"That's Entertainment" script, Scene M

OK, first of all, I think that in this version (unlike the taped version, where it's more debatable) this is much more Frank's fantasy than Carmine's, since he's the one talking about opera in Scene L.  Not that this wouldn't be strange if it were Carmine's or an collaboration, but it's something to bear in mind as we proceed.  Also, it's eight pages long and, unlike most of the other scenes, did not get severely chopped.  Furthermore, there's no tag in the script, so this is what viewers were meant to be left with.  And away we go....

"The place [the girls' apartment] is redressed to look like Mimi's place in 'La Boheme.'  Shirley enters as 'Mimi,' a frail waif who suffers from consumption and a really irritating cough.  To make this easier (and therefore feasible as a wrap-around show), most of the songs will be pre-recorded by operatically-trained voices.  The characters use their real voices in the talking parts."

"Mimi's" lyrics for "Dawn Passage from 'William Tell Overture" are as on the episode.  There are no additional stage directions, until "The door bursts open, and a disgruntled Laverne (as Brunhilde in breastplate and horned helmet) enters.  She slams the door behind her."  Disgruntled!

Shirley does not call her "Brunhilde, my sister" in the script but just "Brunhilde."

The lyrics to "La Donna e Mobile" are as on the episode, but on the episode Shirley knocks on Laverne's shield, while in the script "before Laverne can continue, Shirley covers Laverne's mouth."  Yes, the lyrics are unchanged for "Habanera."

"Lenny and Squiggy enter.  Squiggy is dressed as Baron Scarpia from 'Tosca,' Lenny as the befeathered Papgeno from 'Magic Flute.' "

Squiggy's lines are the same as in the episode, but in the script he introduces his assistant as "LENNY-O, LENNY-O, LENNY-O."  I like "Leonard Feather" better for its literalism.

"The Anvil Chorus" section is mostly unchanged, but Lenny was supposed to accompany Squiggy on "Do you have the rent?  The money that you owe me!"  And at the end of the song, Squiggy commanded, "Lenny-o, Lenny-o, Lenny-o, evict themmmmm-ee-oh!", rather than just telling Lenny to throw them out.

And there were these stage directions: "Squiggy turns his back to the girls as Lenny starts to grab them.  Frank, dressed as Falstaff, and Rhonda, dressed as Madame Butterfly, enter through the kitchen door."  In the episode, Lenny just moves towards the girls, and they call to their father before he and Rhonda enter.  Lenny crying, "Mother!" when Laverne hits him with her shield was added.

The "'March of the Toreadors' from Carmen" is much the same, although Lenny was supposed to sing "We'll evict you, too," rather than "I'll evict you, too."

Here are some dropped lyrics and stage directions:

LAVERNE GRABS HER PIGGY BANK AND TO A DOMINANT 7TH CHORD BREAKS THE BANK, AND SINGS:

LAVERNE

It's all I have.

SQUIGGY

It's not enough!

SHIRLEY/FRANK/RHONDA

But we are poor!

LENNY/SQUIGGY

Well, that's just tough.

THE MUSIC HOLDS A LA A BARBERSHOP QUARTET, THEN SQUIGGY LUSTILY APPROACHES SHIRLEY.

Then we get "Hungarian Rhapsody #2" lyrics, much as on the episode.  After Lenny explains what Squiggy's offer is (the package deal), "Laverne is intrigued by this, mulls it over and starts to move closer to Lenny till Shirley muzzles her."  In the episode, she's already standing next to him but it's hard to tell yet if she's "intrigued."  Shirley is standing next to Squiggy and sings her rejection to his face.  But in the script, "Laverne breaks free and drags Shirley off to one side and speaks to her in sotto tones."  There is no ear-blowing from Leonard.  The dialogue about "butting out" is the same, but there's no smiling return to the feathered gentleman.

So, remember Frank, the one whose fantasy this?  He is also intrigued, by the idea of his daughters marrying these guys so they won't all be "kicked out" ("thrown out" in the episode) into the streets.  In the script, Squiggy says, "You got it, oh rotundous one," while in the episode this is improved to "That is correct, Mustachioed Character Actor."  (Seriously, McElroy and Strawther had issues about Frank's weight.)

