they were cutting it close, they still found places to change the story before editing.

We begin in the "break room - day":

IT IS LUNCH TIME AND THE ROOM IS CROWDED WITH WORKERS.  LAVERNE AND SHIRLEY ARE EATING AT THEIR TABLE.  LAVERNE TAKES HER GUM AND STICKS IT UNDER THE TABLE.

SHIRLEY

Very nice.

LAVERNE

If gum wasn't meant to be put under a table, it wouldn't stick there.

In the script, Squiggy notes that the four women are sitting alone, but it wasn't until filming that he called them beautiful.  There are some little Squiggisms, like "'ceptable" for "skeptical, and "two equally disgusting sexes," which I assume Lander added.  On the other hand, Lenny was supposed to hug himself, which would've been cute.

The last part of the scene was dropped:

SQUIGGY

There's no shame in being desperate, Laverne.  The shame part comes when we tell everybody.

LAVERNE

We're not desperate, we're... what are we, Shirl?

SHIRLEY

Choosey.

SQUIGGY

What's that, French for hard up?

LAVERNE GOES FOR SQUIGGY AND STARTS TO CHOKE HIM.

SQUIGGY

Stop it woman!  You are choking a corporation.

AMID CHAOS, WE: 

DISSOLVE TO [the next scene]

The gummy opening isn't that necessary, but the closing bit includes some of my favorite things:

• Squiggy being aggravating;
• Laverne trying to choke him;
• Him calling her "woman" and himself a "corporation."

"Testing, Testing," Scenes P and S

Yes, that's how they letter the scenes when there are that many.   (A dozen in this case.)  Scene P is in the "breakroom - a couple days later."  In case you're curious, Lenny's opening line originally was "So, how your fingers doin'?", which became the sweeter "How's your little hand there, Laverne?"

After Lenny Ronnies at the idea of Laverne going crazy on a first date, she was scripted to say, "With a human boy."  And Squiggy didn't react at all in the script, but he loves it onscreen.

The three-person spit-take is in the script, but not Lenny putting on sunglasses.

The last bit of the scene, after Dr. Gentry's report, was dropped:

SQUIGGY

Who?

SHIRLEY

Us.

SQUIGGY

Oh, I'm touched.

SHIRLEY

Moving.

LAVERNE

Beautiful.

LENNY

I knew we'd get fired.

And so ends Act Two.

The tag is set in "the girls' apartment - living room - next morning."  In the script, Shirley is so outraged by what she sees in Carmine's drawing that she not only punches him, but she grabs his earlobe and twists it, and starts poking him.  This became two punches onscreen.  The scene ends with her "beating him with the picture," which might be happening as we hear voiceovers and see the outside of the apartment window.

It's interesting that they somewhat toned down Shirley's violence towards Carmine, and played up the Lavenny a bit more.  As for the post-report dialogue, it's not really needed, because the Core Four say all that with their facial expressions.

Overall, this is a great script that became a great episode.  I wish I could see an earlier version, but this still hints at some of the process.

"Testing, Testing," Scenes L and M

We return to the "breakroom hallway - a few moments later":

SHIRLEY ENTERS WITH THE DOCTOR.

SHIRLEY

He said it was perfectly normal to read Bible stories to Boo-Boo Kitty.  So get off my back about the cat.

SHIRLEY EXITS.

LAVERNE

You talked about me in there.  You were supposed to talk about you.

DOCTOR

(LOOKING AT CLIPBOARD) Laverne DeFazio?

LAVERNE SHAKES HER HEAD "NO".

LAVERNE

No, I don't work here.  Just stopped to rest.  I'm walking across the United States backwards.  'Bye.

LAVERNE STARTS TO EXIT BACKWARDS.

DOCTOR

Too late.  I saw the "L," Laverne.

LAVERNE COVERS HER "L."

LAVERNE

(SHE REVERSES AND WALKS BACKWARDS, AS SHE ENTERS) That's a stuffed cat.

That L-ish scene was omitted.  The next scene takes place in the breakroom, with "continuous action."

They skipped Laverne putting her head on the table and calling herself "dumb, dumb, dumb," but they added her and Dr. Gentry talking about her fear of psychiatrists and her fear of seeming dumb.

Onscreen, Laverne questions why his favorite color is white, but in the script his favorite is blue, so she says, "I like purple but to each his own."  And in the script, his favorite flavor is chocolate instead of the vanilla of the filming.

In the aired scene, Laverne just says she fell asleep, but here's the earlier version:

LAVERNE

'Cause I fell asleep standing up.  Do you ever do that?  (PRETENDS TO FALL ASLEEP) I been workin' here five years.  (HOLDS UP MITTENS)  It is so boring on the same line every day.  Bottle, cap, bottle, cap, bottle, cap.

A few thoughts: 

• I'm always happy to see more Booboo Kitty backstory, but I guess Scene L isn't that necessary.  And they moved Laverne's fear of the doctor into the next scene, in a different form.
• White as a favorite color works better in the scene, especially since it allows Laverne to do a visual joke about her bandages.  And I guess they changed chocolate to vanilla, to go with white.
• Purple is my favorite, but I don't know that it makes more sense than any other color for Laverne.  (It would make good sense for Squiggy, well, that or black.)
• I sort of wish they'd kept Laverne's boredom at work, because that tells us more about her, including as an "adjuster."
• Five years at Shotz sounds about right, since the girls apparently started around December of 1956, and this is probably set in the Fall of '61.

"Testing, Testing," Scenes J and K

We return to the "breakroom hall - a short time later."  They dropped this after, Shirley says she's faced tougher talk:

SHIRLEY

...Remember when I had to talk to Mr. Ramirez, the Guidance Counselor, what happened then, huh?

LAVERNE

He made you cry and then you threw up in the nurse's office.

SHIRLEY

Yes.  Why did you have to remind me.  The doctor may discover that cruel streak in you, Laverne.

The next scene is back in the "breakroom - continuous action."  They of course skipped Shirley telling Dr. Gentry, "But remember, I can always make wax lips with Isaac Mulligan."

Onscreen, Shirley's bravado gives way to whimpering, but in the script, after the doctor says he just wants to talk, there was this:

SHIRLEY

Sure you do, pally.  Where's my picture?  (SHIRLEY BEGINS TO GO THROUGH HIS PAPERS) I want the picture of my house back.

DOCTOR

I've got it right here.

SHIRLEY

Give it to me.  I want my house.

SHE REACHES ACROSS THE TABLE AND IMPALES HERSELF ON PENCILS.

SHIRLEY (CONT'D)

Okay, I'll be good.

DOCTOR

I just wanna talk, okay?

SHIRLEY LOOKS AT HIM FOR A BEAT.

SHIRLEY

Okay.

For some reason, the detail that Shirley's dream husband is a doctor did not make it to filming.

Although these scenes are somewhat faithful, they are more changed than the matching scenes with the boys.  I like the detail of Shirley and the guidance counselor, although her possessiveness of her house drawing is a bit over the top, especially the impaling.