"Hi, Neighbors - Book II," Scene B

We go to the "Girls' Apartment - Night."  The scene starts out like what we'd see onscreen, with Mrs. Babish borrowing hairspray.  However, onscreen she used the last of hers on a masher, who will "never reach for his raincoat again," while in the script she used it on a roach and "lacquered him to death."

Onscreen, Laverne tells Edna not to take too good care of Frank because "he's still a person's father," while in the script it was because Laverne's "too old for a baby brother."

After Shirley says Frank and Edna make a cute couple, Laverne wonders why everyone else has a date and they're stuck cleaning.  And she has her encounter with the vacuum.  Here is the tangent we lost from this version:

THE LAVERNE AND SHIRLEY WOMEN ARE SITTING ON THE COUCH, TRYING TO SEW THE TORN SHEET BACK TOGETHER AGAIN.  [There is no previous mention of a torn sheet.]

LAVERNE

This sheet is never gonna be the same.  Let's try throwing it out.

SHIRLEY

No.  This sheet was given to me by my first boyfriends' [sic] mother.

LAVERNE

Think she was trying to tell you something there, Shirl?

SHIRLEY

And just what is that supposed to mean?

LAVERNE

All right, forget it.

THEY SEW FOR A BEAT.  AD LIB NEEDLE AND THREAD.

LAVERNE (CONT'D)

Are the guys going to drop by and show us the tuxes?

SHIRLEY

I certainly hope so.  I'd like to see them dressed up in their tuxedos.

SHIRLEY SMILES AT A PRIVATE THOUGHT.

LAVERNE

What's funny?

SHIRLEY

Nothing.

LAVERNE

What's so funny?  Don't just sit there and laugh to yourself.

SHIRLEY
I was just thinking about the senior prom.

LAVERNE

Why did I ask.

SHIRLEY

The way Steve Billback looked when he came to pick me up.  Steve stood before me, a symphony in cloth and patent leather.

LAVERNE

He was cute.

SHIRLEY

He was perfect.

LAVERNE

Couldn't talk.

SHIRLEY

(FROSTILY) He spoke well of you.

LAVERNE    

He talks well of me?

SHIRLEY

(BACK TO PROM) I'll never forget the way he looked.  He wore a pearl-gray dinner jacket, sporty bow-tie....

LAVERNE

What'd he say?

SHIRLEY

... pleated trousers, black pumps, and dark socks.

LAVERNE

What'd he say about me?  Did he like me?

SHIRLEY

Yes he liked you.  There he stood, tall...

LAVERNE

... and lean.

SHIRLEY

... sporting a jaunty grin...

LAVERNE

Nice teeth.

SHIRLEY

And smoking a cumerbund [sic].

LAVERNE

How come he don't call no more?

SHIRLEY

His mother drove me crazy.  She kept giving me sheets.

LAVERNE

Oh, well, can I have half of this to keep?  I didn't know he liked me.

Onscreen, the boys would enter together, and Lenny would say, "Well, Girls, this is what we'd look like if we was handsome."  That's not exactly what happens in the script:

LENNY ENTERS, WEARING A RAINBOW-FLAKE TUX JACKET.  HE IS UPSET.

LENNY

Here you go, ladies.  This is what I'd look like if I was handsome.

SHIRLEY

(STAGGERED) Oh look at this -- It's ... very... (TO LAVERNE) what's the word?

LAVERNE

You want a clean one?

LENNY

Take a good look, 'cause it's going right back to the shop.

SHIRLEY

What?

LENNY

Yeah.  Squiggy called Barbara to let her know we was on our way.  And they both cancelled out on us.

LAVERNE

Aww... are you real upset, Len?

LENNY

Not for me.  I hardly even know Delores.  But Squiggy was really gone on this Barbara Hummell.  He thought she was the greatest thing since cheese.

SHIRLEY

Don't sit on that.

LAVERNE

Not on the sheet.

SHIRLEY

Is he all right?

LENNY

He calmed down a little after he threw the phone down the incinerator.

THERE IS A KNOCK AT THE DOOR.

LAVERNE

Who is it?

SQUIGGY (O.S.)

(FORLORNLY) Nobody.

LAVERNE

Come on in.

THE DOOR OPENS.  SQUIGGY ENTERS.

LAVERNE (CONT'D)

You look real nice.

