"Hi, Neighbors - Book II," Scene E

We're at the "restaurant - about 1/2 hour later":

LAVERNE, SHIRLEY, LENNY AND SQUIGGY ARE SEATED AT THE TABLE FINISHING DESSERT.

LENNY

Chocolate moose!  What a big lie!  There was no moose in my chocolate - How 'bout you, Squig?

SQUIGGY

What's a matter with you - they grind the moose in - If they left it in whole you'd be chokin' on an antler.

LENNY

He's a genius - ahead of his time.

LAVERNE

I hope there was no ground-up Napoleon in my napoleon.

WAITER PRESENTS CHECK.

SQUIGGY

Thank you, my good garcon!

HE LOOKS AT CHECK.  SQUIGGY STARTS TO LAUGH.  HE SHOWS IT AROUND TABLE.  THEY ALL LAUGH.

SQUIGGY (CONT'D)

(TO WAITER) Great gag...Now let's see the real check.

WAITER

This is the real check.

LAVERNE

Do you accept clothes?

WAITER SHAKES HEAD "NO".

LENNY

Don't worry about it - we told you girls we'd show you a good time.

SQUIGGY

Yeah.  (HE STARTS ITEMIZING) Alright.  Who had the extra Pepsi?

SHIRLEY

I did.

SQUIGGY

(AS HE DOLES OUT MONEY) Well, you girls sure stuffed yourselves.

LENNY

"Hog" elolas!

SQUIGGY

But we're sports!  (PAYING THE WAITER) And keep the change.

WAITER

43¢.  (AD LIBS IN FRENCH)

LAVERNE

What does that mean?

WAITER

I won't spend it all in one place.

WAITER TAKES MONEY AND EXITS.  THEY START GATHERING THEIR STUFF TO LEAVE.

LAVERNE

Did you save some change to get our coats?

SQUIGGY

Yeah, yeah.  I got a nickle [sic].

LAVERNE

A nickle?

LENNY
They don't respect you if you over tip.

SQUIGGY HAS FROZEN.  HE SEES BARBARA HUMMEL AND FRIENDS WITH MAITRE D'.  HE IS FURIOUS.

Onscreen, the only part that made it in is the Pepsi (which of course Laverne ordered instead of Shirley) and the undertipping.  The classic "tiny Claude" part did not yet exist in this draft.  Laverne wants butter, so Shirley suggests Squiggy get some from the other table, and then he sees Barbara, making him hide and pay "under the table."

This was all dropped:

LENNY

That was supposed to be my date?  Boy did I luck out!  Even Laverne's better than that.

LAVERNE

Even Laverne!?

LENNY

You know what I mean.

SQUIGGY

She's comin' over here.  I'm gonna kill her.  Gimme those tools, Lenny.

SHIRLEY

Relax.

SQUIGGY

Let me at her.

THE THREE GET SQUIGGY INTO A CHAIR AND ALL SIT AT TABLE.

SHIRLEY

Now just relax.

SQUIGGY

How can I relax?  She's made a fool of me.

LENNY

(LOOKING OVER) Boy, her date is real good lookin'.  Even better than Squig.

LAVERNE

Will you stop it.

SQUIGGY

How good is he gonna look without a face.

LENNY

He's givin' her a little peck on the cheek.

LAVERNE

Lenny will you stop!  Do you want Squiggy to tear her apart?

LENNY

Yeah!

SQUIGGY STARTS TO RISE.  SHIRLEY PULLS HIM DOWN.

SHIRLEY

Squiggy!  May I speak to you as your date.

SQUIGGY

Substitute date.

SHIRLEY
Substitute date.  Squiggy, you've been a gentleman all evening.  And all evening I've had this feeling that... that... within you (SHE STARES AT HIM) ...nothing, forget it.

SQUIGGY

Forget nothing.  I got somethin' within me, I want to know about it.

SHIRLEY

Inside you I think there's another Squiggy.

SQUIGGY

Another one?  Can he be removed?

SHIRLEY

No, no, Squiggy.  You want that.  Inside you there's a mature grown-up Squiggy.

LENNY LAUGHS.  LAVERNE ELBOWS HIM.

