Revised Shooting Script of "The Monastery Show," Act Two, Scene E

Still daytime in the Common Room....

"They do the bread bit."  The script and what aired are similar, but Laverne gets up from the table to get a spoon in the episode, rather than reaching across the table.  When she puts her chair's leg on a nun's foot, Laverne in the script "watches her fascinated," while in the episode Laverne imitates the nun's pained gestures.  Both of these versions make Laverne look like an idiot, but arguably more so in the episode.  In the script, "Sister Margaret bends down and looks under the table and points.  Laverne looks under the table to see what she's done."  She's a lot slower on the uptake in the episode. 

The Mother Superior asks Laverne if she spoke, and so Laverne replies.  The episode leaves out Laverne's "That was a trick question," but she begs a lot more about staying.  The line about "Sister Catherine banging her head on the clacker" was added.

After the Mother Superior and most of the nuns leave, Laverne complains that all she's had to eat is mush.  So Sister Margaret offers her, yes, a salami, but in the script she first "pulls out a loaf of rye bread."  And a jar of mustard after the salami.

Again, not a scene with major changes, although the ones that happened further weaken Laverne's character.  This is definitely not the feisty, street-savvy
Laverne of the early days.

Revised Shooting Script of "The Monastery Show," Act Two, Scene D

We're back in the Common Room, during the day.  (These are all day scenes so far.)

THE ROOM IS SET UP FOR WORK PERIOD.  WE  SEE POTTERY WHEELS AND CRAFT TABLES WITH CLAY, TOOLS, ETC.  BEHIND THESE ARE VASES, MUGS, BOWLS, ETC.  AT THE SIDE OF THE ROOM IS A HUGE POTTERY KILN.  ON THE WALL IS A HUGE PORTRAIT OF SAINT ANDREW, THE DEVINE, WITH HIS FINGER TO HIS LIPS.  UNDER IT IS THE CAPTION "SHHHHH".

NUNS SIT SILENTLY AT THEIR TABLES OR WHEELS UNTIL THE WORK BELL RINGS, AT WHICH TIME SOME OF THEM, INCLUDING SISTER MARGARET, START PUMPING THE WHEELS WITH THEIR FEET, STARTING THEM SPINNING.  THE WHEEL NEXT TO SISTER MARGARET IS LEFT EMPTY.

A NUN NEXT TO SISTER MARGARET TAPS HER ON THE SHOULDER AND IN SIGN LANGUAGE SAYS, "WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?"  SISTER MARGARET SHRUGS.  THE NUN SIGNS, "TO GET TO THE OTHER SIDE" AND THEY BOTH LAUGH SILENTLY.  AS THIS HAPPENS, THREE NUNS SINGING CROSS THROUGH.

LAVERNE ENTERS, WITH THE MOTHER SUPERIOR, WHO POINTS TO THE VACANT POTTERY WHEEL.

MOTHER SUPERIOR

Alright, this is your pottery wheel, this is your clay, here's your water, that's the kiln over there.  Be careful, it's hot as... Well, we send naughty nuns there.  Don't laugh.  It's against the rules.  Any questions?  Don't ask, also against the rules.  You'll catch on.

LAVERNE PICKS UP A PIECE OF CLAY, SITS DOWN AT THE WHEEL AND STARTS PUMPING.  MOTHER SUPERIOR WALKS OVER TO SISTER TERESA, WHO IS PUTTING THE FINISHING TOUCHES ON A BEAUTIFUL BUST.

MOTHER SUPERIOR (CONT'D)

Fine work, Sister Teresa.  I'm sure the Convent will reap great rewards from the work you've done on your bust.

SISTER TERESA SMILES AND THE MOTHER SUPERIOR EXITS.

That whole page or so got cut.  Reasons why:

1. Too much set-up and time away from the star.
2. Unfilmable things like the sign-language joke.  (Were they going to use subtitles or something?)
3. Questionable humor, like "hot as..." and "work you've done on your bust."

The episode picks up after this point, with Laverne struggling with the pottery wheel, and Sister Margaret trying to help her.

