"2001 - A Comedy Odyssey," Scenes D and E

Act Two opens still in the girls apartment, with continuous action.

After Squiggy says that Lenny literally lost his (Lenny's) wife, Lenny originally had the sad-funny line, "It was an amazing coincidence.  She disappeared the same day as the milkman."

Lenny falling asleep mid-proposal was added.  In the script, "Laverne and Lenny crash the couch down," but all we know is that they're kissing, and it gets a bit more graphic onscreen.

The very last line of the scene, Shirley's "This is supposed to be the happiest moment in a girl's life," was left out.

Moving on to Scene E, it's still in the apartment, "a short time later," so I guess Zeke's last rites didn't take long.

In the script, Squiggy is "wearing bullet-proof vest over tuxedo," rather than part of a knight's armor, which is a better visual gag.

This was dropped, after the girls enter "in wedding gowns that have yellowed with age":

LENNY

The wedding's off.  They ain't wearing white.

LAVEREN

They were white.  You looked better fifty years ago, too.

In contrast, Lenny onscreen tells Laverne she looks wonderful.  Laverne happily jumping and saying, "Hot dog!" about Lenny's manly duties abilities was not in the script.  I do wish they'd kept Squiggy saying he hopes his first child with Shirley is "a twin."

Laverne calling Lenny's name as he exits was added. We lost Shirley calling Laverne "you great fud monster" at the beginning of their fight.

Both in the script and onscreen, the boys haven't seen the girls in 48 years (since '72?  certainly not '53), and Laverne is 83, suggesting she's at least a few months older than 82-year-old Shirley.

Onscreen, this scene ends with Shirley's remark about Laverne and cakes, as she puts her arm around Laverne.  Here's the last half page in the script:

THEY LOOK AT EACH OTHER FOR SEVERAL BEATS AND LIGHTLY PUNCH EACH OTHER'S ARMS.

LAVERNE

Maybe I should lose a few pounds.  You think if I ate less dessert, I would retain less water?

SHIRLEY

I'm sure of it.  Maybe if I got new frames, I'd look better in my glasses.

LAVERNE

Sure, then we could start going to the movies again.  You could see, and I could fit in the seats.  Help me up.

SHIRLEY

Can't you just sleep here tonight?

LAVERNE REACTS.  SHIRLEY HELPS HER UP.

Thoughts:

• Laverne and Lenny are more into each other onscreen than in the script.  And would Lenny really care about Laverne being a virgin after all this time?  I mean, I don't think he ever did, unlike Squiggy about Shirley.
• I think it's just as well they left out the last bit, since it undercuts the girls deciding they're happy with their lives and puts things on a more shallow level.
• Overall, the filmed version of Scene E is an improvement, although I still have issues with it.

"2001 - A Comedy Odyssey," Scene C

We're back in the "girls apartment," but it is now the Year 2020, and no, that's not a typo.  But we'll get to that.
 

WE ARE IN THE MIDDLE OF LAVERNE'S DREAM.  THE APARTMENT IS JUST ABOUT THE WAY IT ALWAYS IS.  A LITTLE OLDER BUT ESSENTIALLY THE SAME.  THERE IS A TEAPOT WITH TWO CUPS ON THE COFFEE TABLE.  AN OLD SHIRLEY COMES OUT OF THE BEDROOM CARRYING A "CONFIDENTIAL" MAGAZINE.  SHE IS SPRY, EIGHTY AND BLIND AS A BAT.  SHE SITS DOWN AND FEELS AROUND FOR THE TEAPOT.  SHE FILLS IT, LIFTS THE TEAPOT AND ONE OF THE CUPS.  SHE MISSES THE CUP COMPLETELY, BUT MIRACULOUSLY THE TEA GOES IN THE OTHER CUP.  SHIRLEY GOES INTO THE LIVING ROOM AND BUMPS HER LEG.

SHIRLEY

Laverne's always moving the furniture.

The apartment and Shirley are as described, but she's in the kitchen when the filmed scene starts.  It looks like she just spills the tea on the floor.  And her bumping her leg and commenting on it are omitted.

Here's the description of Laverne:

LAVERNE HAS NOT TAKEN CARE OF HERSELF OVER THE YEARS.  SHE IS A VERY FAT OLD LADY.  SHE WADDLES IN....

This was left out after Laverne asks how Shirley knows that "vo-de-oh-do" is "not that big a thing":

LAVERNE

...Do you know?

SHIRLEY

No.  I don't know.  My goodness, Laverne.  You ask me that question fifty times every day.

LAVERNE

Well, I don't want you knowin' if I don't know.

SHIRLEY

You're gonna know soon.  I'm the one that's gonna be an old maid.  Tea?

Onscreen, Shirley just asks if Laverne wants tea.

Carmine is described as "a priest.  He's got grey hair, but the dancing has kept him in pretty good shape.  He is carrying a Bible."  But his hands are free onscreen, and he's able to help Laverne up from kneeling, something not in the script.

They dropped Shirley calling Carmine "you passionate fool."  But they added her telling him she's "read books."

Otherwise, for an eleven-page scene it's pretty faithful.  My main note is that I think it's interesting that Laverne doesn't want Shirley to get laid behind her back, so to speak, when Laverne has been saving herself all this time.  Also, if we assume that the girls are born in 1938ish (Class of '56), then Shirley would be 82ish in 2020.  But I guess that wouldn't have enabled them to get the movie-referencing episode title.

"2001 - A Comedy Odyssey," Scenes A and B

On February 22, 1978, almost three months before "2001 - A Comedy Odyssey" aired, its Rev. Shooting Script came in.  Let's see what got changed.

We start in the "girls' apartment - night."  The first page and a half made it in but they dropped the last page, after Frank says he wants grandchildren:

FRANK

...It'll be nice.  I'll take 'em to the park, tuck 'em in at night, teach 'em to make pizza.

EDNA

If it'll make you feel better, why don't you tuck Laverne in?

FRANK

Good idea.

EDNA

Go ahead.  I'll get the dinner dishes cleaned up.

FRANK GETS UP TO GO TO THE BEDROOM.

FRANK

If there were any meatballs left over, save me one.

EDNA

For a sandwich?

FRANK

No.  I wanna play handball.

AS FRANK GOES TO THE BEDROOM, WE: 

CUT TO:

The next scene is set in the "girls' bedroom - continuous action."  Almost all of it was dropped, and it's short, so I'll quote it in full:

LAVERNE AND SHIRLEY ARE BOTH IN BED.  THEY ARE UNDER THE COVERS SO THAT WE CAN'T SEE THEIR FACES.  LAVERNE IS SLEEPING WITH HER BUTT UP IN THE AIR.  FRANK ENTERS.  HE TIPTOES BETWEEN THE BEDS

FRANK

(TO LAVERNE) You sleep like your mother.

