"Did She or Didn't She?", Scene A

On February 23, 1976, the day before "A Nun's Story" aired, and exactly a month before "Once Upon a Rumor" AKA "Did She or Didn't She?" aired, the Final Draft of "DSorDS" was submitted.  At that point, none of the guest stars, even Jerry, had been cast.  But some of the scenes got lettered.  So Act One kicks off with Scene A, set in the break room, during the "day":

PEOPLE ARE SNACKING AND MILLING ABOUT THEIR LOCKERS AS LAVERNE WALKS IN FURTIVELY WITH SHIRLEY GRABBING ONTO HER FROM BEHIND.  SHIRLEY IS HOLDING UP HER SKIRT UNDER HER SMOCK.

SHIRLEY

Are they all looking, Laverne?

LAVERNE

Sure, some of them have got out their binoculars.  Take it easy, Shirl.  There's nothing for them to see.

SHIRLEY

Are you sure?  I could just die with all these people looking.

SHIRLEY STRAIGHTENS UP.  SHE LOSES THE GRIP ON HER SKIRT AND IT FALLS FROM UNDER HER SMOCK AROUND HER ANKLES.  LAVERNE SLIDES IN FRONT TO SHIELD HER.

LAVERNE

Then, why didn't we go to the ladies' room?

SHIRLEY

Because it's busted again. There are men with mops in there.

AN ANNOUNCEMENT COMES OVER THE LOUDSPEAKER:

ANONOUCER (V.O.)

Your attention, please.  All workers are to report to the assembly hall for a meeting.  That means everyone : the loading dock, the assembly line, bottle capping, and the shipping room.  And that goes for everyone in the break room.  Over and out.

AS WORKERS START TO LEAVE:

LAVERNE

Just what we need.  We'll stay behind and fix your zipper.

SHIRLEY

Just what we don't need.  If you miss another meeting you'll get docked again.

LAVERNE

I have a good excuse.  I'm helping a fellow worker.

SHIRLEY

Vernie, please to to the meeting.  I can fix this myself.  You can cover for me.  Call out "here" twice.

LAVERNE

Then they'll catch you for sure.  You're the only worker in the whole brewery who hollers out...  (MIMICS) ..."present".

SHIRLEY

It's the proper thing to holler.  Go.  I'll be all right.  I have a needle and thread in my locker.

LAVERNE

Figured you would.  You're the only person with bandaids, an iron and a tablecloth in your locker.

LAVERNE EXITS.  

Only some of this made it in, in the form of shots of the girls in the brewery, and them and the announcement all as voiceovers.  Then they omitted the line that Shirley "mumbles to herself" while taking off he skirt in the empty break room, "I like to be prepared.  Why make fun of a prepared person.  All she has in her locker is a picture of Farley Granger."  Apparently this counted as a Hello Moment, because both boys enter and Squiggy says, "Hello."  And here's what we missed with Lenny in this part of the scene:

SHIRLEY IS STARTLED.  SHE HIDES HER SKIRT.

SHIRLEY

Aren't you guys supposed to be at the meeting?

SQUIGGY

We're not here.

LENNY

We're supposed to be out on a delivery.  We already checked out.  So we don't have to go to the meeting.

SHIRLEY

What about the delivery, Leonard?

SQUIGGY

They ain't loaded it yet.  First I wanna buy Lenny a soda.  C'mere, Lenny.

HE PULLS LENNY TOWARD THE SODA MACINE AND SHOVES HIM IN FRONT.

LENNY

What is this?  This ain't my birthday or nothin'.

SQUIGGY PLUNKS IN A DIME.  THE SODA GUSHES OUT AND UP, BLASTING LENNY IN THE FACE.  SQUIGGY HOWLS WITH LAUGHTER.

SQUIGGY

Somebody stuck a bent-up straw in there to make it do that.  He must've been a genius.

LENNY

(RECOVERING) I don't know, Squiggy, you're pretty smart.  I bet if you took a close look you could figure out how to do it.

AS SQUIGGY BENDS OVER TO PEER INSIDE, LENNY QUICKLY INSERTS A DIME.  SQUIGGY GETS SHOWERED IN THE FACE AND ALL DOWN HIS SHIRT.

SQUIGGY

(SEETHING) That's the third time that happened to me today.

SHIRLEY

(PATIENT LIKE TO CHILDREN) Boys, maybe your truck is loaded now.  Why not go take a look-see.

LENNY

That's possible.  I'll go look-see.

SQUIGGY

    Yeah.  I gotta dry out.

LENNY LEAVES.  SQUIGGY IS BLOWING ON HIS SHIRT.

SHIRLEY

Squiggy, can't you take care of that somewhere else?  I need a little privacy.

SQUIGGY

Female trouble?

SHIRLEY

My zipper's broken.

