"Laverne And Shirley Go to Night School," Scene B

It's the "night school classroom - before class - night."  The first couple pages made it in, but in the script Shirley says that Laverne is "probably just putting the finishing touches on her bone project.  She's so excited about it, she wouldn't even tell me what it is."  Onscreen, Shirley would make up a story about Laverne's heroism during a fire.

In the script, Wilner tells groveling Shirley, "You're drooling on my lab coat," which was improved to a line about his Christmas necktie.

This was dropped after Shirley gloats to the people who "stole her chairs":

WILNER

One more time.  Now, class, tonight I'd like to show you a little surprise.  Then later you can all show your projects.

SHIRLEY JUMPS UP WITH HER PROJECT.

SHIRLEY

Here's my project!  Here's my project!

WILNER

Seems we are going to look at one now.

SHIRLEY

For my project, on bones, I made a complete skeleton out of pipe cleaners.  It was especially hard to do the ungual phalanges, or as I like to call them, the little piggies that ran wee, wee, wee, all the way home.

WILNER

Actually, that's an excellent job.  Excellent.  Although I could do without the wee wee piggies.  Now with Miss Feeney's permission, we will continue.

In the script, he "introduces" Mr. Ripulski before Laverne comes in.  Onscreen, she claims she was showing neighborhood kids how to make noogies, but here's her entrance in this version:

SUDDENLY THE DOOR OPENS AND LAVERNE RUNS IN.  SHE IS WEARING A SKELETON COSTUME.  SHE HAS A BAG IN HER HAND.

LAVERNE

Sorry I'm late.

WILNER

That's okay.  No doubt you were delayed by the gala masquerade party.

LAVERNE

Nah, this is my bone project. Isn't this great?!?

SHIRLEY

I'm really gonna have to grovel now.

LAVERNE

See this is the cervical vertebrae... this is the... oh I forgot this one... this is the tibia, the fibia... let me see...  (STARTS TO SING "DRY BONES" TO REMIND HERSELF OF THE TECHNICAL NAMES, SHE IS DOING PRETTY WELL)  Oh, the cranium's connected to the cervical vertebrae.  And the cervical vertebrae's connected to the scapula.  That's it!  The scapula.  (TO SHIRLEY) Surprised, huh?

SHIRLEY

Shocked!

WILNER

In all my years of teaching, I've never seen anything like this.

LAVERNE

Yeah?  It's even better with the lights out.

SHE TURNS OUT THE LIGHTS AND THE BONES GLOW IN THE DARK.  WILNER TURNS THE LIGHTS ON.

That was replaced by Mr. Wilner putting Laverne on the spot and asking her to identify parts of Mr. Ripulski.  By the way, there's no mention in this script of Laverne's excuse of the dog eating pages of her textbook.

Onscreen, after Mr. Wilner exits, followed by Shirley, Laverne proves she knows the material but the teacher makes her nervous.  And, to her horror, she proceeds to demolish the skeleton.  Then Shirley comes in, is even more horrified, and the girls try to fix the skeleton but make it worse.  This is how it goes in this earlier version:

WILNER

... (TO SHIRLEY) We're going to see about Miss DeFazio's "scholarship".

SHIRLEY GETS UP AND RUNS AFTER HIM.

SHIRLEY

Mr. Wilner, wait!!  She knew her bones... she knew her bones!!

SHE LEAVES.

LAVERNE

(TO CLASS) I'm getting a scholarship?  This is some project.  (SHE TAKES OUT A SANDWICH) Anybody want half a tuna?  It's good.  I mix it with catsup.

NO ONE ANSWERS.  THEY'RE ALL BUSY.

LAVERNE (CONT'D)

I guess no one's hungry.

SHE GOES OVER TO MR. RIPULSKI, CARRYNG A SANDWICH AND A BOTTLE OF SODA.

LAVERNE (CONT'D)

(OFFERING THE SANDWICH) How about you, big guy?

SHE TAKES THE BOTTLE AND OPENS IT BETWEEN HIS RIBS.

LAVERNE (CON'TD)

Thanks a lot.

SHE RAISES THE SKELETON'S ARM AND TICKLES HIM.  SHE DRAPES THE ARM OVER HER SHOULDER.

