"Dog Day Blind Dates," Scene 5

Act Two is set at the P.B., but "later::

CHARLES STILL HAS HIS GUN ON SHIRLEY, LAVERNE, LENNY AND SQUIGGY.  THEY HAVE THEIR HANDS UP.

CHARLES

This is a holdup.  You two guys listen to us and nobody will get hurt.

LENNY

Yes sir, Mr. Gun Holder.

SQUIGGY

You're robbing the Pizza Bowl.  The only dough here got tomato sauce on it.

CHARLES

No, Dummy, the bank's next door.  We blew a hole through the wall.

LAVERNE

The wall!  My father just had it painted.

CHARLES

Go in the bathroom and help Buck load up the money.  Move, Dummy.

LENNY

Move, he's talking to you, Dummy

PUSHES SQUIGGY TO BATHROOM.

SQUIGGY

Hey, you can't call me Dummy.  You ain't got a gun.

THEY EXIT.

Onscreen, this is shortened, with less of the Core Four being stupid, and of course Charles has already explained his plan before the commercial break.  The next part made it in, except for Charles telling the girls to put down their hands specifically because "You look silly."  And after Shirley calls Charles a rude man, she added, "How could you use Laverne to help you rob a bank?  Thoughtless, very thoughtless."

They omitted Lenny's line after he, Squiggy , and Buck come out of the men's room, "Hey, will you look at these guys.  These guys are sharp.  I bet they make more money in one night than we do in a whole week, " as well as Squiggy's reply, "Yeah, but they don't get to go to company picnics."

Shirley's great reply about Charles's order to get on the floor, "Oh, no, not on a first date I don't," was added.  They also added Laverne worrying about her outfit, and the fuss over the order that the four will lie down on the floor.  Here's what happened after they finally lie down:

LENNY AND SQUIGGY COVER THEIR HEAD [sic].  THEY'RE TERRIFIED.

BUCK

The police are comin'.

CHARLES

Don't worry, we'll be gone with plenty of time to spare.  Let's get outta here.

THEY HEAD OUT FRONT DOOR.

ANGLE ON FLOOR

SHIRLEY

I'm going to stop them.

SHIRLEY PICKS UP A CHAIR AND HOLDS IT OVER HER HEAD AS CHARLES AND BUCK RETURN.  THEY LOOK AT HER.

SHIRLEY (CONT'D)

Just closing up.

SHE PUTS CHAIR UPSIDE DOWN ON TOP OF TABLE, THEN DOES THE SAME WITH ANOTHER CHAIR.

CHARLES

Laverne, the door doesn't open!

LAVERNE

My dad locked it from the outside.

BUCK

Well, open it.  Get the key.

LAVERNE GOES BEHIND THE COUNTER.  SHE THROWS A LARGE KEY RING, WHICH MUST HOLD A HUNDRED KEYS, ON THE COUNTER.

LAVERNE

It's one of these.

BUCK

There's a million keys.

Onscreen, the boys aren't too terrified to come up with crazy plans, which Shirley criticizes.  Laverne remembers that her father locked the door from outside, so when Buck and Charles come back, the latter calls her Sweetie and asks her to get the keys.  She defiantly asks why she should tell him.

The policeman on the bullhorn and the robbers' reaction is similar in both versions, but the "so kill me" part was added.

Shirley's "Why don't you give up?" was elaborated by the time of filming.  Charles's line about "two defensive girls and two wimps" comes after the part about Lenny's Army reserve meeting and Squiggy's about his mother.  Also there's a part in the script where Charles says, "Cool it, if anyone tries anything, (HOLDS UP GUN) ... they get this," to which Lenny replies, "No thanks, they gave me a rifle at the Reserve."

The part with Squiggy saying they'd have to kill him first on through the wonderful four-person shuffle was not in the script.

Frank getting on the bullhorn came before Charles sending the boys to the ladies' room.  The first part of this dialogue made it in, but instead of the exchange about the restroom being blown up, there was this:

FRANK (O.S.)

If you get hungry, have a salami sandwich.  Use my private salami, not that crud I give the customers.

LAVERNE

Thanks, Pop.  And thanks for talking to me.  I mean that.

FRANK (O.S.)

It's all right, Muffin.  It's okay.

After Charles says that's enough, he goes back to the door and we get two pages of chopped dialogue: 

LAVERNE

We should try to get out of here.

SHIRLEY

Yeah... we need a plan.

LENNY

We shouldn't do nothing... the cops are outside and their job is to get us out.  Our job is to stay here and be scared.

SQUIGGY

Well, well, well... is that the United States Reserve talking.  Ya sissy.

SHIRLEY

You're a disgrace to your uniform.

SQUIGGY

Look at it this way: you're a prisoner of war.  It's against the law if you don't try to escape.

