Revised Shooting Script of "The Monastery Show," Act One, Scene A

So deep breath.  I'm going to rewatch the episode and compare it to the Revised Shooting Script (from December 7, 1982, four weeks before air date).  There are some definite differences, although I think they raise more questions than they answer.  And I'll do this scene by scene, because that's all I can take at a time.  (Plus I'll transcribe where necessary.)

P. 1, the most important thing here is that there's no mention of Laverne's outfit.  Now, I understand that probably wardrobe decisions were made outside of the script, but under the circumstances, doesn't it matter that Laverne's sleeve is ripped and her L almost torn off?  It does say that Laverne was supposed to "clear her throat" and "whistle nervously," which she doesn't do in the episode as shot.

Here's what got cut out after the priest (on p. 2) says that she'll need a full shift to hear fifteen years of Confession:

LAVERNE

I'll hurry.  Fourteen and a half years ago my father sent me to bed without any supper.  I was so angry that I snuck into his bedroom and cut the tag off his mattress.

THE PRIEST LAUGHS AND QUICKLY RECOVERS.

PRIEST

I believe it was Luke who first mentioned mattress tags.  But I have to believe that some greater burden has brought you here today.

THERE IS A BEAT OF SILENCE.

LAVERNE

You can say that again.

Then it picks up with "Okay, here goes...."

If you're getting the feeling that the episode could somehow have been even worse than what aired in '83, fasten your seatbelts.  But, yeah, at least we didn't get a "Do not remove under penalty" joke transitioning to her "greater burden."

The next part is pretty much what aired, with minor changes in phrasing, e.g. "You know who Buddy Holly was?" instead of "You know who he was?"  I will note that it's "the Big horn," and don't ask me why "big" is capitalized.

One part though is actually worse as aired.  Here's the script, from p. 3:

PRIEST

(WHISTLES) Oooh baby.

On the episode this became

PRIEST

Oh, Baby!

LAVERNE

They said that, too.

After the priest says that "of course" God will forgive her, we get some more cut dialogue:

PRIEST

...Now, we've got the mattress tag and the ship.  Anything else?

LAVERNE

No, that's it.

PRIEST

Add on lying to a priest.

LAVERNE

Okay, add it on.

I understand that they had to follow up on the "mattress tag" part to give that some pay-off, but seriously?  Equating that to either gang-rape or Laverne consensually if drunkenly having sex with X number of sailors?  And, then, ha ha, Laverne is lying that these are her only "sins" in fifteen years.  No, just no.

It goes into the "abacus" sequence.  And, with a little bit of rephrasing, the part about penance is the same as in the episode as aired.  Note that here and elsewhere, "Divine" is misspelled as "Devine," which, yes, got past four writers and all the cast.  (A minor detail perhaps but a sign of the sloppiness of the writing.  To err is human, to forgive this episode is devine.)

The last part of the scene, on p. 5, has this "hilarious" bit that got chopped:

LAVERNE STAMPS HER FOOT.  THE PRIEST REOPENS THE DOOR.

PRIEST

What's the matter?

LAVERNE

Nothin!  My knees fell asleep.