"The Road to Burbank," introduction

On December 16, 1980, four weeks before the controversial episode "The Road to Burbank" aired, its Rev. Shooting Script was submitted.  I will of course note any changes, for the better or worse.  But here, have some wardrobe notes:

"Chuck" is of course not Season-Eight Chuck but Chuck Malone, as we see later in the notes.  Lenny continues to wear saddle shoes in California.  He also wears "Bullmoose P.J.'s," as in Bullwinkle.  I'm disappointed that Squiggy's pajamas don't get as much detail.  Since these wardrobe notes never feature the female characters, we don't get any information on the girls' outfits in the boys' fantasy sequence.

"Dating Game," Scenes D and E

Bob Gatenby is described as "very handsome."  In the script, Squiggy is supposed to stare offstage, but onscreen he claps for himself.  Monique is described as "gorgeous."  Squiggy excitedly exclaiming, "Hygienist!" seems to be an adlib.  Lenny and Squiggy "foam at the mouth" at her introduction.

Lenny's agreement with Squiggy about Bachelor Number One looking like Tarzan's monkey but "with a different suit on" appears to be an adlib.  And someone added the stage direction of Lenny facing Squiggy when he delivers the scripted line, "I could never lie to you, my darling" to Squiggy, who thanks him.  Again, the boys' Ronnie after Monique says she loves bedroom stories was not in the script.  (But Jim cleaning his glasses was.)

In the script, Squiggy says Lenny's fairytale is his favorite story, but onscreen he calls it beautiful and they briefly discuss the moral.  The water in Squiggy's bathtub being "lukewarm" was an added detail, as was the word "globule" in Squiggy's honey answer.

Squiggy jumping into Lenny and Bob G's argument about Lenny not understanding Monique's "most romantic word" question was not in the script, and I'm going to credit Lander with the great line, "That is the oldest trick in the Dating Game book, Jim!"

In the script, Squiggy says that he, Lenny, Laverne, and Shirley were "molded into one" which was embellished as "one heaving mound of flesh."  They dropped Lenny telling Squiggy, after he says Laverne and Shirley's number is in the phone book, "The girls are gonna like that!"

After Jim Lange throws it to commercial, Lenny had the line, "I'll bet she's some woman.  Centerfold, stewardess, dental hygienist. She could clean my teeth naked at 30,000 feet."

In the script, after Monique chooses Squiggy, he "howls with excitement, then assumes a suave pose," but we just see him calmly react.  He was also supposed to tell her, "You won't regret it, my little liverspot."

Lenny kissing Monique's legs is not a stage direction in the script.  Squiggy originally called Monique a "she-devil" and a "human wrecking ball," rather than "harlot" and "trollop," and I actually prefer the earlier insults this time.  Also, in the script Squiggy "puts his arm around Lenny" after asking if Len is busy.  Instead, we got their "stupid" handshake a little later.

OK, so this is as good a point as any to mention that DG opens with Monique and her three bachelors.  And yet, Scene E, which includes "the other winning couple," seems to be set right after Scene D.  And they used the last bit of C to make the tag.

However, in the script E is the Tag and it's set "at the end of the show," as in the end of The Dating Game.  It was filmed faithfully, and the final stage direction, "Both couples dance around excitedly as the end credits are flashed," did indeed happen.

A few thoughts:

• I like that Lenny's cuffs are "Jerry Lewis" style.
• I appreciate that both Jim Lange and the stage directions consider Lenny and Squiggy to be a couple.
• There's no question that Scene D is the highlight of this script.  It runs to fifteen pages and a lot was kept, but of course McKean and Lander punched it up further.
• As with what aired, I think they could've omitted Rhonda, Frank, and Edna and it would be a stronger episode.  Maybe they could've had more of Laverne and Shirley talking to their boyfriends about DG before they watch.  Still, I can definitely see why this would become one of the best episodes of the season.

"Dating Game," Scene C

SONNY AND CARMINE ARE SEATED AT THE KITCHEN TABLE.  THEY HAVE FINISHED A CANDLELIT DINNER.  SHIRLEY IS POURING THE LAST OF THE WINE WHILE LAVERNE FIDDLES WITH THE TV THAT IS ON THE COFFEE TABLE.

CARMINE

Dinner was great.  You went all out, Angelface.  Chilled wine, candlelight, a salad with its own plate.

SONNY

It's a good thing we ate before we watched Lenny and Squiggy.

In the script, Sonny says, "Hey.  It's my turn for the fork," but this became a Carmine line and Sonny onscreen has no idea what they're doing.

