Revised Shooting Script of "The Monastery Show," Act Two, Scene D

We're back in the Common Room, during the day.  (These are all day scenes so far.)

THE ROOM IS SET UP FOR WORK PERIOD.  WE  SEE POTTERY WHEELS AND CRAFT TABLES WITH CLAY, TOOLS, ETC.  BEHIND THESE ARE VASES, MUGS, BOWLS, ETC.  AT THE SIDE OF THE ROOM IS A HUGE POTTERY KILN.  ON THE WALL IS A HUGE PORTRAIT OF SAINT ANDREW, THE DEVINE, WITH HIS FINGER TO HIS LIPS.  UNDER IT IS THE CAPTION "SHHHHH".

NUNS SIT SILENTLY AT THEIR TABLES OR WHEELS UNTIL THE WORK BELL RINGS, AT WHICH TIME SOME OF THEM, INCLUDING SISTER MARGARET, START PUMPING THE WHEELS WITH THEIR FEET, STARTING THEM SPINNING.  THE WHEEL NEXT TO SISTER MARGARET IS LEFT EMPTY.

A NUN NEXT TO SISTER MARGARET TAPS HER ON THE SHOULDER AND IN SIGN LANGUAGE SAYS, "WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?"  SISTER MARGARET SHRUGS.  THE NUN SIGNS, "TO GET TO THE OTHER SIDE" AND THEY BOTH LAUGH SILENTLY.  AS THIS HAPPENS, THREE NUNS SINGING CROSS THROUGH.

LAVERNE ENTERS, WITH THE MOTHER SUPERIOR, WHO POINTS TO THE VACANT POTTERY WHEEL.

MOTHER SUPERIOR

Alright, this is your pottery wheel, this is your clay, here's your water, that's the kiln over there.  Be careful, it's hot as... Well, we send naughty nuns there.  Don't laugh.  It's against the rules.  Any questions?  Don't ask, also against the rules.  You'll catch on.

LAVERNE PICKS UP A PIECE OF CLAY, SITS DOWN AT THE WHEEL AND STARTS PUMPING.  MOTHER SUPERIOR WALKS OVER TO SISTER TERESA, WHO IS PUTTING THE FINISHING TOUCHES ON A BEAUTIFUL BUST.

MOTHER SUPERIOR (CONT'D)

Fine work, Sister Teresa.  I'm sure the Convent will reap great rewards from the work you've done on your bust.

SISTER TERESA SMILES AND THE MOTHER SUPERIOR EXITS.

That whole page or so got cut.  Reasons why:

1. Too much set-up and time away from the star.
2. Unfilmable things like the sign-language joke.  (Were they going to use subtitles or something?)
3. Questionable humor, like "hot as..." and "work you've done on your bust."

The episode picks up after this point, with Laverne struggling with the pottery wheel, and Sister Margaret trying to help her.

Then it's "a short time later" in the Common Room, and the singing nuns pass through, while in the episode they continue to sing as Laverne tries to communicate, "That is beautiful" to Sister Margaret, only to accidentally destroy Margaret's vase.  The script has "SISTER MARGARET MOUTHS AN ANGRY EXPLETIVE," which is again unfilmable.  But the whole thing of Sister Teresa trying to choke Laverne after Laverne ruins her "statue" as the script calls it (more like just the head in the episode) is there in both versions.

The scene onscreen ends with Mother Superior entering and exclaiming, "Merciful heavens!"  But the script has quite a bit more, showing Sister Margaret trying to protect Laverne.

MOTHER SUPERIOR

Merciful heavens!  Just what is going on here?

SISTER MARGARET GESTURES, "I DON'T KNOW."

MOTHER SUPERIOR (CONT'D)

(TO LAVERNE) Did you do this?

SISTER MARGARET SHAKES HER HANDS.

MOTHER SUPERIOR (CONT'D)

Okay, who's responsible for this?  Remember sisters, you cannot tell a lie.

EVERYONE POINTS TO LAVERNE.

MOTHER SUPERIOR (CONT'D)

No surprise there.  Well, Miss De Fazio.

LAVERNE STARTS TO SNEEZE.  SISTER MARGARET STIFLES IT.

MOTHER SUPERIOR (CONT'D)

What should we do with you?

SISTER MARGARET SCRATCHES LAVERNE'S HEAD, AND GESTURES "I DON'T KNOW."  THE NUNS POINT UP.

MOTHER SUPERIOR (CONT'D)

Even I don't have the power to send her there.  Besides, I'm not even sure she'd make it up there if I did.

THE SISTERS GIVE THE "THUMBS OUT" SIGN.

MOTHER SUPERIOR (CONT'D)

I suppose I could give her the old heave ho.

LAVERNE

Oh, please let me stay.  I really want God to forgive me.  Please, I beg you.

MOTHER SUPERIOR

Alright.  I'll give you one more chance.  After all, the Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away,  I just hope we're able to giveth our next insurance premium before you taketh away the rest of our pottery.

AS WE:

CUT TO:

{Scene E}

Should this all been cut?  Well, it's not particularly funny, but that's not really a concern for this episode, is it?  I suppose it does develop Sister Margaret's character a bit more, although that's not really necessary.  In contrast to the bell-ringing scene (we'll get there), it shows Laverne really trying, not deliberately screwing up.  I have to point out that no one instructs Laverne (even non-verbally) how to use a potter's wheel, and she's just left to "catch on."

Also, while the scene is mostly slapstick, we do get a little more insight into Laverne connecting her stay in the convent with obtaining God's forgiveness.  The question is, what does pottery have to do with that?  I mean, nothing against pottery, but how is that "holier" than bottle-capping or gift-wrapping?  Shouldn't Laverne be praying and reflecting?  Is it that she's providing free albeit incompetent labor?   And, um, what does that have to do with what happened on the ship, or drinking, or whatever specifically she's trying to get forgiveness for?

And isn't causing the nuns to lose their tempers a good argument to give her the old heave ho?  Or was Laverne sent as a test for everyone?