"Who's Poppa?," Scene B

The next scene is also in the girls' apartment, now "night":

LAVERNE, SHIRLEY AND ROBERT ARE FINISHING DINNER.  LAVERNE AND ROBERT HAVE EATEN WITH ENTHUSIASM.  SHIRLEY, LISTLESS, IS PICKING AT HER FOOD.

ROBERT

The Navy's given me good training.  It taught me what not to do in the wind.

LAVERNE

Oh yeah.  I learned a lot from sailors too.  I once went out with a Chief Petting Officer.

ROBERT

You mean Petty Officer.

LAVERNE

No, I mean petting officer.  He told me that was his job.

ROBERT

Well, you understand.  It gets pretty lonely on board ship.

LAVERNE

It gets pretty lonely here on Knapp Street too, doesn't it, Shirl?

SHIRLEY

Knapp Street?  Yes, we live on Knapp Street.

That was dropped, although they did add Shirley musing that her mother was a Gypsy, which seems unlikely.

They omitted Robert being toilet-trained (at fourteen months?  Oh, Lily-Barb!), as well as him hating strained peas.  But Squiggy jokingly calling Robert "Shorty" was added, as was his "Who died and ate her breakfast?", possibly both from Lander.

They left out most of this after Laverne tells the boys that Shirley thinks she might be adopted:

SQUIGGY

So what if she was adopted.  Even President Eisenhower was adopted.

SHIRLEY

Dwight D. Eisenhower was adopted?

SQUIGGY

Sure.  All the people of France adopted him as their national hero.  Everybody knows that.

LAVENRE

That's not the kind of adopted we're talking about.

SQUIGGY

There's more than one kind?  What a complex world we live in.

ROBERT

She means the kind where you don't know who your parents are.

LENNY/SQUIGGY

(PONDERING) Ohh...

LENNY

Oh, that Dwight Eisenhower.

SHIRLEY

Oh, my Lord.  Even they've got parents.

The word "unclean" is not in the script and I think that's another Landerism.  Furthermore, in the script, Squiggy just asks to see Shirley's arm for the "Squigman birthmark," while onscreen he immediately asks her to take off her clothes.

But then this happens in the draft:

SHIRLEY EXTENDS HER ARM.

SHIRLEY

I'm gonna show you my fist.

SQUIGGY

(ASTOUNDED) Look, there it is, just like mine.

HE SHOWS HIS ARM.

LAVERNE

There is something under the hair here.  It's a mole shaped like a mole.

SHIRLEY

It's a coincidence.

LAVERNE

It sure is.  It's not every day you see a mole shaped like a mole.

ROBERT

I don't have that mole.

LENNY

See if she has the Squigman freckle.

SQUIGGY

Right, could you drop your pants?

The "Kosnowski cold sores" were in the script, but Squiggy's exit line about "Mom" seems to be yet another Landerism.

Shirley's high-pitched wailing over the family album, and Robert trying to "what-a-gal" her, were other additions by filming.

Onscreen, the scene and act end with Shirley not wanting to be "Shirley Squiggman," but in the script she says, "...If Squiggy goes around saying he's my brother, I'll have to leave town," which you might recall is what the Shirley in the script for "Did She or Didn't She?" (AKA "Once Upon a Rumor") feared she'd have to do because he was going around saying he was her lover.

A few thoughts:

• Wow, the things Bobby should not do in the wind!
• Chief Petting Officer!  Oh, Laverne.
• I like the Ike silliness.
• A mole shaped like a mole.
• Shirley is wearing a skirt onscreen, but maybe Squiggy means underpants.  Also, how does Lenny know about the Squigman freckle?