"The Mummy's Bride," Scenes A and B

We start at "the girls' apartment - night":

LAVERNE ENTERS BRINGING IN THE MAIL.

LAVERNE

One for Shirl, one for me, another for Shirl, another for me, one for Rhonda... ?  Guess the mailman made a mistake.

SHE LOOKS AROUND, SHE TAKES THE LETTER FOR RHONDA AND LOOKS AT THE POSTMARK.

LAVERNE (CONT'D)

Atlantic City.  What guy does Rhonda know in Atlantic City?

SHE HOLDS THE LETTER UP TO THE LIGHT TRYING TO SEE IT, BUT SHE CAN'T.  SHE TEARS THE END OF THE ENVELOPE OPEN.

LAVERNE (CON'TD)

Ooops.  (BLOWS THE ENVELOPE OPEN)  Ooops.  (TAKES THE LETTER OUT)  Ooops.

SHE READS THE LETTER.

LAVERNE (CONT'D)

(READS) "Dear Miss Lee:  if you already sent your payment for the saltwater taffy, please disregard this notice..."

SHE FOLDS THE LETTER BACK UP AND STUFFS IT BACK IN THE ENVELOPE.

LAVERNE (CONT'D)

Oops.

This filler was dropped but the rest of the scene aired.  We then move on to "Cowboy Bill's - the next day."

After Squiggy says that Lenny was "gulping guppies" like a college boy (a line that was rephrased for filming), Laverne was scripted to say, "I don't wanna hear this," to which Lenny replied, "I know what you're thinking, Laverne.  They're not as salty when they're alive."

On the other hand, they added Lenny saying he "swallowed the rubber thing" during shock treatments.  Another added detail was that the bet between the boys dates back 17 years.

I've heard that this episode aired with Lenny suggesting an elopement to Vegas, but that's not in existing versions.  Here's what he says to Laverne in the script, "Gee.  I was upset about the money.  But now I feel much worse about you.  I didn't realize you were so pathetic.  I know what we can do to make things better.  Tell Squiggy that we been recently married for three years."  And in the script Laverne says, "Lenny, leave me alone," after he calls her an old maid.

In the script, Frank calls her Muffin twice, including in this closing of the scene:

LAVERNE

I'm miserable.

FRANK

Hey Muffin, that's the wrong attitude.  First get married, settle down, and have kids.  Then you'll be miserable.

AS LAVERNE MULLS THIS ADVICE WE 

DISSOLVE TO [Scene C].

A few thoughts:

• Why that boring letter to Rhonda, why?
• Lenny swallowed live fish.
• I wonder if Squiggy would've bought the story of Lenny and Laverne getting married in '64.
• Frank paints a glowing picture of married life.

"The Mummy's Bride," Introduction

On July 13, 1982, still with about two and a half months before Season Eight debuted, the Revised Shooting Script of "The Mummy's Bride" came in.  We'll start with some behind-the-scenes documents, before comparing the script to what aired.

As you can see, they were being cagey about "The Mummy," not even calling him "Walter" in the cast list.  "Jim" for the actor might even be a filler name.  And who the heck is "the Soldier"?

Note that they were planning a cast reading for "The Baby Show" as well, so a lot of overlap.  

I think the drawing on Lenny's costume page is for his tie, unless it's a very odd stick figure.

"Window on Main Street" script, Scenes D and E

Act Two opens in the store "window - morning."  We lost Shirley telling Laverne to "use your fork of the future," and later Laverne's line "Boy, look at the crowd.  Who'd think so many people were interested in modern appliances?"

They skipped this after Shirley says Laverne looked ridiculous and stupid:

MIKE

(TO SHIRLEY) Now cover your eyes.

SHIRLEY DOES AND MIKE GIVES LAVERNE A KISS.

SHIRLEY

(PEEKING) Excuse me.  Excuse me.

MIKE

(TO LAVERNE) Now, you cover your ears.

LAVERNE

Make her cover her eyes again.

SHIRLEY

I'm not covering my eyes again.