HE IS DRESSED IN A MORNING COAT AND TAILS, STRIPED TROUSERS, AND SNEAKERS.  HE IS CARRYING A MEAGER BUNCH OF FLOWERS.  HIS HEAD IS HUNG LOW, AND THERE ARE TEARS IN HIS EYES.  HE WALKS SLOWLY AND FORLORNLY TOWARD HIS FRIENDS, WHO ARE STARING AT HIM, MORTIFIED TO SEE SQUIGGY IN SUCH CONDITION.  HE COMES UP TO THE GIRLS WITH THE BUNCH OF FLOWERS.

SQUIGGY

(HANDING FLOWERS TO SHIRLEY) I want you girls to have these flowers while they still smell.

SHIRLEY LEADS HIM TO COUCH.

SHIRLEY

Come on, sit down.  You'll feel better.

SQUIGGY

It couldn't hurt.

HE SITS ON SCISSORS.

SQUIGGY (CONT'D)

Ow.  (TO LEN) That's s right, add injury to insult.

SHIRLEY

(TAKES SCISSORS) Give those to me.  They're dangerous.  Don't be upset, Squiggy.  I'm sure Barbara has a perfectly good reason for cancelling your date.

LAVERNE

Yeah I'm sure.

SQUIGGY

She told me that her and Delores were going to give each other shampoos.

SHIRLEY
Why, that's the stupidest reason I ever heard of.

HE SNIFFLES AGAIN.

LAVERNE

Hey, look.  Forget Barbara.

SQUIGGY

Barbara.

LAVERNE

There are probably plenty of women who are just dyin' to go out with you.  (DOES "LIE" TAKE)

SQUIGGY

I know that.  But I want Barbara.  This was the real thing... marriage... kids... I always felt a duty to spread my genes around.

SHIRLEY

(GETTING UP, TRYING TO CHEER UP SQUIGGY) C'mon, everybody.  Cheer up.  It's Friday night.  We should be havin' fun.  Why don't we go down to the Pizza Bowl.  We'll bowl a few games, have a coupla beers.  It's be fun.  Come on.  Come on.  Come on.

NO ONE IS RESPONDING TO HER PEP TALK.

SQUIGGY

I was lookin' forward to the La Fondue.  I hear they got a waterfall in the men's room.

LAVERNE

There'll be other waterfalls.

LENNY

Can I talk to you two in private for a second?

LENNY, SHIRLEY AND LAVERNE MOVE AWAY FROM SQUIGGY.

LENNY (CONT'D)

Look at that guy -- his heart is breaking.  All dressed up and no place to go.

LAVERNE

What could we do?

LENNY

Well, you could come along to the La Fondue with us.

SHIRLEY

Well, I'm tired.

LAVERNE

We got a sheet to fix.

LENNY

Sure, what'd you do -- run outta shampoo?

LAVERNE

Wait a second.  Let's talk about this.

SHE AND SHIRLEY MOVE BEHIND THE COUCH.  LAVERNE TRIES TO CONVINCE SHIRLEY TO GO.  AD LIB.

SHIRLEY

Let me think about it.

SHIRLEY MOVES OVER BY SQUIGGY AND LOOKS AT HIM. THEN SHE WALKS BACK TO LAVERNE AND LAVERNE AND SHIRLEY WALK BACK TO LENNY.

LAVERNE

Okay, we got nohin' better to do.

LENNY GOES BACK TO SQUIGGY ON COUCH.

LENNY

Guess what?  We got dates.

SQUIGGY

Barbara?

LENNY

No no no.  Look.

SQUIGGY

Laverne and Shirley?

LENNY

Yeah.

SQUIGGY

Nah.  You take 'em, Len. I'm gonna go upstairs by myself.  And maybe knit a rug.

GIRLS LOOK AT EACH OTHER AND BOTH START FOR SQUIGGY.

LAVERNE

Aw, come on, Squiggy.

SHIRLEY

Come on, come on... you're the main reason we want to go.

SQUIGGY

Yeah, sure.  Me and what army.

SHIRLEY PUTS HER ARM AROUND HIM.

SHIRLEY

Please.

SQUIGGY

Oh, okay.  Too many hearts have already been broken.  If they wanna go so bad, we'll take 'em.

