"Dinner for Four," Scene C

Act Two opens at "Rob's Apartment - night."  Here's how it goes in both scripts:

THE APARTMENT IS ULTRA MODERN, WITH OCCASIONAL TOUCHES THAT GIVE IT A "JUNGLE FLAVOR".  ON ONE WALL THERE IS A SET OF DOUBLE DOORS (HOLDING A MURPHY BED), FLANKED BY TWO LARGE POTTED PALMS.  ALONG WITH SOME LIVING ROOM FURNITURE AND A WET BAR.  THERE IS A SMALL KITCHEN AREA, AND NEARBY IS  A DINNER TABLE ELEGANTLY SET FOR FOUR.  UPSTAGE IS A SMALL HALLWAY, PRESUMABLY LEADING TO A BATHROOM/DRESSING AREA.  THE APARTMENT IS DARK AS LAVERNE AND SHIRLEY ENTER, WEARING THEIR BEST DRESSES.  THEY CARRY THE LASAGNA, BREAD, WINE, ETC.

SHIRLEY

(AS THEY ENTER) Were we supposed to tip that doorman?

LAVERNE

Sure, didn't you see his eyes light up when I gave him that garlic bread.

SHIRLEY FINDS THE LIGHT SWITCH AND TURNS ON THE LIGHT.  THEY GASP, WIDE-EYED AT THE APARTMENT.

SHIRLEY

My my, very elegant.

The exchange about the doorman is omitted onscreen, and Shirley's line is sort of Frenchified.  On the other hand, the electric stove exchange wasn't in the draft.  In the draft, Laverne thinks Shirley is screaming about a spider or a cockroach rather than corsages.  However, the "ringworm" line didn't show up until the shooting script.  

They dropped this exchange from the draft about the jungle-themed Murphy bed:

SHIRLEY

Holy moly.  This is disgusting.  I mean leopards, and zebras...

LAVERNE

Shirley, the man's an animal doctor.

SHIRLEY

You don't think these are patients that didn't pull through, do you?

LAVERNE CLIMBS ON THE BED.

SHIRLEY (CONT'D)

Don't do that, they're gonna know you were playing on it.

LAVERNE

(POSING ON THE BED) Lemme set the scene for you.  Holli Loki, the jungle princess, waits in her hut.  Suddenly at the door there he is, her mate, Kanooka Ooka La La.  The king of Tonga Tonga.  She is ready for a night of passion.

SHIRLEY

I can hear the drums beating.  Boom, bop bop boom.

LAVERNE

Holli Loki trembles, "Yes, Kanooka Ooka La La, take me, take me."

SUDDENLY THE BED STARTS TO CLOSE.

LAVERNE (CON'TD)

Shirl, he's takin' me.

In later versions, Shirley worries that it'll look like they planned the whole thing, by taking the bed down.  So the girls try to put the bed away and Laverne gets trapped.  Then in all three versions, there are the various shenanigans with the girls in the bed.

In the draft, Shirley complains, "I'm being crushed.  I can't take it.  I've got very fragile bird bones," and Laverne replies, "Who cares, I think I got a spear pokin' my buns."

In the shooting script and onscreen, the girls freshen up in the bathroom, with a quick dissolve for the latter.  But in the draft, they lay on the bed sweaty and exhausted, and then this happens:

AS THEY LAY FOR A MOMENT AND FINALLY GET CALM, THE BED STARTS TO RISE AGAIN.  THEY TRY TO CLIMB OFF THE TOP BY GRABBING THE BEDSPREAD, BUT THAT SLIPS OFF AND THEY SLIDE DOWN AGAIN AS THE BED CLOSES UP.  THEIR HEADS ARE THE ONLY THING SHOWING.  THEY POKE OUT OF THE TOP OF THE BED.

SHIRLEY

This is what happened to Holli Loki?

LAVERNE

Nah, they got thrown in a volcano.  That's what they always do to virgins.

