"Life Is the Tar Pits" script, Scene A

That's right, "Life Is the Tar Pits," rather than "Love."  This is the Final Draft and, yes, there would be some changes.  For one thing, Karen Caldwell and the nameless man who hits on her were not yet cast.  It's dated November 4, 1981, just a couple days after the Shooting Script for "Moving In."  This episode would air over two months later.  Note that now they're misspelling Carmine's last name, too.

Scene A is an "Ext." (exterior) of "the Labrea [sic] Tar Pits."

A SIGN READS "LA BREA TAR PITS OPEN 9-5".  WE SEE A CIRCULAR MASS OF TAR WITH PEOPLE STANDING AROUND.  LENNY AND SQUIGGY ENTER.

Most of the first half page met the chopper:

LENNY

Well, here it is, Squig.  The eighth wonder of the ancient world.

SQUIGGY

Yeah, people wonder what they're doing here.  You brung me down here to look at a big pool of goo?

LENNY

It ain't just any goo, Squig.  It's been here a lot longer than you or I.

SQUIGGY

What's the big deal about that, we only been in town a year.  And we even smell better.

LENNY

It's supposed to smell bad, it's tar.

The thing with Squiggy wanting to get a bucket to use the tar for the roof was in there, with different phrasing.

There is no description of Karen, beyond she's a girl who's "wearing a bone necklace."  In contrast, the other guest character is "a somewhat gaudy looking chap."  The part with the man hitting on Karen is the same in the script and the episode, but Lenny originally called the guy "Romanoff" rather than "Casanostra."  The man was supposed to write down Laverne's address, rather than insult dinosaur bones.  

One interesting change in the filmed episode is Lenny starts to walk away until Karen calls out to him, while in the script he goes right into saying that he's noticed her there before.  Also, in the filmed episode after Karen thinks he's kidding about paleontologists studying pails, he pretends he was.  Here's how it went in the script:

KAREN

You're putting me on, right.  I mean, you're pretty funny.

LENNY

(RISING, HURT) Yeah, that's me.  Old funny Lenny.  Laugh away.

KAREN

(PULLING HIM BACK DOWN) Hey, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hurt your feelings.  I think it's nice that you like to spend time here.

LENNY

You do?

KAREN.

Sure.  When you think about the past sometimes you find things out about the present.

LENNY

I do that?  (BEAT)  But don't tell anyone.  Especially Squiggy.

Then the part about Squiggy being his best friend, who's getting a pail, made it in.  We lost Karen saying, "I'd love to meet him, but I've got to get back to my dorm and study a bit more.  I want to be ready if I'm accepted by Columbia for my post-grad work."

In the script, when Squiggy hits on Karen, he calls her "little miss," which became "dimple drawers."  And "sugar tart" was probably an addition of Lander's.  The line about "picking up a couple Persian melon balls" also sounds like his, since it's just "pick up a couple of real winners" in the script.

Here's what was left out after Squiggy exits.

LENNY WAVES SQUIGGY OFF THE STAGE.  HE TURNS TO KAREN AND TRIES TO LAUGH.  SHE TRIES TO LAUGH BACK.  LENNY CLEARS HIS THROAT AND STARES DOWN AT THE TAR.  

KAREN

Penny for your thoughts.

LENNY

I was wondering if we was gonna see each other after today or is this just a one-lunch thing?

KAREN

I've got a lot of studying to do, Lenny.

LENNY

I know I ain't the most smartest guy in the world but maybe I could help you study.  And after studying we can go to the movies.  And there's this party my friends Laverne and Shirley are giving in a few weeks.

KAREN

(INTERRUPTING) Slow down.  I may be off to New York in three weeks to go to graduate school.  Why don't we just have lunch first?

LENNY
Okay.

THEY START OFF.

LENNY (CONT'D)

So, what do you think of Squiggy?

KAREN

He's your best friend.

LENNY

I think that says it all.

Some thoughts:

• There are other Squiggy lines and turns of phrase that I omitted, and I really do think David L. Lander polished his material to make it sound more Squiggish.
• Lenny is more insecure and shyer in the script than on the aired episode.  He's also clingier, before they even have lunch.
• I think of Laverne's advice in "Lenny's Crush" to find someone he has things in common with, and how he and Karen bond over "goo."
• Karen going to Columbia is here right when Lenny and we meet her, so it's less of a surprise later.
• Laverne and Shirley's party is mentioned as well, and him inviting her won't be as big a thing in the filmed episode, where they just show up as an established couple in the next scene onscreen.
• The "triangle" of Squiggy fearing that Karen is going to steal his best friend is established here, and somewhat reminds me of Spinal Tap (which I rewatched recently), although Karen is a much nicer person than Jeanine of course.