Then it's "a short time later" in the Common Room, and the singing nuns pass through, while in the episode they continue to sing as Laverne tries to communicate, "That is beautiful" to Sister Margaret, only to accidentally destroy Margaret's vase.  The script has "SISTER MARGARET MOUTHS AN ANGRY EXPLETIVE," which is again unfilmable.  But the whole thing of Sister Teresa trying to choke Laverne after Laverne ruins her "statue" as the script calls it (more like just the head in the episode) is there in both versions.

The scene onscreen ends with Mother Superior entering and exclaiming, "Merciful heavens!"  But the script has quite a bit more, showing Sister Margaret trying to protect Laverne.

MOTHER SUPERIOR

Merciful heavens!  Just what is going on here?

SISTER MARGARET GESTURES, "I DON'T KNOW."

MOTHER SUPERIOR (CONT'D)

(TO LAVERNE) Did you do this?

SISTER MARGARET SHAKES HER HANDS.

MOTHER SUPERIOR (CONT'D)

Okay, who's responsible for this?  Remember sisters, you cannot tell a lie.

EVERYONE POINTS TO LAVERNE.

MOTHER SUPERIOR (CONT'D)

No surprise there.  Well, Miss De Fazio.

LAVERNE STARTS TO SNEEZE.  SISTER MARGARET STIFLES IT.

MOTHER SUPERIOR (CONT'D)

What should we do with you?

SISTER MARGARET SCRATCHES LAVERNE'S HEAD, AND GESTURES "I DON'T KNOW."  THE NUNS POINT UP.

MOTHER SUPERIOR (CONT'D)

Even I don't have the power to send her there.  Besides, I'm not even sure she'd make it up there if I did.

THE SISTERS GIVE THE "THUMBS OUT" SIGN.

MOTHER SUPERIOR (CONT'D)

I suppose I could give her the old heave ho.

LAVERNE

Oh, please let me stay.  I really want God to forgive me.  Please, I beg you.

MOTHER SUPERIOR

Alright.  I'll give you one more chance.  After all, the Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away,  I just hope we're able to giveth our next insurance premium before you taketh away the rest of our pottery.

AS WE:

CUT TO:

{Scene E}

Should this all been cut?  Well, it's not particularly funny, but that's not really a concern for this episode, is it?  I suppose it does develop Sister Margaret's character a bit more, although that's not really necessary.  In contrast to the bell-ringing scene (we'll get there), it shows Laverne really trying, not deliberately screwing up.  I have to point out that no one instructs Laverne (even non-verbally) how to use a potter's wheel, and she's just left to "catch on."

Also, while the scene is mostly slapstick, we do get a little more insight into Laverne connecting her stay in the convent with obtaining God's forgiveness.  The question is, what does pottery have to do with that?  I mean, nothing against pottery, but how is that "holier" than bottle-capping or gift-wrapping?  Shouldn't Laverne be praying and reflecting?  Is it that she's providing free albeit incompetent labor?   And, um, what does that have to do with what happened on the ship, or drinking, or whatever specifically she's trying to get forgiveness for?

And isn't causing the nuns to lose their tempers a good argument to give her the old heave ho?  Or was Laverne sent as a test for everyone?

Revised Shooting Script of "The Monastery Show," Act One, Scene C

And now back to our regularly scheduled program....

Scene C is set in "Common Room - Pottery Room."  This time, the script will sometimes be in red, with what aired in blue, and my comments in white.

NUNS IN FULL HABITS SIT SILENTLY BEHIND POTTERY WHEELS OR AT CRAFT TABLES WORKING ON VASES, BOWLS, POTS, ETC.  THREE NUNS PASS THROUGH ON ROLLER SKATES, SINGING.  LAVERNE ENTERS, SINGING. 

No one is working on crafts.  Four nuns appear to be making fruit salad.  But, yes, there are three singing nuns on roller skates.

LAVERNE

"The Hills Are Alive With the Sound of Music."  I love it -- it's just like the movie.  

Laverne sings "Amazing Grace," off-key.  Then she says, "Oh boy, I'm gonna love it here at St. Andrew's.

