"Dog Day Blind Dates," Scene 6 (Tag)

This scene, which is labeled as "TAG," is set in Laverne and Shirley's apartment, at "night":

SHIRLEY IS IN KITCHEN CLEANING UP FROM COFFEE AND CAKE.  LAVERNE IS AT THE DOOR SAYING GOODBYE TO HER FATHER WHO IS PUTTING ON HIS COAT.  THE FRONT DOOR IS OPEN.

LAVERNE

I'm glad the insurance company is building you a new men's room, Pop.

FRANK

A bigger one.  Now you both had a rough night.  Go to bed.

LAVERNE

(KISSES HIM)  'Night, Pop.  you sure you're not mad at me for dating bank robbers?

FRANK

How can I be mad at a muffin who got met three new urinals.  You're a hero.  Good night.

FRANK EXTIS.  LAVERNE SHUTS DOOR.  LAVERNE CROSSES TO SHIRLEY IN KITCHEN.

LAVERNE

Shirley, I'm worried about myself.  After calmly thinking about it... I'm a dope.

SHIRLEY

I don't think so.

LAVERNE

But I always seem to pick rotten guys.  I'm attracted to losers or something.

SHIRLEY

Its hard to tell the good guys from the bad guys.  I remember even in kindergarten it was confusing.  I was in love with Ira Glick.  He carried my pencilcase and everything.  Then one day in playground he said "Open your mouth and close your eyes, I'm gonna give you a big surprise".  Then he poured a shovel of sand down my throat.

LAVERNE LAUGHS, AND SITS DOWN TO FINISH HER PUZZLE.

SHIRLEY (CONT'D)

Why do you laugh at my life?

LAVERNE

You break me up.  I guess all girls have to figure out if they're picking a good guy or a bank robber.  It's a tricky business.

SHIRLEY

There's no answer.  And if you're going to sit there doing that silly puzzle I'm going to bed.

SHIRLEY STARTS TO BEDROOM.

LAVERNE

I guess the only answer is to have a suspicious best girlfriend who can warn you about certain guys -- like I do.

SHIRLEY

(STOPS)  Ah, Laverne, you know how to get to me.  I'll help you with your puzzle.

SHIRLEY SITS ON OTHER SIDE OF COUNTER TO DO PUZZLE.

LAVERNE

I'm working on Lincoln's beard, you do Jefferson's boots.

SHIRLEY

Okay...

THE REST IS PLAYED WITH OVERLAPPING.

LAVERNE

Why are you picking up a yellow piece?  His boot is black.

SHIRLEY

I thought it would fit.

LAVERNE

Yellow can't fit.  The boot's black.  Look at the picture.

SHIRLEY

I don't like to look at the picture on the box.  I like to guess.

LAVERNE

Now she's picking up purple pieces.

SHIRLEY

I thought it could be the buckle.

LAVERNE

There's no buckle.

SHIRLEY

Don't tell me...

LAVERNE

Do Washington's nose... that's purple.

SHIRLEY

I'll d what I want.  You're no fun to do a puzzle with, Laverne...

AS THEY BABBLE WE 

FADE OUT:

THE END

Thoughts:

• The little bit with Laverne and Frank is sweet, although I have the feeling that "urinals" wouldn't have made it past the censor.
• Why is "bank robbers" plural?
• Laverne's insight about her dating habits would remain true for the entire run of the series, although it's kind of sad that she knows this about herself and can't change.  It's even sadder that she won't have her best girlfriend around in Season Eight to help her with this.
• Poor Shirley with Ira Glick!  
• But if Shirley is going to tell everyone about Laverne's habits in the shower, I suppose she has to expect Laverne to laugh at her.
• And it's back to the jigsaw puzzle, but the way they solve it feels opposite to what I'd imagine for their puzzling styles.  It would feel more in character for Shirley to be "by the box" and Laverne to improvise more.
• Why is Washington's nose purple?
• I have mixed feelings about this scene, because it's not all filler, and I wish that they could've found a way to incorporate at least some of the lines, especially about the girls' friendship, while leaving out the jigsaw stuff.
• Overall though, this is another Season One script that is stronger onscreen.