"The Duke of Squigmann" script, Scene A

Yes, with that spelling.  This shooting script is from February 4, 1980, while the episode aired March 25, 1980, so there shouldn't be major changes, but we shall see.

The episode opens in, that's right, the girls' apartment, this time at night.

So right away there's a cut, Edna's portion of the scene and after:

EDNA

Leonard!  Andrew!  (THE BOYS GROAN)  How could the girls let you stay here after what you've done to your apartment?

THE BOYS SHRUG.

EDNA (CONT'D)

The exterminator said it's going to take him four days to fumigate and a year to forget he was ever in there.  Why did you let your apartment become the termite capitol of America?

LENNY

Edna, may I call you Ed?

EDNA

No.

SQUIGGY

How about Mrs. Ed?

LENNY

Mrs. Ed, the termite is man's long lost brother.  How often have you looked around and said there's too much wood in the world?

SQUIGGY

See that coffee table there.  Wood.  It begs to be eaten.

EDNA

You have the combined I.Q. of a shoelace.

SQUIGGY

You wish.

EDNA STORMS OUT, LEAVING THE FRONT DOOR OPEN.  

LENNY

Ugly mood.

SQUIGGY

Hah, I'm always like that.

LENNY

I'm talking about Edna.  Come on, let's make ourselves at home.

THE BOYS THROW PILLOWS, ETC. AROUND THE ROOM AND MAKE A MESS.

On the episode, we start with Laverne's voiceover that she and Shirley will be right out, and then the boys make themselves at home by playing with tissues.

After "a pretty girl, Sheri" enters, there was this stage direction, "Squiggy looks at her and moans with lust."  This was definitely toned down for the episode.  

In the script, Sheri reacts to Squiggy's come-on by "twisting his arm behind his back" and "shoving him onto the couch," while in the episode it's more of a toss onto the couch.  This was omitted after Sheri's exit line calling Squiggy "a slimy, scuzzy toadburger":

SQUIGGY

Don't flatter yourself!

LENNY

Her loss, Squig.  You're a prince among toadburgers.

In the script, we actually find out what the girls got for Bertha Krotsky's wedding presents: his and hers towels.  And we lost Shirley's rule for the boys stay that goes, "Never touch anything with your bare hands or heads."  It was Shirley rather than Laverne who talks about the mousetrap(s) in the lingerie/underwear drawer, which Lenny calls "devious" in the script.  Shirley gave the boys permission to sleep on the couch, "if you cover it with newspapers."

This was also left out:

LENNY

And don't worry.  We'll treat your home like it was our very own.

LAVERNE

Okay, deal's off.  Go to the Y.M.C.A.

SQUIGGY

No, no, no.  From now on, we are little angels.

LENNY

Yeah, please trust us.

LENNY/SQUIGGY

...Please.

The last part of the scene made it in, but I'll note that Shirley's promise to Carmine is said in a "sexy" way, and this is how the last stage direction goes, "Carmine and Shirley embrace passionately.  The boys look on and then they both jump on Laverne."

Sorting through this collection of small surprises:

• Is there any canonical instance of Edna calling the boys "Leonard" and "Andrew," or for that matter them calling her Edna, especially when she's mad at them?
• The stuff about the termites is mildly funny, although wouldn't the lines make more sense reversed, that is having Squiggy want to call Mrs. Babish "Mrs. Ed" and explaining termites to her, especially given his expertise in moths?  "Wood.  It begs to be eaten" would work at least as well as a Lenny line than as a Squiggy line.
• The "ugly mood" part does match the boys better, although the dialogue still feels off, which is maybe why the first couple pages got cut.
• Then again, when watching the episode almost a year ago, I was baffled why the boys didn't just go back to their apartment, at least to sleep and/or use the bathroom.  The fumigation explains it, although if that's going to take four days, what's going to happen when the girls get back from Chicago in three days?
• The boys make more of a mess in the script than in the episode, although what is it with Lenny and the girls' Kleenex, here and in "Hi, Neighbors, Book II"?
• This might be the horniest script I've looked at since "The Dance Studio," what with Squiggy moaning with lust, Carmine and Shirley embracing passionately, and of course the boys jumping Laverne.
• I like the omitted rules, especially the one about "bare heads."
• The part about the boys treating the girls' home like their own and then begging to stay wouldn't have made sense in the scene as shot, because there's no real need there for the boys to stay over.
• This honestly doesn't feel like a "shooting script" but more like an earlier draft, especially compared to the most recent script I looked at, "Murder on the Moose Jaw Express," Part Two, which probably had fewer changes total than I'm looking at in just the first scene or two.  We'll see how the rest stacks up, but spoiler, there is a throwaway line in the penultimate scene that would've changed canon dramatically had it made it in.