"That's Entertainment" script, Scene M

OK, first of all, I think that in this version (unlike the taped version, where it's more debatable) this is much more Frank's fantasy than Carmine's, since he's the one talking about opera in Scene L.  Not that this wouldn't be strange if it were Carmine's or an collaboration, but it's something to bear in mind as we proceed.  Also, it's eight pages long and, unlike most of the other scenes, did not get severely chopped.  Furthermore, there's no tag in the script, so this is what viewers were meant to be left with.  And away we go....

"The place [the girls' apartment] is redressed to look like Mimi's place in 'La Boheme.'  Shirley enters as 'Mimi,' a frail waif who suffers from consumption and a really irritating cough.  To make this easier (and therefore feasible as a wrap-around show), most of the songs will be pre-recorded by operatically-trained voices.  The characters use their real voices in the talking parts."

"Mimi's" lyrics for "Dawn Passage from 'William Tell Overture" are as on the episode.  There are no additional stage directions, until "The door bursts open, and a disgruntled Laverne (as Brunhilde in breastplate and horned helmet) enters.  She slams the door behind her."  Disgruntled!

Shirley does not call her "Brunhilde, my sister" in the script but just "Brunhilde."

The lyrics to "La Donna e Mobile" are as on the episode, but on the episode Shirley knocks on Laverne's shield, while in the script "before Laverne can continue, Shirley covers Laverne's mouth."  Yes, the lyrics are unchanged for "Habanera."

"Lenny and Squiggy enter.  Squiggy is dressed as Baron Scarpia from 'Tosca,' Lenny as the befeathered Papgeno from 'Magic Flute.' "

Squiggy's lines are the same as in the episode, but in the script he introduces his assistant as "LENNY-O, LENNY-O, LENNY-O."  I like "Leonard Feather" better for its literalism.

"The Anvil Chorus" section is mostly unchanged, but Lenny was supposed to accompany Squiggy on "Do you have the rent?  The money that you owe me!"  And at the end of the song, Squiggy commanded, "Lenny-o, Lenny-o, Lenny-o, evict themmmmm-ee-oh!", rather than just telling Lenny to throw them out.

And there were these stage directions: "Squiggy turns his back to the girls as Lenny starts to grab them.  Frank, dressed as Falstaff, and Rhonda, dressed as Madame Butterfly, enter through the kitchen door."  In the episode, Lenny just moves towards the girls, and they call to their father before he and Rhonda enter.  Lenny crying, "Mother!" when Laverne hits him with her shield was added.

The "'March of the Toreadors' from Carmen" is much the same, although Lenny was supposed to sing "We'll evict you, too," rather than "I'll evict you, too."

Here are some dropped lyrics and stage directions:

LAVERNE GRABS HER PIGGY BANK AND TO A DOMINANT 7TH CHORD BREAKS THE BANK, AND SINGS:

LAVERNE

It's all I have.

SQUIGGY

It's not enough!

SHIRLEY/FRANK/RHONDA

But we are poor!

LENNY/SQUIGGY

Well, that's just tough.

THE MUSIC HOLDS A LA A BARBERSHOP QUARTET, THEN SQUIGGY LUSTILY APPROACHES SHIRLEY.

Then we get "Hungarian Rhapsody #2" lyrics, much as on the episode.  After Lenny explains what Squiggy's offer is (the package deal), "Laverne is intrigued by this, mulls it over and starts to move closer to Lenny till Shirley muzzles her."  In the episode, she's already standing next to him but it's hard to tell yet if she's "intrigued."  Shirley is standing next to Squiggy and sings her rejection to his face.  But in the script, "Laverne breaks free and drags Shirley off to one side and speaks to her in sotto tones."  There is no ear-blowing from Leonard.  The dialogue about "butting out" is the same, but there's no smiling return to the feathered gentleman.

So, remember Frank, the one whose fantasy this?  He is also intrigued, by the idea of his daughters marrying these guys so they won't all be "kicked out" ("thrown out" in the episode) into the streets.  In the script, Squiggy says, "You got it, oh rotundous one," while in the episode this is improved to "That is correct, Mustachioed Character Actor."  (Seriously, McElroy and Strawther had issues about Frank's weight.)

We go back to the "Hungarian Rhapsody #2" for lyrics that are just like on the episode, although the stage directions (including poor Lenny getting hit with Laverne's shield again) are different.  After Lenny sings that "he'd love to take advantage of" Laverne, he "grabs Laverne."  And after Squiggy sings that he's "adorable and sweet," he grabs Shirley.

Carmine enters as "Canio the Clown from 'I Pagliacci.' "  After Squiggy asks, "Who's this clown?", Shirley "breaks free and rushes to Carmine."  Note, Laverne apparently is in no hurry to break free from Lenny grabbing her.

Shirley et al. sing to "Beethoven's Ninth Symphony (Song of Joy)," with the lyrics that would be on the episode.  However, Lenny and Laverne nuzzling and almost kissing was added, as was Squiggy saying Lenny didn't tell him that Carmine was the sword-fighting champ of France, and Lenny replying, "Sorry."

"Carmine and Squiggy draw weapons and begin to fight.  Shirley jumps on Lenny's back and starts to hit him.  Laverne tries to protect him.  Frank and Rhonda watch as a chorus."  And they were supposed to be the only two singing the fight commentary to "Ride of the Valkyries."

After Squiggy's "very dramatic death scene" and Laverne's death announcement, Lenny says, "That's OK.  I never liked him much anyway," which I think isn't quite as good as the "never cared much" of the episode.

"Carmine and Shirley embrace.  Lenny and Laverne embrace.  Frank and Rhonda join them.  Squiggy twitches."  As you know, that's not quite how it plays out in the episode.  And do Frank and Rhonda join them as in standing closer to the couples, or were they indeed supposed to join the embracing?

Carmine and Shirley sing unchanged lyrics for "Love Theme from 'Romeo & Juliet' (Overture)."  Shirley accidentally holding the dead man's hand was added, as was all that smoochin'.

And then we get the "1812 Overture," with Lavenny's baby-making lyrics intact.

"All join for rousing finish, singing now to crowd and/or camera.  The following is mostly sung by the women with the men singing the simultaneous bass horn part (indicated by parentheses).  For those of you who have no idea what we're talking about, listen to ending of '1812 Overture.'  If still puzzled, don't ever major in music." !!!

The lyrics (except for the men's parentheses) are much the same, although the opera "wasn't very low," rather than "wasn't very long," and of course everyone (but Squiggy's singer) sings.  There's no Lenny chivalrously picking up Laverne's helmet, no Squiggy coming back from the dead, just "finish and out.  The End."  And, yeah, no tag.

So let's put Frank on the shrink's couch for a moment.  It is him shipping himself with Rhonda, it is not surprisingly him shipping Shirmine, and, looky there, it is him shipping Lavenny!  Even if this version of the scene is less romantic than what aired, the basic elements are present.  He thinks his daughter would be intrigued by the idea of marrying Lenny, and of course providing Frank with four-plus grandkids.  He also wants Squiggy dead.