Otherwise, the ten-page scene is remarkably faithful.  The tag is set in the "apartment - day."  They omitted Laverne asking, "What did you put for 'Reason Let Go?' ", and Shirley replying, "Boss didn't like chicken."  The last stage direction is "They silently share the good news," which is what happens.

Overall, this episode doesn't have a lot of surprises for a Season Eight script.  They had a destination that they thought they were heading towards, and that's why this script looks like it does, and why the second episode of the season follows it for the most part.  There is a bit more of a buildup of Mike/Laverne, with them kissing here, as well as a wee bit of background to Walter, as well as some toning down of Laverne's animosity towards Rhonda.  By the end of that month of July 1982, things would already shift, as we saw with the "Baby Show" script and as we'll see with the script for "The Mummy's Bride."

"Window on Main Street" script, Scene C

Now we're in the "apartment - day":

SHIRLEY COMES IN FROM THE KITCHEN WITH A TRAY OF SANDWICHES.

SHIRLEY

Come on, Laverne, Dr. Dawson will be here any minute.

LAVERNE

Shirl, you know I don't like doctors... It's gonna hurt.

SHIRLEY

He's a hypnotist.  He's not gonna give you a shot.

LAVERNE

How am I gonna know?  When I'm hypnotised [sic] he could do anything he wanted to me.

That was dropped, and they skipped this:

SHIRLEY

...Oh, Doctor, would you like a sandwich?

SHIRLEY OFFERS A TRAY OF SANDWICHES TO HAL.

SHIRLEY (CONT'D)

Peanut butter and sauerkraut on raisin bread.

HAL

Crunchy or creamy?

SHIRLEY

Crunchy, of course...

HAL

Your husband's a lucky man... My wife's a terrible cook.

LAVERNE JUST SHAKES HER HEAD.  HAL POPS SANDWICH INTO HIS MOUTH AND LICKS HIS FINGER.

SHIRLEY

It's an easy recipe.  I got it on the back of the sauerkraut jar.  The key is fresh bread.

LAVERNE

Shirl...

SHIRLEY

(CROSSING TO SIT) I'm a memory.

LAVERNE

(HANDS SHIRLEY THE TRAY)  Make this a memory too.

In the script, there's a bit more about the dessert that Shirley offers the doctor:

SHIRLEY

We're having lime jello [sic] with bacon.

HAL

No, thanks.

LAVERNE

Take some with you.  Please.

Shirley's odd food is definitely a bigger deal in the script than onscreen.  The doctor saying that Walter is a lucky man expands on a similar line of Carmine's, which did make it in.  The doctor's claim that his own wife is a terrible cook feels very unnecessary.

"Window on Main Street" script, Scenes A and B

STOCK:  EXTERIOR BARDWELL'S

CUT TO:

STOCK: INTERIOR DEPARTMENT STORE - PEOPLE SHOPPING WITH DEPARTMENT STORE BELL (THE PAGING SYSTEM FOR KEY EMPLOYEES) IN BACKGROUND.

CUT TO:

INT. STORE WINDOW - DAY

THE SET LOOKS LIKE A TINY STUDIO APARTMENT DONE IN A 60'S VERSION OF ULTRA-MODERN.  THERE IS A KITCHEN AREA, INCLUDING A MICROWAVE OVEN AND A FOOD SERVING DOOR WITH A PANEL OF PUSHBUTTONS.  A CABINET BIG ENOUGH TO CRAWL INTO IS UNDER THE MICROWAVE.  A PILL DISPENSING TUBE IS IN ANOTHER CABINET.  THERE IS A COUCH BY ONE WALL.  A MIRROR IS LOCATED IN A "VANITY" AREA.  THERE IS A SMALL TABLE AND CHAIRS AND A ROUND MILK GLASS GLOBE THAT SERVES AS A LAMP.  A LARGE SIGN READS "HOME OF THE FUTURE, BY FUTURECRAFT."

We do get an exterior of the store, but then it cuts right to the window set.  There are some extra touches, like the framed artwork on the walls.  I'll note that, as in the aired episode, there's a quick explanation of Shirley's changed marital status, but of course script-writing would've overlapped, especially at that fraught time.

