"How Do You Say 'Are You Dead?' in German," Scenes A and B

On April 6, 1978, less than a month before the episode aired, the Rev. Final Draft was submitted.  The guest stars had not yet been cast.

We begin in the girls' living room, "day":

IT'S SNOWING HEAVILY OUTSIDE AND THE GIRLS ARE HOUSECLEANING.  LAVERNE IS DUSTING.  THERE ARE SOME CLOTHES SET ATOP THE BOOKCASE BY THE DOOR WHICH ARE GOING TO THE DRY CLEANERS.  SHIRLEY ENTERS CARRYING MORE CLOTHES FOR DRY CLEANING.

SHIRLEY

Here's the last of the stuff for the dry cleaners.  When you finish the dusting, do you want to start on the kitchen?

LAVERNE

Hey, Shirl, let's stop for a while and go down to the Navy base and let the guys throw snowballs at us.

SHIRLEY GIVES LAVERNE A LOOK.

LAVERNE (CONT'D)

It's a good way to meet sailors.

SHIRLEY

I prefer an introduction rather than snow up my nose.

LAVERNE

Come on, we've been cleaning for three hours.

There is snow in the panoramic view of Milwaukee.  But in the opening of the filmed scene, Shirley talks more about the dry cleaning.

This is what we missed after Shirley says there will be a singer at half-time:

LAVERNE

I'm sick of it.  I don't want to see any more dirt.

LENNY AND SQUIGGY BARGE IN.

SQUIGGY

Hello.

SHIRLEY

(POINTS TO DOOR LOCK) What am I pointing at, Laverne?

LAVERNE

All right, I'll write on the blackboard a hundred times "I promise to chain the door".

SQUIGGY

Do it later because Lenny and I have a treat for you.  We're having an orgy in our apartment and we was wondering if you luscious creatures would like to partake.

LAVERNE

Naw... I don't wanna partake.

LENNY

We got potato chips.

LAVERNE

Well, why didn't you say so?

SHIRLEY

No thanks... this is our housecleaning day.

SQUIGGY

You telling us that you'd rather clean the house than go to an orgy with me and Lenny?

LAVERNE

Yeah, you want her to tell you again?

SQUIGGY

(TO LENNY) I think we're being insulted.

LENNY

We'll get even with them.

SHIRLEY

You mean, like the last time, when you pretended to hang yourselves in our closet.

SQUIGGY

Yeah, those were the days.

LAVERNE

Hey, guys, I'm curious.  Who else is going to your orgy?

SQUIGGY

Now that you two ain't going, just Lenny and me.

LENNY GIVES SQUIGGY A LOOK.

LENNY

I think I'll cancel, too.

THEY START TO EXIT.

SQUIGGY

We could ask Naomi Romoni?

LENNY

Naw, she said the only time she'd go out with us is over her dead body.

SQUIGGY

Let's call her bluff.

THEY EXIT.  SHIRLEY QUICKLY CLOSES AND CHAINS THE DOOR.

SHIRLEY

There they go -- two bachelors loose on the town. Come on, we wasted enough time, let's get back to work.  I'm going to vacuum the bedroom.

Onscreen, the boys don't appear, and Shirley goes into the bedroom to scrape bugs out of the light fixtures.  In the script, when someone knocks, Laverne says, "Forget it.  We're not going to your orgy."  And when it turns out to be "Jiffy Cleaners," she says, "Ooo, sorry."  After Eric enters, she elaborates, "I'm sorry.  I didn't mean I wouldn't go to your orgy...  well, I guess I did...  I mean... so, you're the man from the cleaners."

Laverne's line about Elvis Presley being madly in love with her was added.

In the script, the girls talk about the vacuum cleaner not working, while onscreen Shirley scolds Laverne about the dirtiness of her side of the room.  I won't quote the written filler dialogue, except Shirley's "Don't electrocute yourself -- like when you washed the toaster."  For some reason, the scene ends with Laverne telling Shirley to give the cleaning man the $3.10, although obviously there's no time-skip or scene change.

So let's move on to Scene B, still the living room, during the day.

