THE DOOR IS WIDE OPEN AS LAVERNE WALKS IN. LAVERNE LOOKS AROUND AND SEES A MAN WITH HIS HEAD ON THE DESK, ASLEEP. SHE WALKS OVER AND CLEARS THROAT TO BE HEARD.
LAVERNE
Dr. Sandor... ?
DR. SANDOR WAKES WITH A START. HE SPEAKS FRESH AND QUICKLY.
DR. SANDOR
Excuse me. I'm sleeping. Have a seat.
SHE SITS DOWN, INTIMIDATED. HE LAYS HIS HEAD BACK DOWN ON THE DESK. A BEAT LATER AN EGG TIMER GOES OFF. DR. SANDOR WAKES UP TOTALLY REFRESHED.
DR. SANDOR
(VERY ENERGETIC) Now... How do you do? I'm Dr. Sandor.
LAVERNE
I'm Laverne DeFazio.
DR. SANDOR
You look like a typical specimen.
LAVERNE
Oh yeah.
DR. SANDOR
(CHECKS EYEBALLS) I'd say about seven and a half hours. Right?
LAVERNE
Yes, well...
DR. SANDOR
(HE CUTS HER OFF) And you feel sluggish when you get up in the morning and a little droopy during the day.
LAVERNE
I look droopy? Aren't I getting enough sleep.
DR. SANDOR
You're getting too much sleep.
LAVERNE
Too much sleep? But I thought eight hours...
DR. SANDOR
Myth. Total myth. Part of the American lie.
LAVERNE
Well, how much sleep do we need?
DR. SANDOR
It varies slightly according to sex, age and race, but absolute tops? (BEAT) Forty minutes.
LAVERNE
Forty minutes?
DR. SANDOR
Don't let the numbers throw you. The Australian fruit fly only needs twelve minutes.
LAVERNE
But I'm not a fly.
DR. SANDOR
Neither am I....
Onscreen, we see Laverne already in the room with the test subjects, as Dr. Sandor explains the experiment. Only the tail end of the scripted scene, where the doctor says he and his wife spend hardly any time in bed and have no children, made it in.
Then Scene 4 is set in the "reception area - hallway" again.
SHIRLEY IS TRYING TO READ A PAMPHLET OVER LENNY AND SQUIGGY ARGUING.
SQUIGGY
They bring you food... ring a bell... and you drool.
LENNY
No, no, no, no. You drool... then they ring a bell and bring you food.
SQUIGGY
(PIG LATIN) Ixnay enylay! They bring you food and you drool... and then they ring the bell!
SHIRLEY
Wait, it doesn't say anything about that in the pamphlet. Is that what I'm going to have to do?
SQUIGGY
No, no.
LENNY
You got the nutrition department.
SQUIGGY
This is more advanced stuff; we're talking about the drool experiment.
SHIRLEY REACTS. ENTER LAVERNE.
SHIRLEY
How'd it go, Laverne?
LAVERNE
Well, it was a little strange, but the Doctor's kind of cute. I've stayed up all night with worse.
SHIRLEY
I didn't get to meet my doctor, but the pamphlet doesn't seem so bad. I might be a little hungry, but they do give you some kind of nature food.
LAVERNE
Well, shall we sign?
SHIRLEY
Absolutely. We'll make our money... recuperate a day... then go to the greatest party of our lives!
LAVERNE
Sounds good.
THEY ARRIVE AT THE RECEPTION DESK.
RECEPTIONIST
If you girls are going to start tonight, we've got to get these contracts signed.
SHE PUTS CONTRACTS ON COUNTER. SHIRLEY, WITH DETERMINATION, TAKES THE PEN AND SIGNS THE CONTRACT. SHE HANDS THE PEN TO LAVERNE.
LAVERNE
(AS SHE FINISHES HER SIGNATURE) What the heck. We can do anything for 24 hours.
SHIRLEY
That's the spirit, Laverne. We can do anything, and by 4 o'clock Saturday we'll be out of here with 25 big ones.
RECEPTIONIST
You'd better recheck those contracts. You'll be out of here Sunday at four o'clock.
ON THEIR LOOKS, WE
DISSOLVE
Onscreen, Shirley has already met with her doctor (we'll get there) and it's Laverne who notices that they don't leave until Sunday. Also, the boys are absent from the scene.
Act One ends on that cliffhanger, and Scene 5 opens Act Two, back in the sleep lab:
THE OFFICE HAS BEEN MADE INTO A RECREATION ROOM. THERE IS A PING PONG TABLE, A DART BOARD, A MOVIE SCREEN AND PROJECTOR PLUS SEVERAL BOOKS AND BOARD GAMES. THERE ARE WIRES RUNNING FROM THE WALL TO THE LEFT WRISTS OF LAVERNE AND THREE FAIRLY RUGGED-LOOKING SUBJECTS, ALL OF WHOM ARE BEING ADDRESSED BY DR. SANDOR.
DR. SANDOR
Since all of you are accustomed to excessive sleep, we've tried to provide things to keep you interested and awake. We have darts, ping pong, board games and several terrifying movies that no one could sleep through... So do anything you want -- except sleep.
LAVERNE
Um... Doctor?
DR. SANDOR
Yes?