FRANK PUSHES LAVERNE'S BUTT DOWN GENTLY.  HER BUTT COMES BACK UP.

FRANK (CONT'D)

Come on, Muffin.  Your old pop would feel a lot better if he knew you had a husband to take care of you.  None of us are gettin' any younger.  (TO SHIRLEY) That goes for you, too.

AS FRANK LEAVES THE ROOM, LAVERNE BEGINS TO TOSS AND TURN.

LAVERNE

(IN HER SLEEP) Married.  Get married...

FRANK

Right.  Hold that thought.

FRANK EXITS.

LAVERNE

Got to get married before it's too late.  Got to get married... got to get married....

AS LAVERNE GOES INTO HER DREAM, WE: 

OIL DISSOLVE TO [Scene C]:

Thoughts:

• OK, Frank's plans for his grandchildren are actually very sweet.
• Why doesn't he tuck Laverne in?  Um, maybe because she's a grown woman with a roommate?  And because poking her butt is inappropriate.
• Is the meatball joke an insult to someone's cooking?
• It's a bit sweet that we see the reasons behind Frank's nagging, which we don't get in the episode as aired.  But obviously it adds to Laverne's subconscious stress.
• Laverne's tossing and turning and sleep-talking about marriage were condensed.

"Bus Stop," Scene K

At the very top of the page it says, "TO BE FILMED AFTER THE SHOW."   All the script has of the Tag is the part between the girls in the apartment.  At the bottom it says, "CUT TO:  MILWAUKEE MOON."  Presumably the musical sequence was already done, or wasn't really something they could script.

Otherwise, by the time of the Revised Shooting Script, the basics of "Bus Stop" were there, but things got trimmed for time and suggestiveness.

"Bus Stop," Scene J

The clock onscreen says 11:00, but in the script it's only a "short time later" at the bus station.

The first couple pages made it in, but then instead of a fadeout as Shirley hits the Station Master with her purse, there was this:

SHIRLEY SPINS AND SLAPS THE MAN'S FACE.

SHIRLEY

Men!  You're all pigs.  You're a disgrace to your uniform.

STATION MASTER

And you floozies are not worth twenty-five.

LAVERNE

Oh yeah.  We're worth twenty-five dollars.  We're worth fifty bucks.  We're worth all the tea in China, buddy-boy.

SHIRLEY

What are you talking about?

LAVERNE

I don't know.

THE STATION MASTER LEAVES.

SHIRLEY

Well, Laverne.  We've hit rock bottom.  Mistaken for ladies of the evening in Oshkosh.

LAVERNE

They all got filthy minds.  Just 'cause two girls are alone in a bus station late at night asking for money, they think that... (BEAT)  I'd think that, too.  He made an honest mistake.  (TO STATION MASTER WHO IS O.S.) You made an honest mistake.

STATION MASTER (O.S.)

Forget it.

LAVERNE

Come on.  We might as well get dibs on this bench if we're gonna be here all night.

THE GIRLS GO TO THE BENCH.  IT IS JUST LONG ENOUGH FOR TWO PEOPLE END TO END.  THE BUM IS RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BENCH.

SHIRLEY

There's no room at the inn.

LAVERNE    

Don't worry.  We'll make room.

LAVERNE GRABS THE BUM'S FEET AND SLIDES HIM TO ONE END OF THE BENCH.

LAVERNE (CONT'D)

There.  Now at least we got half a dib.

THEY LIE DOWN TOGETHER.  SHIRLEY LIES NEXT TO LAVERNE.  THEY SETTLE, AND LAVERNE PUTS HER ARM OVER SHIRLEY.

SHIRLEY

I can't lie this way.  It's better if they'd sleep by the wall.  [I have no idea who "they" is.]

THEY CHANGE PLACES TO AN UNCOMFORTABLE POSITION.

LAVERNE

This isn't fair at all.  We were better off in the first place.

THEY START TO CHANGE PLACES AGAIN.  SHIRLEY FALLS OFF THE BENCH.  LAVERNE MAKES HERSELF COMFORTABLE.

LAVERNE (CONT'D)

What are you doin' down there?

Onscreen, some of the stage directions for the bench carried over, but the dialogue was different.

They left out the toilet flushing after they leave the bum in the men's room, but this was only seven years after All in the Family broke that taboo.

There's a "reset" while it stays the same scene.  The girls are supposed to be be "in funny sleeping positions," but it looks like they haven't moved.  The boys' dialogue as they enter isn't in the script and might be adlibs, but the "Sleeping Beauty" dialogue is only slightly modified from the script.  We did lose Squiggy asking, "Who's better equipped than the two of yours truly?'

And here are the very interesting stage directions and dialogue for the kissing and immediately afterwards.:

THE BOYS BEND DOWN AND KISS THE GIRLS.  THE GIRLS JUMP UP..

SHIRLEY

Masher!  Masher!

THE GIRLS FIGHT WITH THE BOYS FOR A MOMENT, THEN NOTICE WHO IT IS.

LENNY

Hey, you're punchin' Prince Charming.

SHIRLEY

Boys.  Oh, you wonderful boys.

After the boys exit, with Lenny's "Boy are they hard up" being changed to "Boy, and I thought we were hard up,"  this was omitted:

LAVERNE

And that guy didn't think I was worth twenty-five dollars.

SHIRLEY

He wasn't your father.

This is what was supposed to happen after Laverne says she put their names on the men's room wall:

SHIRLEY

You didn't?

SHIRLEY [sic]

Nah.  I'm kidding.  I put them on the blackboard.

SHIRLEY

What?

LAVERNE

You'll thank me later.

LAVERNE SHOVES SHIRLEY OUT.  THEY EXIT.  

WE MOVE IN ON THE BLACKBOARD TO SEE:

LAVERNE

&

SHIRLEY

5559156

Thoughts:

• I can see why the stuff about Laverne saying how much they're worth, and her forgiving the station master, didn't make it in.
• The changes in dialogue for the bench aren't that important, other than this wasn't set in stone.
• There you have it.  It was not specifically scripted as L/S and S/L change-up kisses.  I wonder how it ended up like that.
• Oh, you wonderful boys.
• Onscreen, it would be ambiguous whether Laverne is kidding about their phone number, but in this version, we actually see the anachronistic number on the blackboard.  (It should've been BUtterfield8 or Beechwood 4-5789 or something like that for 1960.)

"Bus Stop," Scenes E and H

We go to the "Bus Station - night":

THIS IS A TYPICAL, SEEDY, RUN-DOWN BUS STATION, DECORATED WITH LITTER.  THERE IS A TICKET WINDOW WITH A TICKET SALESMAN AND LARRY AND GREG SITTING ON A BENCH.  THE CLOCK SAYS 9:00.

GREG

An hour late.

LARRY

Don't worry.  They'll be here.