We go back to the "Hungarian Rhapsody #2" for lyrics that are just like on the episode, although the stage directions (including poor Lenny getting hit with Laverne's shield again) are different.  After Lenny sings that "he'd love to take advantage of" Laverne, he "grabs Laverne."  And after Squiggy sings that he's "adorable and sweet," he grabs Shirley.

Carmine enters as "Canio the Clown from 'I Pagliacci.' "  After Squiggy asks, "Who's this clown?", Shirley "breaks free and rushes to Carmine."  Note, Laverne apparently is in no hurry to break free from Lenny grabbing her.

Shirley et al. sing to "Beethoven's Ninth Symphony (Song of Joy)," with the lyrics that would be on the episode.  However, Lenny and Laverne nuzzling and almost kissing was added, as was Squiggy saying Lenny didn't tell him that Carmine was the sword-fighting champ of France, and Lenny replying, "Sorry."

"Carmine and Squiggy draw weapons and begin to fight.  Shirley jumps on Lenny's back and starts to hit him.  Laverne tries to protect him.  Frank and Rhonda watch as a chorus."  And they were supposed to be the only two singing the fight commentary to "Ride of the Valkyries."

After Squiggy's "very dramatic death scene" and Laverne's death announcement, Lenny says, "That's OK.  I never liked him much anyway," which I think isn't quite as good as the "never cared much" of the episode.

"Carmine and Shirley embrace.  Lenny and Laverne embrace.  Frank and Rhonda join them.  Squiggy twitches."  As you know, that's not quite how it plays out in the episode.  And do Frank and Rhonda join them as in standing closer to the couples, or were they indeed supposed to join the embracing?

Carmine and Shirley sing unchanged lyrics for "Love Theme from 'Romeo & Juliet' (Overture)."  Shirley accidentally holding the dead man's hand was added, as was all that smoochin'.

And then we get the "1812 Overture," with Lavenny's baby-making lyrics intact.

"All join for rousing finish, singing now to crowd and/or camera.  The following is mostly sung by the women with the men singing the simultaneous bass horn part (indicated by parentheses).  For those of you who have no idea what we're talking about, listen to ending of '1812 Overture.'  If still puzzled, don't ever major in music." !!!

The lyrics (except for the men's parentheses) are much the same, although the opera "wasn't very low," rather than "wasn't very long," and of course everyone (but Squiggy's singer) sings.  There's no Lenny chivalrously picking up Laverne's helmet, no Squiggy coming back from the dead, just "finish and out.  The End."  And, yeah, no tag.

So let's put Frank on the shrink's couch for a moment.  It is him shipping himself with Rhonda, it is not surprisingly him shipping Shirmine, and, looky there, it is him shipping Lavenny!  Even if this version of the scene is less romantic than what aired, the basic elements are present.  He thinks his daughter would be intrigued by the idea of marrying Lenny, and of course providing Frank with four-plus grandkids.  He also wants Squiggy dead.

"That's Entertainment" script, Scene L

Another set-up scene, just two pages.  This scene opens with Frank and Carmine laughing, although not convulsively.  In the scene as shot, Carmine is picking up an order to deliver to the customer.  He says every generation has good and bad music.  In the script, Frank admits that he might be old-fashioned, but Carmine says they've both realized that good music is good music.  Then he admits that he doesn't understand "some of these new songs" himself.  Frank admits he didn't like some of the old stuff.  This conversation feels like it's spinning its wheels and I'm glad that it was mostly dropped, even if the stuff with the customer isn't hilarious.

In both versions Frank says his parents liked opera but it hurt his ears, "especially when the 'fat guy' would sing."  In the script, Carmine indirectly insults Frank's weight and singing, by holding his ears and saying, "I see what you mean!"  In the scene as shot, he starts singing opera, too, and the poor customer can't get his food.

Yay, operetta next time!  I promise it's worth the wait....

"That's Entertainment" script, Scene K

This scene was "shot December 15, 1981," I'm guessing to accommodate McKean's Spinal Tap schedule, although this date is one week before the date of the script.  The scene was about four pages in the script.