In both, she says hi or hello, introduces herself, and asks where you check in.  Laverne shaking Sister Margaret's hand was added on the episode.  There seems to be less of a pause for the nuns' silence in the episode.  The script has Laverne speaking Pig Latin, but first she asks, "Se habla Espanol?"

Mother Superior is described as "an imposing woman," which I guess Fran Ryan sort of is.  Mother Superior greets Laverne.  The part about "We've heard so much about you," which is contradicted by "You know priests cannot violate the confidence of the confessional," made it intact with minor rephrasing.  But after Mother Superior says the priest used the word, "doozy," the script has this

LAVERNE PUTS HER FOOT ON A STOOL.  MOTHER SUPERIOR SMACKS HER.

Which would've really changed the tone of the interaction.

P. 12 made it in pretty much unchanged.  But on p. 13, "LAVERNE SPITS THE PIT [of the tangerine] AND SHEEPISHLY REMOVES IT," was also omitted, again for the better.  Pp. 14-15 are basically what aired.  

After Scenes A and B, the changes here are minor and for the better.  Other than the "doozy" crap, this isn't bad for this episode.  Of course, Laverne seems awfully chipper about her situation, but maybe on some weird level she thought it'd be fun to go to a convent?

Revised Shooting Script of "The Monastery Show," Act One, Scene B

OK, a little thought experiment: Let's say you moved across the country with a half dozen friends and family (your father, your stepmother, your best friend, your best friend's boyfriend, and two other guys you grew up with and are still friends with despite their weirdness).  Your best friend runs off to get married and your stepmother is never around anymore.  (You'll find out later she was having an affair with a jockey she'd eventually elope with.)  Your favorite guy friend is gone a lot, too.  (You'll later find out he's got a secret identity as a member of an English rock band, and you're not sure how that happened.)  Your support system has crumbled after two and a half years in your new home, but, hey, you've still got your father and the two guy friends who are around all the time.  Wouldn't you tell them if you had a traumatic experience?  Or at least come up with a plausible reason you're going to be out of town for two weeks?

Not if you're Laverne DeFazio in the eleventh episode to air in Season Eight.  However, that's not how the episode was written.

Presenting pp. 6-9, Scene B, Int. Cowboy Bill's - Day, with my comments in curly brackets....

CARMINE IS CLEARING OFF TABLES.  SQUIGGY ENTERS.

SQUIGGY

Carmine!  Do my eyes precede me?  {Squiggism alert.}  What are you doing?  The Big Ragoo wasting his talents cleaning tables?  This is terrible.  It's criminal!  You missed a spot.

CARMINE

What do you want Squig?  I'm busy.

SQUIGGY

I've got a proposition for you.  {Surprisingly, this does not lead to innuendo, although I could picture Lander adding it in.}  What's the first thing that comes to mind when I say dead celebrities.  {A period, not a comma.  Either they had a lousy typist or, as with "Devine," no one cared.}

CARMINE

You're disgusting.  {Or, wait, was "proposition" meant to be suggestive?}

SQUIGGY

Correct.  {Carmine is correct that Squiggy is disgusting?  Or correct that Carmine thinks Squiggy thinks Carmine imagines necrophilia with celebrities?  This episode really could've been more tasteless than it became!}  But the second thing that comes to mind is money.  {Sex and money, that is the Squiggman hierarchy of needs I guess.}  Think of it.  Thousands of people from around the world.  Coming to see the great and not so great in their final resting place.  The Squiggman-Ragusa Tour of the Stars' Graves.  {Note the billing.  Also, where is Kosnowski in this plan?  Was it too tasteless for even Lenny?}  

CARMINE

You'd probably charge money to see your own dead grandmother.  {True?}

SQUIGGY

Nah, not big enough.  She's hardly known outside of her own hometown.

CARMINE

I don't think it's a good idea going to see dead people.

SQUIGGY

But that's the beauty of it.  When they're alive, they're always selling houses and moving around.  But once they're dead, they're dead.  They usually stay put.

CARMINE

This is the sickest idea you've had since you tried to sell frozen worms on a stick.

