"Honeymoon Hotel," Scenes C and D

We get "EXT. HOTEL PFISTER - EARLY EVENING" and then "INT. HOTEL PFISTER - HONEYMOON SUITE."  The first page or so made it in, and then there was this:

MR. GUNTHER

By the way, if for some reason things don't work out -- and either of you gets married again, uh, in addition to my duties at the hotel, I'm also an ordained minister in six states and the District of Columbia.

HE HANDS THEM A CARD.

SHIRLEY

(READING) Marriages by Mort.

MR. GUNTHER

Yes... I've converted a spare bedroom into a lovely paneled chapel and game room.

SHIRLEY

How very nice for you.

MR. GUNTHER

I have a photograph.

CARMINE

Who is that heavy-set man at the head of the table?

MR. GUNTHER

Buddha.  We're non-denominational.

SHIRLEY

Oh.

Instead we got Shirley and Carmine arguing about their married name and his mustache.  (Her calling him "Guido Andretti" is not in the earlier version.)  This is what was in the script after they've let Laverne out of the trunk and she's asked for air:

SHIRLEY

I'm sorry, Vernie.  You okay?

LAVERNE

Yeah -- I was getting lint lung in there.  I never want to be luggage again.

CARMINE IS FINISHED TAKING OFF TUX. HE HAS LATIN JUMPSUIT ON.

Onscreen, Shirley helps Laverne walk it off and then they talk about all that's going on in the hotel that weekend.

And then after Shirley thanks Carmine, Laverne was supposed to say, "Yeah -- not many grooms would go home empty-handed."

In the script, it's just "the girls start looking around the room." and the "Liberace" line and some other stuff came from Scene D, which I'll get to shortly.

For the record, Laverne at this point said, "Who wouldn't go all the way in a joint like this!", which of course became "vo-de-oh-doh."

Shirley wants to order everything from the menu, but that's not how it plays out.

After Mr. Gunther says they'll return in fifteen minutes, this happened:

HE STARTS TO EXIT.  THEN TURNS.

MR. GUNTHER (CONT'D)

Your husband was Italian, right?

SHIRLEY NODS.

MR. GUNTHER (CONT'D)

We'll make it twenty.

HE EXITS.  LAVERNE RUNS OUT.

SHIRLEY

What'll we do?  They want more pictures!  Carmine's gone --

LAVERNE

Relax -- relax... we've got twenty minutes to think of something... look at the bright side... if you had married a Greek we'd only have ten minutes... now just relax.

SHIRLEY CALMS DOWN.

SHIRLEY

You're right, Laverne.  I'll relax.  I'm relaxed now.  (BEAT)  And now I'm finished being relaxed... (EXCITEDLY) Laverne, what are we gonna do... They're gonna be back for more pictures... Carmine's gone... we're gonna get caught.

AS SHIRLEY RAVES WE:

FADE OUT.

Onscreen, there's nothing about Greeks, and Laverne panics as much as Shirley, until the girls slap each other.

This ends Act One, and so Scene D opens Act Two, in the "Honeymoon Suite - later."  The first page or so is mostly faithful, although in the script Laverne has more lines in "a Carmine voice," while onscreen Shirley speaks for "him" more, as here:

LAVERNE

(DOING A CARMINE VOICE) Sorry -- just washed my hair -- don't want pneumonia.

SHIRLEY

He's kind of a cleanliness nut.

MR. GUNTHER

Well, I suppose there's nothing in the contest rules to prevent you from being overly clean.  (TO PHOTOGRAPHER) Snap it.

HE DOES.

MR. GUNTHER (CONT'D) 

There.  (TO PHOTOGRAPHER) The short ones are the worst.  Come on, Al, let's go.

Onscreen, the photographer's name is Herbie, and we get details of the photo-op schedule.

Onscreen, Shirley feels trapped but Laverne is free, leading Shirley to say, "You wouldn't leave me on our honeymoon, would you?"  In contrast, here's how it went in the script:

LAVERNE    

We can't do anything.  They're gonna be watching us.  And I won't wear this monkey suit.

SHIRELY

So we'll stay in the room -- who cares!  Look at it.

Then we get Laverne instead of Shirley talking about how everything in the bathroom is heart-shaped.  Next, Laverne inadvertently plays "Rachmaninoff's Rhapsody on a Paganini Theme" on the bed.  And she, rather than Shirley, says, "This must be how Liberace lives," so Shirley asks, "How does he get any sleep."  And the Cupid's eyes following them comes up here, but it's not developed like it would be onscreen.

The rest of Scene D didn't make it in at all:

LAVERNE

This room's got something for everybody.  (PICKING UP MENU) Come on, let's order room service.

SHIRLEY

What do newlyweds eat?

LAVERNE

Probably nothing for the first twenty-four hours.  But we're the exception.  (DIALING HEART-SHAPED PHONE) It takes forever to dial a heart.  Room service -- two hot fudge sundaes.

SHIRLEY

Wait, Laverne, we can have anything we want!  Ask them what this is.  (POINTING TO MENU)

LAVERNE

(INTO PHONE) Excuse me, but what is escargot?  (HORRIFIED REACTION) Two hot fudge sundaes.  (TO SHIRLEY) Trust me... two cokes... and thirty-one steak taretars [sic].

SHIRLEY

Laverne!

LAVERNE

(TO SHIRLEY) We'll take some home... (BACK INTO PHONE) and a lot of rice.

LAVERNE HANGS UP PHONE.

Thoughts:

• The thing with Mr. Gunther's sideline doesn't really fit the character, so I can see why it was dropped.
• Carmine isn't wearing a jumpsuit, but they went with the general idea for his costume under the tux.
• I know about the stereotype about Italian men, but this is the first time I've run into the one about Greeks.
• Mr. Gunther isn't as rude to and about "Guido" onscreen.
• The phone we'll see later does not appear to be heart-shaped.
• Unlike most newlyweds, the girls are going to eat at the beginning of their honeymoon, because they are the exception.  And if that's not meant suggestively, it's one of the few things in this script that isn't.