"Dog Day Blind Dates," Scene 2

It's the girls' living room at night:

SHIRLEY IS DRESSED AND PACING AROUND THE ROOM.  LAVERNE, ALSO DRESSED, IS AT COUNTER DOING JIGSAW PUZZLE.

SHIRLEY

You just going to sit there doing your puzzle, till they get here?

LAVERNE

That's my plan.  Now will you stop pacing around.  You're gonna run your heels down.

SHIRLEY

I wore a neckerchief.  Is that good for a cowboy?

LAVERNE

Fine.  What are you nervous about?  To use your own words, people are all the same, no matter where they come from.

SHIRLEY

But you know how I hate blind dates.  Laverne, if I hear spurs jangling in the hallway, I'm passing.

LAVERNE

You're a real gem, Shirl.  You believe everything you see in the movies, don't you?  The man's not going to come in here brushing cactus off his clothes.

SHIRLEY

I know.  But I hear they work with fertilizer a lot.  We should have gotten a doormat.

THERE'S A KNOCK AT THE DOOR.  THEY GRAB BATS.

The only part of that that made it in was the "spurs jangling."  And after Charles says that it's "Us.  Your Dream boats," Laverne was supposed to say, sotto to Shirley, "Now be nice," and Shirley would reply, "I'll be charming."

The next part is mostly intact, except that in the script Buck is "wearing a conservative brown cowboy suit (no sequins or fancy embroidery)," rather than the blue suit of the filming.  In the script, Shirley suggests "pulling up a chair" to "sit a spell," rather than moseying to the sofa.

They left out Shirley saying, "We could talk about what you do for a living, Charles," so that Laverne has to "jump in" with the line about Buck being from Arizona.  They added Shirley snapping at Buck's ring-tapping.

After Buck says he doesn't drink, there was this:

SHIRLEY

Oh. Then how about some sarsaparilla?

BUCK

What's that?

SHIRLEY

Uh, I don't know.

AN AWKWARD PAUSE.

LAVERNE

You ever been bitten by a rattlesnake?

BUCK

No, but I saw one once.  At the zoo.

CHARLES

That Buck's such a kidder.  But underneath this jokester, Shirl, is a real sensitive guy.  You know, he writes poetry.

SHIRLEY

I like poetry.

LAVERNE

(TO BUCK) You're a poet?  Moon and June, stuff like that?

BUCK

Moon, June...  Hey, that's pretty good.  I'll have to remember that.

LAVERNE

Be my guest.

CHARLES

You know, Buck's father owns a big ranch.  The biggest in four counties.

SHIRLEY

Then you are a cowboy.

BUCK

(PROUDLY) Not me.  My Pa tried to force me to be a cowboy, but I wouldn't do it.  No sir.

LAVERNE

Why not?

BUCK

They do strange things on the ranch.  Things like... (WITH DISTASTE) ... milking!  I could never bring myself to layin' hands on a naked cow.

SHIRLEY

Buck, you're a sensitive person.

BUCK

Yeah.

Onscreen, most of this was dropped but we did get the wonderful addition of Buck's "Phoenix/Kleenix" poem.  

In the script, when Laverne suggests seeing The Wild One, "Buck winces and Charles puts his arm around Buck's shoulder."  When Charles says that violence makes Buck queasy, he adds the detail, "He threw up once watching Dragnet."

SHIRLEY

I think they're re-showing "Bambi" again.

CHARLES

Hey, he's my cousin, but I'll only go so far.

LAVERNE

Well, what would you like to do, Buck?  We're supposed to be entertaining you.

BUCK

Aw, if you want to see "the Wild One", let's go.  I'll just stay in the men's room.

SHIRLEY

We're not going to let you do that, are we, Laverne?

LAVERNE

(THINKING) I hear it's a good movie...

SHIRLEY

Laverne, for shame.  Now what do you want to do, Buck?  Anything.  You name it.

BUCK

Well, I always wanted to fly on a big plane, but I done that today.  And I wanted to see cousin Charles, but I'm doin' that now.  There's only one thing that'll just make my whole day.

The part about bowling is mostly the same, although in the script Charles says, "Laverne's father owns the pizza half of the Pizza Bowl," I think the only time it's suggested that he doesn't own the whole place.

Onscreen, Laverne says that Shirley stinks at bowling, but in the script her reaction to Buck not wanting to embarrass himself his first time bowling is "Well, we're back to the movies and the men's room."

Thoughts:

• Why would Laverne be doing a jigsaw puzzle right before a double date?
• This Shirley is definitely dimmer than Cindy plays her, like her thinking Buck got on the plane with manure on his boots and will track it into their living room.  Also the sarsaparilla thing.
• It's interesting that the bats are mentioned, but nothing else happens with them in the script.
• I can picture Laverne asking about rattlesnakes.  She's more in character in this script than Shirley is.
• I'm not sure why Charles and Buck bothered with all this backstory for Buck, when Charles wouldn't tell Laverne even lies about himself.
• I don't think cowboys actually milk the cows, but OK.
• Charles will embrace Buck in comfort but he won't go see Bambi.  (Which would probably be upsetting for someone that sensitive, so it's a bad suggestion by Shirley.)
• The Wild One came out in '53, so if Laverne hasn't seen it by now, what's her hurry?
• Is all this talk about the men's room foreshadowing?  I know the talk about violence is meant to be ironic and to mislead the girls.
• Once again, the script needed some work.