In case you're curious, all the shots of the four of them watching The Dating Game count as Scene C, with places for bits of Scene D (moments from TDG) interspersed.  I have no idea how they shot this in front of a studio audience, if they did.

They dropped this part after Squiggy's introduction:

CARMINE, SONNY AND LAVERNE ARE IN AN AWKWARD POSITION AGAIN.  LIKE POSITION #1 EXCEPT CARMINE HAS ONE FOOT UP.  LAVERNE IS FACING OUT.  SHIRLEY IS EATING.

CARMINE

Hey, Squiggy looks pretty good.

LAVERNE

But the top of his head's cut off.

CARMINE

Oh.  I didn't notice.

In the script, "Sonny and Carmine are going wild as they see Monique for the first time."  Onscreen, Carmine smiles a lot but Sonny hardly reacts.  This makes Laverne's jealousy more inexplicable.  However, them kissing after he says she's the only girl he ever looks at is a sweet addition.

After the girls and Sonny look at Carmine because he says he knows what Squiggy does with honey, in the script Carmine adds, "Lenny told me."  This raises even more questions.

They skipped Shirley saying that they're getting "calls from every degenerate around the country."  Then the part of Scene C after that got split off for the aired tag.

A few thoughts:

• Now I wonder about that dinner conversation, because did the girls even tell their boyfriends about auditioning?
• Sonny and Carmine casually insult Lenny and Squiggy.
• Lenny.  Told.  Carmine.  About.  The.  Honey.

"Dating Game," Scene B

 

THE PLACE IS CLOSED.  EDNA IS USING A PLANE.  SHE IS MAKING VERY FEW WOOD CHIPS.

FRANK

Why are you making the sawdust?  Laverne was supposed to do that.  Where is she?

EDNA

Today's the day she's auditioning for the Dating Game.

FRANK

How come my muffin has to go on TV to get a date?

EDNA

Oh, Frank, it's a cute show.  A girl picks a guy she's not allowed to see to go to a place where they're not allowed to touch.

FRANK

And for that they took Milton Berle off the air?

Lenny's line about the pregnant aphid seems to be an adlib.

This was dropped, after Squiggy's "edible bachelors" line:

EDNA

They're gonna put you on national television?!

SQUIGGY

I should hope to kiss a duck.

EDNA

You're gonna kiss a duck on national television?!

LENNY

I'm game.  (THEN) Who would've thought a dead bug would lead to the girl of my dreams.  I'm off to wash my neck.

LENNY EXITS.

SQUIGGY

He's off to wash his neck.  Poor kid.  With me as his competition it wouldn't help if he washed his whole head.

SQUIGGY EXITS.

EDNA

This could bring back radio.

And so ends Act One.

A few thoughts:

• As filmed, this scene gives Edna and Frank weak material, although at least I don't actively dislike them like I do Rhonda in this episode.  But good grief, I think what was omitted is even worse!  The clumsiness of the exposition, and the overly dated Uncle Miltie reference, sheesh!
• Lenny's exit line almost works, and I can picture McKean saving it.
• Awww, Squiggy's egotism turns out to be an accurate prediction, poor Lenny.

"Dating Game," Scene A

We start in the "girls' apartment - day."  Here are the wardrobe notes at the start of the scene:

LAVERNE IS LYING ON THE COUCH IN SKIN-TIGHT DRESS.  SHE HAS ASSUMED A SEXY POSE.  

LAVERNE

(PRACTICING) Bachelor number one, do you like wet kisses or dry kisses?  (PUCKERS LIPS)  (BEAT)  Bachelor number two, I like baseball.  What's your favorite position?  (BEAT)  Bachelor number three, if I ran my fingers through your hair, would it come off?

That was cut out.  Shirley's outfit is described as "a prim little dress," but I have to note that the hem is well above her knees.

In the script, this was dropped before Shirley gets her arm out of Laverne's dress:

LAVERNE

Get it out.  What're we gonna do, go as Siamese twins?

SHIRLEY

Either that or we cut it off.

LAVERNE

Shirl, I can't go around wearing your arm.

SHIRLEY

The dress, Laverne.  I meant the dress.

LAVERNE

You're gonna cut my dress?

Instead we got the part with argyle socks after Shirley's arm is out but before Laverne has the dress off.  During the sequence where Shirley is trying to pull Laverne's dress off, there was a line, "Suck in your ears, Laverne."

This was omitted after Laverne goes upstairs to change and was replaced by a little time-skip:

SHIRLEY

Rhonda, I'm sorry I can't ask you to stay.

RHONDA SITS.  SHIRLEY CHANGES PURSES.

