"Excuse Me, May I Cut In," Scenes 1 and 2

On September 22, 1976, one day after the revised shooting script for "Steppin' Out" was submitted, the Final Draft for "Excuse Me, May I Cut In?" came in.  This was about five weeks before "EMMICI" would air, so this was cutting as close as they did in the first season.  There were definitely some changes, as we can see fairly early on.

The first scene is, surprisingly, an exterior:

FADE IN:

EXT. GIRLS' APARTMENT WINDOW - NIGHT

LAVERNE AND SHIRLEY ARE INSIDE WATCHING TELEVISION.

And then all the lines in the scene were voiceovers, rather than just "Ed Sullivan voice."  By the way, instead of Topo Gigio, Ed hosted "the dancing pit bosses from Las Vegas, the Bambotz Brothers."  

Then the next scene is an interior of their apartment, "one hour later."

They left out Laverne saying that the explosion "just set fire to her bedroom slippers," and then a bit later saying that the TV set was so old they "once got Moses live on Channel 7."

In the script, Shirley's aunt was simply named Margaret, rather than Mary Margaret.  Here's how the lines originally went after Shirley says that her aunt said Shirley would grow up to be a "tramp":

LAVERNE

And she was her favorite aunt.

MRS. BABISH

(LOOKS AT BURNT TV) You know this TV reminds me of my old boyfriend Crawford.

LAVERNE

He was a TV repairman?

MRS. BABISH

No, he was electrocuted in San Quentin.

LAVERNE

(LAUGHS) Boy, you don't even hear stories like that on "Queen For a Day".  You should write a book.

MRS. BABISH

Who has time?

Onscreen, after Shirley says she doesn't want to watch Victory at Sea at Mr. DeFazio's, the girls list off favorite programs they'll miss, and then the scene ends.  None of those shows are mentioned in the script, and here's the last two pages of the second scene:

LAVERNE

Well, we missed Fabian, and next week we're gonna miss the Mark of Zorro Festival.

SHIRLEY

No we won't.  Tomorrow after work we'll go buy a new television set.  Simple as pie.

LAVERNE

With what simple money?

SHIRLEY

We'll find a bargain.  We'll trade in our old set.

LAVERNE

Trade in what?  You couldn't trade this in for Chiclets.

SHIRLEY

Somehow we'll get a TV.  We'll go to Mad Man Milton's Bargain Circus.  Where there is a will there's a way.

THEY START TOWARDS BEDROOM.  AND SUDDENLY LENNY AND SQUIGGY BURST THROUGH FRONT DOOR.  SQUIGGY IS WRAPPED IN FIRECRACKERS, AND LENNY HAS A CIGARETTE LIGHTER.

LENNY

Okay.  If there's any Russians here -- beware.  Squiggy is wrapped in firecrackers and, if I light him, we all go.

SQUIGGY

I regret that I only have one small body to give to my country.

LAVERNE

Fellas, there are no Russians here.

SHIRLEY

Please go to bed.  We've had a rotten night.

LENNY

Okay, just trying to protect you.  But if you see anything suspicious -- hide your vodka.

LENNY AND SQUIGGY START TO EXIT.

SQUIGGY

Light me up if you need to, Len, I'm ready to go -- so people of all religions can eat hot dogs and apple pie.

SQUIGGY ENTERS [sic] SINGING "DANNY BOY".  LENNY IS ABOUT TO SHUT THE DOOR.

LENNY

(POINTS AFTER SQUIGGY) There goes one heck of an American.

LENNY EXITS.  GIRLS START TOWARDS BEDROOM.

LAVERNE

If they set fire to themselves, maybe we could have their TV.

SHIRLEY

Nah, their set's no good anymore.  They glued on their Winky Dink screen.

Thoughts:

• The all-voiceover scene is cute, but the power going out has more impact when we can, you know, see something.
• The Moses joke feels very Catskills.
• The second scene gets dark, excuse the pun, with Edna's old boyfriend getting electrocuted and Laverne ghoulishly wanting the boys' TV if Squiggy sacrifices his small body for America.
• But, yes, I would buy a book if Mrs. B wrote it.
• We can see the girls' pessimist & optimist contrast here, with their expectations about replacing the TV.
• The boys don't get a Hello Moment here, but that is a heck of an entrance.  (And, yes, the boys were in this version of the episode, but not what aired, although they are referred to by Edna.)
• I like the "vodka" line.
• I have to wonder what a nice Jewish boy like David Lander thought of the "hot dogs" line.
• Also, why "Danny Boy," an Irish song?
• This won't be the only scene in this script where Lenny admires Squiggy.
• When "Lenny & Squiggy" were guests on Dr. Demento a couple years later, they talked about Winky Dink and You, and if I recall correctly, Michael McKean has brought it up on Twitter in recent months.
• If you guessed that the next scene is set at Mad Man Milton's TV Shop, give yourself a cookie.