SQUIGGY

Come on.

SHIRLEY

Everyone has different sides that they don't always show.

SQUIGGY

You mean there's a crummy Shirley inside of you?

SHIRLEY

Not necessarily.  The point is, you shouldn't be afraid to show your mature side.  You're too good for Barbara Hummell. [Sometimes Barbara has one L in her last name, sometimes two.]

LENNY

He is?

LAVERNE

That's right.  He wouldn't stand anyone up.

SQUIGGY

Yeah.  I go out with anything.

SHIRLEY

That's right!  And you're going to show that scuz how much class you've got.  We're leaving without bloodshed or a food fight.  Stand up and walk tall.

THEY ALL STAND EXCEPT SQUIGGY.  THERE IS A BEAT.

SHIRLEY (CONT'D)

Come on, Squiggy.  Stand up.

ANOTHER BEAT THEN SQUIGGY STANDS.

That was all streamlined, so we got just a bit of Shirley's talk to Squiggy, and Lenny immediately wants Squiggy to "rip Barbara to shreds."  The first part of the four friends starting to head out, including the "so witty" and "so... tall" compliments, made it on air.

Onscreen, Barbara would deny knowing Squiggy, but here's how it went in the script:

BARBARA

Having a better time than I could ever have with you.

LAVERNE

I don't see how that's possible.

SHIRLEY

Andrew is the sexiest, most charming, intellectually stimulating man I've ever met.

BARBARA

Squiggy?  You're talking about a creep who works on a loading dock.

LAVERNE

That's better than a bimbo who works on a street corner.

BARBARA

What does that mean?

GIRLS START TO SQUARE OFF AS SHIRLEY SECRETLY TUCKS A PIECE OF THE TABLE CLOTH IN HER PURSE.

SQUIGGY

Ladies, please, show a little class.

HE STEPS BETWEEN THEM.  THEY CALM DOWN.

SQUIGGY (CONT'D)

Barbara, I understand.  If I'm not your type , that's the way the cookie crumbles.

THEY ALL WALK AWAY WITH SHIRLEY'S PURSE PULLING THE TABLE CLOTH, KNOCKING DRINKS OVER.  THE COUPLES AT TABLE REACT.

SHIRLEY

(FALSE SINCERITY) Oh!  So very sorry.  My purse catches on everything!  Shall we go Andrew?

THEY EXIT.

Onscreen, they only kept the thing about Barbara's type, and Squiggy's line about the cookie was improved to it bouncing.

Again, many, many thoughts:

• There's definitely more about food in this version.
• Of course Lenny thinks Squiggy is a genius.
• If the prices were the only thing on the menu in English (true in both versions), the check shouldn't seem like a gag.
• The boys don't kick up as much of a fuss about what the girls eat (and Shirley probably doesn't eat much) onscreen.
• While earlier, Squiggy was more depressed in the script, as soon as he sees Barbara, he becomes angrier.
• I was under the impression earlier that Lenny had met Delores, but not according to this scene.
• I'm glad they eliminated Lenny insulting Laverne and instead included some sweet moments between them like the (not in this version) "big dope" and him blowing on her "Indian burn."
• I do like Lenny being impressed that Barbara's date looks even better than Squiggy.
• I'm intrigued.  Does Shirley actually sense there's another side to Squiggy, or is she just placating him?  And then later she gives him a lot more compliments than she would onscreen.
• There definitely is another side to Shirley, not "crummy," but less ladylike, as we see with her planning to pull the tablecloth, rather than it being a spontaneous act by Squiggy.
• OK, I want that "I go out with anything" line.
• This is a good time to mention that on the cast list, Barbara, Delores, and their dates are "Silent" roles.  But that cast list must be from an earlier version.  I don't think the scene needs Delores and her date, so it's just as well they were dropped.
• Laverne and Barbara really get into it here, Laverne basically calling Barbara a streetwalker!  Onscreen, Barbara would instead insult Laverne and Shirley, with a great reaction from the Core Four.
• We continue to see McKean and Lander circling in on what would work and what wouldn't, but, yes, I like some of what we lost.