SHIRLEY (CONT'D)

(THEN SOTTO) Noooo.

RHONDA

I heard you were trying out for the Dating Game.  I just came by to give you some helpful hints.

SHIRLEY

Why, that's very sweet of you.  Bye, bye.

RHONDA

Now first of all, the producers prefer blondes.

SHIRLEY

I know.  Bye, bye.

RHONDA

Now, what are you planning to wear?

SHIRLEY

I'm wearing what I have on.

RHONDA

Oh, that's good... the old sympathy trick.

SHIRLEY

(TO BEDROOM) Laverne, let's go.

RHONDA

I hope Laverne doesn't wear...

LAVERNE APPEARS AT THE TOP OF THE STAIRS.

RHONDA (CON'TD)

... Too late.

Shirley calling Rhonda "Darling" when trying to get rid of her was added, as was Laverne saying, "I don't like her."

After the boys ask for the girls' used vacuum cleaner bags, and Shirley (but not Laverne) wants to know why, the scene ended like this:

THE GIRLS GRAB THEIR PURSES AND START PUSHING THE BOYS TOWARD THE DOOR.

SQUIGGY

No, no, no, no, no... we ain't done yet.  You also got to keep your bedroom shades up for one year.

LAVERNE

Call a cab, Shirl.

SHIRLEY GOES TO CALL A CAB.

SQUIGGY

Six months?

LENNY

Don't push it, Squig.  Those vacuum cleaner bags are hard to come by.

THEY EXIT.

Instead, the filmed boys leave with the girls without much fuss, and Lenny's warning (I think just to Laverne) "Don't sit on the Fudgsicles again" was added, perhaps a McKean adlib.

A few thoughts:

• So Laverne would ask two of the bachelors suggestive questions and then ask the other if he wears a toupee?
• Then the girls get a little macabre with talk of dismembering limbs.
• One of the reasons this episode is a B and not a higher grade is because it's during the early days of Rhonda's character and I, like Laverne, do not yet like her.  Her "helpful advice" doesn't change my opinion for the better.
• Squiggy, but not necessarily Lenny, wants to play peeping Tom for six months to a year.  Lenny is willing to settle for vacuum bags.

"Dating Game" wardrobe notes

On November 25, 1980, five weeks before the Laverne & Shirley episode about The Dating Game aired, its Rev. Shooting Script was ready.  But before I get into the actual scenes, here are the wardrobe notes:

With guest stars and regulars (and the semi-regular Ed Marinaro), there were a lot of men to dress.  Note that Lenny is wearing saddle shoes quite a bit this episode.  I like that Squiggy having a Nehru jacket was there from the beginning.  They didn't get very detailed about Jim Lange, and I assume he got to pick out his own shoes.  The character called Gateby on the cast list would become Bob Gatenby by the time of filming.  Frank's wardrobe is unremarkable, since we only see him at his new restaurant, but Carmine and Sonny are pretty snazzy considering they're just hanging out at the girls' place watching TV.

"The Diner," Scenes J and K

Now we're in the "diner - night."  They dropped Shirley saying, "Well, what do you say?  Shall we spend our last ounce of strength to wash the dishes?", and Laverne replying, "What for?  We're just going to use them again tomorrow."

And the last part of Scene J was omitted:

FRANK

Ya know, it looks like you had a lot of people in here. The Pizza Bowl is doing pretty good now, maybe I can branch out and buy this place.

SHIRLEY

Good for you, Mr. DeFazio.  I told Laverne this hell hole had potential.

FRANK

Yeah.  What do you think Lenny and Squiggy want for this place?

LAVERNE

One hundred women.

THEY EXIT.  SHIRLEY CLOSES THE DOOR.  THE PAY PHONE FALLS OFF THE WALL.

The tag finally takes us to the "girls' apartment - next day."  We lost Shirley saying, "Pipe down!  I'm talking to you, too, Andrew Squigmann," which is kind of adorable.

In the script, the boys were supposed to stay at least 100 feet from the diner, which became 100 yards by filming.  This was modified after the girls again have to break up an argument:

SHIRLEY

Look, I've got an idea.  Will you close the deal if Frank and Edna agree to hang pictures of you boys in their place?

SQUIGGY

That depends on where they hang it.

SHIRLEY

The ladies' room.

LENNY/SQUIGGY

Deal.

LAVERNE

Shake on it.

THE BOYS START TO SHAKE ON IT WITH FRANK AND EDNA.  EVERYONE IS JOYOUS.

EDNA

C'mon, let's go to the Pizza Bowl and celebrate.

THE SIX OF THEM START OUT.