After Mr. Hildebrand is glad he didn't send a wedding gift, Laverne was supposed to say, "She could use a wok."

Mike is described simply as "a man."  We lost the stage direction "Laverne and Friend [meaning Mike] Samba," which would've been interesting with the window in the way.

But overall, the first scene was mostly faithfully adapted for screen.  Then we go to the girls' "bedroom - later that night":

SHIRLEY IS SITTING ON THE BED WRITING A LETTER TO WALTER.  SEVERAL UNMAILED LETTERS ARE ON THE BED.  A TRAY OF FOOD IS NEXT TO THE LETTERS.  LAVERNE ENTERS FROM THE BATHROOM WEARING A ROBE AND TOWEL AROUND HER HEAD.  SHE'S RUBBING HER BACKSIDE AND CARRYING A DAISY DECAL.

LAVERNE

Shirl, if you insist on putting decals in the bathtub, remember, it's sticky side down.

SHIRLEY

Walter'll get a chuckle outta this.  (STARTS WRITING)  Laverne got a decal stuck ... on her hiney.

LAVERNE

You're writing him again?  You just wrote him a letter fifteen minutes ago...

SHIRLEY

Well, alot [sic] has happened since then.  Walter's interested in every little bit of news.

LAVERNE

(LOOKING AT WATCH) Then in your next letter, tell him I decided not to live in that window with you.

SHIRLEY

Laverne, Laverne.

That was all dropped, and Laverne is in a sleepshirt, with dry hair.  Shirley does seem to have at least one letter in bed with her though.  They skipped this after Shirley says that Laverne was understandably irritable after Vinne [sic] Augetelli locked her upside-down in his locker:

SHIRLEY

...I've always wondered why you would let him do that.

LAVERNE

Why?  Because he said I could hide in his locker while the wrestling team took their showers and the holes were on the bottom.

SHIRLEY

You watched the wrestling team?

LAVERNE

I couldn't even see anything above the knee.

SHIRLEY

Even for you, Laverne, I am appalled.

In the script, Laverne says, "Oh great.  Rhonda's here.  We get to hear about the midnight ride of Paul Revere," which onscreen became her wishing Rhonda would say, "Ho ho" instead of "Hi ho" and bring them presents.  Rhonda's Cher costume is described as "a tight black dress, long black wig, spike heels and black bolla."

After Shirley told Rhonda about Laverne's claustrophobia, Laverne complained, "Thanks a lot.  You don't have to tell everyone."  Also, after Rhonda said she once had a problem in her mind, she added, "But it's all gone now," which made Laverne comment, "Don't worry - It couldn't have gone too far."

The last part of the scene, after Laverne says she'll try the hypnotist, was left out:

RHONDA

(STARTS TO EXIT)  Wonderful.  I'll call my hypnotist for you as soon as I get back from my voice lesson.  I have to learn to sing off key.  (SINGING OFF KEY -- "I got you Babe.")

RHONDA EXITS.

LAVERNE

Why don't you write to Walter about Rhonda?

SHIRLEY

He's a man alone in a trench - Why stir him up?

LAVERNE TURNS THE LIGHTS OFF AND GETS INTO BED.

Thoughts:

• We do actually see Shirley onscreen holding a daisy decal at one point, but for whatever reason, they didn't bother with the thing of Laverne getting decals stuck to her hiney.
• It's not much, but we get some stuff about Walter here, or at least what Shirley tells us about Walter.
• He'll get a chuckle out of the decal mishap.
• He's interested in every little bit of news.
• Walter is alone in a trench, which seems odd for a medic, but maybe they hadn't decided on that specifically yet.
• Shirley doesn't want to "stir him up" by telling him about Rhonda.
• Why would Laverne wear a watch in the tub?
• Hello there, Horny!Laverne.  Shirley is appalled by the voyeurism.
• It's interesting that they toned down the insults of Rhonda.