LENNY

Terrific.  We'll come down for you in half an hour.

SQUIGGY

And try to look as good as us.

AS LENNY AND SQUIGGY EXIT.  [Yes, a random period rather than a comma, despite the "as."]  THE GIRLS AD LIB, "IT'LL BE FUN?"

SHIRLEY

Do you realize we just begged Squiggy to take us out?

LAVERNE

And he almost turned us down.

THEY START OUT.

LAVERNE (CONT'D)

Makes your stomach churn.

SHIRLEY

Sad.

LAVERNE

What're you gonna wear?

SHIRLEY

My blue dress.

LAVERNE

Good choice.

THEY EXIT TO BEDROOM.

Many, many thoughts:

• If you were curious, yes, it looks like the Fredna ship was launched by McKean & Lander, and pretty early on in the writing process.
• That "baby brother" line, oh my!
• I adore "the Laverne and Shirley women" phrasing!
• Seriously, I have no idea why the sheet is torn, and it never is explained.  I have reasons for thinking that this draft is a hybrid with some stuff carried over and not smoothed out.  I'll supply evidence as we go along.
• Unless Shirley was dating brothers in succession or simultaneously, that is a mistaken plural possessive of "boyfriend."
• I'm as puzzled as Shirley by whatever the heck Laverne is implying about sheets.
• Honest to gosh, what does "ad lib needle and thread" even mean?  Couldn't they just say "They sew"?  Why are the stage directions so weird in this scene?
• The exchange about the boys showing their tuxedos off is awkward as eff.  Laverne was right there when the four of them were talking about tuxes, and then Shirley's reply sounds like this is some language-learning conversation, like "Where is the airport?  The airport's location is near."
• Shirley is not laughing.  She is having a private thought about how attractive Steve Billback looked on prom night.
• OK, so Steve is Shirley's first boyfriend (or second after his brother) and took her to their senior prom.  But what about her dating Carmine all through high school?  
• So Laverne wants to keep the sheet as a memento of Shirley's first (or second) boyfriend simply because he maybe liked her?
• Tall and lean, yeah, pretty much Laverne's type (well, one of them), although I didn't know she cared about teeth.
• Lenny is upset but still boasts about almost looking handsome.
• I really want to see him in a "rainbow-flake tux jacket," and Squiggy in the outfit described a bit later, not that I don't love their look in the filmed version.  But I want both versions.
• It of course works better to see Squiggy rejected onscreen, where he doesn't become forlorn, more angry.  Here he's so upset, he actually knocks!
• I don't think "mortified" is the right word.  Squiggy's friends shouldn't be embarrassed, ashamed, or humiliated.  Shocked, maybe.
• Oh, sure, they'll let Squiggy sit on the sheet but not Lenny.  And why is Squiggy blaming Lenny when he sits on the scissors?
• The "shampoo" excuse would make it in.
• What exactly is a "lie" take?  I mean, how would Penny convey I just lied to Squiggy exactly?
• Squiggy spreading his genes, oh my!
• The waterfall does sound awesome.
• So, onscreen, Laverne tells off Barbara and claims that she and Shirley will go out with the boys, and Lenny takes her seriously.  Squiggy still wants Barbara but agrees to go.  Here, Lenny guilts the girls into going to La Fondue, and they have to beg Squiggy to go, to their later disbelief, especially since he's very reluctant.
• OK, let me see if I've got this blocking right.  Lenny leads the girls away from where Squiggy is sitting on the couch.  Then Laverne leads Shirley behind the couch to talk privately, and it's not like Squiggy is reading a comic book and can't hear them.  Next Shirley walks over to Squiggy, I guess around the couch.  "Then she walks back to Laverne and Laverne and Shirley walk back to Lenny."  And lastly "Lenny goes back to Squiggy on the couch."  What sitcom director would stand for this nonsense?
• This Squiggy is really wallowing in self-pity.
• Onscreen, Lenny would give the girls only twenty minutes to get ready, rather than thirty, and he's the one there who wants them to try to look as good as them.
• Onscreen, the girls take a solemn vow to never tell anyone they went out with Lenny and Squiggy, while they become reconciled to the date by the end of the written scene, even discussing what to wear.  (Shirley would indeed wear blue, sort of a pale turquoise.)
• This ends Act One.  Act Two will have more surprises and nonsense....