That was dropped and the scene starts with the girls' entrance.  But otherwise, Scene E is intact.  It ends Act One, so Scene H opens Act Two.  We're still in the bus station, "half hour later."  They left out Shirley's opening line, "Would you quit pacing?  They've only been in there a half an hour."  Incidentally, the spelling this time is "vo-de-o-do."  This was omitted after Laverne knocks on the men's room door and asks, "You ready for our date?"

THE DOOR OPENS AND A DIRTY BUM COMES OUT.

BUM

Sure, where are we going?

SHIRLEY

Sorry, we thought you were someone else.

BUM

Maybe I am.  I'll go check.

THE BUM STAGGERS OFF.

SHIRLEY

Why didn't you ask him if they were in there?

LAVERNE

He didn't know he was in there.

LAVERNE PUSHES THE DOOR OPEN.  MAKES A FACE AND GETS TEARS FROM ODOR

LAVERNE

Oh my, makes my eyes burn.

SHIRLEY

Don't stand there with the door open.  It doesn't look good.

LAVERNE

Cover me.

LAVERNE RUNS IN.  SHE COMES BACK OUT IMMEDIATELY.

SHIRLEY

You see anyone?

LAVERNE

No.

SHIRLEY

Did you look for feet?

LAVERNE

What'd you think I looked for?

Thoughts:

• The only thought I have on Scene E is that it's better to start with Our Girls than with their finky dates.
• We'll see the bum in the next scene, and it's interesting that he did originally get lines, especially since he's played by frequent guest star Peter Elbling.
• I can definitely see why they cut back on the men's room stuff, but I can sort of see Laverne daring to investigate.
• "What'd you think I looked for?" may not be a suggestive line, but I'm going to take it as such.

"Bus Stop," Scenes A through D

On January 10, 1978, six weeks before "Bus Stop" aired, its Revised Shooting Script was submitted.  There probably won't be any major changes, but let's find out.

We start in the "girls' apartment - day."  Scene A is very faithful, just with little touches, like Squiggy saying hello when Edna says hello into the phone. 

Scene B takes us to "Ext. Milwaukee Street - afternoon."  Again, I can't really see much difference from what aired, just Shirley saying her preference for Kennedy over Nixon is "a lot more political than sweaty lips," rather than, as on air, how they pronounce "Cuber."

So moving on to Scene C, and back to the girls' apartment with continuous action.  In the script, Edna says both girls look pretty on TV, while in the script Frank says it of just Laverne.  Here's the little bit chopped off, after Squiggy says Nixon reminds him of his dad:

EDNA, FRANK AND CARMINE LEAVE.  LENNY AND SQUIGGY START TO WATCH TV.

SQUIGGY

The Little Rascals.

LENNY

Shh!  It's a silent one.

The next scene is also in the girls' apartment during the day, but possibly a different day.  They added Shirley saying she believes Wanda Hoffman's pregnant-from-the-pool story, and Laverne a bit later saying that her goggles let her see men's legs underwater.

This is what was omitted after Shirley tells Laverne about their double date in Oshkosh with the medical students:

SHIRLEY GETS UP AND LEAVES WINDOW IN DIRECTION OF GIRLS' FRONT DOOR.  LAVERNE BEGINS TALKING TO SHIRLEY.  SHE FACES THEIR APARTMENT'S WALLS, WALKING ALONG TALKING IN THE DIRECTION SHE THINKS SHIRLEY HAS REACHED OUTSIDE.

LAVERNE

Hey that's great, Shirl.  I knew they liked us.  How we gettin' there?  The car's busted.  What the heck, we'll hitchhike up.

SHIRLEY ENTERS.

SHIRLEY

No hitchhiking.  They're going to meet us at the bus station in Oshkosh and then they'll drive us home later.  Forget the pool, we got a bus to catch.

LAVERNE

Oh, boy, makin' out with a medical student.  Shirl, do you know how good those guys know the human body?

SHIRLEY

Forget making out.  These guys are going to be doctors.  That's the kind of catch we've always dreamed of.  Now we have to show them that we're ladies.  I want them to respect us.

LAVERNE

Can't they respect us if we make out?

SHIRLEY

No.

SHIRLEY HEADS FOR THE BEDROOM.

LAVERNE

If you make out real good, they'll respect you.

AS LAVERNE FOLLOWS SHIRLEY TO THE BEDROOM, WE:

DISSOLVE TO [Scene E]:

Thoughts:

• I don't have much to say about the first three scenes, although the Little Rascals thing is cute.
• It is of course Shirley's dream, not Laverne's, to date a medical student, but Laverne quickly sees the advantage, re anatomy.
• We get a clear statement of Shirley's reasons for staying pure to win the heart of a future doctor.
• Laverne's question, "Can't they respect us if we make out?" shows her frustration with the double standard of their time, while her "If you make out real good, they'll respect you" is very characteristic as well.
• Onscreen, there's a little transition of the girls' voiceover for the bus ride, which replaces this exchange.

"Hi, Neighbors - Book II," Scene H

It's back to the "girls' apt - later that night."  Here is the tag in its entirety:

THE FOURSOME IS COMING THROUGH THE DOOR. 

LENNY

(FINISHING A STORY) So, I look up, and sure enough my pants were on the ceiling.

THEY ALL LAUGH.  LAVERNE AND SHIRLEY TAKE THEIR COATS OFF, THROW THEM ON THE BOOKCASE, CROSS TO THE COUCH, AND SIT DOWN.  LENNY AND SQUIGGY REMAIN ON THE LANDING.  THERE'S A MOMENT OF SILENCE.

SHIRLEY

Don't just stand there.  C'mon in.

SQUIGGY

You mean you want us to come in?

LAVERNE

Sure.  Come over here and sit down.

SQUIGGY

What's the catch?

LAVERNE

There is no catch.  Whenever we have dates we like, we always invite them in.

THE BOYS CROSS TO THE COUCH AND STAND NEAR IT.

LENNY

You really had a good time?

LAVERNE

Yeah.  It was kinda fun in its own way.

SHIRLEY

If it wasn't for you guys, we might never have gotten to La Fondue.

LENNY

We only take our most favorite girls to places like that.

SHIRLEY

That's so sweet.

LAVERNE

You know it's funny.  Here we've known each other all these years -- and this is the first time we've been anywhere together voluntarily.

SQUIGGY

Since we all had such a good time, we should do this again next week.

SHIRLEY

That sounds nice.  But next time, I won't order lobster.

SQUIGGY

I'm not talkin' about La Fondue.  I'm talkin' about the Godzilla Film Festival!

LENNY

Yeah.  Eighteen straight hours of monsters in Tohoscope.

LAVERNE

Maybe we shouldn't rush into this, fellas.  You'll spoil us with all this attention.

LENNY

Yeah.  Maybe you're right.

SQUIGGY

We gotta play the field.  (TURNING TO LENNY) C'mon, Len, let's get movin' I gotta get outa this monkey suit  (BACK TO GIRLS) Me and Lenny are officially endin' this date.