LAVERNE (CONT'D)

Oh, a fresh guy.  I like your style.  How about a kiss?

LAVERNE GRABS THE SKULL AND GOES TO KISS IT BUT IT COMES OFF IN HER HAND.  SHE PUTS HER FINGERS IN HIS EYES, A LA A BOWLING BALL, AND SWINGS IT.

LAVERNE (CONT'D)

Wanna go bowling?

SHIRLEY ENTERS.  LAVERNE HIDES THE HEAD.

SHIRLEY

Laverne, I saved you this time.  He's not going to kick you out.  You do have to sit in the back of the room, but I'll be with you.  Now, he's having some coffee to calm down. I could have sworn the skeleton had a head.

LAVERNE

(SHE PULLS THE HEAD OUT AND A LA SENOR WENCES) Ts'alright.  Ts'alright.

SHIRLEY

Holy green beans!  That's Mr. Ripulski!

LAVERNE

Hi, Mr. Ripulski!  (MOVING MR. RIPULSKI'S MOUTH AND WITH A LOW VOICE) Hi, Laverne.

SHIRLEY

(TAKES THE HEAD AND MOVES HIS MOUTH) 'Bye-bye, Laverne.  Mr. Wilner's gonna kick you out for this.

LAVERNE

It was an accident.  I just tried to kiss him.

SHIRLEY

Boy, you're desperate.  Maybe we can stick it back on.

THEY GO TO THE SKELETON.  SHIRLEY BALANCES THE SKULL ON THE SKELETON.

SHIRLEY (CONT'D)

There, maybe he won't notice.

LAVERNE

(TAPS HIM) Good boy.

THE HEAD FALLS OFF AND SHIRLEY MAKES A DIVING CATCH.

LAVERNE (CON'TD)

Oooops.

SHIRLEY

Ooops [sic, yes, I counted the O's]?  You knock a man's head off and you say Oooops?

LAVERNE

I just tapped him.  (DEMONSTRATES AND THE ARM COMES OFF IN HER HAND)

SHE HANDS THE ARM TO SHIRLEY.  SHE TRIES TO GET THE HEAD BACK ON AND KNOCKS OFF ONE OF THE LEGS.

LAVERNE (CONT'D)

This guy's really fallin' apart on me here.

LAVERNE PICKS UP THE LEG.  SHIRLEY'S STILL GOT THE ARM.  MR. WILNER ENTERS.  THE GIRLS TRY TO HOLD ALL THE PIECES IN PLACE.

LAVERNE (CONT'D)

Hi, Mr. Wilner.  Quite a guy you got here.

WILNER

Please don't touch him.

LAVERNE

Ah gee, we gotta touch him.

WILNER

Let go of him this instant.

THEY REMOVE THE PIECES AND HOLD THEM IN THEIR HANDS.  WILNER CAN'T SPEAK.  HE STARTS TAKING A STEP TOWARDS LAVERNE.

SHIRLEY

We'll try to fix it.  We have glue.

LAVERNE

It wasn't Shirley's fault.  How about this, I'll get you a new one?  You can have this suit.

AS WILNER WALKS TOWARD LAVERNE, SHE BACKS UP.  SHE BACKS UP INTO THE SKELETON, KNOCKING IT OVER.  THEN SHE TRIPS AND FALLS ON THE SKELETON, CRUSHING IT, AND SCRAPING HER ELBOW AND KNEES.

LAVERNE (CONT'D)

I hurt my knee on his... (HOLDS UP BONE) Tibia, right?

Hans Conried had been cast already, and Wilner's "explosion" and the "train" speech earlier were clearly written for him, so they both made it in.  They did drop Shirley's closing line, "That wasn't very nice," and her hitting Wilner with "the arm."

A few thoughts:

• Both "bone projects" are super cute, and I wish there'd been a way to include them.
• Little as I like Laverne's humiliation throughout the onscreen scene, this version goes too far in making her utterly callous.
• I especially could've done without her "kissing" Mr. Ripulski, and Shirley calling her desperate.
• Or Laverne using the head as a bowling ball.
• I do like "holy green beans" and the coffee line.
• This scene has more slapstick and less angst than the finished product.