"I Do, I Do" script, Scene B

A fourteen-page scene?  Do you think stuff got cut out?  Hoo boy!  Get comfortable, this is going to take awhile.

Scene B is set at London's house, at night.  

THE HOUSE IS DECORATED WITH A HIP, MID-SIXTIES FLAVOR.  A PARTY IS IN FULL SWING.  LONDON'S BRIDGES ARE PLAYING THEIR HIT SONG "LOVE MY BABY", IN FRONT OF AN AREA WHERE PEOPLE ARE DANCING.  THE GUESTS INCLUDE LONDON'S FRIEND, MALCOLM, AND LENNY AND SQUIGGY, WHO ARE LOST IN THE CROWD AND HIDDEN FROM THE AUDIENCE.  LAVERNE AND SHIRLEY ENTER WEARING "HALLABALLOO" [seriously?  sic!]  TYPE OUTFITS: MINI SKIRTS, FRINGE BOOTS ETC.  THEY SEE THE GROUP PLAYING AND EXCITEDLY BOP TO THE MUSIC.  THE GROUP FINISHES THE MUSIC TO APPLAUSE.

Well, I don't see Lenny and Squiggy in the various shots, but maybe they really were lost in the crowd.  Neither of the girls is wearing anything close to fringe boots, and their outfits aren't particularly typical of Hullabaloo, if Google image search can be relied on.

In the script, the flip side was the equally meh "My Baby Loves Me," and there's no indication of what the rest of the lyrics to "Love My Baby" were beyond the brief excerpt in Scene A.

The script has "sixties rock music" playing in the background during the next section, but it's very faint and generic, even on the less edited version currently available on YouTube.  Here's what we lost of the dialogue from this part:

LAVERNE

Do you believe this Shirl?  I feel like we just walked into "A Hard Day's Night."

SHIRLEY

I think we've finally broken into Rock 'n Roll's inner circle.

LAVERNE

Right.  Enough chit-chat.  Where's the guys?

And then Shirley has her line reminding Laverne this isn't a brewery party and pointing out that some of these people have capped teeth.  Then there was this:

A WOMAN, VERY WELL ENDOWED, WALKS PAST THE GIRLS.

LAVERNE

Isn't anything real in Hollywood?

LONDON AND DEREK CROSS BACK TO THE GIRLS.

LONDON

Glad you girls could make the scene.  Shirley, may I have the pleasure of this dance?

SHIRLEY

Why certainly.

LONDON AND SHIRLEY START OFF TO THE DANCE FLOOR.

DEREK

How about it Love?  Do you want to take a chance and leap 'n prance?

LAVERNE

I'd love to but I promised Shirley I wouldn't leave the party.

DEREK LAUGHS.

DEREK

No, let's get the mojo working.  Dance.

THE TWO COUPLES START DANCING.  AFTER A WHILE THE RECORD ENDS AND THE FOUR OF THEM AD-LIB "THANKS FOR THE DANCE."

In the filmed episode, this turned into Laverne asking Derek if his teeth are capped, with his Mae-Western reply that he's just happy to see her.

The part about Bobby Dylan was in the script, although not Derek's "Is she?", or Shirley's "rolling stone" joke that amuses her so much.

Surprisingly, the bit with the coke on the mirror was not in this version of the script, although I assure you that there will be drugs in this draft.  In fact....

MALCOLM, A BRITISH FRIEND OF THE BRIDGES, CROSSING DEREK AND LONDON.

MALCOLM

Mates, I just had one of your brownies and they are out of this world.

DEREK

Eat three of them and you will be, too.

This dialogue was changed for filming so that it's no longer clear who actually provided the brownies (although it is London's house and party), and Derek says that it's very drafty when Malcolm says he's blown away, giving him some plausible deniability.  Also, in the shot episode, Malcolm is not just a friend but one of the Bridges himself.

The "are you anybody" scene was changed so that Shirley could name-drop.  In the script, Malcolm interacts with the girls briefly before the part where he offers them pot:

MALCOLM PASSES BY THE GIRLS EATING A BROWNIE.  LAVERNE GRABS HIM.