THEY TURN TO LEAVE.  LAVERNE AND SHIRLEY LOOK AT EACH OTHER FOR A BEAT.  THEY RISE AND CROSS TO THE BOYS.

SHIRLEY

Hey, guys, haven't you forgotten something?

LENNY

Oh, no.  You girls been too nice for just to try to get somethin' off ya.

LAVERNE AND SHIRLEY CROSS TO THE GUYS AND KISS THEM.

Thoughts:

• The only parts that made it in were the Godzilla festival and bits of dialogue, like Lenny's line about not trying to get anything off the girls.
• You know you want more of Lenny's "pants on ceiling" story.
• Onscreen, the scene begins with the friendly ease of the foursome on the couch, rather than the boys being surprisingly hesitant as in this version.
• As with Squiggy being reluctant to go on the double date, the girls have to coax him, and now Lenny.  They seem sincere about the boys being "dates they like."
• And, oh, my heart, when Lenny calls them their "most favorite girls"!
• Laverne acknowledges that this is the first time they've gone anywhere voluntarily with the boys.  Eventually, that will not be unusual.
• Onscreen, the girls definitely don't consider going out with the boys again, while here they're tempted, until Godzilla rears his ugly head.
• Onscreen, the boys wouldn't be so quick to leave.  And the girls would be more hesitant to kiss them.
• We don't know how any of them would react to the kiss in this version.  But it is interesting that here, the girls have to woo the boys more, a very different dynamic.  I think the final product is better, but there's a charm and fascination to this Frankenstein of a script.

"Hi, Neighbors - Book II," Scene E

We're at the "restaurant - about 1/2 hour later":

LAVERNE, SHIRLEY, LENNY AND SQUIGGY ARE SEATED AT THE TABLE FINISHING DESSERT.

LENNY

Chocolate moose!  What a big lie!  There was no moose in my chocolate - How 'bout you, Squig?

SQUIGGY

What's a matter with you - they grind the moose in - If they left it in whole you'd be chokin' on an antler.

LENNY

He's a genius - ahead of his time.

LAVERNE

I hope there was no ground-up Napoleon in my napoleon.

WAITER PRESENTS CHECK.

SQUIGGY

Thank you, my good garcon!

HE LOOKS AT CHECK.  SQUIGGY STARTS TO LAUGH.  HE SHOWS IT AROUND TABLE.  THEY ALL LAUGH.

SQUIGGY (CONT'D)

(TO WAITER) Great gag...Now let's see the real check.

WAITER

This is the real check.

LAVERNE

Do you accept clothes?

WAITER SHAKES HEAD "NO".

LENNY

Don't worry about it - we told you girls we'd show you a good time.

SQUIGGY

Yeah.  (HE STARTS ITEMIZING) Alright.  Who had the extra Pepsi?

SHIRLEY

I did.

SQUIGGY

(AS HE DOLES OUT MONEY) Well, you girls sure stuffed yourselves.

LENNY

"Hog" elolas!

SQUIGGY

But we're sports!  (PAYING THE WAITER) And keep the change.

WAITER

43¢.  (AD LIBS IN FRENCH)

LAVERNE

What does that mean?

WAITER

I won't spend it all in one place.

WAITER TAKES MONEY AND EXITS.  THEY START GATHERING THEIR STUFF TO LEAVE.

LAVERNE

Did you save some change to get our coats?

SQUIGGY

Yeah, yeah.  I got a nickle [sic].

LAVERNE

A nickle?

LENNY
They don't respect you if you over tip.

SQUIGGY HAS FROZEN.  HE SEES BARBARA HUMMEL AND FRIENDS WITH MAITRE D'.  HE IS FURIOUS.

Onscreen, the only part that made it in is the Pepsi (which of course Laverne ordered instead of Shirley) and the undertipping.  The classic "tiny Claude" part did not yet exist in this draft.  Laverne wants butter, so Shirley suggests Squiggy get some from the other table, and then he sees Barbara, making him hide and pay "under the table."

This was all dropped:

LENNY

That was supposed to be my date?  Boy did I luck out!  Even Laverne's better than that.

LAVERNE

Even Laverne!?

LENNY

You know what I mean.

SQUIGGY

She's comin' over here.  I'm gonna kill her.  Gimme those tools, Lenny.

SHIRLEY

Relax.

SQUIGGY

Let me at her.

THE THREE GET SQUIGGY INTO A CHAIR AND ALL SIT AT TABLE.

SHIRLEY

Now just relax.

SQUIGGY

How can I relax?  She's made a fool of me.

LENNY

(LOOKING OVER) Boy, her date is real good lookin'.  Even better than Squig.

LAVERNE

Will you stop it.

SQUIGGY

How good is he gonna look without a face.

LENNY

He's givin' her a little peck on the cheek.

LAVERNE

Lenny will you stop!  Do you want Squiggy to tear her apart?

LENNY

Yeah!

SQUIGGY STARTS TO RISE.  SHIRLEY PULLS HIM DOWN.

SHIRLEY

Squiggy!  May I speak to you as your date.

SQUIGGY

Substitute date.

SHIRLEY
Substitute date.  Squiggy, you've been a gentleman all evening.  And all evening I've had this feeling that... that... within you (SHE STARES AT HIM) ...nothing, forget it.

SQUIGGY

Forget nothing.  I got somethin' within me, I want to know about it.

SHIRLEY

Inside you I think there's another Squiggy.

SQUIGGY

Another one?  Can he be removed?

SHIRLEY

No, no, Squiggy.  You want that.  Inside you there's a mature grown-up Squiggy.

LENNY LAUGHS.  LAVERNE ELBOWS HIM.

SQUIGGY

Come on.

SHIRLEY

Everyone has different sides that they don't always show.

SQUIGGY

You mean there's a crummy Shirley inside of you?

SHIRLEY

Not necessarily.  The point is, you shouldn't be afraid to show your mature side.  You're too good for Barbara Hummell. [Sometimes Barbara has one L in her last name, sometimes two.]

LENNY

He is?

LAVERNE

That's right.  He wouldn't stand anyone up.

SQUIGGY

Yeah.  I go out with anything.

SHIRLEY

That's right!  And you're going to show that scuz how much class you've got.  We're leaving without bloodshed or a food fight.  Stand up and walk tall.

THEY ALL STAND EXCEPT SQUIGGY.  THERE IS A BEAT.

SHIRLEY (CONT'D)

Come on, Squiggy.  Stand up.

ANOTHER BEAT THEN SQUIGGY STANDS.

That was all streamlined, so we got just a bit of Shirley's talk to Squiggy, and Lenny immediately wants Squiggy to "rip Barbara to shreds."  The first part of the four friends starting to head out, including the "so witty" and "so... tall" compliments, made it on air.