They understandably omitted part of Shirley's long line that starts with her asking if Eric is all right and ends with her telling Laverne that the boys left a practical joke on the floor:  "...This is dumber than hanging in our closet.  Hey, mister, it didn't work.  Tell them they didn't get even and we're still not going to their stupid orgy...."

When Laverne calls for an ambulance, the address is finally 730 Knapp Street.  (You knew we'd get there eventually.)

The girls going into hysterics and slapping each other was added.

They left out Shirley asking, "Do you remember anything we learned in Girl Scouts?", and Laverne replying, "Yeah, we can sell him cookies, or make him moccasins."

In the script, when Laverne says Shirley should do the mouth-to-mouth resuscitation, Shirley says, "Me?  You're the one who kisses on the first date," which makes Laverne say, "Only if they buy me dinner."  Also Laverne tells Shirley, "Remember...  a big responsibility... his life is in our hands...  Right now, his life is in your lungs."

The stuff with getting the tongue to lie flat is not in this script.  They left out Shirley telling unconscious Eric, "If I find out that this is a trick, you'll see my temper."

Onscreen, when the boys enter and Squiggy asks about a makeout party, there's no context.  (It's "necking party" in the script.)  After Squiggy reacts, we lost this little bit, again for understandable reasons:

LENNY

Miss High and Mighty who is too good to go to our orgy.  You're nothing but... but...

SQUIGGY

A floozie.

Squiggy's line about not using the oldest line in the book on his grandmother sounds like an ad-lib.  Squiggy in the script says of Laverne, "Here's the other floozie."  In the script, Lenny falls on the floor rather than the couch, and Laverne tossing him against Squiggy was added onscreen.

Laverne was supposed to put a blanket on Eric.  Here's Eric's first line, after his revival, "IN GERMAN":  "What's the matter?  Who is the lady?  Why is she...  (BLOWS LIKE SHIRLEY WAS DOING WHILE DOING MOUTH-TO-MOUTH RESUSCITATION)... In my mouth?"

Shirley getting Eric a glass of water was added, as was Frank and Eric sticking their tongues out at each other.  They omitted Frank saying that the German he used on girls during the war was for "you know, nylons, Hershey bars," prompting Eric to say in English, "Hershey bar... mmmm."  So then Laverne says, "Now we know what's wrong with him, he's got a sweet tooth."

Laverne getting Lenny a cold towel for his head was added, but we lost her asking her pop to go the hospital with Lenny, which makes Lenny say, "Yeah, come on, before they put his brain into a gorilla."  Onscreen, Frank takes charge and says he'll go with "this nut" to find "the other nut."  Both versions of the scene end with Frank going to send over Hildie, who either speaks (script) or is (onscreen) German.

Many thoughts:

• "A good way to meet sailors" is pretty much one of Laverne's prime motivations in the Milwaukee years.
• OMG, did Bob Brunner seriously think any of all this orgy talk would actually make it onscreen?
• You can say Laverne is just joking, but I prefer to think that the potato chips sealed the deal.
• The filmed scene proves that they didn't need this specific instance of the girls (or at least Shirley) rejecting the boys to make it believable that the boys would prank the girls, but my God, the fake hanging in the closet is dark on a Harold & Maude level!
• Laverne is of course curious about who else is going to the orgy.
• Lenny will probably but not necessarily cancel if it's just him and Squiggy at the orgy.
• Yet another character we'll never see, Naomi Romoni, who's what, Jewish-Italian?
• The necrophilia joke also is censor-bait.
• Did Brunner have a bet going with another writer about how many times he could get the word "orgy" into the script?
• I need to know more about Laverne's electrocution.
• So the girls were kicked out of the Brownies but went on to the Girl Scouts?
• We do know that Laverne kissed Charles when he bought her dinner, even though he was a criminal, although that wasn't their first date.
• Lenny hesitates to call Shirley a floozie, but Squiggy (who is more judgmental, especially of Shirley) doesn't.
• It feels very Lenny, fan of sci-fi and monster movies that he is, that he immediately assumes Squiggy's brain will be placed in a gorilla's head.
• We are definitely off to an interesting start.