SQUIGGY

Everybody loved the wormsicle.  It was very high in protein.

CARMINE

Forget it, Squig.  I'm not interested in celebrity graves.

SQUIGGY

This may be your only chance to get in on somethin' on the ground floor.  Actually, below the ground floor.

{I have to say, by Season Eight standards, this exchange is almost funny and in character, with Squiggy as tasteless schemer and Carmine as weary straight man.  It might've worked in another episode.  (And I feel like I've heard it elsewhere, so maybe it got recycled.)  It would've been better with Lenny of course, but I understand why he was absent.  And if you're wondering what any of this "comic relief" has to do with Laverne's dilemma, with only a page left in the scene, I don't blame you.  Is this going to be one of those "meanwhile" plot threads, where we go back to Cowboy Bill's to see what wacky hijinks the boys are getting up to while she's "contemplating her sins in peaceful quiet"?}

LAVERNE ENTERS CARRYING A SUITCASE.  {So she went home from the church near the pier, packed a suitcase, presumably changed her clothes, and headed over to her father's restaurant?  And by the way, where is her father while Carmine is clearing off tables?  For that matter, are there any customers around?  What about Mary the waitress?}

LAVERNE

Hi, guys.  Is my Pop around?  {Pretty casual phrasing, although I can picture Penny putting some emotion into it.}

CARMINE

He's not here.  I'm covering for him.  He went down to the ball park -- he heard they were having a sale on day-old hotdogs.  {So they didn't want to pay Phil Foster that week?  Or they just didn't want to deal with Laverne telling her father what happened on the ship and then running off to a convent for two weeks?  Also, geez, I really feel sorry for Eddie M., sometimes, getting a pathetic line like that.  For that matter, does Cowboy Bill's even serve hot dogs?  Maybe Frank would chop them up and put them in chili or something.}

LAVERNE

Well, tell him I stopped in to say good-bye.  {I don't even know how to take this line.  Was Laverne hoping to see her father or is she relieved she won't have to face him for two weeks?  This scene could've taken place at Squiggy's apartment and just not mentioned Laverne's father.}

CARMINE

(SEES SUITCASE) {Wow, nothing gets by you, does it, Ragusa?}  You taking a vacation?  {Or a vocation?  Ha ha, I'm surprised Jill Gordon and Ed Solomon didn't come up with that one!}

LAVERNE

Kind of.  {In the sense of not at all.}  I gotta go spend some time with some nuns at a convent.  {No mention of which convent, or request that either of the guys drive her there, or for that matter, explanation of why she's "gotta."}

SQUIGGY {who hasn't said a word, even "hello," since she came in}

Convent?  Wait a minute.  Are you in the family way without a paddle?  {This is actually a reasonable conclusion to draw, especially since Laverne hasn't told the guys how much time she's gotta spend with nuns.}

CARMINE

(TO SQUIGGY) Hey, watch who you're talking to.  (TO LAVERNE) Are you?  {In character for Carmine I think.}

LAVERNE {I'm going to give my reaction to her line its own section}

No, and you might as well stop guessing 'cause I ain't saying.  But if anybody from the U.S.S. Hackbush calls, I'll be back in two weeks.

AS SHE EXITS, WE:

CUT TO:

{Scene C on p. 10}

....

"No, and...."  No?!  No?  No!  How the hell does she know she isn't pregnant?  It's implied she had sex with multiple guys during a drunken blackout.  Here's the dialogue from pp. 2-3:  "You know one minute I was on the beach toasting the memory of Buddy Holly....Anyway, the next thing I know, I see the sun coming up from the deck of an aircraft carrier....When I woke up and left the ship, all the sailors saluted and they tooted the Big horn."  Is she infertile and just never told us?  Does she have an amazing foolproof form of birth control that works even when she's possibly passed out?  (The priest says, "So you had a little too much to drink and passed out.  It happens.")

So here's my new headcanon: she gave a bunch of blowjobs!  You're welcome!