Onscreen, Barbara would deny knowing Squiggy, but here's how it went in the script:

BARBARA

Having a better time than I could ever have with you.

LAVERNE

I don't see how that's possible.

SHIRLEY

Andrew is the sexiest, most charming, intellectually stimulating man I've ever met.

BARBARA

Squiggy?  You're talking about a creep who works on a loading dock.

LAVERNE

That's better than a bimbo who works on a street corner.

BARBARA

What does that mean?

GIRLS START TO SQUARE OFF AS SHIRLEY SECRETLY TUCKS A PIECE OF THE TABLE CLOTH IN HER PURSE.

SQUIGGY

Ladies, please, show a little class.

HE STEPS BETWEEN THEM.  THEY CALM DOWN.

SQUIGGY (CONT'D)

Barbara, I understand.  If I'm not your type , that's the way the cookie crumbles.

THEY ALL WALK AWAY WITH SHIRLEY'S PURSE PULLING THE TABLE CLOTH, KNOCKING DRINKS OVER.  THE COUPLES AT TABLE REACT.

SHIRLEY

(FALSE SINCERITY) Oh!  So very sorry.  My purse catches on everything!  Shall we go Andrew?

THEY EXIT.

Onscreen, they only kept the thing about Barbara's type, and Squiggy's line about the cookie was improved to it bouncing.

Again, many, many thoughts:

• There's definitely more about food in this version.
• Of course Lenny thinks Squiggy is a genius.
• If the prices were the only thing on the menu in English (true in both versions), the check shouldn't seem like a gag.
• The boys don't kick up as much of a fuss about what the girls eat (and Shirley probably doesn't eat much) onscreen.
• While earlier, Squiggy was more depressed in the script, as soon as he sees Barbara, he becomes angrier.
• I was under the impression earlier that Lenny had met Delores, but not according to this scene.
• I'm glad they eliminated Lenny insulting Laverne and instead included some sweet moments between them like the (not in this version) "big dope" and him blowing on her "Indian burn."
• I do like Lenny being impressed that Barbara's date looks even better than Squiggy.
• I'm intrigued.  Does Shirley actually sense there's another side to Squiggy, or is she just placating him?  And then later she gives him a lot more compliments than she would onscreen.
• There definitely is another side to Shirley, not "crummy," but less ladylike, as we see with her planning to pull the tablecloth, rather than it being a spontaneous act by Squiggy.
• OK, I want that "I go out with anything" line.
• This is a good time to mention that on the cast list, Barbara, Delores, and their dates are "Silent" roles.  But that cast list must be from an earlier version.  I don't think the scene needs Delores and her date, so it's just as well they were dropped.
• Laverne and Barbara really get into it here, Laverne basically calling Barbara a streetwalker!  Onscreen, Barbara would instead insult Laverne and Shirley, with a great reaction from the Core Four.
• We continue to see McKean and Lander circling in on what would work and what wouldn't, but, yes, I like some of what we lost.

"Hi, Neighbors - Book II," Scene D

We're still at La Fondue, "twenty minutes later."  The dialogue begins with the part where Laverne tells Lenny to not just grab food, through her getting tangled in the Wine Steward's salver on a chain, and Laverne winding up with "an Indian burn."  (Onscreen, this comes later and it's with the waiter.) Shirley, as onscreen, in the script suggests "slapping a little butter on it," but they haven't been served quite yet:

ANOTHER WAITER WHEELS THEIR FOOD IN AND BEGINS SETTING PLATES DOWN.  SHIRLEY AND SQUIGGY HAVE LOBSTER.  LAVERNE HAS EGGS AND BRAINS, AND LENNY HAS LAMB CHOPS.

The part about the lobster being killed for Shirley comes here.  But instead of Squiggy suggesting that Shirley "suck on a wing," he says, "I'm too depressed to eat," picks up a claw, and adds, "Maybe I'll just suck on the wing."  And then there's this dropped dialogue:

SHIRLEY

(CLOSE TO TEARS) Squiggy, it was just alive.

SQUIGGY

You gotta eat 'em when they're freshly dead.

SHIRLEY
But why couldn't I have one that died of old age?

SQUIGGY PROCEEDS TO TRY TO GET THE LOBSTER OUT OF ITS SHELL.  IT'S A REAL STRUGGLE.

LAVERNE

Boy, these oofs are great.  What's this good stuff on the side?

WAITER

Cerveres, m'selli.

LAVERNE

What's that?

WAITER

Cow brains.

LAVERNE REACTS.  THE WAITER EXITS.

Then the part where Lenny likes the crepe paper with his chops comes here, followed by the "What am I gonna do with a brain?" bit, and then Lenny's pocket tools, although there's no mention of his shop teacher.  The scene ends with Squiggy telling Lenny, "Give me that," and then he snatches away the small plastic case with Lenny's tools and begins to "cut at food with wrench and saw."  He remarks, "Perfect.  One thing about having a broken heart.  It sure gives you an appetite."

My main thought is that the basic ingredients are here, just waiting to be mixed, with some seasoning like Squiggy's "bib" remark.  And Squiggy is getting reconciled to his heartbreak and depression.

"Hi, Neighbors - Book II," Scene C

We go to "La Fondue - later that evening":

THIS IS AN ELEGANT FRENCH RESTAURANT.  THERE ARE ABOUT SEVEN TABLES, NICELY SET.  STAGE RIGHT THERE IS AN ENTRANCEWAY/FOYER.  LENNY, SQUIGGY, LAVERNE AND SHIRLEY ENTER IMMEDIATELY.  THEY STAND IN THE ENTRANCEWAY SURVEYING THE PLACE.

LAVERNE

Shirl, would you look at this place?

A WAITER PASSES WITH TRAY AND LIGHTED CHAFING DISH.

LAVERNE (CONT'D)

No wonder it's so expensive.  The waiters carry their own stoves.

SHIRLEY

Well, this is only the beginning, Laverne.  Someday we'll be eating in places like this every night of the week.  We belong here!  Where are the boys?

LAVERNE

Maybe they're showin' the parking attendant how to drive the truck.

LENNY ENTERS, ALONE.

SHIRLEY

Park the truck all right.

SQUIGGY

Yeah -- but the parking attendant had blonde hair.  He looked just like Barbara.

THE MAITRE D' APPROACHES THE FOUR OF THEM.  HE LOOKS THE BOYS UP AND DOWN.

Most of the part with the maitre d' made it in, but after they're seated onscreen, so there he says that it's customary to be wait to be seated, prompting Lenny to say, "There wasn't any line, Bub."  In the script, the maitre d' checks his list and then Lenny bribes him with a quarter.

Squiggy "ad libs wine looks like Barbara," as he does onscreen, before they sit down.  The thing of Squiggy scoffing at Lenny's manners, and the interaction between Shirley and Squiggy is all in the script.