The boys' introduction of the song is similar to what aired, but in the script, Squiggy says, "Good word" to Lenny's use of "distinguishments," and then Lenny says, "Thank you," while there's an almost flirty feeling to Lenny's "I knew you would" in the episode.  And there's no "Let's feel good" cue to the band, it just goes right into the lyrics.  (I'm going to assume that "hicked up pants" was a typo that Lander corrected.)

When the boys get professorial about the history of music, Chuck Berry being inaccurately ten years old in October 1941 isn't the only thing Squiggy marvels over in the script:

SQUIGGY

Elvis was five!

LENNY
Squig, relax...

SQUIGGY

John Lennon was blowing out his first birthday candle!

LENNY

He gets a little excited over the scope of this thing.

SQUIGGY

But the point is, it don't matter whether you call it stone-age rock and roll or dixieland or an overbite...

LENNY

Or just "man's inhumanity to peace and quiet."

SQUIGGY

It's here for the fun of it so can the chatter and...

They go back to the song.  Note that Elvis was six, but John Lennon (who had been killed just over a year before this scene was filmed) was indeed born in October 1940.  As with so much of this episode, the dialogue was trimmed to make things smoother and snappier, but I like some of the turns of phrase here.  (I guess Spooky Tooth would count as a band in the "overbite" genre.  Cue the hipster skeleton drummer doing a rimshot.)

Towards the end of the scene, we get "intense jamming.  Police arrive and arrest the band."  The way this plays out is much funnier than the description of course.

"That's Entertainment" script, Scene J

Yes, there's no Scene I.  We begin Act Two with another set-up scene, this time two pages long.  In the script, "Frank is doing movements similar to Carmine's dance steps in D scene" [sic].  Then he bows and touches the floor with one hand but needs Carmine's help getting back up and sitting down.  In the episode, the two of them are already sitting.  Carmine says that music has changed so dancing has changed.  Frank says that it sounds like men tearing up the street.  Carmine says Frank would like rock & roll if he gave it a chance, and Carmine starts naming off some bands.  Then we fade to Lenny and Squiggy and their California band.  But it's, again, longer in the script:

FRANK

You ask me, I think it's noise.  It ain't romantic.  You can't dance to it.  The way kids dress nowadays, you can't tell the boys from the girls anyway.

CARMINE

(SMILING) I can.  Mr. DeFazio, you gotta keep up with the times.  There's a lot of good music out there.

FRANK

I'd rather stick with my kind of music.  I don't want to be some middle-aged teeny-bumper.

CARMINE

That's teeny-bopper.

FRANK

Whatever.

CARMINE

Mr. DeFazio, I know you'd like rock and roll if you gave it a chance.  Have you heard the Sopwith Camel, the Strawberry Alarm Clock, The Electric Prunes...

FRANK

Are those the groups or the songs?

A couple things going on here.  Frank is again asserting he'd rather stick with what he knows and what fits with his generation, while Carmine argues that Frank should keep with the times and keep an open mind.  Also, Carmine's list of groups (no, they're not songs) are heavy on the psychedelic rock, suggesting that this takes place in the Summer of Love or later.  The episode as aired blurs both points, in order to move things along and not spend as much time on set-up.  Another thing I never really thought about before was that the girls started calling Mrs. Babish "Edna" fairly early on, but I don't think Carmine ever got to the point of calling Mr. DeFazio "Frank."

"That's Entertainment" script, Scene H

That's right, there's no Scene F or G.  The two-page dialogue-less dance number obviously has to follow Scene E's set-up, but it's H.

The script breaks down the specific sections of the dance, in some cases saying how many bars they last.  And, yes, the mirror shots are here, although there were only supposed to be six max of Laverne and I count at least a dozen in one shot.

Maybe it's the rapport Eddie and Penny had, but it's actually flirtier onscreen (to the extent it is) than in the script, where she does not, for instance, jump into his arms.

And thus ends Act One.

"That's Entertainment" script, Scene E

And we're back to Cowboy Bill's for another set-up scene.  For some reason Carmine and Frank enter again, but from where?  Frank is "finishing his interpretation of the sketch."