LAVERNE

(TO MALCOLM) Are you anybody?

MALCOLM

No, and neither are you.

MALCOLM MOVES OFF.

LAVERNE

Did you hear what he said?

SHIRLEY

Yes and it still sounded polite.  I just love the English.

Note that when Laverne sees the backs of "two guys," they are "dressed in London mod, mid-Sixties outfits."  We lost Laverne's line "I was wrong.  It was Simple and Simon."  (Which makes Lenny "Simple.")  And Squiggy was supposed to say that it's STAB's "business to rub noses with the upper crudes."  On the other hand, the Flatt & Scrubs joke was added.

As was Laverne trying to touch Lenny's hair.  In fact, if you remember any Lavenny in this scene, you're probably going to have credit Penny and Michael for it, because it's just not there in this script.  But I'll get to that.

Since Malcolm had earlier snubbed Laverne, she responds to his offer of a "hit" with "First you insult me, now you wanna hit me?"

For some reason, in Shirley's warning to Laverne "loco smoke" turned into "loco weed," while her mind was going to turn into "lumpy oatmeal" rather than a "tekkamaki roll."  Also, in the episode, Shirley says she's never tattooed her lips either, while this is how it went in the script:

SHIRLEY

I never tried flashing in a supermarket either.

LAVERNE

That might be fun too.  If you're not in the frozen food section.

The girls remarking on the taste of the brownies was added.  But the script offered this:

LAVERNE TAKES A BITE AS LENNY AND SQUIGGY ENTER FROM THE JOLLY ROOM.  THEY ARE VERY STONED.  THEY MAKE A SHARP U-TURN AND WALK INTO THE WALL.  THE BOYS CONTINUE TO MOVE THEIR FEET LIKE TOY SOLDIERS.  THE GIRLS CROSS TO THE BOYS.  SHIRLEY TAPS SQUIGGY ON THE SHOULDER.

SHIRLEY

Squig, you boys alright?

SQUIGGY THROWS HIS HANDS ON THE WALL AS IF HE WERE BEING FRISKED.

SQUIGGY

I'm innocent.  I swear it.  How was I to know the girl wasn't eighteen?

OK, then.

The "pancreas" part is in there, but there's actually not much of Laverne and Lenny talking to each other in this script, and they definitely don't touch each other like they would on air.  On the other hand, there were different side effects in the script:

SHIRLEY 

Boys, use your heads.  Sure, tonight it's just crazy fun walking into walls.  Next thing you know there's a monkey on your back.

SQUIGGY

Where?  Where's that monkey?   Help, get it off.

SQUIGGY TRIES TO SHAKE AN IMAGINARY MONKEY OFF HIS BACK.  LENNY HELPS HIM.

LENNY

That's no monkey - he always looks like that.  (LENNY NOTICES SQUIGGY'S FACE AND EXAMINES IT)  Squig, you're getting old.  That cute boyish face of yours is covered with prune-like wrinkles.

SQUIGGY

Prunes?  On my face?  Help get 'em off.  (STARTS SLAPPING HIMSELF)

THE GIRLS CALM HIM DOWN.

LAVERNE

Take it easy, Squig.  They look ripe, they're beginning to fall off.

SHIRLEY GIVES LAVERNE AN "OKAY" SIGN.

LAVERNE (CONT'D)

Good boy, they're all gone.

LENNY

It's a miracle!  My hair is growing!

LAVERNE

That's okay, Len.  It always is.

LENNY

On my liver?

The boys leave soon after Shirley tells them to get some fresh air, but there was more in the script:

LENNY

Ssssh!  Quiet.  (LISTENS A BEAT)  My lungs are saying, "Take me, Lenny, take me."  (BEAT)  But my feet are saying, "We like carpet, we like carpet."  (BEAT)  It's war.

LENNY STARTS TO EXIT AS HIS LUNGS FIGHT WITH HIS FEET.  AFTER A TOUGH BATTLE, HIS LUNGS WIN AND LENNY EXITS.