They dropped the part about the boys' picture, moved the part about the name of the diner and the sign earlier, and then ended the scene and the episode with the shaking.

In the script, here's what happened after Lenny's "tombstone" line.

THEY'RE OUT.  THE GIRLS HANG BACK AT THE DOOR.

SHIRLEY

Boy, I just hope one day we get another shot at that brass ring.

LAVERNE

I ain't givin' up hope.  First thing tomorrow, I'm gonna go down to the library and learn everything I can about tuna boats.

SHIRLEY

Why?

LAVERNE

My Aunt Sophia called.  Her cough is worse.

SHIRLEY REACTS.  THEY EXIT.

Thoughts:

• We lose some exposition from Scene J but it's implied in the tag so I guess it's OK.
• And there are some pay-offs to jokes from earlier (one hundred women and the pay phone, as well as Aunt Sophia in the tag).
• They really tried and failed to get "hell hole" on the air.
• Also, this makes two scenes that by air-date ended with people "shaking on deals."
• Shirley's optimism is challenged in this episode but not completely defeated.
• Overall, this is not one of those scripts with significant changes, just some things here and there.

"The Diner," Scenes E and H

We're at "Dead Lazlo's - later."  It's a short scene but they dropped the second half:

LAVERNE STARES AT THE ORDERS AS SHIRLEY STARTS OFF.

LAVERNE

(INTO MIKE) Betty.

SHIRLEY REACTS AND COMES BACK.

SHIRLEY

What now?

LAVERNE

What is this?  (INDICATES ORDER) You drew a picture of a sandwich with pimples.  And next to it is a hand grabbing a pickle.

SHIRLEY

Laverne, think.  Any child's fool could plainly see that's a ham sandwich on rye.  Hold the pickles.

LAVERNE

How could I possibly know that's a ham sandwich?

SHIRLEY

(INDICATES ORDER) Right here, the sandwich is saying "oink".

LAVERNE FLIPS HAMBURGER.  IT DOESN'T COME DOWN.

The next scene has the same setting, also "later."  Laverne's shock at the chicken tetrizini [sic] order was added.  They dropped Shirley telling the customers, "I'm busy.  All those who need to give orders shout them out to the chef," and then "everybody shouts."

In the script, Shirley does stand up to the customer who says that's not his order, by saying, "Who cares?  Eat it.  Sir."  But onscreen Shirley is too beaten down for that.

That "any child's fool" is not a Hello Cue is a minor crime.  Otherwise, what they kept is stronger than the material they dropped.

"The Diner," Scenes C and D

Another setting, the "Pizza Bowl - night":

LAVERNE AND SHIRLEY ARE AT A TABLE.  EDNA BRINGS THEM A PIZZA.

EDNA

Here ya go, girls.  Just the way you like it, well done, extra cheese and free.

The boys were supposed to cry when they admit to the girls that their restaurant has gone broke.  We later lost Squiggy asking, "What do ya think, we were born tomorrow?"

The filmed scene, and Act One, end with the four of them shaking, but there was a bit more in the script:

SHIRLEY

Laverne, thanks to you boys we've got ourselves a business.

THE GIRLS LOOK AT THE BOYS AND THE BOYS LOOK AT THE GIRLS, THEN:

LAVERNE/SHIRLEY        LENNY/SQUIGGY

(SOTTO TO EACH OTHER)     (SOTTO TO EACH OTHER)

Suckers.            Suckers.

Then it's back to "Dead Lazlo's - morning":

THE GIRLS HAVE FIXED UP THE PLACE.  THERE'S A "GRAND OPENING" SIGN ON THE WALL.  SHIRLEY IS PUTTING A VASE OF FLOWERS ON A TABLE.  SHE IS DRESSED IN A WAITRESS UNIFORM.

SHIRLEY

Hurry up, Laverne.  It's two minutes to seven.  We're just two minutes away from feeding Milwaukee's hungriest.

LAVERNE ENTERS FROM THE BACK WEARING A FRY COOK'S OUTFIT, COMPLETE WITH A BIG FLOPPY CHEF'S HAT.

LAVERNE

Okay, I'm ready.  You know, if we do good, Monday morning I'm gonna march to Mr. Shotz and tell him to go martinize himself.

SHIRLEY
Yeah.  We're our own bosses now.  This is a veritable dream come true.

LAVERNE OPENS A BUTTON ON SHIRLEY'S BLOUSE.

SHIRLEY

What are you doing?

LAVERNE

Look, Shirl, sometimes what customers see on the waitress is more important than what they see on the menu.  Know what I mean?

SHIRLEY

(BUTTONING UP) Boy, Laverne, just slap a little beef patty on that grill o' smut.