FRANK

(NURSE'S VOICE) Doctor, Mrs. Kolodny wants you to come over and deliver her baby.  (DOC VOICE) Tell her I'll mail it to her in the morning.

FRANK AND CARMINE HAVE HYSTERIC CONVULSIONS OF LAUGHTER.

In the episode, they just laugh, not convulsively.  We get the exchange about Carmine being a singer and dancer, not a comedian.  The impatient customer does not appear in this version.  Instead, there's this:

FRANK

So hold on, we had the best of some of those, too.  George M. Cohan, Eddie Cantor, Al Jolson... get me?

CARMINE

You want me to perform in blackface?

FRANK

Funny, Carmine.  I'm makin' a point here...

Frank taking Carmine by the hand and dancing into the fade is not in this version.

Again, I think the scene as shot was an improvement.  This version is trying too hard and the "blackface" joke wouldn't have worked even in the early '80s.  I do have to wonder, was Frank's "nurse voice" like Carmine and his "doc voice" like Shirley, or did he go with the more traditional genders?

"That's Entertainment" script, Scene D

This eight-page scene is set in "a typical doctor's examination room."  There's supposed to be "a pin up of a muscle builder" on the wall, but I've
never noticed it.  The skeleton drummer is supposed to have "a cigarette dangl[ing] from one lip" (what lip?) and "a fedora sits very jauntily to one side of the skull a la a very hip musician/drummer."  That would've been interesting, but I guess the prop department didn't go for it.

Shirley's entrance is much like on the episode, although she calls the mooing patient "Mr. Jackson."  But then "Shirley stops next to the muscle builder picture and lustily growls at it.  She sees the door open and quickly pulls down a chart in front of the picture, which shows the same pose, but medical chart style, depicting the veins, arteries, lungs, etc."

In the episode, she sits at her desk, but in the script she remains standing, so after Carmine enters "sexily" and asks if she wants him,  and she says she has a headache, she "pats him on cheek."

After she "raises his blood pressure" with a kiss and asks him to remind her to do that four times a day, there's this omitted dialogue:

CARMINE

Did you operate this morning, Doctor?

SHIRLEY

Yes, on Mr. Wolfson.  I gave him a heart transplant.

CARMINE

He was only supposed to have his appendix removed.

SHIRLEY

(SNAPS FINGERS) Darn!  I told him to get a second opinion.

In the script, Shirley is supposed to "growl" at the sight of Carmine's bottom.  On the other hand, her little spank before he leaves the room was added.

Instead of the "tongue depressors" joke, there's this:

SHIRLEY CROSSES TO MIRROR ON THE WALL AND EXAMINES HER EYES.

SHIRLEY

Look at those eyes.  (PUTS TONGUE DEPRESSOR IN MOUTH AND LOOKS)  Look at that mouth.  I gotta get a doctor.

In the script, Frank notices the sign about the rates so he exits and comes in again, while in the episode he just pretends he's been there before.  The episode omits Shirley's line, "We don't validate parking."

Frank's visit is very brief in the episode, while in the script it goes on for about four and a half pages, full of corny medical jokes.  Considering this is Frank's "fantasy," it's worth mentioning that he's not only a rather smutty Shirmine shipper, but he imagines this exchange:

FRANK

...Do you want me to take my clothes off?

SHIRLEY

Sure do.  But there's no rush.  First we'll talk... maybe have a drink.

And when Frank calls her "a pretty poor excuse for a doctor," she replies, "You're not so bad-looking yourself, buster," I guess in response to the "pretty" part.  But, yes, this is more memorably a scene about Shirley's lust for Carmine.  In the episode, she again kisses Carmine while he's lying down on the examination table, but in the script, she "grabs Carmine, drags him to the floor and kisses him passionately."

I'm not sure why this scene was toned down (unlike the "operetta," which we'll get to), but it's probably just as well it was shortened.