Instead of the "little hat" napkins already being there, this is how it goes in the script:

SHIRLEY

Oh look, isn't that sweet?  He put the napkin on my lap.

SQUIGGY

Watch your hands, Frenchy.

WAITER STARTS TO PUT NAPKIN ON LAVERNE.

LENNY

I'll do that -- she's my date.

LAVERNE

He didn't do nothing.

LENNY

(PUNCHING SQUIGGY) Here we are, Squig.  This is it, La Fondue.

SQUIGGY

(DEJECTED) Yeah, it's beautiful, all right.  If only I could show it to the woman I love.

SHIRLEY

Would you stop wallowing?  We're here to have fun. Let's order.

After Laverne reacts to the prices and Squiggy tells her not to sweat and just order up, here's how things went in the script:

SHIRLEY

I'm going to be adventurous.

LENNY

Eeeyoo.  Smoked eels.

SQUIGGY

That's disgusting.

SHIRLEY

You shouldn't make fun of food from foreign lands.  In France they probably laugh at hot dogs.

LENNY LAUGHS.  THE WAITER ARRIVES.

LAVERNE

They gotta lotta different kinds of offs [sic] here.  See all the oofs?

WAITER CLEARS HIS THROAT.

WAITER

Those are eggs, mademoiselle.

LENNY

Okay, pal, let's see you explain this here, where it says "poisons."

SQUIGGY

Maybe I should have that.

The next two lines seem to have been literally taped in, judging from the look on this photocopied script.  Also "REV. 2/1/77" is in the upper right corner of this page:

SHIRLEY

(INTIMATELY) May I call you Garcon?

WAITER

Mais, certainment.

SHIRLEY

I'll have the Etienne L'ecureul.

WAITER

Pardon, but you have just ordered the chef.  (AD LIB, MAKING FUN OF SHIRLEY)

ALL BREAK UP BUT SHIRLEY.

In the script, it's Squiggy rather than Shirley who asks how to say "meatloaf" in French and is told, "You don't."  The filmed scene ends with the four friends trying to pronounce that correctly.  Here's what got dropped from the rest of the written scene:

WAITER

You don't.  I recommend for you and the young lady the lobster deluxe?  It serves two.

SHIRLEY

That was going to be my second choice.

SQUIGGY

Sure, I'll split one with ya.

WIATER

Fine.  (TO LAVERNE) Mademoiselle?

LAVERNE

I'll have a couple of these oof guys, over easy.  With the little minute cervelles?

WAITER

(WRITES) Cervelles aux ouefs.  (TO LENNY) M'sieu?

LENNY

Got any French fries?

WAITER

No.

LENNY

French toast?

WAITER

No.

LENNY

What do you got that's French.

WAITER

(AT A LOSS) Uh... lamb chops?

LENNY

Great.

WAITER

The wine list, m'sieu.

SQUIGGY

Oh, thanks.

HE MULLS IT OVER.

LAVERNE

Why don't you let us have a look.  I know a couple of good ones.

SQUIGGY

(HOLDS CARD AWAY FROM HER) Uh-uh, this is man's work.

SHIRLEY GRABS CARD.

SHIRLEY

Andrew, Laverne's afraid that you might have difficulty with the French pronunciation.

LAVERNE

(SHE REGARDS THE LIST FOR A BEAT)  We'll have a bottle of the number eleven.

WAITER

Bon.  Merci.

Thoughts:

• More crazy blocking, maybe due to script revision.  Everyone enters "immediately," and then Lenny and, after a bit, Squiggy come in.
• It's in character for Shirley to say that someday they'll have fine dining nightly.
• Lenny gets the "Watch the hands, Frenchy" line onscreen, later, of course in regards to Laverne.
• I do like the thing of the boys celebrating being at La Fondue, in a different way than the girls celebrate.
• This Squiggy is definitely wallowing more than the Squiggy onscreen.  And he's so dejected, he wants to take "poisons"!
• Lenny is disgusted by the smoked eels before he sees them on the menu, another sign that the editing was haphazard at this stage.
• Shirley, we laugh at hot dogs in America.  Hot dogs are funny.
• "Intimately" feels like an odd adverb for Shirley talking to the waiter, like the inappropriate "mortified" in the previous scene.
• This waiter isn't as funny as the later version, but I do like the "ordered the chef" line.
• Onscreen, we'd just see S & S with the lobster, with no explanation of how they ordered it.
• Lenny is unclear on what "French" food is, a childlike mistake.
• This Squiggy is more gratuitously sexist.
• Laverne can't even pronounce "ouefs" correctly, but, sure, Shirl, let her try to pronounce the wine list.
• Obviously, this scene needed more work, but the potential is certainly there, and at least there's not a long odd sequence like the sheet-sewing.

"Hi, Neighbors - Book II," Scene B

We go to the "Girls' Apartment - Night."  The scene starts out like what we'd see onscreen, with Mrs. Babish borrowing hairspray.  However, onscreen she used the last of hers on a masher, who will "never reach for his raincoat again," while in the script she used it on a roach and "lacquered him to death."

Onscreen, Laverne tells Edna not to take too good care of Frank because "he's still a person's father," while in the script it was because Laverne's "too old for a baby brother."

After Shirley says Frank and Edna make a cute couple, Laverne wonders why everyone else has a date and they're stuck cleaning.  And she has her encounter with the vacuum.  Here is the tangent we lost from this version:

THE LAVERNE AND SHIRLEY WOMEN ARE SITTING ON THE COUCH, TRYING TO SEW THE TORN SHEET BACK TOGETHER AGAIN.  [There is no previous mention of a torn sheet.]

LAVERNE

This sheet is never gonna be the same.  Let's try throwing it out.

SHIRLEY

No.  This sheet was given to me by my first boyfriends' [sic] mother.

LAVERNE

Think she was trying to tell you something there, Shirl?

SHIRLEY

And just what is that supposed to mean?

LAVERNE

All right, forget it.

THEY SEW FOR A BEAT.  AD LIB NEEDLE AND THREAD.

LAVERNE (CONT'D)

Are the guys going to drop by and show us the tuxes?

SHIRLEY

I certainly hope so.  I'd like to see them dressed up in their tuxedos.

SHIRLEY SMILES AT A PRIVATE THOUGHT.

LAVERNE

What's funny?

SHIRLEY

Nothing.

LAVERNE

What's so funny?  Don't just sit there and laugh to yourself.

SHIRLEY
I was just thinking about the senior prom.

LAVERNE

Why did I ask.

SHIRLEY

The way Steve Billback looked when he came to pick me up.  Steve stood before me, a symphony in cloth and patent leather.

LAVERNE

He was cute.

SHIRLEY

He was perfect.

LAVERNE

Couldn't talk.

SHIRLEY

(FROSTILY) He spoke well of you.

LAVERNE    

He talks well of me?

SHIRLEY

(BACK TO PROM) I'll never forget the way he looked.  He wore a pearl-gray dinner jacket, sporty bow-tie....