SQUIGGY

I may be getting old, but at least my organs get along.

SQUIGGY EXITS.

Laverne's great line about being stoned not making much of a difference with Lenny and Squiggy replaced Laverne's "Yes, Mommy."

We lost this bit with the Brits:

MALCOLM

Nice party, mates.

LONDON

Well if it weren't for these bloody taxes we could have a party like this every night.

DEREK

Except on March 8th.  It's me Mum's birthday - wouldn't want to miss that bash.

LONDON

Is she coming out of her own cake again this year?

DEREK

(JOKING) I hope I can afford a cake after paying my taxes.

Laverne and Shirley playing "Satisfaction" was in the script (and can be seen on YouTube although not the DVD).  The girls were also supposed to sing (presumably loudly since it's dialogue in caps), "I CAN'T GET NO, SATISFACTION..." 

We lost this bit right before the "proposal":

DEREK

What are you two doing later tonight?

LAVERNE

Nothing special.  Unless we decide to cut an album.

Then Derek suggests they get married instead.

The commercial break comes about ten minutes into the scene, but Scene B just keeps going after the girls look shocked.

SHIRLEY

Excuse us just a minute.  We'll be right back.

SHE PULLS LAVERNE ASIDE.

LAVERNE

We musta played real good.

SHIRLEY

Don't be silly.  They don't want to marry us.  They don't even have our names straight.

LAVERNE

So.  They wanna change 'em anyway.  (BEAT)  What if they're serious?  We'll go on world tours, they may record my songs.  Your picture will be on the cover of "Tiger Beat."  "London crosses new bridge to Shirley's heart."

SHIRLEY

Laverne, come on, you're getting carried away.  The English have a very dry sense of humor.  They must have been joking.

LAVERNE

So we'll laugh on our honeymoon.  C'mon.

THE GIRLS MOVE BACK TO LONDON AND DEREK.

Then there's the part that comes right after the commercial break.  However, when Shirley points out that they haven't even held hands, things go a bit differently than in the filmed version:

DEREK AND LONDON KISS THEM.  THE GIRLS ARE ON CLOUD NINE.

LAVERNE

Good kisser!

SHIRLEY

(SOTTO, POINTING TO TEETH) Caps.

In the script, it's Derek, not Malcolm, who offers them more brownies while they think it over.

Sooooo, let's review:

• They're trying awfully hard here to set the scene, with references to clothes, music, and decor, although admittedly somewhat vague.  I like the Hard Days' Night reference, since the girls are Beatles fans.
• We continue to be in horny!Laverne territory, from her emblematic line "Where's the guys?" to her reaction to Derek's offer of "leap 'n prance" to the "flashing in the frozen food section."  In contrast, Derek got suggestive lines in the filmed version.
• How many people do you want to kick that we didn't get to see them all dance together?  My answer is the square root of the number I want to kick that we didn't get the scripted Lavenny dance in "Debutante Ball."
• I'll talk more about the changes in Malcolm's characterization when we get to Scene C, but I have a couple not mutually exclusive guesses.  One, casting a recognizable name (Stephen Bishop) in the role might've made them want to give his character even more influence on the plot, and two, by making him the brownie-pusher, the guilt is shifted slightly off London and Derek.
• Squiggy being interested in jailbait is, let's face it, canonical.  (See "Driving Test" and of course the lyrics to "Night After Night.")
• We already know that Lenny canonically thinks Squiggy is handsome, while here he thinks Squiggy has a cute, boyish face.
• Michael McKean is a very talented man, but it might've been asking too much for him to act out a war of his internal and external organs.
• The boys seem more like they're having an acid trip, but maybe that Acapulco Gold had been tampered with.
• The bit about Mrs. DeForrest's birthday is a whimsical touch.
• Even stoned, Shirley is the one more reluctant to just get married, which feels canonical.
• Laverne's song-writing gets a mention.
• This scene has more surprises than Scene A, but, ah, you haven't seen Scene C yet....