"Dog Day Blind Dates," Scene 1

On February 15, 1976, when "Razzberries" had just aired, the Final Draft for "Dog Day Blind Dates" was submitted.  Charles, Buck, and the Policeman had not yet been cast.  But someone was definitely in it, and, well, make of this what you will.  (Again, apologies for blurriness.):

I will note that, one, this copy of the script is a reprint, and two, Michael McKean's actual signature appears to be a lot curvier and relatively illegible.  But "Mike McKean" has some connection to this script, and that's pretty cool.

Again, the scenes are unlabeled and the numbering is my own.  As on the filmed episode though, we open in the break room, during the day.  The first page or so made it in, but this was left out after Laverne says it was a lucky guess that they got the bottle cap off Waldo's thumb with a bottle opener.

LAVERNE

...I'm glad he's okay but it is funny.  A capped thumb.  (SHE CHUCKLES) I bet a lot of people would stop if he was hitchhiking.

SHIRLEY

Dark humor.  You're a sick person, Laverne.

This was mostly omitted when the girls are discussing Charles:

LAVERNE

Oh, you're so picky and choosy.  The only guy you'd approve of is the Pope.

SHIRLEY

I can't help it. I don't trust a man who wears a pinky ring.

LAVERNE

Well, there goes the Pope.

Also, this was tossed out after Laverne says Charles is a perfect gentleman:

LAVERNE

...He never tried anything.

SHIRLEY

Really?  Never?  Did you ever stop to consider that... uh... perhaps he does not prefer women?

LAVERNE

Your mind works in strange ways.

Instead, the girls onscreen discuss whether Laverne knows what he does for a living.  And in the script, Laverne says that Shirley usually walks out of the room when Charles walks in, and sure enough, after saying hello, she says, "Well, 'scuse me, I have to see a man about a horse."

LAVERNE GRABS SHIRLEY'S ARM TO KEEP HER FROM LEAVING.  CHARLES IS A SILKY TYPE.  HE WEARS A PINKY RING AND HE'S VERY SMOOTH.  HE'S VERY NICE, COURTEOUS AND CONSIDERATE TOWARD LAVERNE IN HIS OWN SEMI-SOPHISTICATED WAY.

CHARLES

Miss De Fazio, you are ravishing.

LAVERNE

(FLATTERED) Aw, I haven't done anything special.

CHARLES

I think it's your eyes.

LAVERNE

You always know the right things to say.

SHIRLEY NOTICES THAT LAVERNE ONLY HAS ONE EYELASH ON AND TRIES TO PANTOMIME THIS TO HER. LAVERNE DOESN'T UNDERSTAND.  THEY PLAY THIS THROUGH THE SCENE UNTIL SHIRLEY GIVES UP IN EXASPERATION.

In the script, Shirley is civil enough to say, "It's nice your relatives visit," while onscreen she's mostly annoyed by Charles and his ring-tapping.  (The ring-tapping doesn't exist in the script, and it really gives Cindy Williams and Fred Willard a way to play off each other without words.)

CHARLES

I know, but he's from Arizona, and I have to entertain him while he's here.  He's a clodhopper and I don't know how to entertain him?  [Yes, the typist found the question mark but is still learning how it works.]

SHIRLEY

Clodhopper?  Is that his name?

CHARLES

No, his name's Buck.  He's a cowboy.  I know he's going to want me to set him up with a girl while he's here.  You know, so we can double date.  (HE LOOKS AT SHIRLEY, HINTING)

SHIRLEY

Uhh, I think I have to see the horse again.

LAVERNE GRABS SHIRLEY'S ARM TO KEEP HER THERE.

LAVERNE

Shirley would love to help show him around town.

SHIRLEY

(PROTESTING) Laverne...

CHARLES

(INTERRUPTING) Shirley, thank you.  Laverne's always telling me how kind and considerate you are.  Like the way you leave the room everytime [sic] I come in so we... (INDICATES LAVERNE) can be alone.  But you're willing to help me out with a total stranger... that's class.

SHIRLEY

(BITTER) Yeah, I'm a class kid.

Only some of this was left for the filmed version.  Then it's mostly intact for awhile, except they omitted Charles observing, "Buck's first plane ride and first date, all in one day."  And in the script, Shirley says Laverne looks like the "Queen of Spades " rather than the Jack.

After Laverne asks why Shirley didn't tell her about the one eyelash, there was this:

SHIRLEY

I was busy with the cowboy talk.  Why am I taking a big klutz on his first date?

LAVERNE

There's nothing wrong with that.

SHIRLEY

His hands will sweat.

LAVENRE

Come on, there's nothing to worry about.  You'll be with me and Charles.  And remember, it'll be some date... sky's the limit.

SHIRLEY

Sky's the limit.  Laverne, I was thinking, how can Charles afford to take us all out for this big time evening?  I mean, is he wealthy?

LAVERNE

I don't think so.

And then the girl's discussion of what Charles does for a living came here.  Onscreen, Laverne says Shirley owes her a favor since Laverne went out with Shirley's cousin Benjy, the welder.  This is how it went after Laverne asks if Shirley is the Internal Revenue.:

LAVERNE

...Look, Shirl, we'll go out, have a nice time and maybe you'll fall madly in love with Buck.

SHIRLEY

I doubt it.  I've seen Western movies and there's just two types of cowboys.  One wears a black hat and kills people.  The other rides off into the sunset with his horse.  I figure I'm gonna end up dead or deserted.

Onscreen, Laverne says maybe Buck will look like Gary Cooper and Shirley says with her luck it'll be Gabby Hayes.

Thoughts:

• I can see why they left out Laverne's "sick joke," especially since it doesn't make much sense.  (How could someone see the cap on a thumb while driving by, unless the headlights lit it up or something?)
• Speaking of jokes that don't make sense, um, the Pope doesn't date.  (Renaissance popes with children of course excepted.)
• It's probably just as well that they left out Shirley assuming Charles is gay.
• "Seeing a man about a horse" seems more like something a guy would say.
• I love the description of Charles, and what Fred Willard did with it.
• I sort of wish they'd kept Shirley trying to signal to Laverne about the eyelash, but there's enough going on in the scene as filmed.
• The "clodhopper" (Claude Hopper?) joke is another one that doesn't work.
• Shirley objects much more to Buck in the script than in this scene onscreen, where she mostly just doesn't want to spend time with Charles.
• I have no idea why Charles said it was Buck's first date, except I guess to make us feel sorrier for Shirley, but she was willing to go out with the not very experienced Richie Cunningham a few months earlier, so I don't know what the big deal is about that part.
• This Laverne is pushing Buck at Shirley much more than the one onscreen, who mostly just wants to make Charles happy.
• As with the other Season One scripts I've looked at so far, there's a bit of floundering, as they try to get a fix on the characters and tone of the series.