LAVERNE

What'd he say?

SHIRLEY

... pleated trousers, black pumps, and dark socks.

LAVERNE

What'd he say about me?  Did he like me?

SHIRLEY

Yes he liked you.  There he stood, tall...

LAVERNE

... and lean.

SHIRLEY

... sporting a jaunty grin...

LAVERNE

Nice teeth.

SHIRLEY

And smoking a cumerbund [sic].

LAVERNE

How come he don't call no more?

SHIRLEY

His mother drove me crazy.  She kept giving me sheets.

LAVERNE

Oh, well, can I have half of this to keep?  I didn't know he liked me.

Onscreen, the boys would enter together, and Lenny would say, "Well, Girls, this is what we'd look like if we was handsome."  That's not exactly what happens in the script:

LENNY ENTERS, WEARING A RAINBOW-FLAKE TUX JACKET.  HE IS UPSET.

LENNY

Here you go, ladies.  This is what I'd look like if I was handsome.

SHIRLEY

(STAGGERED) Oh look at this -- It's ... very... (TO LAVERNE) what's the word?

LAVERNE

You want a clean one?

LENNY

Take a good look, 'cause it's going right back to the shop.

SHIRLEY

What?

LENNY

Yeah.  Squiggy called Barbara to let her know we was on our way.  And they both cancelled out on us.

LAVERNE

Aww... are you real upset, Len?

LENNY

Not for me.  I hardly even know Delores.  But Squiggy was really gone on this Barbara Hummell.  He thought she was the greatest thing since cheese.

SHIRLEY

Don't sit on that.

LAVERNE

Not on the sheet.

SHIRLEY

Is he all right?

LENNY

He calmed down a little after he threw the phone down the incinerator.

THERE IS A KNOCK AT THE DOOR.

LAVERNE

Who is it?

SQUIGGY (O.S.)

(FORLORNLY) Nobody.

LAVERNE

Come on in.

THE DOOR OPENS.  SQUIGGY ENTERS.

LAVERNE (CONT'D)

You look real nice.

HE IS DRESSED IN A MORNING COAT AND TAILS, STRIPED TROUSERS, AND SNEAKERS.  HE IS CARRYING A MEAGER BUNCH OF FLOWERS.  HIS HEAD IS HUNG LOW, AND THERE ARE TEARS IN HIS EYES.  HE WALKS SLOWLY AND FORLORNLY TOWARD HIS FRIENDS, WHO ARE STARING AT HIM, MORTIFIED TO SEE SQUIGGY IN SUCH CONDITION.  HE COMES UP TO THE GIRLS WITH THE BUNCH OF FLOWERS.

SQUIGGY

(HANDING FLOWERS TO SHIRLEY) I want you girls to have these flowers while they still smell.

SHIRLEY LEADS HIM TO COUCH.

SHIRLEY

Come on, sit down.  You'll feel better.

SQUIGGY

It couldn't hurt.

HE SITS ON SCISSORS.

SQUIGGY (CONT'D)

Ow.  (TO LEN) That's s right, add injury to insult.

SHIRLEY

(TAKES SCISSORS) Give those to me.  They're dangerous.  Don't be upset, Squiggy.  I'm sure Barbara has a perfectly good reason for cancelling your date.

LAVERNE

Yeah I'm sure.

SQUIGGY

She told me that her and Delores were going to give each other shampoos.

SHIRLEY
Why, that's the stupidest reason I ever heard of.

HE SNIFFLES AGAIN.

LAVERNE

Hey, look.  Forget Barbara.

SQUIGGY

Barbara.

LAVERNE

There are probably plenty of women who are just dyin' to go out with you.  (DOES "LIE" TAKE)

SQUIGGY

I know that.  But I want Barbara.  This was the real thing... marriage... kids... I always felt a duty to spread my genes around.

SHIRLEY

(GETTING UP, TRYING TO CHEER UP SQUIGGY) C'mon, everybody.  Cheer up.  It's Friday night.  We should be havin' fun.  Why don't we go down to the Pizza Bowl.  We'll bowl a few games, have a coupla beers.  It's be fun.  Come on.  Come on.  Come on.

NO ONE IS RESPONDING TO HER PEP TALK.

SQUIGGY

I was lookin' forward to the La Fondue.  I hear they got a waterfall in the men's room.

LAVERNE

There'll be other waterfalls.

LENNY

Can I talk to you two in private for a second?

LENNY, SHIRLEY AND LAVERNE MOVE AWAY FROM SQUIGGY.

LENNY (CONT'D)

Look at that guy -- his heart is breaking.  All dressed up and no place to go.

LAVERNE

What could we do?

LENNY

Well, you could come along to the La Fondue with us.

SHIRLEY

Well, I'm tired.

LAVERNE

We got a sheet to fix.

LENNY

Sure, what'd you do -- run outta shampoo?

LAVERNE

Wait a second.  Let's talk about this.

SHE AND SHIRLEY MOVE BEHIND THE COUCH.  LAVERNE TRIES TO CONVINCE SHIRLEY TO GO.  AD LIB.

SHIRLEY

Let me think about it.

SHIRLEY MOVES OVER BY SQUIGGY AND LOOKS AT HIM. THEN SHE WALKS BACK TO LAVERNE AND LAVERNE AND SHIRLEY WALK BACK TO LENNY.

LAVERNE

Okay, we got nohin' better to do.

LENNY GOES BACK TO SQUIGGY ON COUCH.

LENNY

Guess what?  We got dates.

SQUIGGY

Barbara?

LENNY

No no no.  Look.

SQUIGGY

Laverne and Shirley?

LENNY

Yeah.

SQUIGGY

Nah.  You take 'em, Len. I'm gonna go upstairs by myself.  And maybe knit a rug.

GIRLS LOOK AT EACH OTHER AND BOTH START FOR SQUIGGY.

LAVERNE

Aw, come on, Squiggy.

SHIRLEY

Come on, come on... you're the main reason we want to go.

SQUIGGY

Yeah, sure.  Me and what army.

SHIRLEY PUTS HER ARM AROUND HIM.

SHIRLEY

Please.

SQUIGGY

Oh, okay.  Too many hearts have already been broken.  If they wanna go so bad, we'll take 'em.

LENNY

Terrific.  We'll come down for you in half an hour.

SQUIGGY

And try to look as good as us.

AS LENNY AND SQUIGGY EXIT.  [Yes, a random period rather than a comma, despite the "as."]  THE GIRLS AD LIB, "IT'LL BE FUN?"

SHIRLEY

Do you realize we just begged Squiggy to take us out?

LAVERNE

And he almost turned us down.

THEY START OUT.

LAVERNE (CONT'D)

Makes your stomach churn.

SHIRLEY

Sad.

LAVERNE

What're you gonna wear?

SHIRLEY

My blue dress.