LENNY

Okay.

SHIRLEY

Who has a plan?

LAVERNE

I think I have one.  If Squiggy...

LENNY

No... no... If I go along, it's got to be my plan. I'm the only one with military experience, so I'm the General.

SHIRLEY

A General.  Two seconds ago he was a chicken.

LENNY

Now, here's the plan.  (POURS SALT ON THE TABLE AND STARTS TO DRAW DIAGRAMS... DOTS INDICATE PEOPLE)  Here's Laverne, here's Squiggy, and here's Shirley.  When I yell, "Charge", you charge Charles.

LAVERNE

What are you doing?

LENNY
I stay back here out of the line of fire.  The General is too valuable to lose.

SQUIGGY

(YELLS) That's a stupid plan.

LENNY

It is not a stupid plan.

CHARLES HEARS THE COMMOTION AND STARTS OVER TO TABLE, AS:

LAVERNE

Sssh, he'll hear.

CHARLES

What's going on here?

LENNY

Aw, I had this great plan to escape and whoops.

SQUIGGY

Squealer!

CHARLES

Get into the bathroom... both of you.

LENNY AND SQUIGGY START INTO THE MEN'S ROOM.  LENNY STOPS SQUIGGY.

LENNY

I don't want to go in there.  There was an explosion

SQUIGGY

There are things hanging from the ceiling.

LENNY

Yeah, toilet paper.

CHARLES

All right, get in the ladies' room.

LENNY

Ladies' room.  Hey, it's my first time in a ladies' room.

SQUIGGY

It's not mine.

LENNY AND SQUIGGY EXIT INTO THE LADIES' ROOM.

CHARLES

No more plans -- or else.

CHARLES GOES BACK TO THE DOOR.

Onscreen, the boys are both more amused and more resistant about going into the ladies' room.  Also,  Squiggy offering Charles a buck to shoot Lenny first comes later in the script.  There's a dissolve after Charles tells the girls not to try anything.  Here's what's in the script after Charles's exit:

LAVERNE

Now what are we going to do?

SHIRLEY

You know.  We're going about this all wrong.  I think we should appeal to their human side... their humanity.  Which rules out that animal of yours.

LAVERNE

What do you think Buck is, a teddy bear?

SHIRLEY

But Buck's a poet, and poets are very sensitive people... Look at Longfellow, Elizabeth Barrett Browning...

LAVERNE

Shirl, Buck's a bank robber.  Better forget about it.

SHIRLEY HOLDS UP HER HAND TO SILENCE LAVERNE.

SHIRLEY

If there's one thing I know, it's people.  You'll see.

SHIRLEY WALKS OVER TO THE BOWLING ALLEY DOOR AND CALLS BUCK OVER.  HE COMES OUT AND STANDS IN THE DOOR WITH SHIRLEY.

BUCK

Yeah, what is it?

SHIRLEY

Buck... Buckie... Mind if I call you Buckie?

BUCK

Naw, my mommie used to call me Buckie.

SHIRLEY

How nice.  Buckie, I'd like to get to know you better.

BUCK

Not now.  This place is surrounded by police.

SHIRLEY

No, not that.  I want to get to know you because I have a feeling that you're not really cut out for this kind of work.  I think that you should forget this evil life and pursue your true calling: poetry.

BUCK

You do?  My mother used to say the same thing.

SHIRLEY

A wise woman.  Poets are very sensitive people... humane people and, as a poet, a humane person, you should put down your gun and let us all go.

BUCK

Yeah, I like poetry.  You want to hear a little poem I just made up.

SHIRLEY

I think I'd like that very much.

BUCK

"Pretty young lady, I'm no man of prose, 

So if you don't get back there, 

I'm going to shoot off your nose."

SHIRLEY

I got ya.

SHIRLEY RETURNS TO LAVERNE AND BUCK GOES BACK INTO THE BOWLING ALLEY.

SHIRLEY (CONT'D)

He's a rotten rhymer.

POLICEMAN (O.S.)

(THROUGH BULLHORN) Hey, in there, is it okay if I come in to negotiate with you?

CHARLES

Yeah, unarmed and no tricks.

POLICEMEAN (O.S.)

Hey, what's he doing?  Stop that nut!  Come back here, you!

CARMINE BURSTS THROUGH THE DOOR.

SHIRLEY

Carmine!

CHARLES

You know him?

CARMINE

Everybody on the beat knows me.  I'm Detective Carmine Ragusa.

CHARLES

Right, okay, copper, here's our deal...

CARMINE

Hold it.  Before there's any talk of deals, we make a swap of hostages.  Let the two girls go and I'll stay.

CHARLES

Two for one... are you kidding?

CARMINE

Okay, I'll stay and Shirley goes.

LAVERNE

Thanks a lot.