TOM, HANK AND TWO GIRLS ENTER.  THE GIRLS WEAR LOW CUT EVENING GOWNS AND ARE OBVIOUSLY NOT THEIR SISTERS.  DURING THE FOLLOWING, INTERCUT GIRLS REACTING.

ROB

Well, ladies, this is the place.  Why don't we settle down, and you'll be served our romantic dinner for four.

HANK

Where are those girls we hired?  They were supposed to have everything ready.

CHRISTINE 

Good help is so hard to find.

LAVERNE AND SHIRLEY STARE AT EACH OTHER, UNDERSTANDING THE SITUATION.

HANK

They had the key.

VERONICA

Well, I hope they didn't steal anything.

SHIRLEY

We're not thieves.  We're honest bottlecappers.

EVERYONE TURNS AND STARES AT LAVERNE AND SHIRLEY.

LAVERNE    

Hi, nice to see you.  I think we'd like to leave now.

ROB GOES OVER AND PULLS DOWN THE BED.

ROB

What are you doing there?

SHIRLEY

You ought to be ashamed to have a bed like this.  And you, a healer of small beasts.

LAVERNE

Forget that, Shirl.  Look, there's been a misunderstanding.

In the later versions, Hank comes in and has a conversation with the girls while they're in the "powder room."  Then Rob brings their real dates in. There's no description of Veronica and Christine in the shooting script, just their names.  Most of the rest of shooting script version of the scene made it in, although they skipped Shirley's observation to Laverne, "There's no reason to feel bad, we can just sell this to Reader's Digest as our most embarrassing moment."  And Christine says that it's the girls' "own dumb fault for thinking they were good enough to go out with you," while onscreen she thinks that the girls should be happy to pick up some cash.

In the draft, Veronica calls Hank "Hanky." And there's a realization that wouldn't come until Scene D in the later versions:

SHIRLEY

How can you do this to us?  We have feelings, you know.  If you cut us, do we not bleed?

THEY GIRLS PAUSE A BEAT.  THEY REALIZE THAT THIS SCRIPT HAS A MATCH.  

And then a little later, there's this:

LAVERNE

We deserve it.  We did the same thing to Lenny and Squiggy.  We didn't care about their feelings.

SHIRLEY

Who knew they had feelings?

Veronica has another bitchy remark, "Can you imagine, Hank and Rob having dinner with the kitchen help?"  And when Rob suggests that L & S go home and V & C will serve, Christine objects, "We will not.  They were paid to serve, let them serve.  It's not your fault they're stupid enough to think you'd go out with the likes of them," which obviously turned up in a different form in the later versions.

The girls do "serve" lasagna and salad to the dates (although they don't directly punish the guys in any version), but Shirley's part is more drawn out in the draft:

SHIRLEY

Just a cotton pickin' minute.  This bimbo's pushed me too far.  This time Shirley Feeney needs her own taste of revenge.  I haven't tossed the salad yet.

SHIRLEY TURNS AND WALKS BACK TO THE TABLE.  SHE PICKS UP THE SALAD BOWL AND IS ABOUT TO DUMP IT ON VERONICA'S HEAD.  SHE CRINGES AND DUCKS.  SHIRLEY STOPS IN HER TRACKS, TURNS, WALKS BACK TO LAVERNE STILL CARRYING THE SALAD BOWL.

SHIRLEY (CONT'D)

I don't know if it's in my nature, Laverne.  (BEAT)  Bully pucky, I'm steamed.

 And then, as onscreen, she flings a handful of salad at Veronica.

Thoughts:

• There are some things in the draft of the early part of this scene I wish they'd kept:
• The doorman
• Shirley's disgust at the animal prints
• Shirley's bird bones
• Holli Loki is not one of them, because of the mild racism.
• The spear is poking Laverne's buns.
• The girls being trapped in the bed when the guys and the dates enter might've been too cartoonish even for this series.
• Not only are Veronica and Christine actually bitchier in the draft, but the guys come off a little worse, too.
• I'll discuss the girls' realization about the boys when we get to Scene D.
• And "steamed," swearing Shirley is glorious.