LAVERNE

Shirl.  Seven o'clock.

THEY GRAB MENUS.  SHIRLEY LOOKS AT THE CLOCK.

This was all replaced by Shirley's voiceover that they're about to open.

The rest of the scene is faithful, but there are some interesting handwritten notes.  On the cover of this reprint, someone wrote, "P. 20-21 D Show Biz Ed Mekka."

And then on p. 20-21, here's what that person wrote:

A few thoughts:

• The little opening bit with Edna isn't really necessary, but it does confirm my headcanon that the girls can eat free at the PB.
• Laverne wanting to tell Mr. Shotz to martinize himself is a follow-up to her having to get her L martinized in the opening scene, but it still sounds vaguely obscene.
• And Laverne trying to make Shirley's uniform sexier is also in questionable taste, especially considering how poor Shirley will be harassed later in the episode.
• "Linda," I believe, is Linda McMurray, who was usually assistant director on L&S but who gets a director credit here.

"The Diner," Scenes A and B

On March 12, 1980, a little under two months before "The Diner" was aired, its Rev. Shooting Script was finished.  There would be some differences, but first, let's look at part of the cast list:

That is a lot of staff writers!  I'm amused that is everyone is a Lu or Lou, except Al Aidekman is "Al."  (Poor Roger Garrett.)

We start in the "break room - day."  The first two pages got filmed with very minor differences, but they added Laverne asking, "You mean...?" when Lenny asks for a favor, and then him saying no, implying not that kind of favor.  They also added Laverne telling Lenny to be careful what he signs.

The next scene is at "Lazlo's Diner - night."  In the script, the girls "enter with their eyes closed," but onscreen the boys cover the girls' eyes.

Here's the stage direction after the boys yell surprise:

THE BOYS JUMP THE GIRLS AND START KISSING THEM.  THE GIRLS FIGHT THE BOYS OFF AND WIPE OFF THEIR LIPS.

It's not quite that extreme onscreen, but I am amused that Laverne asks Shirley afterwards, "Do I have a rash?", considering what Penny would later say in her autobiography about kissing actors named Michael.

After Shirley says the place has potential, there was this bit:

LAVERNE

Really?  Don't you think it's kind of a... what's the word I'm looking for... hell hole?

SHE KNOCKS CHAIR OFF.

SHIRLEY

Laverne, use your imagination.  With some nice tablecloths, lace curtains and cut flowers, this hell hole could be quite charming.

In the script, we get the stage direction, "Lenny exits and Laverne follows," which became him grabbing her by the hand and pulling her outside.

I have to note that in both scenes, Squiggy says, "Mebbe so, mebbe so," so that is canonical spelling on that catchphrase.

My main thought is that they added some Lavenny to both scenes.  Also, it would've been interesting to hear both girls say "hell hole."

"Why Did the Fireman...?", Scenes J and K

The next scene is in "the girls' bedroom - continuous action."  For some reason, they left out Frank greeting Laverne with "Hey, Muffin."  He was also supposed to call her Muffin when he tells her she looks tired.  And even "Muffin, he's dead" became "He's dead" onscreen.

Laverne singing "Did You Ever See a Dream Walking?" as Frank starts to read the newspaper article on Randy was added, maybe because we don't have her singing it in the previous scene.

They left out Frank telling her, "It's okay.  Go ahead and cry."  And he was supposed to "start to help Laverne out of her dress" and a little later he "tucks her in," with Shirley peeking into the room.  Onscreen there's a dissolve where she's already tucked in.

In the script, this is how the scene ends:

FRANK

Sleep well, little Muffin.

FRANK GOES TO SHIRLEY.  THEY LOOK BACK AT LAVERNE, AND EXIT, WITH ARMS AROUND EACH OTHER.

FRANK (CONT'D)

Goodnight, sweetheart.

For filming, he says that last line instead of the "little Muffin" line and he exits alone.  The camera then pans back to a distraught and not sleeping Laverne.

With the tag, we return to the "fire house - afternoon."  There are no real changes.

The penultimate scene makes Frank less soft, with all of those Muffins left out and less of him treating her like a child.  Even him telling her it's okay to cry is gone.  Furthermore, just as we lost the Edna & Shirley hug earlier, the Frank & Shirley embrace is missing.  There is still comforting here, but less obviously, and that final shot of Laverne before the last commercial doesn't soften the blow.

The tonal shifts from this script to filming are interesting, and I do credit Zwick with them, although I'm sure Penny Marshall and others had input.  I don't know that I prefer one version over the other, but I'm glad I now have both.