"Window on Main Street" script, introduction

I recently acquired some Season Eight scripts that are not dated in the order you might expect.  So we begin here, with the July 2, 1982 Revised Shooting Script for the episode that would air on October 12th, the second of the season.  It is very clearly set after "Mummy's Bride," but we'll get to that.  First, some behind-the-scenes stuff, including costume notes.

This is labeled as "Wes Eckhart set copy," and he was the costumer for the men.  Here's part of the filming schedule:

No huge surprises here I suppose, other than they got time off for the Fourth of July.  Also, we can see that three names have been whited out, presumably McKean, Lander, and Foster, since they don't appear in this episode's cast.  And we see that they were going to borrow wardrobe for Mr. Hildebrand from the short-lived NBC sitcom Teachers Only (starring Norman Fell, Lynn Redgrave, Jean Smart, and Tim Reid), which ran from April 1982 to May 1983.

"Helmut Week End," Scene A

My copy of "Ski Show" from January 18, 1982, includes the first scene of "Helmut Week End" (yes, three words), "to be shot 1/19/82."  It starts in the "girls apartment - morning":

SHIRLEY, DRESSED IN A VERY SENSIBLE SUIT, IS ON THE PHONE.

SHIRLEY

Rhonda, there's no such thing as Veal Fondue.  I can give you the recipe for Veal Parmingiana [sic], Veal Scallopini, Veal Sing In The Sunshine... that's a joke, Rhonda.

Laverne's costume is described as "a sexy outfit."  Shirley tells Rhonda, calmly into the phone, "Would you please hold for a second, Rhonda?"  In the script, the girls are going to a "giftwrapper seminar representing Bardwell of Burbank, not Frederick's of Hollywood," which became a retirement party for filming.

LAVERNE

The outfit is classy.  I just happen to have a very hot body.  So the total effect is classily hot.  (POSES)

SHIRLEY

It's classily smutty.

Since Rhonda is still on the phone with Shirley, she enters holding a telephone with a long cord.

...RHONDA LOOKS HOT.  SHIRLEY'S BACK IS TO RHONDA.

RHONDA

Shirley, how long should Rhonda hold?

SHIRLEY

(REMEMBERING INTO PHONE) Oh, I'm sorry, Rhonda.  I was just explaining to Laverne the importance of...  (SHE TURNS, NOTICES RHONDA'S OUTFIT)  I'll call you back later, Rhonda.

RHONDA

Oh, don't bother.  I got a date for dinner while I was on hold.

After Laverne's line about "Subtle beauty with a delicate feel.  And so refined," this little bit was dropped.

RHONDA

Why, thank you.  What do you think of my dress?

LAVERNE

I bet Shirl likes it.  As she so quaintly put it, it could never look 'hot.'

Since Rhonda is collecting for the Home for Unwed Actors, Shirley puts in her recipe for Veal Parmigian [also sic], which I guess she just happens to have lying around.

SHIRLEY STARTS TO USHER RHONDA OUT, LAVERNE STOPS THEM.

LAVERNE

Wait, Rhonda, I'd be glad to contribute.  (WHILE SLOWLY SEARCHING THRU [sic] PURSE) The material looks the same to me.  Maybe it's the buttons.  Or the lining.  Darn no change, but here's gum.  Well, they look alike to me.  How 'bout you, Shirl?  What do you think?

SHIRLEY

I think we better be on our way, Laverne.  We don't want to be late, do we?

LAVERNE

Maybe Rhonda would like to join us.  She could bring her date.

SHIRLEY

Let's go.

SHIRLEY DRAGS LAVERNE OUT THE DOOR.  RHONDA STARTS TO FOLLOW THEM.

RHONDA

Well, a recipe and gum is better than nothing.  I guess dressing conservatively was a good idea.

RHONDA EXITS.