SHIRLEY

Thanks, Carmine, but I'll stay with Vernie.

LAVERNE

Go on, go ahead.  Don't be a dope.

CARMINE, SHIRLEY AND LAVERNE ADLIB A FIGHT.  THEN, SQUIGGY STICKS HIS HEAD OUT THE DOOR.

SQUIGGY

Hey, Carmine, what are you doing here?

CHARLES

The cop here is negotiating for your lives.

SQUIGGY

He ain't no cop.  (YELLS INTO LADIES' ROOM) Hey, Lenny, Carmine told the crooks he's was a cop.

LENNY COMES OUT OF THE BATHROOM AND HE AND SQUIGGY LAUGH.

LENNY

Cop.  (LAUGHS)  He's a house painter.

CHARLES SHOVES THE GUN INTO CARMINE'S STOMACH.

LENNY (CONT'D)

Whoops... Sorry, Carmine.

CARMINE

So, I'm not a cop.

CHARLES

Okay, wise guy, the only reason you're still standing is because I want you to go and tell the cops that in one hour we want an armored car outside to take us to Canada.  If they don't have it here, we're going to start sending out a hostage every fifteen minutes, and they're not going to be breathing.  Get moving!

CARMINE STARTS OUT THE DOOR.

SHIRLEY

Thanks, Carmine.

CARMINE

Right, Angel Face.  Sorry.  (TO CHARLES) You'd better not hurt them.

CARMINE EXITS.

CHARLES

(YELLING AFTER CARMINE) Hurt them!  Didn't you hear straight?  In one hour, you're gonna have some damaged people here.  Tell that to the coppers!

SQUIGGY

(TO CHARLES) Who you going to shoot first?

CHARLES

I don't know.

SQUIGGY

(TO LENNY) You can be be first.  You're a soldier.

LENNY

Naw, you go first. You're lighter to throw out.

SQUIGGY

Yeah, but you're an easier target.

CHARLES

(INDICATES BATHROOM) Get inside.

LENNY

Yes, sir.

LENNY GOES INTO THE LADIES' ROOM.  AS SQUIGGY GOES IN, HE WHISPERS OVER HIS SHOULDER.

SQUIGGY

Take him first and I'll give you a dollar.

SQUIGGY ENTERS LADIES' ROOM.  CHARLES TAKES UP HIS PLACE AT THE FRONT DOOR.

Onscreen, there's nothing of Shirley's conversation with Buck or Carmine's foolhardiness.  In fact, the cop specifically says they don't negotiate with hostages.  I think only Squiggy's pathetic bribery made it in.

ANGLE ON LAVERNE AND SHIRLEY.

SHIRLEY

What do you think is going to happen?

LAVERNE

Nothing, cops respect hostages.

SHIRLEY

Yeah, they won't shoot... they'll probably try to starve them out...

LAVERNE

It could take a while in an Italian restaurant.

SHIRLEY

That's true... the cops will get tired of waiting...  they'll want to get home...  they'll storm the place, guns blazing.  They'll shoot anything that moves...  Us... we're going to die , Laverne.  We're going to get killed.

Onscreen, the crooks discuss whether to throw out one of the "two clowns" and agree it'll have to be one of the girls, in two minutes.  Shirley goes into hysterics, including about Tom Dooley, more quickly, and Laverne slaps her in both versions to calm her down.

The next page is mostly intact, although in the script Shirley says of the baby she never had, "I'll never get to see it's [sic] tiny fingers, it's [sic] little nose."  In the script , Laverne says they should've "vo-do-o-do-doed," yes, with that spelling, to which Shirley replies, "Well, I don't know if we should've done that!"

Here's the version in the script, after Laverne says they saved "it for nothing":

SHIRLEY

You really think it's as great as they say?

LAVERNE

I always hear about bells ringing and fireworks; that sounds like fun to me.

SHIRLEY

Well, look at it this way.  People will continue to respect us even after we're gone.

LAVERNE

No, they won't.  Because if we get killed now, our names will forever be linked with Squiggy and Lenny.

SHIRLEY

That's not a terrific link.

LAVERNE

I know.  I'm going to have to do something desperate.

SHIRLEY

Whatever you do, I'll be there right next to you.

LAVERNE

Thanks, Shirl, but I'm going to have to handle Charles by myself.

As you know, in the script the eternal link with the boys would not be because the girls might die with them, but because they might lose their virginities to them.  And Shirley says she'd rather save it for patient Carmine.  Then onscreen, the part with Pop on the bullhorn comes here.  Then Laverne says she's not ready to die, and it goes into the next part of the script, where Shirley asks Laverne what she's going to do.  They did omit Shirley saying, "Whatever she has to...  Laverne, I'm not going to look."  On the other hand, Shirley doesn't bid a tearful goodbye to "Vernie."

