"The Debutante Ball"

"The Debutante Ball"
May 9, 1978
B+

Heavy Lavenny, cannibalistic Squiggy, and a major class clash?  Let's break this bad boy down....

So, after a hiatus of over two months (I don't remember why, maybe ABC was trying out midseason replacements, maybe the cast beheaded half the writing staff, who knows?), L & S came back with this episode written by Ervin & Roth.  I wouldn't necessarily say that the reason it manages to contain a princess fantasy, rich bitches, and sisterhood solidarity is that two women wrote it, but I wouldn't rule that out either.

Laverne and Shirley are eating Chinese food in their kitchen when they find out that Laverne got an invitation to a debutante ball thrown by The Society of Exiled Royalty.  Laverne assumes it's a joke, but it turns out that Lenny is the Count of Kulakowski, and thus 89th in line for the Polish throne.  (As Squiggy puts it, "One good plague, and the kid is practically a queen.")

Laverne says she can't go because she has nothing to wear, so Squiggy says that his Uncle Elliot's Wax Museum will provide costumes.  For once, Shirley encourages Laverne to go out with Lenny, not because she ships them (I don't think she ever does, quite the opposite), but because it's a debutante ball.  Laverne says that she and rich people don't get along, which we've seen examples of in previous episodes, including the first episode.  And Laverne says there are a million girls who'd want to go out with a count like Lenny.

He replies, "Of course a million girls would like to go with me, but I want to go with you!  I mean, you're pretty and you're smart and you happen to be the classiest girl I know."  Shirley nods eagerly, the audience awws, and Lenny more humbly says, "Please, Laverne."

Laverne smiles and accepts, then curtsies (or "crusties" as Lenny would say) and thanks him.  He says that the simple peasant joy on her face is thanks enough.  But his squire Squiggy says with a wink before they exit, "But if you, uh, want to throw in a little royal voe-dee-oh-doe after the ball, it won't break his heart."  Lenny snickers and then bites his wrist.  (Thanks, Judy and Paula, for keeping it real.)

The actual Lizzie Borden

The next scene takes us immediately to the ball, although presumably a longer episode would've had Shirley helping Laverne learn etiquette.  Lenny is wearing a magician's suit and looks surprisingly elegant, despite the pigeon in his pocket.  (Suit pocket, so please hold back your Mae West quotes.)  Laverne looks like something out of Gone with the Wind but it's actually supposed to be a Lizzie Borden gown.

Lenny gets them champagne by reaching behind the server and taking two glasses.  They share a little giggle together and then toast.  But then he "accosts" a woman who throws a drink in his face and says, "Here, Bumpkin!", so he reciprocates, thinking it's like "cheers."  Laverne knows he's been rude, but she tries to dry off his tuxedo, until she realizes that his handkerchief is actually the magician's long scarf.  She sends him to the restroom.

She accidentally flashes her bloomers when she sits down in the hoop skirt.  Then she has to deal with snobbish women, one of whom refers to "dreadful riffraff, rubbing elbows with the rich."  Laverne says she doesn't want to rub their "crummy elbows," and she's there as a debutante being presented by her friend Lenny, the Count of Kulakowski, and points out the tall man who's wolfing down a sandwich.  She proudly says, "Quite a guy, isn't he?"  The two women are aghast and then amused, deciding he's an impostor.

Then it turns out that newcomers have to present their papers that prove their nobility, but Lenny left his in the Pizza Bowl safe.  So we switch to the basement of the Pizza Bowl, where Squiggy tries to frighten Shirley with tales of "the mummy's tomb."  Mr. DeFazio finds "Lenny's royal papers," and a bottle of 100-year-old wine that he's saving for Laverne's wedding.  Shirley hopes that they can all "take a slug" out of it real soon.

Squiggy comes over to look at the bottle, and the door slams behind him, locking the three of them in.  Now, if Squiggy were trapped in a basement with Shirley and a bottle of wine but without Frank, his thoughts might turn to seduction, but instead they turn to, yes, cannibalism.  Or as he puts it, "devouring their comrades."  She gets comically violent with him.  Mr. DeFazio says they'll just have to sit and wait, but for who?  Mary the waitress?  Big Rosie?  Lenny and Laverne after they get kicked out of the ball?

Back at the ball, Laverne waits impatiently for Shirley, while Lenny has lost his "friend," the pigeon.  When he asks Laverne to cover for him while he looks under a couch, she takes him literally and squats over him so that her hoop skirt covers him while he lies face down on the floor.

We return to the Pizza Bowl basement, where the men are sipping wine and Shirley is desperately trying to escape.  Finally, after some more of Squiggy being scary, Shirley makes it out the barred window, although she later reveals that she is not in fact the perfect Size Five she's been telling us she is for three seasons, but from the waist down she's a Seven or an Eight!

Some time later at the ball, the presentations have apparently been going on long enough for Lenny to have started yawning, while Laverne nervously waits to be presented.  Unfortunately, they don't have Lenny's papers and the guards are called.  Shirley bursts in with the papers and Laverne gets them and hands them over.

One of the snobbish women has the guards release L & L, curtsies, and says, "Oh, my apologies, Your Excellency!"

Lenny chuckles and says, "Well, I'm good, but excellent?", which is a variation on a Groucho line from Duck Soup.  Laverne grins and playfully hits his arm.

Then the snobbiest woman says in disbelief, "They're legitimate?", to which Laverne replies, "Yeah, are you?"  Lenny guffaws and pats her arm.

It's now time for Lenny to present Laverne, so after coming onstage without her, he goes back and leads her by the arm.  He tells her, "You're gonna be fine.  I'm really proud to be here with you, Laverne."  He kisses her cheek and whispers, "Go get 'em!"  She's been rehearsing what she'll say to their host, the duke, but she gives Lenny a look of affectionate surprise.

Unfortunately, she trips going down the ramp, knocks over two or three men, and gets a punch bowl spilled on her.  Lenny comes over and suggests she keep going, "maybe nobody noticed."  He helps her to her feet, but the rich crowd is already laughing heartily.  She tearfully says, "I'm sorry, Len," and exits, to the restroom we discover in the next scene.

Shirley scolds the crowd and then goes to tell Laverne that she "put those people in their place."  She tries to make Laverne laugh, including singing lyrics to "the Blue Danube Waltz by Strauss, the louse," which is the main thing I remember about this episode from the time.  Then more seriously, she gives Laverne a talk about true dignity and class, and makes her see that the people at the ball aren't any better than the gang at the Pizza Bowl.  She gives Laverne the courage and support to go out there and face the snobs again.

While Laverne is looking for Lenny, he comes in with the pigeon perched on his hand, but she doesn't see him.  Then the duke invites her to dance with him for the Duke's Dance.  The snobbiest woman looks shocked, while Lenny looks proud and Shirley looks like one of her fairytale dreams has come true.  Now, note that the duke is an older if distinguished gentleman, and he's not presented as a Prince Charming.  It is the honor of dancing with a duke, and one who admires Laverne's courage and true class, that matters, not a potential romance with a stranger.  Shirley starts crying, so Lenny offers her the magician's long scarf, to her confusion.  Laverne beams at her friends: her roommate who saved the day and her pride, and her neighbor that she seems to appreciate in a fresh way.

AND THEY ALL LIVE HAPPILY AFTER.

The Duke and most of the guest stars aren't credited.  Carmine and Edna are both absent, because they eloped.  Kidding!  (Maybe.)