"Laverne And Shirley Go to Night School," Scene C

Act Two opens in the "girls' apartment - later that night":

LENNY AND SQUIGGY ARE DRESSED AS DEBONAIRE PLAYBOYS AND ARE ENTERTAINING THEIR VERSION OF TWO LOVELY GIRLS IN LAVERNE AND SHIRLEY'S APARTMENT.  THE APARTMENT IS A MESS.  THERE IS FOOD ALL OVER THE PLACE.  THE REFRIGERATOR DOOR IS OPEN.  THE TWO COUPLES ARE DANCING THE TANGO.  SQUIGGY IS SINGING "HERNANDO'S HIDEAWAY".  WHEN HE GETS TO THE END, HE AND LENNY BOTH SING "OLE".  THE COUPLES CONTINUE TO TANGO.  LAVERNE ENTERS.  SHE IS LIMPING SLIGHTLY.  SHE'S CARRYING THE SKELETON OUTFIT. SHE'S WEARING SHORTS.

LAVERNE

What's goin' on here?

SQUIGGY

Leonard, I thought you gave the maid the night off.

LENNY

(TO HIS DATE) Wait here, my sweet.  I must go beat the servants.

THE BOYS TAKE LAVERNE ASIDE.

SQUIGGY

Listen, Laverne, you're ruinin' a beautiful evening for us.

LAVERNE

(TO GIRLS) They don't belong here.  I'm not the maid, God knows what they're gonna do to you, it's not my business, but you gotta leave.

THE GIRLS STARE AT LAVERNE.

SQUIGGY

They don't speak English.

LAVERNE

Leave, vamous, aloha.

SHE HERDS THE GIRLS OUT THE DOOR.  THE BOYS START TO FOLLOW.

SQUIGGY

Let's get something to eat.  You think they got money?

LAVERNE GRABS THE BOYS BY THEIR CLOTHING.

LAVERNE

Hold it.  You ain't leavin' while this joint looks like this.  You're on clean-up duty.

LENNY

What about our dates?  They might leave.

SQUIGGY

Don't worry, Len, I got their passports.

LAVERNE

Okay, start cleaning.  I want this place spic and span in five minutes.

SQUIGGY

Right, go ahead, Len, I'm timing you.

LENNY

Okay-doke.

LENNY STARTS TO CLEAN, SQUIGGY AND LAVERNE FOLLOW HIM.

LAVERNE

You know, I don't like you guys sneaking into our apartment.

SQUIGGY

We didn't sneak.  We shoved Lenny through the dumb waiter.  Besides, you wouldn't have caught us if you were at school like you were supposed to be.

LAVERNE

Yeah, well I ain't goin' back.  I quit that stupid school.

LENNY

Smartest thing you ever done.  You can't learn anything at night.  At night your brains are replaced by sexual urges.

SQUIGGY

It's a medical fact.  I read it in a book.  You did the right thing.

LAVERNE

Look, guys, when I do something, don't tell me you think it's smart.  It makes me nervous.

SQUIGGY

But we know what we're talkin' about.  You don't need night school.  You're just like me and Lenny.

LAVERNE

I'm not like you two.

LENNY

No gettin' around it.  We're three of a kind.

LAVERNE

No we're not.

SQUIGGY

Birds of a feather.

LAVERNE

No, we're different birds.

LENNY

Three matching bookends.

THE BOYS STARTS OUT.

LAVERNE

Out.

SQUIGGY

Peas in a pod.

LENNY

Bats in a belfry.

THE BOYS EXIT.  AS THEY DO THEY CROSS FRANK.

FRANK

What are you guys doing here?

LENNY

We're cheering up Laverne.

THEY EXIT.

FRANK

You never cheered up nobody.  I came to take care of the mouse.  Why aren't you in school?

LAVERNE

I hurt my knee so I came home.

The whole section with the boys, and their dates, was stripped out, and the onscreen scene starts with Frank asking why Laverne isn't in school, so she says she was bitten on the elbow.  And then the whole thing about Mr. Ripulski biting her and being dead of course isn't in the script.  Here's how it went after Frank asks if she got kicked out:

LAVERNE

No.  It's just too hard, Pop.  I tried, honest, but I just can't get all that stuff.

FRANK POURS THE ALCOHOL ON THE KNEE.  LAVERNE SCREAMS.

FRANK

Hey, act like a man.  I gotta kill the germs.

FRANK WIPES THE KNEE WITH HIS HAND.

FRANK (CONT'D)

You'll feel better if you bite on something.

LAVERNE BITES HIS HAND.  FRANK MOANS.

LAVERNE

You're right, I feel better.

It's less slapsticky onscreen and we instead learn a little more about Frank in the Army.  They did move Laverne's line about school being too hard (with slight changes) here, and then they kept the next bit, where Frank offers to help and Laverne says she's too stupid.  The map puzzle story and Frank's comparison of Laverne to her mother are from this version, so that's nice that Sotkin had already designed a good father-daughter scene, before the rewrites.  The part about Josephine learning an opera was not yet there, but we did lose Frank calling her "like Albert Einstein.  Another smart Italian."

After Frank says that Laverne should find something she likes, they left out her saying, "I like boys," and him telling her, "Don't be a dope."  The part with Frank pretending to kill Twinkle is already there in this version, as is Frank telling his daughter she's not stupid and then "smacking her head."

They did drop the closing line, as Laverne looks at the bandages, "This isn't a bandage.  He ripped up Shirley's blouse."  Instead, onscreen Laverne thinks smutty thoughts about what she's good at and then says her father would kill her if she did that.

Thoughts:

• This scene with the boys manages to be adorable, creepy, and racist, all at once.  It's worth noting that Lenny and Squiggy aren't actually in the completed episode, and I'm beginning to see why.
• I can kind of see Squiggy making Lenny do all the cleaning, but Laverne wouldn't go along with that.
  
• I do like the dumbwaiter bit, and of course Lenny's thoughts on brains and sexual urges.
• And, OK, I like the boys saying that Laverne is like them.  They're not entirely wrong, although she doesn't want to hear it right then.
• Frank wanting Laverne to "act like a man" is an interesting insight into how she was raised and why she ended up a "tomboy," although, yeah, it's not technically canonical.