Thoughts:

• The girls going to a seminar makes more sense than a retirement party, because it would better explain their absence.
• This scene is odd anyway because it has nothing to do with the main plot that focuses on the boys, like they needed to give the actresses some screen time.
• I like the joke in reference to the 1966 Gale Garnett song, but the scene does work better without Shirley and Rhonda on the phone.
• You would think that with so many Italians on the show, somebody would at least know how to spell food.
• Apparently Laverne describing herself as "hot" was too much, so it became her agreeing that she looks "available."
• The stage description outright says Rhonda looks hot.
• It is unclear how Rhonda got a date or with whom while she was on the phone.  Maybe one of her admirers dropped by, or she has two phone lines.
• The scene doesn't have much of a payoff, but neither does the filmed version, with Shirley warning Laverne not to bend over.

"Ski Show," Scenes D, E, and Tag

We get another exterior, "chair lift - a short time later."

This was dropped:

LAVERNE

Might helpiif [sic] we did something to pass the time.

SHIRLEY

Maybe.  Got any ideas?

LAVERNE

(AFTER A BEAT) OH, THE WEATHER OUTSIDE IS FRIGHTFUL... BUT THE FIRE --

LAVERNE/SHIRLEY

-- IS SO DELIGHTFUL.  AND SINCE WE'VE NO PLACE TO GO.  LET IT SNOW.  LET IT SNOW. LET IT SNOW.

AS THEY START SINGING TOGETHER, WE SEE A FEW DROPS OF SNOW BEGIN TO FALL.  AT THE END OF THE CHORUS, THE WIND IS HOWLING AND THE SNOW IS COMING DOWN HARD.  SHIRLEY TURNS TO LAVERNE AND SHOOTS HER A PIERCING LOOK....

Bennett's one line in voiceover is underlined by the actor.  They added Shirley telling Laverne Rhonda's "Henway" joke from Scene A.

The next scene is yet another exterior, the "bottom of the chair lift - an hour later."  They dropped Shirley saying she "could be home painting a nice, warm bathroom."  Brant von Hoffman again underlined his lines.

The stage directions are "LAVERNE AND DIRK KISS" and "BENNETT KISSES SHIRLEY," which look more like makeout sessions behind a boulder onscreen.  And that's it for Act Two.

The Tag isn't lettered.  It's set in the "girls' apartment - a few days later."  Laverne plucking her eyebrows was added.  In the script, Frank asks them to guess what he and Edna are doing that weekend, and Shirley says, "Perspiring?"  Onscreen this was improved slightly to a "walrus lookalike contest."

The very last part of the scene was omitted:

:AVERME [sic]

At least he didn't tell us about scuba diving at Anzio.

FRANK

Of course I scuba dived at Anzio.  How do you think I got the calimare [sic]?

AS FRANK CONTINUES REMINISCING WE:

FADE OUT.

I honestly don't have much to say about these scenes, or this script as a whole.  It remains very forgettable, with no crazy surprises like in some of the other lesser scripts.  I will note that it includes a scene from "Helmut Week End."  [Sic again.  What was wrong with their typist that week?]

"Ski Show," Scene C

We have an exterior of "the T-bar - day."  For some reason Laverne was supposed to be wearing a red scarf, but it looks like mustard yellow.  However, Shirley is wearing red ski pants like in the script.

In the script Laverne tells the nameless guy to meet her at the ski pole concession, which became the less funny equipment shack.

In the script, after Laverne suggests they hit the slopes, Shirley, still on the ground, says, "In case you haven't noticed Laverne, I have hit the slopes."  There's a quick stock shot of the slopes splitting this scene.

After Laverne claims to be Shirley's ski instructor, "Bob, the lift operator" offers sympathy but then has to go help a man offscreen.  In the script he actually sticks around:

BOB

Then you told her how to get on this thing?

LAVERNE

Yeah, but maybe you better go over it again.  She's slow.

SHIRLEY

And she's a lousy instructor.

BOB

Yeah.  Great.  Just keep your skis straight, lean back, and don't sit down.

SHIRLEY

Words to live by.

BOB

Okay, let's go.

AS THE BAR GETS TO THEM, THEY MAKE A BUMBLING ATTEMPT TO POSITION THEMSELVES BUT THE BAR GETS AWAY.  THEY GRAB IT AND IT PULLS THEM UNTIL THEY FALL.