LAVERNE
What are these for? (INDICATING WIRES)
DR. SANDOR
That's to help you get through the experiment. If we see you falling off to sleep, we push a little button and...
LAVERNE GETS A SMALL ELECTRIC SHOCK. SHE REACTS.
Onscreen, we see some of that recreational equipment, but Sandor doesn't talk about it. Also, the electric shock is wisely changed to a loud alarm. The main thing that carried over here was Dr. Sandor saying they'll get "a full eighty minutes" of sleep, which was put right before the part about his and his wife's sleeping habits.
Finally, in Scene 6, we get Shirley meeting the doctor for her experiment, in the "nutrition lab":
SHIRLEY IS WALKING AROUND LOOKING IN JARS AND THINGS, STILL CARRYING THE PAMPHLET. AN ELDERLY GENTLEMAN COMES UP FROM BEHIND AND TAPS HER. SHE IS STARTLED. THE ELDERLY GENTLEMAN IS DR. FUTORAN.
DR. FUTORAN
Hello. I'm Dr. Futoran. You must be (CHECKS LIST) Miss Feeney.
SHIRLEY
Yes... I hope you don't mind me waiting in the lab. I'm a little early... my friend's sleep experiment started next door...
Onscreen, Dr. Futoran is in the room when she enters, and he doesn't startle her. The next couple pages made it in basically intact, but here's what came after Dr. Futoran says that the best nourishment in the world is right under their feet:
SHIRLEY
(MOVING SHOE, LOOKING DOWN) Where?
DR. FUTORAN
In the ground.
SHIRLEY
Oh. Vegetables. Sure. Is that what we'll be having?
DR. FUTORAN
No, those are just by-products. We'll be feeding you the original source of nutrition. What I like to call 'nature's final food.'
Dr. Futoran explaining that he's talking about dirt made it in, but then almost a full page of further detail was omitted:
SHIRLEY
Regular... dirt?
DR. FUTORAN
Well, not in the sense of "dirt-y" dirt, but the soil, earth -- the cradle of life.
SHIRLEY
The stuff you step on when you walk.
DR. FUTORAN
But not in that form. It would be stripped of its impurities and properly cooked and seasoned.
SHIRLEY
But I'd still... eat it?
DR. FUTORAN
Look at it this way. You eat apples, apples eat dirt. We're just eliminating the middle man.
SHIRLEY
But what about the taste?
But what about the taste?
DR. FUTORAN
You'd be surprised. There's a lot of flavor in the soil. That's why worms taste so good.
Onscreen, it goes from a version of Scene 6 to that reworked "Dr. Sandor" scene that has just a bit of Scenes 3 and 5. Then comes Laverne and Shirley talking, in a very reworked Scene 4. After that is a "sleep lab" scene that's not in this version of the script. And then we get a "nutrition lab" scene that has bits from the rest of Scene 6, so I'll finish that off:
AT THIS POINT ABOUT FOUR OTHER PARTICIPANTS WALK IN... AND DR. FUTORAN RISES TO WELCOME THEM: A BUM, TYPE [words missing here?] AND A VERY FAT WOMAN.
DR. FUTORAN
Welcome.
THE GROUP EXCHANGE HELLOS.
DR. FUTORAN
Well, it looks like everyone's here. (TO GROUP) All ready to eat yourself to health and happiness?
HAROLD
You bet!
DR. FUTORAN
God love you, Harold! We won't have a formal meal until tomorrow, but for tonight we have snacks -- crocus pollen, bark chips, the usual things.
HAROLD
Do you have any pine cones?
DR. FUTORAN
Now, Harold, you know they're out of season.
SHIRLEY
Do we get anything to drink?
HAROLD GIVES A SMUG LAUGH.
DR. FUTORAN
Of course. Plenty of sap will be available.
HAROLD
Oak or cedar?
DR. FUTORAN
Cedar.
HAROLD
Oh, great!
DR. FUTORAN
Now, before I go, could you line up here, please?
THEY DO.
DR. FUTORAN (CONT'D)
And put your hands over your heads.
THEY DO. HE FRISKS THEM.
DR. FUTORAN (CONT'D)
Thank you.
HE GOES.
Onscreen, we get the frisking, and Shirley is ticklish. Then everyone goes to the table to eat. The next part, with Shirley asking Harold about the frisking and his reply, was kept. Except, in the script it was "a couple of college punks" with "a pound of potatoe [sic] salad," rather than one guy with a pimento loaf. Scene 6 ends with Harold saying "Well, every man for himself," as he digs in.
Thoughts:
- In these set-up scenes, the weirdness of the two doctors, including their introductions, is emphasized more.
- I'm afraid to ask why sleep needs would vary by race.
- It wasn't necessary for the boys to discuss drool, but it would've been nice.
- Is this the first time in a script that Laverne is attracted to a married man? Also, who exactly has she stayed up all night with?
- The men in the sleep lab aren't especially rugged onscreen.
- I like some of Dr. Futoran's dirty spiel, especially "cradle of life," but I can see why it was chopped.
- There are three people besides Shirley in the nutrition lab onscreen: Harold (the Harry Shearer character), a man in a hat, and a not particularly fat old lady.
- Harold is definitely the teacher's pet in this lab.
- They obviously had a lot of work getting this middle part of the episode (about fifteen pages) focused, and there would be more changes in the next few scenes....
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