Here's the script, after Charles says Laverne is his kind of girl:

WE SEE SHIRLEY PEEKING THROUGH HER FINGERS.

LAVERNE

Thanks.  I wasn't supposed to be a girl you know.  (PLAYS WITH HIS HAIR)  My father always wanted a boy.

CHARLES

Well, you're all woman now.

LAVERNE

I try.  (THEN)  You know, I still remember this cute little game my father and I used to play.  You hold your hand way up high like this...  (SHE HOLDS HER HAND HIGH AND HE LOOKS)  ...and then you whammo like this.

Onscreen, this became Laverne admiring the Statue of Liberty, and there was no mention of her father wanting a son.  The stuff with the guns is similar in both versions, except that at one point in the script Laverne tosses the gun to Shirley, who tosses it back to her, and she throws it to Squiggy. But after the cops come in, there was this:

SQUIGGY

I knew it.  We're going to the big house forever.

LENNY

Yeah, I'll probably get in trouble for going AWOL.

COP

I never saw such skeevie hoods in my life.

"Skeevie" became "scuzzy," leading to a good Shirley line.  Laverne kissing Charles because he paid for dinner was added.  Shirley confronting Buck about his "Phoenix/Kleenix" rhyme was another addition.

There was a commercial break after the crooks' exit and some of the rest of the scene was made it into a tag, although there's an unaired tag after this.  Anyway, here's what 's next in this very long scene in the script:

LENNY

They're going to be sent up the river.

SQUIGGY

There's no river around here.  They're gonna be send [sic] up the lake.

THEY ALL EXIT.  LAVERNE AND SHIRLEY GATHER UP THEIR COATS AND PURSES.

SHIRLEY

(CALMLY) Well, there's only one thing I've got to say.  (SHE HUGS LAVERNE AND YELLS) We did it.  We didn't die!

LAVERNE

(SMILES)  Yeah.  And we learned something here tonight.

In the filmed version, Frank comes in to share the girls' relief and happiness, then he leaves to go upstairs and lie down. But after he leaves, the last page of the script is intact.

Thoughts:

• It's probably just as well they left out the "dough" joke.  And the one about the company picnic.
• It feels off to have the boys call each other dummy in this scene, as well as to admire the crooks.
• I'm going to credit the cast with at least some of the group-business, like the floor order and the shuffle back and forth across the floor.
• I sort of like Shirley planning to hit the crooks with a chair, although it doesn't work out.
• Laverne just plunking the keys on the counter doesn't quite work for me, and I'd actually rather she toss the keys in Charles's face.
• There's undeniably more about Lenny being in the Army Reserve in the script than onscreen.
• This is a very early example of someone criticizing the food at the P.B., and it's Frank using the word "crud"!
• Lenny's attitude towards the cops is very different in the script.
• And poor Lenny, with Squiggy and Shirley criticizing him harshly.
• On the other hand, canonical Lenny isn't usually this obvious about knowing he's a coward.
• Do we want to know why Squiggy was in the ladies' room?
• In both versions, Shirley definitely has a higher opinion of Buck than of Charles, but in this one Buck seems more twisted.
• Is Shirley a good judge of people?  Well, sometimes, but mostly I'd say Laverne is a better judge.
• Does Buck think Shirley wants to make out or more?  She's already ruled out petting.
• It's even weirder because Shirley reminds Buck of his "mommie."
• Why is the cop so polite to Charles?  That is just odd.
• I sort of love Carmine bursting in pointlessly.  I mean, it doesn't help the plot, but it's sweet and brave, if stupid.  As is Carmine calling Shirley "angel face" and warning Charles not to hurt the girls.
• And it's sweet that Shirley wants to stay with "Vernie."
• Head-shake at the boys blowing Carmine's cover.
• Wait, when was Carmine a house painter?
• A hostage being killed every fifteen minutes is a lot more leisurely than every two minutes.
• I like the "Italian restaurant" line, although the set-up is more of the "stupid Shirley" we're seeing too much of in in these Season One scripts.
• It's interesting to have both girls speculate on whether sex is really that great.
• And, yep, the linkage with the boys is very different, making me wonder who changed that and when.
• Also, it's weird to me that sometimes it's actually "Shirley and Laverne" and "Squiggy and Lenny," because I'm so used to the L & S order.
• In the script, it sounds more like Shirley is afraid Laverne is going to try to seduce Charles, while Laverne onscreen makes it clear that she wouldn't go that far with Charles.
• I've always found the Statue of Liberty thing a little awkward, but not as awkward as Laverne telling a criminal about her father's longing for a son.
• The boys' "up the river" exchange was improved to the "crime doesn't pay" exchange.
• And yet again, the raw material of a scene shows potential but needed to be cooked.