BOB (CONT'D)

What's the matter?

SHIRLEY

I had a bad feeling about that one.  Here we go.

THE NEXT BAR COMES UP.  THEY SIT DOWN TOO FAR THIS TIME AND FALL OFF.  BOB STOPS THE LIFT AND GOES OVER TO THEM.

BOB

How'd you feel about that one?

LAVERNE

That was fine.  I was just showing her the right way to fall.

BOB

Well, she's got it perfected.  Just get up to the top of the hill

And then there's about a page left of the scene.  But the entire thing with the T-bar goes on for five minutes onscreen, including Bob coming back and Laverne flirting with him about his name.  Since I'm not a big slapstick fan, and I find the physical humor repetitive here, I'm going to go with the shorter version from the script.

"Ski Show," Scenes A and B

On January 18, 1982, five weeks before "The Ski Show" aired, its Shooting Script came in, not yet with its "The" in the title.  My copy very clearly belonged to a guest star, who passed it on to his parents:

Brant Von Hoffman was still fairly early in his career, and seems to have been proud of his role as Bennett.  It is not his fault that I barely remember this episode and only ended up with this script because I unexpectedly won it in an eBay auction.  So let's see what we've got here....

We start in the "girls' bedroom - night."

THE GIRLS ENTER.  THEY'VE JUST COME FROM A SINGLES BAR.

The girls were supposed to throw pillows at Rhonda when she exits.

Onscreen, the first scene ends with Shirley saying that she can't let Laverne ski down Smut Mountain by herself.  The ending was weaker in this version:

SHIRLEY

I suppose we can put off painting the bathroom until Easter.

LAVERNE

So tomorrow we'll go get our ski stuff.

SHIRLEY SETS OFF ALARM.  LAVERNE JUMPS UP.

LAVERNE (CONT'D)

Wake it up, Shirl.  We're goin' skiing.

THEY TRY TO SHUT OFF THE ALARM.

The next scene is in the "girls' apartment [meaning the living room] - day."  Shirley's baby talk to Boo Boo Kitty at the opening and a bit later seems ad-libbed by Cindy Williams.  But they dropped Laverne asking, "No tail muff?" and Shirley replying, "Right here," then putting a tail muff on BBK.

Frank's speech about skiing as a kid in Brooklyn of course became mumblier.  Here's how the scene went after that:

LAVERNE

Brooklyn has always been known for it's [sic] hot dogs and it's [sic again] skiing.  But Pop, this is real skiing in the mountains.

FRANK

What about Anzio?  (HE DOES ANZIO ROLL)

LAVERNE

Pop, you were a fry cook in Anzio.

FRANK

How do you think they ate.  I skied the food in on my back.

LAVERNE

Shirl....

SHIRLEY ENTERS, CARRYING A GLASS OF WATER AND THREE STRAWS.

SHIRLEY

Ummm.  Great water.  (SOTTO) Did you get it straightened out?

LAVERNE

(SOTTO) Yup.  he's going.

SHIRLEY GULPS DOWN THE WATER.

SHIRLEY

Sorry, about that.  (TO FRANK) Mr. DeFazio, have you weighed the potential dangers?  I mean, a frozen moustache is nothing to sneeze at.

FRANK

Don't worry.  Edna knitted me a moustache mitten.

Earlier in the script, Shirley went to "get us all a nice glass of water," so that's why that's there.  This was improved to her explaining things to BBK.  They kept the line about Frank being wasted as a cook in Anzio, although I'm not sure how much sense it makes in the context of this one episode.  (It is mentioned elsewhere.)

Frank giving the girls money was a nice added touch.  And after Shirley's line about Eleanor and Franklin Roosevelt being cousins, the filmed version added Laverne's closing line wondering if that came out in the campaign.  And that's it for Act One.

A few thoughts:

• You can already see that this first act needed more drafts.  Like I said, it's not that memorable an episode anyway, but there are some unnecessary bits here.
• That said, I do wish we had "tail muff" and "moustache mitten."  And it's always nice to find out more about Frank's Army experiences.
• Edna shout-out!