SHE HOLDS UP A QUICK PEEK AT HER SKIRT FROM UNDER THE TABLE.

LENNY [sic]

Hey, lemme see that.  I'm real good at fixin' zippers.

SHIRLEY

Like you're real good at everything else?

SQUIGGY

Naw, the way I fix zippers makes all the other stuff I do look stupid.

SHE PASSES THE SKIRT TO HIM GRUDGINGLY.  BUT AS HE PICKS IT UP AND GOES TO WORK HE REALLY SEEMS TO KNOW WHAT HE'S DOING.  SHIRLEY, IMPRESSED, COMES AROUND THE TABLE TO WATCH.

Onscreen, Squiggy says hello without a build-up and then he starts making mildly (for Squiggy) suggestive remarks.  The exchange about Squiggy learning about zippers at his uncle's "Spic 'n Span Cleaners" is mostly intact.  But this definitely didn't make it in:

SHIRLEY

Squiggy, your wet shirt, [I don't know why there's a comma there, unless she has to pause as she says it] is rubbing against my skirt.  It's one hundred percent virgin wool, you see and --

SQUIGGY

Well, if it's that kind of wool...  (PEELING OFF SHIRT) I won't mess with it.

SHIRLEY

Let me try to dry that.

SHE TAKES THE SHIRT AND FLAPS IT IN THE AIR WHILE SQUIGGY RETURNS TO THE ZIPPER.

Onscreen, he instead explains to her about zipper teeth clenching.  (A vagina dentata reference, or am I reading too much into this?)  Her calling him amazing was added.

After he hands back her skirt, all fixed, there was this:

SHE GIVES HIM BACK HIS SHIRT WHICH HE TOSSES OVER HIS ARM.  HE HANDS HER THE SKIRT AND SHE STARTS TO PUT IT ON.  THEY DON'T NOTICE THE DOOR OPENING AND LENNY PEERING THROUGH, FROZEN AT WHAT HE SEES.

SQUIGGY

Now you can put your skirt back on.

SHIRLEY

Thank you, Squiggy.  Maybe I can still make it to the meeting.

LENNY WITHDRAWS, CLOSING THE DOOR BEHIND HIM.  SHIRLEY STARTS TO GET INTO HER SKIRT.  SHE SEES SQUIGGY LOOKING AT HER.  

SHIRLEY (CONT'D)

I'll do this in the hall.

Lenny's actions made it in, but onscreen Shirley has Squiggy turn his back as she puts the skirt on in the break room.

The first part of the boys' exchange is just slightly modified, although I have to note that "Lenny enters.  He's smiling," does not even hint at what Michael McKean could do with a simple stage direction.  This was omitted:

SQUIGGY

What's the big deal?

LENNY

You mean it's not a big deal?  You and Shirley have... before?

SQUIGGY

Have what before?

LENNY

What you were doin' in here today.

SQUIGGY

Oh that.  No, this was the first time she wanted me to do that for her.  But now that she knows I know how, she'll come straight to me next time.

LENNY IS OVERWHELMED.

The next part, from Lenny's "My friend Squiggy and Shirley Feeney in the break room," through his "More than a hero.  A legend" is mostly intact, but the scene ends with them talking about Davy Crockett.  The exit line was originally Squiggy's "Yeah?  Let me tell you how it happened.  She came up to me and gave me the eye...."

Thoughts:

• While I like Laverne's attempts to help Shirley, the scene probably works better without Shirley being embarrassed in front of all these people, in terms of both plot and character.
• The "mops" became "plungers," but, no, I don't think this is data for the Lenny = mop theory.
• If all those departments, including the loading dock, are supposed to report, how are the boys going to get their truck loaded?  
• Another "Vernie," awww!
• Shirley "hollering 'present' " feels very Season One Shirley, as does her having all that in her locker.
• There are things I like about the scene with Shirley and the boys, from the boys' logic to them pranking each other, as well as Shirley treating them like children and saying "Leonard."  But it does work better dramatically for Lenny's first entrance to be at such a proto-Three's-Company moment.  (And the initial misunderstanding between the boys would've worked on 3's C a couple years later.)
• This must be one of the earliest examples of Squiggy "seething" in a script.
• "Female trouble"?!  Oh my goodness!
• I like Shirley teasing Squiggy about being good at everything.
• His shirt is rubbing up against her virgin wool skirt!  
• And the Squiggy admirers miss out on early fan-service!
• Notice that in this version, Lenny thinks for a moment that this wasn't even S & S's first time.
• "LENNY IS OVERWHELMED."  Oh, Len.  Oh, Michael McKean.
• And in this version, we hear Squiggy embellishing the lie, rather than just playing along with Lenny's misunderstanding.
• Unlike the other Season One scripts I've looked at so far, this one isn't definitively better onscreen.  Six of one and half dozen of the other I guess.