"You might as well stop guessing."  Sure, Laverne, you show up where you know you have a good chance of running into Carmine and Squiggy, rather than just calling your pop before you leave (maybe Mary could've taken a message), and then you refuse to tell them what's going on, even though you must know that saying you have to spend time in a convent is going to make them curious.  And, Laverne, almost everyone in your friend circle is completely nosy.  If you didn't want people guessing, you could've mentioned it to Rhonda before you caught the bus and hoped she'd be too self-absorbed to pry.  (Although by Season Eight, even Rhonda would've cared.)

" 'Cause I ain't saying."  Really?  You'll go to Confession for the first time in fifteen years [sic], and spill your guts to a priest you've never met, but you won't tell at least Carmine?  Are you afraid Carmine will call you "easy" and/or Squiggy will call you "DeFloozio"?  Or are the writers afraid to face their victim-blaming head on?

"But if anybody from the U.S.S. Hackbush calls...."  {"...I'm pressing charges!"}  Good grief, could they have given the ship a more rapey name than that??  I guess it's supposed to have a Borscht Belt old-school comedy feel to it, but no, just no.  And why would anyone call?  Is she hoping for a "second date"?  Dreading that the sailors will track her down?  And why, in the name of the God she apparently wants to get right with, would she give them the Cowboy Bill's phone number?  The phone number of the restaurant that her overprotective Italian father runs!

"I'll be back in two weeks."  So Carmine and Squiggy can assume she's not leaving town to give birth to a bastard.  And she wants them to tell the sailors to expect her back in two weeks?  So she had a nice time but she feels utter shame about it?  This episode, I can't even.

But anyway, there you go.  A scene that's worth $50 in settling my curiosity, despite all the new questions it raises.  (Spoiler, nothing else in the script comes close to this little beauty, although the tag is utter crap on a dozen levels.)

Revised Shooting Script of "The Monastery Show," Act One, Scene A

So deep breath.  I'm going to rewatch the episode and compare it to the Revised Shooting Script (from December 7, 1982, four weeks before air date).  There are some definite differences, although I think they raise more questions than they answer.  And I'll do this scene by scene, because that's all I can take at a time.  (Plus I'll transcribe where necessary.)

P. 1, the most important thing here is that there's no mention of Laverne's outfit.  Now, I understand that probably wardrobe decisions were made outside of the script, but under the circumstances, doesn't it matter that Laverne's sleeve is ripped and her L almost torn off?  It does say that Laverne was supposed to "clear her throat" and "whistle nervously," which she doesn't do in the episode as shot.

Here's what got cut out after the priest (on p. 2) says that she'll need a full shift to hear fifteen years of Confession:

LAVERNE

I'll hurry.  Fourteen and a half years ago my father sent me to bed without any supper.  I was so angry that I snuck into his bedroom and cut the tag off his mattress.

THE PRIEST LAUGHS AND QUICKLY RECOVERS.

PRIEST

I believe it was Luke who first mentioned mattress tags.  But I have to believe that some greater burden has brought you here today.

THERE IS A BEAT OF SILENCE.

LAVERNE

You can say that again.

Then it picks up with "Okay, here goes...."

If you're getting the feeling that the episode could somehow have been even worse than what aired in '83, fasten your seatbelts.  But, yeah, at least we didn't get a "Do not remove under penalty" joke transitioning to her "greater burden."

The next part is pretty much what aired, with minor changes in phrasing, e.g. "You know who Buddy Holly was?" instead of "You know who he was?"  I will note that it's "the Big horn," and don't ask me why "big" is capitalized.

One part though is actually worse as aired.  Here's the script, from p. 3:

PRIEST

(WHISTLES) Oooh baby.

On the episode this became

PRIEST

Oh, Baby!

LAVERNE

They said that, too.

After the priest says that "of course" God will forgive her, we get some more cut dialogue:

PRIEST

...Now, we've got the mattress tag and the ship.  Anything else?

LAVERNE

No, that's it.

PRIEST

Add on lying to a priest.

LAVERNE

Okay, add it on.

I understand that they had to follow up on the "mattress tag" part to give that some pay-off, but seriously?  Equating that to either gang-rape or Laverne consensually if drunkenly having sex with X number of sailors?  And, then, ha ha, Laverne is lying that these are her only "sins" in fifteen years.  No, just no.