"That's Entertainment" script, Scene C

It's "Cowboy Bill's - Later."  It can't be that much later since, as on the episode, "Frank and Carmine enter singing their own versions of 'Blue Moon.' "  The dialogue is pretty much the same between the script and episode, but there's no mention of the Ritz Brothers in the script.  Also, the stuff with Carmine putting on an apron and starting to clean tables does not come up in the script, although his "waitressing" was mentioned earlier.  The scene is four pages, which seems kind of long for a transitional scene.

"Penny Marshall & Cindy Williams" book, Chapter Three

Cindy explains that she didn't grow up "dirt poor" but "lower middle class," yes, like Shirley.  Also, like Shirley, Cindy was an optimist.  And like Penny, she's half-Italian, although on the mother's side.  She got her sense of humor from both parents.

She wanted to be a nurse, "but the sight of blood was my downfall," interesting in light of how interested Shirley would be in medicine, and doctors.  Like Penny, she worked as a secretary for awhile but really wanted to get into show biz.

There is no mention of her father's alcoholism, perhaps not surprisingly.  It does mention that his death when she was 21 hit her hard.

The chapter seems to end around '71, as she goes to an interview with Garry Marshall, who told her (when she weighed 132 pounds), "I like you; you're like a chunky Barbara Harris."

This chapter doesn't have any of the memorable anecdotes of Williams's Shirley, I Jest and makes Cindy seem like a much less colorful character than Penny.

"That's Entertainment" script, Scene B

"Int. Stage," which is described as "a very simple, elegant setting."  If by that you mean Rhonda in front of a blue curtain, then sure.  Interestingly, she was supposed to sing in three styles, not two.  We do get her singing as a "torch-singer a la Helen Morgan of the 1930's."  But the '40s style isn't in this draft, and the second page of the scene goes straight into the '50s, as on the episode.  Maybe they wanted more of a contrast. 

Then we dissolve to Scene C....

"That's Entertainment" script, Scene A

So, I found a website that sells PDFs of scripts for $10 each, and of the ten Laverne & Shirley scripts available, I decided on this one to start with, because it is such an odd episode, narratively and otherwise.  It is, as I noted in my review, the only L&S script written by either Etan McElroy or Larry Strawther, so I'm curious to see what their "revised final draft," from December 22, 1981 for an episode that would air two and a half months later, is like.

First off, I have to note that the list of sets matches neither the episode as aired nor the script.  It was supposed to be "Girls' Apartment" (presumably downstairs), "Girls' Bedroom," and "Ballroom."  How it ended up with the framework of Cowboy Bill's, I have no idea.

Scene A is, as broadcast, set in the downstairs of the Girls' Apartment, at "night," although I'd say "evening" is more accurate.  Frank is watching Carmine sing "It's Not Unusual," like "Tom Jones with squat thrusts and pelvic grinding."  Carmine does indeed do these movements, although it's mostly shown from the waist up.  The lyrics go on for almost two pages (of the six for this scene), which is thankfully cut short in the episode as aired.

The dialogue between Frank and Carmine is pretty much as we'd hear it.  Until we get to the part where Carmine talks about Frank taking him to a Dodgers game and comparing the L.A. team to the Brooklyn team.  This is the comparison in the script:

CARMINE

Oh yeah, what about when I took you to see Goldfinger" [their typo, not mine] and all you talked about is how they don't make movies like "Gone with the Wind."

FRANK

I'd like to see 007 make a dress outta drapes.

When asked to suggest a "nice song," Mr. DeFazio first goes with "Inka Dinka Doo" by Jimmy Durante.  Carmine says that nowadays people listen to songs that mean something.  So Frank asks what the lyrics are to the number one song that week.  Carmine reluctantly recites from "Hanky Panky" by Tommy James and the Shondells.  (That song hit the charts in 1966, if that's any help with chronology on this show.)

Mr. DeFazio wants Carmine to "waitress" since the girls aren't home.  (This sort of answers my question about why Carmine is waiting on tables in this episode.)  Then they argue about whether "Blue Moon" is a ballad or a rock & roll song.

They "exit arguing as we dissolve to" Scene B....

I don't expect any "Monastery" level changes from script to screen, but I'd say that for the most part this scene is smoother and snappier as aired, although I like the "drapes" line.