"Who's Poppa?," Scene D

Now we're in the "Hospital Maternity - day."  They added a few things to the beginning, like Shirley's speech about Laverne having "loved and lost," and the patient named Mrs. Plout asking about "the stork."  (This patient, who gets lots of reaction shots, is not mentioned in the script until later in the scene.)

When the "battle-axe with the bun" enters in the script, the girls express their panic verbally more than onscreen:

SHIRLEY

We're caught.  They're gonna do crazy medical experiments on us.  They'll make us give blood.  They'll stick us with needles.

LAVERNE

They're gonna give us those little bottles.

They also dropped Laverne's line, "Everything is fine.  I'm fine.  (POINTS TO SHIRLEY) He's fine.  (POINTS TO BELLY) Little Nunzio's fine."

Shirley onscreen stutters as she tells sexy Nurse Krevsky she's not that kind of a girl, uh, guy, but in the script she says, "I knew I shouldn't have worn Carmine's after shave," which raises all sorts of questions, especially in an episode he's not in.  Shirley does not hit Laverne's stomach in the script, but Laverne does worry that "the baby's losing air."

Here's a bit with an unclear amount of characters who didn't make it onscreen:

LAVERNE IS ON ALL FOURS.  SHIRLEY STEPS ON HER BACK AND REACHES FOR THE TRANSOM AS A RESIDENT AND TWO INTERNS ENTER THE WARD.

RESIDENT

(TO INTERNS) And this is our maternity ward.  These women are a little nervous, so be prepared for some unusual behavior.

WHILE THE RESIDENT HAS BEEN TALKING, LAVERNE HAS PULLED ON SHIRLEY'S PANT LEGS AND POINTED TO THE INTRUDERS.  SHE CAUSES SHIRLEY TO LOSE HER BALANCE AND SLIP IN SUCH A MANNER THAT SHE WINDS UP SITTING ON LAVERNE'S BACK HORSEY-STYLE.  LAVERNE HAS STARTED TO CRAWL AWAY, HOPING TO HIDE BEHIND A BED BEFORE THEY ARE DISCOVERED.  SHE CRAWLS RIGHT INTO THE GROUP'S LEGS.

RESIDENT (CONT'D)

Such as this.

SHIRLEY

(TO LAVERNE AS SHE GETS OFF HER) Now, repeat this exercise four times a day, and your baby will learn to crawl in no time.

LAVERNE STANDS.

LAVERNE

But, I shouldn't sit on the baby's back.  Right?

RESIDENT

Excuse me, doctor.  The new interns are here for your maternity briefing.

SHIRLEY

Of course.  (BEAT; INDICATES LAVERNE) This woman is pregnant.  You all know how she got that way.  Now, the first warning sign of childbirth is a big bump.

LAVERNE PATS HER TUMMY.  THE INTERNS ARE TAKING NOTES.

SHIRLEY

The second signs are labor pains.  First there are long, drawn out pains, every so often.

LAVERNE HELPS OUT BY SUPPYING A LONG, DRAWN OUT GROAN.  SHIRLEY REACTS.

SHIRLEY (CONT'D)

Next, there are lots of short pains coming closer together.

LAVERNE LETS OUT A SERIES OF SHORT YELPS.

SHIRLEY (CONT'D)

That will be fine.  After that, the mother has to help push the baby out.

LAVERNE PUSHES DOWN ON HER BEACHBALL.  IT DROPS ABOUT HALF A FOOT.  LAVERNE HAS TO REACH DOWN AND PUSH IT BACK UP AND INTO PLACE.

SHIRLEY (CONT'D)

And finally, the miracle of birth.

TWO INTERNS APPLAUD.

LAVERNE

And then you give them your bill.

ALL THE INTERNS APPLAUD.

SHIRLEY

Now, I'd like you boys to do me a favor.  Have you ever heard of Nurse Krevsky?

THEY ALL NOD.

SHIRLEY (CONT'D)

I'm a little busy right now, and she's waiting in the doctor's lounge for anyone with a stethoscope.

THEY ALL STAMPEDE OUT.

LAVERNE

Boy, I'm exhausted.  It ain't easy giving birth when you're not pregnant.

SHIRLEY

This will just take a minute.  I've got an idea.

Then they have the part that made it to air, with Laverne on the gurney and Shirley explaining, in her "doctor" voice, what Laverne is doing.  They did leave out the detail that Shirley thinks Laverne should do this because she's taller.

More importantly, we get this with Mrs. Plout:

MRS. PLOUT STARTS TO LET OUT A SCREAM.

MRS. PLOUT

Doctor, the pains have started!  Help!

SHIRLEY TAKES CONTROL OF THE SITUATION, REMAINING COOL AND CALM.

SHIRLEY

All right, take a deep breath.  Dr. Feeney is here, everything is going to be fine.

MRS. PLOUT YELLS AGAIN.  SHIRLEY MOVES QUICKLY TO THE RECORDS ROOM AND WHEELS THE GURNEY OVER TO MRS. PLOUT.

So then when Laverne gets stuck in the transom, Shirley is paying more attention to Mrs. Plout, even planning to "take her to the Delivery room."  Therefore, when the doctor enters, Shirley is wheeling her out and "almost runs the doctor over."  They have this exchange:

DOCTOR

Where are you going?

SHIRLEY

Delivery room!  Out of the way, Mrs. Plout's in labor!

DOCTOR

I'm her obstetrician.  Who are you?

SHIRLEY

I'm Dr. Feeney!  (THINKS A BEAT; PANICS) A dermatologist.  You deliver the baby.  Call me if it's got pimples.

The last part, with Laverne giving birth to "a bouncing baby beach ball," did make it in.

Thoughts:

• I don't know if the girls have a lot more fears of hospitals than you'd expect for ex-candy-stripers, or if that's why they have so many fears.
• OK, I like Laverne naming her "baby" Nunzio, I'm not gonna lie.
• I'm annoyed with that mansplaining resident, although I sort of like the parody of Shirley as mansplainer.
• How many interns are there?  At first there are clearly two, but later two applaud, and then all of them?
• The interns (and resident) stampeding towards Nurse Krevsky is unsettling, although I know it was meant in kind of a burlesque-sketch way.
• I now want an episode where Shirley coolly and calmly delivers Mrs. Plout's baby.
• I don't know how well either version of this scene works, combining the maternity ward with slapstick, but I guess that's what people expect from this show, even with a serious topic like adoption.