It goes into the "abacus" sequence.  And, with a little bit of rephrasing, the part about penance is the same as in the episode as aired.  Note that here and elsewhere, "Divine" is misspelled as "Devine," which, yes, got past four writers and all the cast.  (A minor detail perhaps but a sign of the sloppiness of the writing.  To err is human, to forgive this episode is devine.)

The last part of the scene, on p. 5, has this "hilarious" bit that got chopped:

LAVERNE STAMPS HER FOOT.  THE PRIEST REOPENS THE DOOR.

PRIEST

What's the matter?

LAVERNE

Nothin!  My knees fell asleep.

The Script That Shall Not Be Named Has Landed!!

I wasn't expecting it until Friday!  I'll try not to post spoilers ahead of my analysis, but it appears to be complete and in good shape.  Post to follow soon, by this weekend at the latest.

Excerpts from the "Chorus Line" script

Revised shooting script October 3, 1978.  The episode opens at the Pizza Bowl, with Frank instructing Edna about the Pizza Bowl.  I have absolutely no memory of this scene, including him explaining "stinky pie."  Fredna kiss.  Laverne comes in and thinks it's cute.

Frank refuses to loan Laverne fifty bucks to audition for West Side Story.  I vaguely recall this scene, like Laverne singing "I Love My Daddy," but I definitely don't remember Lenny & Squiggy singing "I Feel Pretty."

Jumping ahead to the tag on p. 32-33, Laverne is soaking her aching feet when Shirley comes home (from saving the buffalo).  Laverne nonetheless agrees to go dancing with Shirley and two guys.

Wow, I mostly remember the Toni Basil parts, and Carmine training Laverne.  The rest of this stuff is a blur, if it even got shot.

Excerpts from the "Drunken Sailor" script

So for reasons I can't fully explain (I was not a drunken sailor), I've purchased the shooting script for the "Monastery" episode from eBay.  And while I'm waiting for that to arrive, I'm going to make some notes on excerpts from other scripts available there.  (You can use the zoom function.)  First up, "What to Do with a Drunken Sailor."  (Note, the episode aired in question form as "What Do You with a Drunken Sailor?", which I believe is a song reference.)  Dated September 11, 1979, airdate October 18th of that year, so roughly a five-week turnaround.  A "revised shooting script," as I believe these all are.

As the episode opens, Laverne, Shirley, Frank, and Edna are returning from church.  Shirley found the sermon "uplifting," but Frank hits Laverne for laughing, at Edna's funny faces as it turns out.  Now, wait a minute, the DeFazios are Catholic and Shirley is Protestant and Edna is, I don't know?

The next page reveals it was Mass and Edna made funny faces because she was kneeling in gum.  I can see why this scene was cut.

We jump ahead to p. 16.  Bobby and Shirley are doing their "what a guy/gal" routine and Laverne wants to join in because all her family does is "throw meatballs."  Also, Shirley bleached Bobby's blue socks white.  (If the meatballs and bleach happened in the actual episode, I've blocked it out.)

Jumping ahead to p. 23, Shirley's money is missing and Laverne suspects Bobby.

Pp. 45-47 for the tag, with Shirley writing in her diary, as she does in the actual episode.  I haven't watched the episode in awhile, but I think Lenny & Squiggy wanting to use the girls' tub, because they're growing tomatoes in theirs, was kept.  Interestingly, one part is crossed out, but then a handwritten note clarifies which part to cut out.

More about Lenny & Squiggy in MAD Magazine

A cameo from the "Shmork & Windy" parody, illustrated by Angelo Torres, written by Lou Silverstone, "additional dialogue" by Dick DeBartolo, sorry for the blurriness.

LENNY: Lenny...to Squiggy...I have a sighting!
SQUIGGY: Is it a UFO?
LENNY: Better!  Laverne is taking a shower with the shades up!

There is no explanation for what they're doing in Boulder, Colorado, or the 1970s, but hey, at least Lavenny gets a (stalkerish) shout-out.