LAVERNE

Good choice.

THEY EXIT TO BEDROOM.

Many, many thoughts:

• If you were curious, yes, it looks like the Fredna ship was launched by McKean & Lander, and pretty early on in the writing process.
• That "baby brother" line, oh my!
• I adore "the Laverne and Shirley women" phrasing!
• Seriously, I have no idea why the sheet is torn, and it never is explained.  I have reasons for thinking that this draft is a hybrid with some stuff carried over and not smoothed out.  I'll supply evidence as we go along.
• Unless Shirley was dating brothers in succession or simultaneously, that is a mistaken plural possessive of "boyfriend."
• I'm as puzzled as Shirley by whatever the heck Laverne is implying about sheets.
• Honest to gosh, what does "ad lib needle and thread" even mean?  Couldn't they just say "They sew"?  Why are the stage directions so weird in this scene?
• The exchange about the boys showing their tuxedos off is awkward as eff.  Laverne was right there when the four of them were talking about tuxes, and then Shirley's reply sounds like this is some language-learning conversation, like "Where is the airport?  The airport's location is near."
• Shirley is not laughing.  She is having a private thought about how attractive Steve Billback looked on prom night.
• OK, so Steve is Shirley's first boyfriend (or second after his brother) and took her to their senior prom.  But what about her dating Carmine all through high school?  
• So Laverne wants to keep the sheet as a memento of Shirley's first (or second) boyfriend simply because he maybe liked her?
• Tall and lean, yeah, pretty much Laverne's type (well, one of them), although I didn't know she cared about teeth.
• Lenny is upset but still boasts about almost looking handsome.
• I really want to see him in a "rainbow-flake tux jacket," and Squiggy in the outfit described a bit later, not that I don't love their look in the filmed version.  But I want both versions.
• It of course works better to see Squiggy rejected onscreen, where he doesn't become forlorn, more angry.  Here he's so upset, he actually knocks!
• I don't think "mortified" is the right word.  Squiggy's friends shouldn't be embarrassed, ashamed, or humiliated.  Shocked, maybe.
• Oh, sure, they'll let Squiggy sit on the sheet but not Lenny.  And why is Squiggy blaming Lenny when he sits on the scissors?
• The "shampoo" excuse would make it in.
• What exactly is a "lie" take?  I mean, how would Penny convey I just lied to Squiggy exactly?
• Squiggy spreading his genes, oh my!
• The waterfall does sound awesome.
• So, onscreen, Laverne tells off Barbara and claims that she and Shirley will go out with the boys, and Lenny takes her seriously.  Squiggy still wants Barbara but agrees to go.  Here, Lenny guilts the girls into going to La Fondue, and they have to beg Squiggy to go, to their later disbelief, especially since he's very reluctant.
• OK, let me see if I've got this blocking right.  Lenny leads the girls away from where Squiggy is sitting on the couch.  Then Laverne leads Shirley behind the couch to talk privately, and it's not like Squiggy is reading a comic book and can't hear them.  Next Shirley walks over to Squiggy, I guess around the couch.  "Then she walks back to Laverne and Laverne and Shirley walk back to Lenny."  And lastly "Lenny goes back to Squiggy on the couch."  What sitcom director would stand for this nonsense?
• This Squiggy is really wallowing in self-pity.
• Onscreen, Lenny would give the girls only twenty minutes to get ready, rather than thirty, and he's the one there who wants them to try to look as good as them.
• Onscreen, the girls take a solemn vow to never tell anyone they went out with Lenny and Squiggy, while they become reconciled to the date by the end of the written scene, even discussing what to wear.  (Shirley would indeed wear blue, sort of a pale turquoise.)
• This ends Act One.  Act Two will have more surprises and nonsense....

"Hi, Neighbors - Book II," Scene A

On February 1, 1977, a short month before "Hi, Neighbors - Book II" aired, Lander & McKean submitted the 2nd. Rev. Final Draft.  There were still a lot of changes to be made, so let's get started....

(Note that on the page for Act One, Scene A, it's singular "Hi, Neighbor, Book II," which I think came up with the first HN.  But it is plural on the title page, so I'm going with that.)

Onscreen we get a voiceover of the girls talking about having no dates as they leave work, but in the script we go straight to "LENNY AND SQUIGGY'S APT - FRIDAY EVENING."  The description of the apartment and Squiggy's entrance carried over, although in the script the boys have only two "mismatched dinette chairs" rather than three.

The dialogue in the first three pages is surprisingly faithful, although we lost Squiggy observing, "And don't forget, Lenny, I'm your best friend, so you owe me plenty," to which Lenny replied, "That's true."

In the script, it's Squiggy rather than Lenny who suggests Lenny's shirt needs ironing, so then Lenny said, "Where's the rolling pin?"  Squiggy replied, "Don't be stupid.  That's women's work.  If you need something ironed, I'll get the girls up here."  Onscreen, he would want the girls as fashion advisers.

Another change from script to screen is, before Lenny exits to the bathroom, script-Squiggy yells down the dumbwaiter, "Shirley!  Laverne!  Come up here!  Lenny's bleedin' to death!"  So Lenny is around to say, "Boy, are they gonna be disappointed."  And here's how it went when the girls enter in a "a state of panic":

LAVERNE

Where's the blood?

SHIRLEY

Tourniquets!  T...!

LAVERNE

Where is he?  Is he alive?

SQUIGGY

Who?

SHIRLEY

Lenny!

LENNY (O.S.)

What?

SHIRLEY

He's breathing.

The girls are less diplomatic in the script than onscreen when Squiggy asks what they think of the outfit he's planning to wear for the big date:

LAVERNE

I hope love is blind.

SQUIGGY

What is that supposed to mean?

LAVERNE

Uh uh uh.

SHIRLEY

What Laverne is trying to say is that your wardrobe is really sad....

The filmed scene ends with Laverne telling Squiggy that he's slight and Lenny is irregular, but here's how it goes in the script:

LENNY

That's great.  (TO SQUIGGY) You're slight and I'm irregular.

LAVERNE

Well, don't just stand there.  Go on.  Go on.

SHIRLEY

Yes, run down and pick up your tuxedos.

LENNY

I'll go down and warm up the truck.  (HE EXITS)

SQUIGGY

Shirl, if I didn't like you so much, I'd kiss you.  (HE EXITS)

SHIRLEY

That's the nicest thing Squiggy ever said to me.

LAVERNE AND SHIRLEY EXIT, AD LIBBING.

Thoughts:

• The thing about Lenny "owing" Squiggy feels very in character for both.
• I prefer the girls as fashion advisers to ironers, especially since that's what they end up being anyway.
• I also prefer the girls reacting to Lenny "swallowing his comb" and not knowing about Squiggy's trick.
• The "slight & irregular" line works better as an exit line for Laverne, but I do wish that Squiggy's "compliment" of Shirley had made it in.